FIS Announces New Competition Format Changes

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

International Ski Federation (FIS) delegates are enjoying a holiday in Dubrovnik, Croatia basking in the sun, taking side trips, and eating delicious Croatian food. In between their excursions and meals they met about planning upcoming race schedules for the next few seasons. But the Blickbild beat the competition in bringing our readers a story that nobody else is brave enough to print. We have just learned that the FIS will change how ski racing competitions will be run starting in the 2016/17 season. One of our intrepid reporters in Dubrovnik caught up with FIS president Gian-Franco Kasper during a break in the action. Let's find out what Herr Kasper has to say.

BB: Herr Kasper, please tell our readers about these new and exciting changes to FIS World Cup races.

Kasper: There will be two big changes. The first is that all ski races will use a City Event format. The second is that there will be at least one race on every continent except Antarctica.

BB: Why will all races be City Events?

Kasper: The City Events in Munich and Moscow have been very successful in promoting Alpine skiing. Both the athletes and spectators enjoy these events. We have had very good attendance at both the Munich and Moscow events.

BB: The Munich events were well-attended. But only about 100 people showed up in Moscow for the 2013 City Event.

Kasper: In 2012 only about 20 people attended the Moscow event. We made the mistake of scheduling it on the same night as a Champions League football match. For the 2013 City Event the FIS made sure that no football matches were being played in Moscow and the attendance quintupled.

BB: I see your point. Were there any other reasons for having only City Events?

Kasper: Tickets to ski races cost a lot of money. At most competitions the spectators only see the very end. They watch most of the race on the big video screen. So our fans are basically paying to watch TV. They could watch the whole race for free at home and stay warm. At City Events the spectators can see the whole course from start to finish. They will get their money's worth when they attend a World Cup race. Also, even though speed races last a long time, they are usually over by the time the 30th racer finishes. But the fans have to sit through more racers before the award ceremony. Giant slalom and slalom races are all day affairs. A City Event only takes about two hours, which is much less time than a traditional race.

BB: I can understand that. I'd much rather be at home in front of the TV drinking hot chocolate instead of sitting or standing outside in the cold for hours to watch a race. Was that the only consideration for changing the race format?

Kasper: No. Another factor was weather and snow conditions. FIS course workers spend a lot of time preparing a race course. One snowstorm can ruin a perfectly prepared course as can wind and fog. A City Event requires a lot less preparation time than a traditional race. We just need to build the ramp, put snow on it, set up the gates, and voila, the course is ready. No having to cancel races due to bad weather or too much fresh snow.

BB: Does this mean that there will be no more races in the disciplines of downhill, Super-G, giant slalom, slalom, and combined?

Kasper: Not at all. But they will be run on parallel courses on ramps in the different disciplines.

BB: What about races in traditional venues like Wengen or Kitzbuehel? The reason those races are classics is because of the courses. It is exciting to see how a racer handles the Mausfalle in Kitzbuehel or watching him go under the train bridge in Wengen. That would be lost skiing on a ramp instead of on the natural piste.

