Andreas Evers Hired by Liechtenstein

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Former Austrian and US trainer Andreas Evers has been hired as the new trainer of the Liechtenstein women's speed team. In other words, since Tina Weirather is the Liechtenstein women's speed team, Evers will be her personal coach. But there is more to this story than just a trainer getting a new job. The others have already reported this story and it is ancient history. But, as usual, we have our unique spin on it. One of our intrepid reporters went to Liechtenstein to interview Herr Evers, but he was not available. Yes, our reporter found Liechtenstein on a map and was able get there on his own. So our plucky penner of prose found the next best interview subject--our favorite Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli." Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Vinnie, it's nice to see you again. What have you been doing since the Vail world championships?

Vinnie: I have been working in the family business and also doing some consulting work advising Red Bull and Head on how to catch embezzlers and money launderers. 

BB: Interesting. I guess it would take one to know one.

Vinnie: Hold on there! I never embezzled or laundered any money. My family's waste disposal business is 100% legitimate. Anyway, I am strictly a hit man, though I do know plenty of embezzlers and money launderers. 

BB: Speaking of embezzling and money laundering, I'm sure that you heard about Andreas Evers being hired as Liechtenstein's new speed team trainer.

Vinnie: Of course. I'm sure he'll do a great job with Tina. 

BB: What do you think of Andreas Evers getting a job as a trainer?

Vinnie: Why not? He's not a predator who's going to do unspeakable things to Tina Weirather.  

BB: True. He was never convicted of any sort of sex offense.

Vinnie: That's right. He was a good citizen and never even got a parking or jaywalking ticket when he was in the States. He could also be a good citizen in Liechtenstein.

BB: He wasn't such a good citizen in Austria, where his girlfriend embezzled funds and he laundered the money. 

Vinnie: They both also paid their debt to society and the girlfriend is now his ex. He deserves a second chance.
BB: Do you really think that he deserves another chance?
Vinnie: Of course I do. I am the poster child for second chances. As you recall, I was in an asylum for the criminally insane. But I got a second chance in life and ended up on the Freedonian Olympic Ski Team.
BB: But you actually never competed at the Olympics.
Vinnie: That's beside the point. Even though I didn't get to compete, I was a member of the Freedonian Olympic Ski Team. But the Russians were somehow more impressed with my ability as a security man than as a skier. I will also be in Pyeongchang with Freedonia, either as a ski racer or on the security detail. I got a second chance and so should Andreas Evers.
BB: If you really want to get technical, this is Herr Evers' third chance. He got his second chance with the US Ski Team. 
Vinnie: People should have as many chances in life as they need. Cats have nine lives and nobody says that they should have fewer.
BB: Good point. So you don't think that Liechtenstein has to worry about money missing from the national treasury?
Vinnie: Not at all. I expect that he will be a good citizen and help Tina to be the best she can be.
BB: Do you think that all people deserve second chances?
Vinnie: Yes. I would still be in the insane asylum in a straitjacket if nobody believed that I should have a second chance in life.
BB: Let's say that Herr Evers did something worse than money laundering. Should he still get a second chance?
Vinnie: Like what?
BB: Suppose he got drunk, ran a red light, crashed into another car, and killed all of the passengers. Is that deserving of a second chance?
Vinnie: That sounds like something that Stefan Abplanalp would do. He also got second and third chances with both Norway and the USA after he showed up drunk to a race. I'm sure someone will give him a fourth chance somewhere. Who knows, he may even join the Liechtenstein coaching staff.
BB: If Herr Evers murdered someone, shouldn't he be in prison for life?
Vinnie: Why would he kill someone?
BB: Why do Mafia enforcers kill people?
Vinnie: Hey, we only kill as a last resort! We Mafia hit men do everything possible to avoid killing people by using our powers of persuasion. I can be very persuasive because people tend to treasure their kneecaps or prefer their horses' heads to stay attached to their bodies.
BB: Okay, let's change the scenario a bit. If Herr Evers was the mystery man on the grassy knoll in Dallas back in 1963, would he have deserved a second chance?
Vinnie: If he was truly sorry and was egged on to do it by someone else, he should have the chance to move on with his life. I have killed people as part of my job and got second chances in life. I have a proper job with my family firm as well as being employed by Red Bull and Head and am also a ski racer.
BB: One more scenario. Imagine that Herr Evers kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Wouldn't he deserve to go to prison for that crime?
Vinnie: It's much easier for me to imagine Bode and Morgan Miller kidnapping the Lindbergh baby than Andreas Evers. But in that case there should be no second chances. If Andreas Evers kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, he should be put away for a very long time. They should lock the door and throw away the key!
BB:  I can also imagine Bode and Morgan kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and holding him up for the cameras. On the other hand, there would be a lot of witnesses at a ski race and watching on TV who would report them to to police.
Vinnie: Which is why someone who kidnaps a baby should not get a second chance. But Andreas Evers doesn't have to worry about that because he was a money launderer and not a baby snatcher. Let's see how he does in Liechtenstein with Tina Weirather.
BB: Good idea. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Vinnie, I want to thank you for another interesting interview. Good luck with the consulting. I'm sure we will see you back in a Freedonian speed suit this season. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: None of our reporters are embezzlers, money launderers, assassins, or kidnappers. They are upstanding citizens.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

Lindsey Vonn's New Foundation

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Just after the Vail World Championships, Lindsey Vonn announced that she was starting a foundation to empower girls to make good choices in life and become part of a community. What a worthy cause! We were so impressed by what Ms. Vonn wants to do, we sent one of our intrepid reporters to Vail to interview her. She was not available. Somehow she doesn't like speaking to us anymore. But our heroic reporter didn't give up and was able to score an interview with Lindsey's sister, Laura Kildow, who is also a board member of the Lindsey Vonn Foundation. Let's find out what she has to say.