Kasper: At the FIS we are working on the technology to give racers the look and feel of a real ski run while skiing on a ramp. We are developing video technology that makes the racers think they are on a natural piste in that venue and we're also working on the same technology that is used in flight simulators to give the athletes the feel of a real piste. Those items are currently in the testing phase and should be ready by October 2016 in Soelden.
BB: Wouldn't that be a lot of work to build new ramps in every race location for the different disciplines?
Kasper: Not at all. FIS engineers have developed portable ramps that can easily be put up and taken down. We will have two sizes of ramps, one for downhill and Super-G and one for giant slalom and slalom. The ramps for the speed events are about twice as long as the ones for the technical disciplines, which are the same size as current City Event ramps. We can change the gate configuration based on the type of race being run on the ramps. For the slaloms we will also use slalom poles instead of gates. It will be just like a race on a natural ski run, only the athletes will compete side-by-side as they do in the current City Events.
BB: How will a super-combined race be run? Will there be two ramps?
Kasper: We will use the downhill/Super-G ramp, but the slalom course will start halfway down the ramp. The racers will still compete side-by-side; but one side will be set up for the slalom and the other for the downhill. One racer will start on the slalom and the other on the downhill. Then they will switch and the two times will be added.
BB: How will the courses be set?
Kasper: The FIS will set the downhill courses and ensure that both sides have the exact gate configuration. The other events will be set by representatives from the various countries, just like they are now. Nations with racers in the top 15 in their respective disciplines are eligible to set the courses. Course setters will be determined before the season begins.
BB: What about Ante Kostelic? Will he be allowed to set any courses?
Kasper: Not on your life! If Croatia has skiers in the top 15, the FIS will designate an alternate course setter. There is no way Ante Kostelic will be allowed anywhere near a course!
BB: Will you use the same single elimination format as the current City Events?
Kasper: Yes. The racers will do two runs, one on each side of the ramp. Winners are determined by the combined time of both runs. If there is a tie after both runs, the skiers will play Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who goes on to the next round. The skiers will compete in rounds until there is a winner. The two semi-finalists who did not make it to the final will also compete for third and fourth places.
BB: Will the point system change, and if so, how?
Kasper: Yes. We will keep the traditional system of the top 30 racers getting points. Since there will be 32 competitors in a race under the new format, two racers will not receive points. First place is worth 100 points, second 80, third 60 and fourth 50. The skiers who get knocked out in the quarter finals, which would be places five through eight, will each get 25 points. The racers who are eliminated in the second round, places nine through sixteen, will each receive 10 points. All of the skiers who lose their first round races, except for two, will receive one point for participation.
BB: How will you determine which two skiers will not get a participation point?
Kasper: After the first round, we will put 16 pieces of paper in a bowl. Fourteen will have a number 1 printed on them. The other two will have a sad face. The skiers who lose their first round races will draw a piece of paper from the bowl. The ones who get the papers with the 1 will get a point. The ones who draw a sad face will get zero.
BB: The City Events have been criticized as being exclusionary because only 16 men and 16 women can participate. How will the FIS determine who will get to participate in the new races? In a traditional race there can sometimes be over 70 participants.
Kasper: As I said earlier, the new system will allow 32 men or women to compete in a race. The week before the race, all of the racers who are interested in participating will put their names into a Tombola. A representative from the FIS will pick 32 racers to compete and also three alternates. The alternates will compete only if one of the original 32 racers is too injured or ill to compete. All athletes will have their names on only one piece of paper. They don't get extra chances because of their World Cup ranking. Therefore, every athlete has an equal chance of getting to race on a given weekend. During finals the top 15 ranked skiers in each discipline will compete along with the junior world champions, with only 15 getting points.
BB: So if previous World Cup overall winners like Lindsey Vonn, Maria Hoefl-Riesch, Tina Maze, Carlo Janka, Aksel Lund Svindal, Benni Raich, Ivica Kostelic, or Marcel Hirscher never get chosen for a race, what happens?
Kasper: It's too bad for them. They have the same chance as anyone else of being chosen. We will not show any preference toward any racer, though if the paper with Christof Innerhofer's name seems to be missing from the Tombola, we will say that we can't understand how that could have happened.
BB: Now let's talk about where these races will take place. Will all of them take place in the middle of a city? What about traditional race venues like Soelden, Wengen, or Kitzbuehel?
Kasper: We will keep races in the traditional places, but they will be on the ramps instead of the pistes. There will also be races in Nairobi, Rio de Janeiro, Wellington, and New York City for the men. Women will race in Nairobi, Rio, Wellington, and Los Angeles. Finals will be held in Dubai for both men and women.
BB: Wait a minute! Most of these places are either south of the Equator, where it's summer during World Cup racing season, or they don't have a real winter. How do you expect to hold a ski race in Dubai when it isn't cold enough to snow?
Kasper: All of the non-traditional venues where we will hold races have indoor skiing halls. The air conditioning in the skiing halls will be on to keep things cold. The snow just has to last the two hours of the race. We have already checked to ensure that our ramps will fit in the indoor arenas.
BB: Why didn't the FIS choose places in cold weather cities? Wouldn't the people who live in colder climates tend to ski more than those in warm cities?
Kasper: A lot of people who live in the Los Angeles and New York City areas ski. There are ski resorts that are a short drive away from both of those cities. Many of the ski teams do their summer and fall training in South America or New Zealand. We are also trying to generate interest for skiing in Africa and Asia. Think about the populations of Africa and Asia. That is a lot of people who could take up skiing or attend a race. We need to bring the races to them and then they will want to ski themselves. Dubai is the sports capital of the world. Every sport has a major tournament there. World Cup skiing is the only sport that does not have a competition in Dubai. With Dubai hosting the World Cup finals, skiing can become part of the sporting culture there. If the 2017 finals are successful, Dubai may even become a regular stop on the World Cup tour.
BB: How do the athletes feel about racing on a ramp? Won't they feel shortchanged because they are going from a real piste to a much shorter ramp?
Kasper: All of the important people at the FIS have unanimously approved this new racing format. We heard from the athletes, but did not like what they had to say. The two most important priorities at the FIS are safety and always being right.
BB: What about the 2017 World Championships? Will they be on a ramp?
Kasper: Yes, of course. It will be the most exciting World Championships because the spectators will actually be able to see the full races.
BB: What about the 2018 Olympics?
Kasper:  The Olympic ski races will also be on ramps and not on the real pistes.
BB: How will Olympic and World Championship teams be decided? The current system allows up to four skiers per event per country.
Kasper: Up to four skiers per team on each event will be able to place their names in the Tombola. Five days before the race, FIS officials will draw 32 names. Those 32 skiers will be the ones who compete in the races.
BB: That seems rather unfair that a skier who has been training for many years for the Olympics or World Championships could be denied a chance to compete because his or her name was not drawn.
Kasper: Not really. Everyone who shows up for the Olympics or World Championships now has an equal chance to compete and win a medal. It won't be just those from the skiing powerhouse countries who will earn medals. Those who don't make it into the individual competitions can always compete in the team events.
BB: Don't you feel that the next few seasons will be sad because they will be the last ones run on real pistes?
Kasper: Our sport needs to change with the times. If we never changed, the athletes would still be racing on wooden skis and wearing sweaters and stretch pants instead of speed suits. Think of this change as our sport growing and evolving just like changes with ski technology and clothing. Anyway, TV ratings for City Events are even higher than for traditional races. While safety is of course a priority, TV ratings are also very important to the FIS. The team event at World Cup finals, which is run similarly to a City Event, gets even higher TV ratings than the men's downhill race. We need to satisfy our fans. If the fans want City Events, that is what the FIS will give them.
BB: I see. Herr Kasper, I want to thank you for your time. I'm sure that ski fans all over the world are looking forward to these changes. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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Skiers To Give Their World Championship Medals To Lindsey Vonn

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild is known for its interviews. But we at the Blickbild are not afraid to try new things and have done this piece in the style of a traditional news story. We are still upholding our high journalistic standards and maintaining our reputation as the one who will print the stories that nobody else will. Hopefully our readers will enjoy this story as much as they do our exclusive interviews. 

SCHLADMING, Austria:  After a tense 3-month standoff, the Austrian women have finally given in to the demand from the International Skiing Federation (FIS) to give skier Lindsey Vonn all of the medals that they will earn at the World Championships in Schladming, which will open on Monday. FIS officials were afraid that the championships would have to be cancelled because the Austrian women wanted to keep their medals instead of giving them to Vonn. But thanks to some clever negotiations, the Austrian women have capitulated and the championships can go on as scheduled. 

The idea of giving Vonn medals started with her best, and only, friend on the World Cup circuit, German skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch. She said, “I still feel guilty about what happened in Lenzerheide two seasons ago, when I won the overall World Cup globe by 3 points after the final race was cancelled due to the weather. I wanted to do something to make my friend feel better after everything that she has been through with her divorce, tax problems, stomach aches, and depression. I thought it would make her feel good if I gave her any gold medals that I earn in Schladming. I know that she would never do the same for me, but sometimes in a friendship, one person must give more.”

Hoefl-Riesch’s idea of giving Vonn her gold medals very quickly spread to other skiers. Vonn’s teammate Julia Mancuso and British skier Chemmy Alcott were the next to pledge to give any gold medals that they earn to Vonn. Mancuso and Alcott know all about helping others. They were the founders of the Skiers Helping Japan charity, which aided victims of the devastating 2011 earthquake and tsunami. Once Mancuso and Alcott got involved, word spread quickly and the female skiers participating in the World Championships vowed to give their gold medals to Vonn.

One of Vonn’s public relations spokesmen, who chose to remain anonymous, said that this was not good enough. He said that Vonn’s legacy must exceed that of former champion Anja Paerson, who is the only skier in history, male or female, to earn gold medals in all five disciplines at the world championships. The spokesman said, “Even if Lindsey gets all of the gold medals, she will only tie Paerson’s accomplishment. Lindsey needs something to completely obliterate Paerson from the record books and establish the Vonn legacy. Any Alpine skier who earns a medal, whether it’s gold, silver, or bronze, must give her medal to Lindsey. That way Lindsey will have earned every medal possible at a world championship. Nobody will ever be able to match that achievement and it will stand in the record books forever. ” The spokesman also brought up the 2010 Olympics, where Vonn brought her downhill gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony and was criticized for it. Vonn won a bronze medal in the Olympic Super-G. “Now if Lindsey earns a silver or bronze medal, she will also have a gold medal to go along with it. There is no way anybody can say she is doing anything wrong or tacky at the award ceremony.”

All of the other women on the World Cup circuit, except for the Austrians, enthusiastically endorsed giving their medals to Vonn. World Cup overall leader Tina Maze of Slovenia explained why this was such a great idea. “I feel terrible that I am leading the overall standings this year instead of Lindsey. When I think of how I am contributing to her depression, it makes me depressed. So when I heard about the idea of giving Lindsey all of the medals that I earn in Schladming, I knew that it was the right thing to do. It would help to make both of us feel good.” US ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin also jumped on the bandwagon to help her teammate. According to Shiffrin, “Lindsey feels so bad because I’m getting a lot of media attention for my achievements. She is out of the limelight and it makes her angry and upset. Giving her any medals that I earn will turn the attention back to her, where it rightfully belongs.”

Even the men got into the act. Mancuso’s boyfriend, Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal, thought that giving Vonn all of his medals was a splendid idea. Svindal, who is known for his sportsmanship, said, “I thought that my Olympic bronze medal was special because Kjetil (teammate Kjetil Jansrud) was on the podium with me. But I was wrong. Any medal that I earn in Schladming will be even more special because I will give it to Lindsey in order to make her feel good and to make it easier for Julia in team meetings. I will be helping two people simultaneously.” Austrian Marcel Hirscher, last season’s World Cup overall champion, also got his fellow men to donate their medals to Vonn. “If I can give my race winnings to Italian earthquake victims,” he said, “I can certainly give Lindsey all of my world championship medals. She is a more worthy cause than people who lost everything in an earthquake. There is nothing in this world worse than depression and belly aches.” Even injured Swiss sensation Beat Feuz had something to say. “I wish that I wasn’t injured this season so that I could compete in Schladming and give Lindsey all of my medals. I know she would really appreciate that.”

Still, the Austrian women adamantly refused to give any medals to Vonn.  Anna Fenninger, the 2011 World Championship super-combined gold medalist, summed up the Austrian position. “First she disrespected us women by saying that she wanted to ski with men because we were too boring. Then she wants us to hand over the medals that we earn. Forget it!” Fenninger’s teammate Michaela Kirchgasser had an even stronger stance. “First she expected to get 2000 points and all 5 globes this season. Then she wanted to race against men and beat them. If she is so great, she should be able to earn medals in Schladming without any help from us. She won’t get any of my medals.”  Elisabeth Goergl, the veteran member of the Austrian team, and the 2011 World Championship gold medalist in downhill and Super-G, also had some choice words for Vonn. “When Lindsey can beat us women in every race by huge margins, then she is worthy of my medals. Until then, she must earn them the old-fashioned way like the rest of us.”