BB: Hello Laura. It's nice to see you again.

Kildow: It's nice to see you too. I hope that I can help explain all of the good work that Lindsey's foundation is going to do. 

BB: I'm sure you can. I noticed that the foundation's money will go toward girls. 

Kildow: Yes, that's right. We want to empower girls and give them the tools to succeed in life.

BB: That's a very noble cause. Every parent who has daughters wants them to become successful. But don't you think that Lindsey's foundation is sexist and discriminatory?

Kildow: No!  How could you possibly think that?

BB: Well, you are excluding half of the population. Don't you think that boys should also be given the chance to be empowered to make good life choices?

Kildow: I guess so. 

BB: Didn't the men on the foundation's board have anything to say about boys not being included?

Kildow: They did. But Lindsey doesn't want any money going to her future competition.

BB: Future competition?

Kildow: Yes. The FIS may have ruled that Lindsey can't race against men now, but they could change their minds later. If she gives money to boys, they might end up beating her in a ski race. You can't even imagine how that could destroy Lindsey's image. 

BB: I bet I could. Anyway, Lindsey's foundation will help girls make good choices in life. Why don't you give me an example of a wise choice that it will help girls to make.

Kildow: Suppose you're driving from Austria to Slovenia on one of those narrow European roads that doesn't have any signs on it. The road ends and you have to decide to go left or right to get to Slovenia and your GPS doesn't work. What would you do? If you were helped by Lindsey's foundation, you would be able to make the correct turn and thus make a good choice. 

BB: I remember you writing in your blog about how difficult it is to drive in Europe. Do you still feel that way?

Kildow: Yes. I never understood how Europeans can drive on their roads. And they can do it without relying on GPS, which I just don't get at all. I would be totally lost without one.

BB: And yet Napoleon and his troops found their way from France to Russia without a GPS system. (short pause) Do you still aspire to be a writer?

Kildow: I do. I would love to write a book about my experience traveling to World Cup races with my sister. After I write my book, I want to work for a place like the Blickbild. 

BB: Do you know what one of the things is that we at the Blickbild do to test a prospective reporter's intrepidness?

Kildow: No. 

BB: Remember, our reporters are the most intrepid in the business. They went to the Congo even when they knew that four of their colleagues never returned from trying to bring Dr. Mabongo to Germany. They have eaten ojlmsfjaegger and sursrtoemming. They have all passed this one test. Do you want to know what it is?

Kildow: Yes. If I pass it, do you think I could become a Blickbild reporter?

BB: Yes, but this test is a very tough one. We wanted to design our own obstacle course, but the Italians have made a natural one. In order to prove his or her intrepidness, a prospective Blickbild reporter or researcher must start at a beach in Tuscany, drive through a city, and then drive on a narrow mountain road. There will be pedestrians and mopeds to dodge, cyclists to go around while cars and trucks are coming at you from the opposite direction, and people opening their car doors without looking as you pass by. If you can make this drive without flinching, and the car is still in one piece, you will pass that particular test. 

Kildow: Wow! That is a tough test. But aren't the pedestrians in the zebra crossings?

BB: They are. But stopping for pedestrians in a zebra crossing is for wimps. You are judged on your ability to go around them. 

Kildow: That is why driving in Europe is so hard. The other drivers are all crazy!

BB: It doesn't seem like you are Blickbild material at all with thoughts like that. The original test was to drive through Prague in a car that doesn't have Czech license plates. But the only challenge in that was not being stopped by the police. We needed a challenge that would make mere mortals wet their pants and separate the intrepid ones from the sissies. 

Kildow: Maybe I really would not make a good Blickbild reporter now. But I could work for one of the others until I get more experience driving in Europe.

BB: Yes you could. I'm sure that you would make a very able journalist for one of the others. Do you think that Lindsey's  foundation would help any girls who want to come and work for us when they grow up?

Kildow: If that's what they want to do in life, we could empower them to achieve that dream. 

BB: So you would give girls the money to develop their intrepidness?

Kildow: Yes. If that is the life choice that would empower them to succeed, we would support it. By the way, do you think that I could ever work for the Blickbild after I felt better about driving in Europe?

BB: You'd have to pass all of our tests, which are among the most difficult in the business. 

(short pause) Now suppose that the Blickbild wants to start a foundation to help boys and girls develop intrepidness, do you think that it would conflict with Lindsey's foundation?

Kildow: Uh....I don't think so.

BB: What about a foundation to help children learn about geography? Part of being a Blickbild reporter or researcher is knowing geography. We have to know how to get to Slovenia without ending up in South Africa or Slovakia. In other words, kids should be empowered to figure out how to get to where they want to go. Don't you think so?