To get the Austrian women to change their position, many unsuccessful tactics were tried. First the FIS threatened to give the ladies, even the top-ranked ones, start numbers of 60 and over in races. That threat failed when the FIS officials looked in their rule book and found that they legally could not do that. Then they called the skiers’ sponsors to have them withdraw their support. That also failed because they receive most of their support from the Austrian Ski Federation. The FIS threatened to take away all of the skiers’ World Cup points, but still the Austrian women did not budge. Threats to demote all of the women to the Nor-Am circuit (an FIS spokesman reasoned that the Europa Cup circuit would be too close to home) also did not work. Even when the FIS said that it would have special voodoo dolls of the Austrian women’s team made, the ladies were still unfazed.

Red Bull and HEAD, Vonn’s main sponsors, decided to try convincing the Austrian women to change their minds.  Mafia enforcer Vinnie “The Shark” Razzovelli was summoned. Within minutes, the whole Austrian women’s team agreed to give all of its world championship medals to Vonn. Fenninger explained the team’s quick turnaround. “It’s hard to argue when someone is pointing a gun at my kneecaps. I treasure my knees more than medals. If Lindsey really wants all of my medals that badly, she can have them.” Fenninger’s teammates had the same reaction and they all signed a binding pledge to give all of their medals to Vonn.

Now that all of the skiers, male and female, plan to give all of their medals to Vonn, the 2013 World Championships in Schladming will be the most exciting ones ever. The Blickbild will be in Schladming reporting all of the action on and off the slopes.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the other papers are too scared to print. 

FIS Announces New Rule Changes for 2013-14 Season

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild has received 10 bags of letters plus thousands of e-mails and tweets commenting on Italian skier Christof Innerhofer’s punishment in Kitzbuehel. Even though Innerhofer’s punishment of having to be the 46^th starter in today’s classic downhill race seems rather harsh, according to the International Ski Federation (FIS) he violated the rules and had to be penalized. The FIS evidently makes no exceptions for triple world championship medalists. If our readers think that Innerhofer’s penalty was over the top, there are five new rules that the FIS will be implementing starting next season. The Blickbild was able to get an exclusive interview with FIS president Gian-Franco Kasper about these five new rules and the penalties for violating them.

BB: Have these five rules already been approved, or are they still being discussed by the FIS?

Kasper: They have been unanimously approved by all of the important people at the FIS.

BB: Did the athletes have any input into these new regulations?

Kasper: Of course they did. We listened to their suggestions but felt that they were being too demanding. We ended up rejecting all of their suggestions.

BB: I see. Let’s talk about these new rules. The first new rule change involves athlete safety, which I know is very important to you and everyone involved in professional ski racing. Tell our readers about this rule.

Kasper: You are correct that athlete safety is our number one priority. But our other priority is making racing exciting for the fans by challenging the athletes and making themselves push themselves to their physical limits. The fans want action and a real spectacle!

BB: Is that why the first women’s downhill race this season in Lake Louise was allowed to continue despite heavy fog? Some athletes said that they couldn’t see because of the fog. Swiss skier Lara Gut was flagged partway down the course and given a restart because of the fog. Why did you allow that race to continue when it was obviously unsafe?

Kasper: Another FIS priority is ensuring that the correct skier wins a race. Lindsey Vonn was winning that race and she is very popular in North America. If we had cancelled that race before the 30^th skier came down, we would have been killed by rabid Vonn fans carrying pitchforks and torches. That race probably would have been cancelled if a different skier was leading.

BB: Yet last season a men’s race was aborted before the 30^th racer when a French skier was in the lead and the weather didn’t seem as bad as it was in Lake Louise.

Kasper: Again, the correct skier was not in the lead. I can’t even remember the name of the French skier who was leading that race. Since he was obviously not very memorable, it was not a big deal to cancel that race in the name of safety.

BB: Getting back to the original topic of the new regulations, please explain the first new one.

Kasper: Our workers do their best to make race courses as safe as possible. Yet there are athletes who still complain that they are unsafe. Starting next season, any athlete who complains about the course or weather conditions will be forced to wear a mask of shame or Schandmaske in his or her next race. It doesn’t matter if the athlete complains to the media, on his or her Facebook page, or privately to a friend or family member.

BB: How will that improve safety? A mask of shame has tiny eye slits, making it very difficult to see. Wouldn’t a mask of shame be more unsafe for the athletes, especially in speed races?

Kasper: They worked very well for gossipy women back in the Middle Ages. The skiers will learn that complaining won’t do them any good. In addition to the mask of shame, athletes will be fined 10,000 euros and 100 points will be deducted from their totals for every complaint. Any racer with less than 100 points will have half of his or her points taken away.

BB: Okay, let’s move on to rule number two, which relates to athletes who get injured or tangled up in the nets during a race.

Kasper: Safety is of course very important to the FIS, but so are TV ratings. When a race is held up because an athlete gets injured, tangled in the nets, or otherwise fails to finish, it gets very boring for the viewers. There are only so many interviews the commentators can do to fill the time. Viewers end up changing the channel to something more exciting. Our researchers at the FIS noticed that every time a race is stopped for an injury, the ratings for curling competitions soar. There are a lot of skiers who are drama queens who are not injured, but they take their time getting up after a fall because they want attention. The FIS wants viewers to stay with skiing and not become curling fans.