Kildow: I guess you could start a foundation to teach people about geography. If people make the right choices, then they will end up in the right place. But that is what Lindsey's foundation is all about--empowering girls to make good choices so that they end up in the right place. 

BB: I don't think I could have summed up the purpose of Lindsey's foundation any better than you just did.  Don't worry, we won't be establishing a foundation to teach people to be intrepid or to find places on a map. You either have what it takes to work for the Blickbild or you don't. 

Kildow: Just like you are either a girl who could benefit from Lindsey's foundation or someone who will forever make poor choices in life and end up living in a place that's far from a ski hill. 

BB: I never thought of it that way, but you are right. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for this interview and for the information about Lindsey's foundation. I'm sure that after this story is published, donations to it will soar. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters made the right choice coming to work for us. And they did it without any foundation money to empower them. Oh, they can also find their way to Slovenia without a GPS system. 

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild. 

New Competition Format

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our friends at the International Ski Federation (FIS) are concerned that the true all-around ski racer who can get on the podium in every discipline is a dying breed. Ski racers now are either speed or technical specialists. In order to reverse this trend, the FIS is planning on testing out a new competition format. It will be discussed at the annual summer meeting. Here to talk with one of our intrepid reporters about this exciting new potential change is FIS president GianFranco Kasper. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: It's nice to see you again Herr Kasper.
Kasper: Likewise
BB: A couple of seasons ago the FIS proposed changing the competition format so that every race is a parallel slalom on a ramp. Whatever happened to that? (see this story)
Kasper: The development of the ramps is not coming along as quickly as we expected it to. We ran into technical problems with the larger ramps for the speed disciplines. There are also logistical difficulties with transporting enough snow to warm weather places like Los Angeles or Las Vegas.
BB: What have you proposed instead?
Kasper: We took our cue from the recent Red Bull Skills event. The racers who participated did all four disciplines, which the fans loved.
BB: I thought that the FIS doesn't care about the fans.
Kasper: Of course we do because fans generate TV ratings. Nothing is more important to the FIS than TV ratings.
BB: Uh...what about safety?
Kasper: Everyone knows that safety is also a priority at the FIS. That goes without saying.
BB: Right. Tell our readers about the next great thing in ski racing.
Kasper: All races will consist of the four disciplines. Racers will do either one or two runs, but all four disciplines will be incorporated into those runs.
BB: What?!?
Kasper: It would be like having super-combined races but all in one. A lot of fans really like the super-combined for some reason which we at the FIS can't understand. Fans are also grumbling because the same people win the technical and speed races and they are switching to sports with more unpredictable outcomes like curling.
BB: Isn't the FIS responsible for the same people winning women's speed races for example? Most of the women's downhill courses are made for larger gliders and the smaller women don't stand a chance.
Kasper: We can't help it if certain racers are popular with the fans. The only way for them to remain popular, and keep our ratings up, is for them to keep winning and setting new records.
BB: Wait a minute! You just contradicted yourself. First you said that fans are getting bored with the same people winning. Then you said that fans like to see the same racers win all the time. Which is it?
Kasper: You have to remember that I'm the head of the FIS, so I'm always right even if it looks like I'm contradicting myself. Of course the fans of the racers who always win want to see them keep on winning. But others, who are old school in their thinking, want to see others on the top step of the podium. At the FIS we have to cater to both sets of fans, because we want ski racing to get more and more popular.
BB: In other words, the FIS is doing its part to ensure that certain athletes win.
Kasper: We would never engage in open collusion. Let's get back to the original topic.
BB: Good idea. You said that there are proposals for races of either one or two runs that incorporate all four disciplines. How would that work? Start with one-run races first.
Kasper: If the one-run proposal goes through, each run will consist of four parts, each of which will be a different discipline. One part of the course will be a downhill, one part a Super-G, one part giant slalom, and the fourth part slalom.
BB: What would the order be? Would they start slowly with the slalom part or quickly with the downhill?
Kasper: It would depend on the hill. For safety reasons, it would probably be best to start with the slalom and finish with either the downhill or Super-G. But a one-run race could also start with a giant slalom.
BB: It seems like each segment would be very short and a bit of a rip-off.
Kasper: True. But if every World Cup racer is participating, that would be over 100 per race instead of the usual 50 to 70. We would have to get everyone through before it got dark.
BB: I'm not so sure that the fans would go for one run with a little bit of each discipline.
Kasper: The other possibility is a 2-run model. Each run would be half speed and half technical, for example, downhill and GS in one run and Super-G and slalom in the other. In order to get everyone through in a timely manner, we could have two separate courses. Half of the racers would race on the first course, then switch to the second and vice versa.
BB: What if a ski area doesn't have two runs that are meet the standards for a World Cup race?
Kasper: Then we would switch to a venue that has two good runs. Or we could use the same course for both runs and just make the race an all-day affair. We could even have one run during the day and the second run under the lights.
BB: I see. Wouldn't that be a bit dangerous to have a nighttime speed race?
Kasper: Another proposal is to have the two speed disciplines in one run and the two technical disciplines in the other. It would be like a super super-combined race! What would be even more fun to watch would be alternating two disciplines within a run, for example starting with slalom, changing to GS, then back to slalom, and then finishing with GS.
BB: I'm sure that you and your colleagues will figure out all of the details in your summer meeting. One thing about these new races with every discipline is that it would require the athletes to do every race. There are about 40 races a season and it gets tiring. Very few now do every race. Did anyone ask the athletes what they thought of this proposal?
Kasper: The ones who participated at the Red Bull event had a great time. I'm sure that all of the athletes would enjoy themselves at every race.
BB: In other words, nobody asked the athletes what they thought of doing 40 races a season.
Kasper: If Tina Maze could do it, the others can too. World Cup racers are supposed to be professional athletes, not couch potatoes.
BB: How would the points work?
Kasper: We will stay with the current system of the top 30 racers earning points.
BB: What about the small globes? Would they be eliminated?
Kasper: Not at all. We will still have the small globes and even bring back the one for the super-combined.
BB: How would you do that if all of the races consist of the four disciplines and there is no more super-combined?
Kasper: Swiss timing of course. We will keep the split times of every race. It will be easy to figure out who had the fastest downhill segment, the fastest slalom segment, etc. in each race. The racers with the fastest average combined times in each discipline will win the globes. The super-combined globe will go to the racers with the fastest average downhilll and slalom times. We will be giving the fans what they want--all-around skiers but also those who are good in a particular discipline.
BB: It sounds very complex.
Kasper: It does at first. But the idea behind this new format is entertainment, pure and simple. When the fans are entertained, they are happy and willing to spend money on race tickets. Our TV ratings will soar, which will make the FIS happy. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
BB: Let's see how this proposal plays out in your summer meeting. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Herr Kasper, I want to thank you for another interesting interview. It is always a pleasure to talk to you. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We would never change our format for the sake of TV ratings. Oh wait....we're not on TV.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