BB: What if an athlete is truly injured and the race must be held up to get him or her safely off the piste? Injuries have unfortunately always been a part of ski racing.

Kasper: If someone is such a big sissy that he or she cannot get up and ski down the hill on a broken leg, that person does not belong in the World Cup. If we wanted to make everything 100% safe and injury proof, we would require the skiers to wear bubble wrap over their speed suits and have them ski down a beginner piste. Our fans would leave us in droves and watch other action-packed sports like curling.

BB: What is the penalty for holding up a race, and will there be exceptions for those with severe injuries?

Kasper: Any skier who holds up a race will be fined 50,000 euros and all of his points will be taken away. In his or her next race, that athlete will be the very last starter. There will be no exceptions for those with major injuries. But someone who has a true injury that causes him or her to miss the remainder of the season will get a nice “get well” card from the FIS. At the FIS, we care about our athletes.

BB: Now to the third rule, which has to do with the pre-race course inspection. Can you explain it in detail?

Kasper: Of course. Certain skiers have a tendency to be the first to show up for the course inspection and are the last to leave. They are obviously Communists who are trying to infiltrate the FIS. In addition to safety, another priority of the FIS is to stand strong against the Red Menace of Communism.

BB: I’m sorry, but I don’t get the connection between a strong work ethic and communism.

Kasper: Back in the early 1960s I made several trips to the States. I saw the classic movie “Red Nightmare.” Another movie that I saw in the States, whose name I forget, explained the various ways to figure out if someone is a Communist. One big indicator of whether someone is a Communist is if he is the first person to show up for an event and the last to leave. If we apply the principle of finding Communists from this movie, we should look no further than those who are the first to arrive at course inspection and the last to leave.

BB: Uh…right. So what will happen to those athletes who the fans thought were hard workers but are really Communist spies?

Kasper: They will lose all of their World Cup points and be sent to a gulag in Siberia.

BB: Excuse me, Mr. Kasper, but the gulag was dismantled after the Soviet Union fell in 1991. Dissenters are no longer sent to the gulag or a psychiatric hospital.

Kasper: We can then implement Plan B, which is to put them to work in an Austrian salt mine. If these athletes have such a strong work ethic, they should be happy working in the salt mines. Of course they would lose all of their World Cup points and would have to start at the back of the pack after they served their time in the salt mines. That is, if we allow them back.

BB: The fourth new rule change involves an academic requirement for the athletes. Tell our readers about it.

Kasper: Our athletes represent both their countries and the sport of Alpine skiing whenever they give an interview. In addition to safety, one of the FIS’s priorities is that the athletes are intelligent and conduct themselves well in interviews. Therefore, all World Cup skiers must be fluent in at least 4 different languages. All must speak German and English, which are the universal languages on the World Cup. In addition, every skier must speak a Latin-based language and either a Slavic or Scandinavian language.

BB: Why so many languages? Aren’t German and English enough?

Kasper: World Cup races are held all over Western and Eastern Europe. The racers are being interviewed more and more by local correspondents, who may not necessarily speak English or German. The FIS spends a lot of money on interpreters. If the skiers speak the local language of where they compete, the FIS would save a lot of money.

BB: How would you test the athletes’ language proficiency?

Kasper: All racers will be given both oral and written tests in the different languages. Those who pass may compete in World Cup races. Those who fail the tests must spend their time taking language classes instead of racing and their racing licenses will be taken away. When they finally pass their language proficiency tests and return to racing, then they will have to start at the back of the pack and work their way up. If our athletes can figure out which line to take down a race course, they can certainly master four languages. We don’t want stupid people on the World Cup. If I can speak 10 languages fluently, then the skiers should be able to speak four.

BB: Now to the fifth, and last, new FIS regulation. I know that it has something to do with sportsmanship but I don’t have the details.

Kasper: Some racers are great sports and are good about congratulating whoever is in the winner’s box. But others simply ignore the skier in the winner’s box. This is intolerable and must stop. Safety is is a big priority of the FIS, but good sportsmanship is also very important. Winners should be recognized because a World Cup win is a very big accomplishment.

BB: How exactly will the FIS promote good sportsmanship?

Kasper: It’s very simple. When a skier passes by the winner’s box on the way out, he or she must bow down to the racer in the winner’s box and say, “Hail, then that skier’s name, then, You are the greatest!” Women have the option to curtsy instead of bow. But everyone will speak into a special microphone that will be set up so that all of the spectators can hear.

BB: What happens when the leaders change, as they often do?

Kasper: I’ll give you an example based on the Super-G race in St. Anton a couple of weekends ago. Lindsey Vonn gets into the winner’s box. The skier who was there previously must say, “Hail Lindsey Vonn, you are the greatest!” The next racer down in St. Anton was Anna Fenninger, who beat Vonn. Lindsey would then have to get out of the winner’s box, bow down to Anna, and say, “Hail Anna Fenninger, you are the greatest!” Tina Maze replaced Anna in the winner’s box. Therefore Anna would have to bow down and say, “Hail Tina Maze, you are the greatest!” After the race is over, all of the skiers who finished off the podium must gather in front of the podium, bow down and say, “Hail to you! You are the best!”