2014/15 Season Awards

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Now that the season has ended, it's time to give out our end of season awards. Our intrepid research team has compiled lots of statistics and kept meticulous records to make sure that our information is accurate. Our winners won't get crystal globes or an animal, but they will get plenty of international recognition. Without further ado, let's present our end of season awards for the 2014/15 season

Best Artistic Impression. We thought that this one would go to Patrick Kueng for his beautiful save in which he lands on one foot in Beaver Creek after misjudging a compression (see this video). He earned a score of 17.5 points out of 10, which broke Felix Neureuther's record of 17 points last season in Levi. We thought that this would be an unbreakable record. But just as Marcel Hirscher came from behind in Meribel to win the slalom globe, Julien Lizeroux waited until the last race in finals to earn this award with a record mark of 20 points out of 10 (see this video). He earned originality bonus points for catapulting out the start house to a perfect forward roll to straddling the first gate. Nobody had ever done that move before. He also got a difficulty bonus for keeping his skis on during the somersault and another bonus for doing a move that will be named after him.  Benjamin Raich and Forerunner #3, both in the Vail world championship slalom race, earned the third most artistry points. They had 14.2 points, Benni for his straddle of a slalom pole to a 360 degree turn and slalom Forerunner #3 (we know his real name, but everyone knows him as Forerunner #3) for coming out of both skis and skiing down on his boots, turning, and coming to a controlled stop with beautiful arm position.

Most Disappointing Races. It was a tie between the Kitzbuehel downhill and the Meribel women's Super-G races. Kitzbuehel was celebrating the 75th anniversary of the legendary Hahnenkamm downhill race and the movie "Streif: One Hell of a Ride." Needless to say, the real race this season was nothing like the movie. Because of a patch of fog that refused to leave (even worse than the later Bansko Fog Vortex), the race started about 3 gates before the finish line. It was even shorter than a slalom run and took less time than Usain Bolt takes to run 100 meters. If you blinked your eyes, you missed it. The Meribel course was flatter than a pancake and  something that a beginner could do after a week of lessons. OK, the beginner may have to traverse from side to side instead of going straight down, but he could still make it down without a problem. The women's Super-G was also very short, about that of  a typical giant slalom run, and was more like a straight tuck and glide course rather than one which required a modicum of technical ability. So much for Super-G being super giant slalom and more for it being a short course downhill.

Best At Proving the Naysayers Wrong. The Austrian men's speed team gets this one. After the Austrian men netted zero medals in downhill at the Vail world championships, the ski blogosphere was lit up with almost everyone saying that the Austrian men were washed up and were no threat to win any subsequent races. Some ski bloggers even said that the Austrian speed team would be spending a lot of time in the salt mines instead of being able to go on a spring holiday. But in Saalbach the Austrians swept the podium in the downhill and then they repeated that feat a week later in Garmisch. While order has been restored to the ski racing world with the Austrian men back on top, the salt miners are also happy that the ski racers won't be taking their jobs.

Best Excuse For Not Winning. Lindsey Vonn wins this one hands down. Her Comeback From the Brink of Death Season also included new and different excuses from her usual ones about fog, wind, unsafe conditions, and belly aches. Her public relations people have been very busy crafting creative excuses for when she did not win a race. Ms. Vonn had three excuses which all tied for the season's best and most original. The first was that she only got one course inspection for the Super-G race in Val d'Isere. Our intrepid research team scrambled to find information about the number of course inspections that racers normally get and the answer was one. The only explanation is that she is a slow learner and requires at least a week to train at a venue to get a proper advantage over her competitors. Excuse number two was that the downhill course in St. Moritz was too easy. It was a very simple course, especially in the first section, where it was so flat the racers needed cross country skis before switching to their downhill ones. If it really was so easy, she would have won the race skiing backward on one ski while blindfolded.  The last excuse was that the snow at the downhill race in Vail was different that how it was in training. She never explained exactly how it was different, so again our intrepid research team did the work that nobody else dared to do. Our researchers found out that the snow on race day was a different shade of white than it was in training. Ms. Vonn evidently has very sensitive vision and can detect subtle differences in shades of white that mere mortals cannot.

Most Haunted by the Stone of Doom. That award goes to Ted Ligety, whose hopes for wins in both Soelden and Kranjska Gora were derailed by the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom. We first reported about the stone just after the season-opening race in Soelden. Even though most of Ted's countrymen can't find Slovenia on a map, the stone managed to find its way to Kranjska Gora. It hid on the course and ambushed Ted just when he least expected it. The Naughty Stone was also in Vail, where it used its super Ninja powers to prevent Lindsey Vonn from winning a medal in the world championship downhill race. It was so stealthy that Lindsey didn't even feel anything as she ran over it. Now that is a real Ninja stone! There were rumours that the Naughty Ninja Stone was really on the course in Beaver Creek to get Ted one more time but it got confused about the race calendar. We will send a team of our intrepid researchers to find the stone and ask it if it meant to get Ted or Lindsey in Vail. 

Top Witch Doctor. Grandma Jansrud. Yes, this is a surprise because she is technically not a witch doctor. She is a Norwegian grandmother. All season it was very close between Germany's Dr. Mabongo and France's Dr. Djibuku. The lead kept changing with each race and it was going to come down to finals for who would be the season's top witch doctor. But in the last few races of the season the Norwegian men came on strong. At first it was attributed to the new Norwegian team witch doctor, Dr. Mwafume. But it turned out that Norway's secret weapon, as usual, was Grandma Jansrud's ojlmsfjaegger. It is no coincidence that Henrik Kristoffersen was inconsistent and Kjetil Jansrud went into a slump when Grandma Jansrud was in the hospital and the team had to rely on (horror of horrors!) store-bought ojlmsfjaegger. Once Grandma Jansrud was fully fit again, she went back to supplying the team with its favorite birthday treat and the Norwegian men were back on the podium again. It is rumored that Drs. Mabongo and Djibuku have asked Grandma Jansrud for her ojlmsfjaegger recipe. 

There you have it...we will have to wait until the end of next season for more awards. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We get the award for Best Ski Racing Parody Site

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild. 

Speed Globes 2015

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The end of the World Cup season is fast approaching. It's time to figure out who will win the Crystal Globes. In the speed disciplines Kjetil Jansrud has clinched the Super-G globe, but the other three globes are still up for grabs. Here to help our readers make sense of the globe races is our Special Analyst, who is really one of our intrepid researchers. As you can see, the people on our research team wear many hats. The Special Analyst is a different researcher than our Answer Man. Without further ado, let's find out what our Special Analyst has to say.

BB: Let's start with the ladies and the downhill globe. Lindsey Vonn leads Anna Fenninger by 35 points. What does Anna have to do to win the globe?

SA: If Anna wins and Lindsey is 3rd or worse, then she wins the globe. But Tina Maze also has a mathematical chance of taking the globe if she wins and Anna and Lindsey both fail to finish.

BB: What are the odds of Tina taking the downhill globe?

SA: About the same as the moon being in the seventh house, Jupiter aligning with Mars, peace guiding the planets, and love steering the stars. It does look like Tina has a solid third place. But the real battle is for the 4th place tin medal. With Vicky Rebensburg out with an injury, the competition for 4th place is between Lara Gut (260 points), Elisabeth Goergl (257 points), Elena Fanchini (246 points), and Tina Weirather (243 points).

BB: Come on! Do the fans really care about who ends up in 4th place when the two leaders are very close? The 4th place finisher doesn't get to be up on the award stand.

SA: Everyone has a soft spot for the tin medalist. If Lindsey ends up winning the downhill globe again, the fans will yawn and say, "Ho-hum, she got another one." But they will feel sorry for the one who came so close to the podium yet so far. Lara, Lizz, Elena, or Tina W. will be the ones competing for the "won our hearts award."

BB: Now for the women's Super-G globe, which is very close. The lead kept changing between Anna and Lindsey. Who will end up with it?

SA: Lindsey could have the advantage because he trainer will set the Super-G course in Meribel. I'm sure that Famous Ski Blogger George N. would agree. But if the course is too easy, Anna could have the advantage.
BB: Wouldn't it be a US conspiracy if Lindsey won with her trainer setting the course?
SA: Technically yes. But there is the revenge factor for all of those Austrians and Slovenians who did multiple course settings this season. This is the USA's only chance to set a Super-G course and they intend to make the most of it. 

BB: What about third place?

SA: It looks like Tina Maze has that locked up, though either Lara Gut and Cornelia Huetter could sneak in there if Tina fails to finish and they finish first or second.

BB: What happens if Anna and Lindsey are tied?