BB: Isn’t a simple handshake enough of a congratulatory gesture?

Kasper: No. The skiers must also say the “Hail” sentence like they really mean it.

BB: What happens if an athlete refuses to hail the racer in the winner’s box or is not sincere in how he or she hailed?

Kasper: Any racer who fails to hail the winner or the podium, or is not sincere about it, will be placed in a special pillory that will be set up in the finish area. They will not be allowed to compete in their next scheduled race; they will stay in the pillory for the duration of the race instead. There will be a sign on the pillory in English, German, and the local language which will say, “I was a poor sport because I didn’t hail the winner.” Spectators will be allowed to throw food or anything else at the skier in the pillory.

BB: Isn’t public shaming on the pillory a bit harsh?

Kasper: No. It is another punishment that was very effective back in the Middle Ages. We really need to bring it back to teach the athletes to be good sports.

BB: I’m sure that the fans and athletes are looking forward to these new rule changes. They all incorporate the FIS values of providing excitement for the spectators, TV ratings, intelligence, sportsmanship, getting rid of Communists, and safety.

Kasper: Watch for even more excitement on the World Cup scene when these new regulations go into effect.

BB: Thank you for your time and explanation of these new rules. All of us at the Blickbild are looking forward to next season.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others think is unfit to print.  

Swiss Men to Compete Against Women in 2013/14

SWISS MEN’S SPEED TEAM TO RACE WITH WOMEN IN 2013/14

A Boston Blickbild exclusive interview

The Swiss men’s speed team has had a very disappointing season. The season started on a low note when 2012 overall runner-up Beat Feuz announced that he was taking the season off to let a knee injury and infection heal. The team’s veterans, Carlo Janka, Silvan Zurbriggen, and Didier Defago, often finished out of the points in their races. Younger team members Sandro Viletta and Marc Gisin also performed poorly. The crisis affecting the Swiss team was all over the press. Every Swiss and international news bureau covered the story. Because of the poor performances of the Swiss men, they were given special permission by the International Ski Federation (FIS) to compete in women’s races starting next season. The Blickbild was granted an exclusive interview with Janka, Zurbriggen, Defago, and Gisin. Viletta was unfortunately unavailable. This interview was conducted before Carlo Janka’s 3^rd place finish in today’s Wengen super-combined race.

BB: Tell us why you think your performances have been unusually poor this season.

Janka: I had a mystery virus, a heart procedure, and back problems. Then I lost my mojo.

Zurbriggen: For me it is age. I am way past my prime and should have retired three years ago to work in a chocolate factory.

Defago: Everyone goes through up and down periods. Unfortunately the whole team seems to be on a big down cycle. It’s contagious. One guy has a bad run and then the others copy him.

Gisin:  I had an unhappy childhood because Mum always liked Dominique better than me.

BB: What have you been doing to try and improve your mental state and performances on the race course?

Zurbriggen: I am trying to channel (retired teammate) Didier Cuche and have even learned how to do his post-run ski flip. Didier was a late bloomer and maybe I am one too.

Defago: I am also channeling the other Didier by shaving my head. If I can look like the other Didier, I should also be able to ski like him.

Janka: Aksel Lund Svindal and I are about the same size. I planned to go into his hotel room, steal his speed suit, and replace it with mine. I would ski as Aksel and he as me. That way someone in a Swiss speed suit would do well in a race and the press would stop writing negative articles about us. But my plan was foiled because as soon as I broke into his hotel room, his two attack-trained reindeer, Olaf and Thor, gored me in the belly with their antlers. I was lucky to escape with my life!

Gisin: Here’s an example of how Mum liked Dominique better than me. Both of us tore our ACLs last season. Dominique was sent to the finest orthopedic clinic in Zurich to have her knee repaired. The best surgeons in Switzerland operated on her. Where did Mum send me? To the medical school in Geneva! Medical students operated on my knee! No wonder she is having better results than me this season!

BB: How do you view your chances for winning a medal at the world championships in Schladming in a few weeks?

Zurbriggen: I would love a medal, but the chances of me winning one are slim to none.

Janka: If I can find my mojo before Schladming, I have a good chance of winning a medal.

Defago: Anything is possible. Nobody expected me to win an Olympic gold medal in Vancouver and I did.

Gisin: Here’s more proof about how Mum loved Dominique more than me. All of Dominique’s medals and trophies are on display at my parents’ house. Mum told me that there is no room to display mine and I had to put them in the cellar.

BB: How did you decide that racing against women would solve the crisis with the speed team?

Defago: When I finished the downhill in Lake Louise last November in 57^th place, someone shouted at me, “You ski like a girl!” when I was in the finish area. That really stung. If I was going to ski like a girl, I might as well race with them.

Janka: I was 47^th in Val Gardena this year. Christian Simari-Birkner, the perennial last place finisher, actually did better than me in that race. He even tweeted, “Wasn’t dead last today! Beat the pants off of Carlo Janka!” When I read that, I thought that if I skied with the women he would go back to being last place again. If the women started beating me, I could steal one of Lindsey Vonn’s speed suits. We’re both about the same size. Imagine the fun it would be skiing as her and she as me.

Zurbriggen: As I said before, I was working on doing the Didier Cuche ski flip. When I finished my run in Beaver Creek, which was only good enough for 45^th place, I loosened up my binding and flipped my ski. Unfortunately, the ski went too far. The next skier down after me, who was from the Central African Republic, happened to finish about 5 seconds after I did. And he was in a snowplow! Anyway, my ski sailed over my shoulder and hit the African skier in the head. The last I heard, he is still in a coma on life support. But that got me thinking. Coming in just ahead of an African snowplower made me realize that I’m not good enough to compete with the men anymore and that I should race against the ladies.

Gisin: If I raced against women, and beat Dominique, then Mum would have to love me as much as she loves Dominique. I would show Mum who the best skier in the family really is! She would finally be proud of me.

BB: When Lindsey Vonn tried to race against men, the FIS turned her down. The FIS told her that men and women should have their separate races, though women can be forerunners in men’s races. How did you get the FIS to let you race against women?

Defago: Let’s just say that our performances this season speak for themselves.

Zurbriggen: Yeah, we stink!

Janka: We were so bad that Gunther Hujara set up a special meeting of the FIS board to grant us an exemption to the normal rules of competition.

Gisin: Here’s what really sealed the deal with the FIS. Dominique has her pilot’s license. I wanted to get my pilot’s license too, but Mum said that one pilot in the family is enough. I wish that Mum didn’t love Dominique more. She even loves my younger sister Michelle more than me.

Janka: Marc, we’re all sick and tired of you going on about how your mother doesn’t love you. Grow up and get over it already! I took a break during this season to find my mojo and nobody wrote about my comeback. Every newspaper, magazine, and TV channel had stories about Lindsey Vonn’s big comeback. I had about the same amount of time off and nobody mentioned anything about my big comeback in Adelboden. It was like I didn’t exist anymore despite being a world, Olympic, and World Cup overall champion. There were no parades or even trumpets playing a special fanfare at the races. But do you hear me whining about being neglected by the press? No! I sucked it up and moved on with my life. You need to do the same.

BB: How do you think you will do against the women next season?

Janka: I could become the first skier in World Cup history to win both a men’s and women’s overall Globe. How cool is that!

Defago: We’ll restore glory to the Swiss men’s team by taking all of the podium spots in the women’s races.

Zurbriggen: I can put off retirement even longer.

Gisin: Mum will finally be proud of me, unless she decides to hate me even more for beating Dominique in races.

BB: Thank you for your time and insights into the world of professional ski racing. Good luck competing against the women next season.

Zurbriggen: It was a pleasure, as always, talking with the Blickbild.

Janka: It is always interesting to talk with the Blickbild.

Defago: I enjoyed this interview very much.

Gisin: Wait until I tell Mum that I was interviewed by the Blickbild and Dominique wasn’t. That’s one point for me, a big fat zero for Dominique. Bwahahahahaha!

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true.

Interview With US Skier Lindsey Vonn

This interview was conducted shortly before Lindsey Vonn revealed that she was suffering from depression and also before she took a 3-week break from training and competition.

A Boston BlickBild Exclusive Interview

The Boston BlickBild was given the right to an exclusive interview with US skiing star Lindsey “Voldemorta” Vonn. Here is the entire interview, which we know will interest our readers:

BB: We are honored that you have graced us with your presence and consented to this interview.

LV: Of course you’re honored. Everyone is honored to be in my presence.

BB: Right. How could I forget this? Tell our readers why you have the nickname “Voldemorta.”

LV: Lord Voldemort was the most powerful wizard in the Harry Potter series. Since I’m the most powerful skier on the World Cup circuit, and play a lot of mind games with my opposition, I am just like Lord Voldemort. None of the other ladies on the World Cup can match my power.

BB: I see. You also have the nickname of “Speed Queen” because of your dominance in speed events. How does it feel to have the same name as a washing machine?

LV: Speed Queen is a washing machine? That firm can’t use the name “Speed Queen” because it’s MY nickname. I deserved that name because I win so many speed races, which are the only real races. Slaloms and giant slaloms are for wimps. Does a washing machine win races? I don’t think so. After this interview I’m going to hire a legal team to get that firm to change the name of its washing machines.

BB: But the Speed Queen firm has been in business for many years before you were born. Why should it change its name?

LV: Because it’s my wish and I always get what I want. When the Speed Queen president finds out who wants him to change the name, he will happily do it.

BB: Okay. At the 2010 Olympics you were favored to win all 5 gold medals, but only came away with one gold and one bronze medal. You failed to finish 3 races. Tell our readers about your Olympic experience.

LV: I would have won the gold in the Super-G race, but the Austrians conspired against me from the beginning. Andrea Fischbacher’s coach set the course for that race. He came out and said that he wanted to “Vonn-proof” the course.  Andrea won the gold medal. Doesn’t that seem like an Austrian conspiracy to you when the Austrian gold medalist’s coach sets the course?  It does to me.

BB: Tell our readers why you brought your downhill race gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony, when you won a bronze medal in that race.

LV: I wanted to show Andrea Fischbacher and the rest of the Austrians that I’m still a gold medalist despite their conspiring against me. And I also wanted to show Andrea that I’m really better than her. Who has won more races since the 2010 Olympics, Andrea or me? I think you know the answer.

BB: Don’t we all. You had a running feud with teammate Julia Mancuso at the 2010 Olympics. Can you explain what started it?

LV: That’s easy. Julia started wanting attention and she tried to upstage me. I was the top dog on the team and she was challenging my authority. But I put her back in her place. Now that she knows her place, we are friends. But if she starts getting uppity again, she won’t be my friend anymore.