SA: Then it goes to our tie breakers. (see this story) This year the language on the spelling test is Hmong. Neither Anna nor Lindsey knew this until they took the test. That way they couldn't have cheated on the test by trying to study for it.
BB: Did they also have to write using Hmong characters or were they allowed to write a transliterated version with the Latin alphabet?
SA: Of course they had to use the Hmong alphabet. How else would the test graders know if the words have been spelled correctly? But they got a special paper with the Hmong alphabet on it to help them. Our test graders are native speakers.
BB: Good point. What about when the test is in Klingon? There are no native speakers of Klingon on Earth. 
SA: There are enough nerds who attend Star Trek conventions who qualify as near-native Klingon speakers.
BB: Let's move on to the men now. Hannes Reichelt is only 20 points behind Kjetil Jansrud in the downhill standings. Did they also have to take their language test in Hmong?
SA: Yes, the men and women get the same language on their tests each season.
BB: Do the men and women take their language tests at the same time to prevent cheating?
SA: Yes. They are in different locations when they take their tests, but Test Day is the same for both the men and women. To prevent cheating, their phones, iPads, and laptops are also confiscated until they finish the test. The tests are strictly done with pencil and paper. Everyone also sits at a separate desk to prevent cheating.
BB: It looks like Kjetil Jansrud and Hannes Reichelt will be the top two downhillers, though we don't yet know in which order. 
SA: Right. But the interesting battle will be the competition for 3rd place. Dominik Paris (386 points), Matthias Mayer (368 points), and Guillermo Fayed (344 points) all have a good chance of getting into 3rd position in Meribel. Dominik has a mathematical chance of 2nd place, but Hannes has to really screw up big time and Dominik must win for that to happen. The odds of that happening are about the same as a meteor hitting Meribel on race day.

BB: Now for the last globe, the men's Super-G, which Kjetil Jansrud has already wrapped up.

SA: Right. It also looks like Dominik Paris has second place, though if he messes up and Matthias Mayer wins, then Mayer could take second place. Both Hannes Reichelt and Vincent Kriechmayr have a mathematical chance of taking third place, but the odds of that are about the same as a Vail awards announcer being able to find Liechtenstein on a map.

BB: Now let's say that something happens to Kjetil Jansrud and he dies. Would he still get the globe posthumously, or would Dominik Paris get it?

SA: What a morbid question! Why do you want Kjetil to die?

BB: I'm the one asking the questions here, not you. But to answer your question, of course I don't want Kjetil to die. He is a very nice guy and has a great sense of humor. It's a hypothetical question that none of the others have dared to ask. At the Blickbild we ask the questions that everyone else is afraid to ask.

SA: I would imagine that one of his heirs would get the globe for him.

BB: Would it really make a difference if Dominik got the globe instead? After all, Kjetil will be dead and he wouldn't know if he or Dominik got it.

SA: This is getting absurd, even by the Blickbild's low journalistic standards. Yes, Kjetil would still get the globe because he earned the most Super-G points. Dominik would get the 2^nd place medal.

BB: Who would then make ojlmsfjaegger* for the Norwegian team if Kjetil dies? Would his grandmother carry on making them?

SA: We would have to ask her. She might want to do it to keep his memory alive with Team Norway. But Kjetil is going to live to collect his globe.

BB: Of course he will. This is a hypothetical situation that could happen to another racer in the future. If Grandma Jansrud is too grief stricken to carry on making ojlmsfjaegger for the team, who would make them?

SA: I suppose that the athletes and trainers would ask their wives, mothers, grandmothers, or other female relatives to supply the team with ojlmsfjaegger. There may even be a call spread through all of Norway for its women to do their patriotic duty and make ojlmsfjaegger for the racers.

BB: It's reassuring to know that the Attacking Vikings will have their favorite birthday treat no matter what happens to its racers. Well, it looks like we are just about out of time. I want to thank you for this interview and your insight into the speed discipline globe races. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Are we really being absurd because we ask what others think about asking but are too scared to?

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

* Ojlmsfjaegger are cubes of pickled reindeer heart in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce. They are eaten on birthdays in Norway. 



Even More Questions and Answers

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Every day we get lots of letters, e-mails, and tweets from our loyal fans. We consider it our duty to answer all of the questions that our readers send us. This time we have two people to help answer your questions. The first is our Answer Man, who is really one of our intrepid researchers. The second is the Famous Ski Blogger known as George N. Some of you may be thinking, "Hey wait a minute! I thought you would never interview him again!" (see this story) But we believe in second chances and we will give him another opportunity. If he flubs up again, then he'll never darken our door. Anyway, let's find out what our readers have been asking us. 

BB: Our first question...what did Marcel Hirscher eat for breakfast before the GS race in Garmisch?
Answer Man: He ate the normal Austrian breakfast of rolls, some meat, cheese, and fruit.
George N: He should have eaten a proper American breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and toast.
Answer Man: If he had that for breakfast, he would have lost by 3.28 seconds.
George N: Then Ted Ligety would have won the race. He is Mr. GS after all and he doesn't eat any of that funny foreign food for breakfast.
Answer Man: Uh...Ted was 4th, with Felix Neureuther and Benni Raich ahead of him. Felix and Benni also eat a typical European breakfast.
George N: They really need to start eating American style breakfasts. Ted eats them and he has been the best in GS for the past five years.

BB: Next question...Is the Austrian men's speed team really washed up?
George N: If you look at the results from the Vail World Championship downhill race, there were no Austrians on the podium. The older racers are obviously past their prime and the younger ones still need more experience. They showed in Vail that they are really no threat to win races.
Answer Man: Not at all. So they didn't get into the medals in Vail. But in Saalbach and Garmisch the Austrians swept the podium. In Saalbach there were 5 Austrians in the top 10 and in Garmisch six. But some old school traditionalists could say that the Austrian speed team is washed up because they didn't sweep  the first 10 places.
George N: Saalbach and Garmisch are anomalies. The Austrians had an unfair home snow advantage in Saalbach and also in Garmisch. Garmisch is on the Austrian border.
Answer Man: They may have had home advantage, but they still needed to perform on race day, which they did. The short answer is that Austria is still as strong as ever in the men's speed events, even if they didn't sweep all of the top 10 places.

BB: Question three is a two part question. Was the Super-G course for the Alpine combined race in Bansko really unsafe? What is the difference between Bansko being unsafe and Lake Louise in 2012 being perfectly safe?
George N: Of course Bansko was unsafe. Lindsey said so and she is always right because she is the world's best skier.
Answer Man: The FIS jury declared it safe, so therefore it was. The FIS is always right. Kathrin Zettel did her Super-G run in identical conditions as Lindsey and she had no complaints.
George N: As to Lake Louise, it was perfectly safe because the right racer won.
Answer Man: Lake Louise was just as bad, if not worse, than Bansko with the fog, delays, and even Lara Gut being yellow flagged because of the fog. Lindsey didn't seem to complain about Lake Louise being unsafe.
George N:  If it were unsafe, she would have said something. But she didn't. So there!

BB: Our next question also relates to Bansko. Was there a special Bulgarian fog monster who set out to ruin the races there?
George N: There was something that was making the fog stay and causing the first two races to be cancelled. I will go with fog monster. Something certainly made Lindsey lose her way in the fog in the Super-G part of the Alpine combined race. Maybe she was temporarily abducted by a fog monster.
Answer Man: There is no such thing as a fog monster. Ski racing is an outdoor sport and fog happens. But there really are Yetis and Oetzi the Iceman has been known to come to life. The most reasonable explanation for not being able to see either Kathrin Zettel or Lindsey during their Super-G runs in the combined race was that they were temporarily sucked into a vortex. Kathrin lost less time in the fog because she is smaller and lighter than Lindsey. The vortex monsters were able to push Kathrin out more easily.
George N: Hold on there! You said that there are no such things as fog monsters, but that Kathrin and Lindsey got sucked into a vortex with monsters. I never heard of vortex monsters before.
Answer Man: You never  heard of vortex monsters? I suppose you also believe that Freedonia is a real country.
BB: Let's move on to our next question. 

BB: Question number five. What is your opinion of racers who only do one run of a super-combination or Alpine combination race?
George N: I have no problem with it because it gives the athlete an extra training run. Some of the racers are, shall we say, slower learners and need more time to get familiar with a course. They require more than the alloted one course inspection that the FIS gives them.
Answer Man: If a racer gets injured or becomes ill in the first run, or if there is a situation like Kitzbuehel with big delays, then he has a good excuse not to do the second run. But otherwise it shows a distinct lack of commitment, which can hinder a racer getting a good job in the future. Who wants a ski instructor who commits to teaching an all-day class but then decides not to teach the afternoon session? Or what about a father who takes his kid to a football match and leaves at halftime? If I were a supervisor, I would not want an employee who only works for the first half of his shift. If the Blickbild had to choose between two former racers for a job, we would take the one who did both runs in a combined race.

BB: Given Austria's success without a team witch doctor, are other teams starting to fire their witch doctors?
Answer Man: That is a rumor. So far no witch doctors have been fired, though Norway was close to firing Dr. Mwafume because of the team's numerous injuries this season. It looks like German witch doctor Dr. Mabongo and France's Dr. Djibuku will stay on for at least one more season.
George N: Like Austria, the US doesn't have a team witch doctor. We don't believe in voodoo or having foreigners on the team.
Answer Man: What about all of the Austrian trainers and former Swiss trainer Abplanalp?
George N: In order to be the best, we must have the best trainers. That's why our team has foreign trainers. But once we develop our own, then those foreign ones will be gone.

BB: Now for our last question. Will Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli be fired by Red Bull because he failed to prevent the Stone of Doom  (see this story) from coming to Vail?
Answer Man: No. In fact, Vinnie had nothing to do with the camouflaged Stone of Doom that Lindsey Vonn ran over in the downhill race. He was given the day off on downhill race day. I don't think that anyone could have prevented that naughty Ninja stone from coming onto the course. It was so stealthy that day that Lindsey could neither see nor feel it.
George N: He should be fired! First he failed to protect Lindsey from a knee injury in Schladming, then he took the day off instead of inspecting the Vail downhill course for that stone. I say shoot him in the kneecaps!
Answer Man: Vinnie was not even the head of security for Vail. If anyone should be fired, it would be the security chief. Vinnie may not have been able to compete in Vail along with the rest of the Freedonians, but he did a good job confiscating voodoo dolls from fans. In fact, he got a commendation for his work in Vail. As you recall, Vinnie was also absolved of any wrongdoing in Schladming.
George N: Vinnie was in an asylum for the criminally insane. Yet he is allowed near a race course. Something is definitely wrong.
Answer Man: He was cured of his temporary insanity, unlike some other people here.
George N: Yeah, it takes one to know one.
Answer Man: I think someone has stopped taking his medication.
George N: I don't take medication. I would not be allowed to write my blogs if I were on medication.
BB: Whoa! You're supposed to be answering our readers' questions, not attacking each other. You should be ashamed of yourselves! (short pause) Well, it looks like we are just about out of time and questions. I want to thank both of you for answering our readers' questions. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: The Answer Man is right. We will only hire former racers who didn't skip out on the second run of a combined race.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

Saalbach and Maribor Wrap-Up

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The races in Saalbach and Maribor had more than their fair share of excitement and surprises. Our intrepid reporters were in both places looking for the stories that nobody else would dare to print. Of course our gallant journalists found stories that the others ignored. We will do news briefs instead of our normal interview format. Let's find out what our reporters have to say...

Training Doesn't Count. Adrien Theaux executed a perfect Kristian Ghedina spread-eagle jump and landed on his feet during one of the downhill practice runs. He earned a score of 20 out of 10 for his graceful position in the air and pinpoint landing from the artistry judges on the sideline. It was a record artistic impression score. But wait! According to Section 12.3 in the FIS Big Book of Rules, the only artistry scores that can be submitted for records must occur during actual competition. The French Ski Federation appealed to the FIS to  have it count, citing the forerunner who tied for an artistry gold medal in Vail, but its plea fell on deaf ears. The French representatives were told that if Adrien, or any other racers, want to set a new artistry record, they must do so in a real race.

No More Witch Doctors? After Austria swept the three podium places in the Saalbach downhill, the ski blogosphere lit up with complaints about how the Austrians had the home advantage. If home snow advantage was really such a big thing, then Georg Streitberger would have won the race, or at least been on the podium. But he wasn't. Georg is from the Saalbach area. The athletes may have been competing in their home country, but they still had to perform on race day and they did. So much for the naysayers who claimed that the Austrian speed team is washed up. But the real issue that the Austrian sweep in Saalbach raises has nothing to do with home snow advantage. Austria is one of the few teams that does not have a witch doctor. The Austrian coaching delegation believes that the Power Team is so good that it doesn't need a witch doctor. Over the past two seasons there has been a huge demand for witch doctors. The FIS even set up a special course to train witch doctors because the countries which have them are no longer issuing witch doctor visas. It is possible that the Austrian sweep could convince teams that they don't really need a witch doctor to be successful. Then there would be a lot of unemployed witch doctors heading back to Africa, South America, and Oceania and resulting economic chaos in their homelands. Let's hope that the teams with witch doctors will keep them in order to prevent world economic collapse.

Witch Doctors II. German ski team witch doctor Dr. Mabongo went to Maribor to work with the women. Whatever he did paid off and he is the top witch doctor of the weekend. He is definitely the front runner for this year's Dave Seville Award. Viktoria Rebensburg started the weekend off with a close 2nd place finish in the giant slalom race. In the slalom race the next day, the two German women in the second run, Lena Duerr and Maren Wiesler, both had their best finishes in a World Cup slalom. Lena was 5th and Maren 12th. Now the Germans have a dilemma. After working with the women for almost two seasons, Dr. Mabongo switched over to the men's team. The German men have had great results this season. Now what will the German Ski Federation (DSV) do? Will Dr. Mabongo stay with the men or go back to the women's team? Or will the DSV hire a second witch doctor? We will provide updates as soon as we get them.

Almost Doesn't Count. Lindsey Vonn repeating endlessly on social media about how she had the fastest first split in the Maribor giant slalom brings up an interesting question for the FIS. Will a racer only get World Cup points if she crosses the finish line? Or could she earn special bonus points for having the fastest times between the start and first split, the first to the second split, or the last split to the finish line even if she has a DNF? One of our intrepid reporters talked to Bob, our contact at the FIS. Bob told our reporter that for now the only time that counts is when an athlete crosses the finish line. Basketball players don't get a point if their shot hits the rim and footballers (soccer players to our US readers) don't get a partial point if they hit the crossbar or post. A ski racer could be the very fastest up until the last gate before the finish, but if she misses that gate, her run goes into the race record as a DNF and the split times are meaningless. The FIS also does not keep records of who had the highest number fastest split times in a season or a career. But Bob also said that the FIS is always open to new ideas and could discuss the idea of giving points for the fastest split times in races.

Artistry Awards. No race weekend report is complete without the artistic impression awards. Kathrin Zettel may have had the best second slalom run in Maribor, but she also had the highest artistry score of the weekend. During the first run she had a balance break and ended up on one ski. She earned a score of 9.2, getting bonus points for technical merit for going around a gate on one ski. Marie-Michele (Mitch) Gagnon and Tina Maze copied Benni Raich's 360 spin in Vail but with different results. Mitch beat Tina by a score of 8.7 to 8.15. Mitch did a 360 but was deducted for a bend in the waist. Since the 360 had been done before, neither she nor Tina earned an originality bonus. But Mitch stayed on her feet, while Tina received a mandatory 0.5 deduction for her fall.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive report.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Almost doesn't count. That's why we don't hire people who are almost intrepid.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.