BB: Speaking of friends, Maria Hoefl-Riesch was your best friend until two seasons ago. What caused the falling out between you and Maria?

LV: Maria had the nerve to be better than me that season. Who would deliberately cause her best friend to lose the World Cup overall globe by only 3 points? I could have won 4 overall titles in a row if it wasn’t for Maria. How could I possibly be friends with someone who treats her best friend that way? If she treats her good friends this way, I can’t imagine how she would treat her enemies. I thought that Maria would have been sympathetic and let me have her globe, but she didn’t. I will never forgive her for that. She will never be my friend again because she doesn’t know her place. Look at her this season. She is ahead of me in the overall standings so far. I’m going to make a voodoo doll of her and stick pins in it so that she has pains in her legs and can’t beat me. Of course her pains won’t be as bad as the ones that I am feeling in my belly.

BB: You referred to the cancellation of the final giant slalom race in Lenzerheide in 2011 as a “catastrophe.” In light of the devastating earthquake, tsunami, and threat of nuclear meltdown in Japan which killed tens of thousands, couldn’t you have chosen a better word? What happened in Japan was a catastrophe. What happened in Lenzerheide was a disappointment.

LV: You are wrong. What happened in Lenzerheide was a major catastrophe. The Japanese are used to earthquakes, tsunamis, and volcanic eruptions so the earthquake really wasn’t a catastrophe.  But I am not used to losing anything, especially the World Cup overall globe. It was a very painful experience for me. I still don’t think that I am completely over it. Let’s change the subject because I’m too devastated to talk about it.

BB: Your goals for this season are to win all 5 globes and to tie or break Hermann Maier’s record of 2000 points. You came up short by 20 points last season, but you’re determined to try for it again this season. Please explain how you plan to win all 5 globes and get 2000 points when you missed 2 slalom races, you had poor results in GS, and you failed to finish a combined race.

LV: That’s very easy. I have endured a lot of pain over the past year. First I got divorced. You can’t imagine how that felt. I’m still lonely and looking for a new man in my life because I never realized that a divorce could feel so bad. Then I had tax problems because I trusted the wrong people to do them for me. Never mind that they did my taxes for the previous 10 years and never had a mistake. Now I have had bad tummy aches, which are making me weak. The other ladies will feel sorry for me and donate their points to me so that I get 2000. If I fail to win a discipline globe on my own, the winner will give her globe to me as a tribute to my pain and suffering.

BB: Have you found a new man in your life?

LV: Not yet. I want a man with the following qualifications: He must be athletic, intelligent, sensitive, accepting of being in the background while I bask in the spotlight, and light must flash off of his teeth when he smiles. I can’t imagine that finding a man with all of those qualifications could be so hard. You’d think they would all be flocking to me, but they’re not. I have to resort to teaching Roger Federer’s little brats, I mean daughters, how to ski. What a chore!

BB: Going back to getting 2000 points this season. How will you feel if Tina Maze ends up being the first female skier to break 2000 points instead of you?

LV (shrieking): That will never happen!!!!!  Never!!!  Never!!! Never!!!!!!!!!  That horrid witch Tina Maze needs to go back to Slovenia, or Slovakia, or whatever little European country she’s from. All of those little European countries are alike. I hope she dies alone, preferably in a swamp where she can sink into the quicksand. How dare she be better than me this season!

BB: This is a good time to bring up the incident in St. Moritz where you supposedly said, “Fuck you, Maze!” when you crossed the finish line of the Super G and saw that you beat her. Did you really say such a thing?

LV: Those who are my friends know I would never say such a thing. Here is the real story. My cousin, Chuck U. Mozday, is dying of cancer. But I have still suffered more than Cousin Chuck, even with his three rounds of chemotherapy. Anyway, one of Chuck’s dying wishes was for me to shout out his name when I crossed the finish line of a race that I won. I shouted out, “Chuck U. Mozday!” Anyone who speaks English can hear the difference between “Fuck you, Maze” and “Chuck U. Mozday.” Why don’t those Slovenians learn to speak better English?

BB: There was some controversy over the course setting for the GS in Ofterschwang last season. The US coach set the course very straight, more like a Super-G, due to instructions from your personal coach. What is your opinion?

LV: First of all, nobody complained at the Olympics when Andrea Fischbacher won a gold medal after her coach set the course. But of course my coach should have an influence on how the course was set. He must follow my wishes or he will be fired. Anyway, my goal last season was to win the giant slalom globe. But that little upstart Viktoria Rebensburg obviously never got the word that the GS globe was supposed to be mine. My coach and I had to do something to stop her. Even with that course setting, Viktoria ended up winning the race and getting the globe.

BB: So I assume that Viktoria is not your friend?

LV: That’s right! Viktoria will never be my friend because she took something that was rightfully mine. May she be covered in chocolate sauce and then set down in a colony of hungry fire ants!

BB: You are on track to break Annemarie Moser-Proell’s record of 62 wins this season. Did you ever think that you would ever achieve such a feat?

LV: Of course I knew I would break Annemarie’s record. It is my destiny to be the best ever. After I break Annemarie’s record, then I’m going to stay on until I break Ingemar Stenmark’s record of 86 wins. Records are very important to me because they are my legacy. In fact, the only things I have in my life are my trophies, my globes, and my records. Without them, I am nothing. All of my records are what keep me warm at night because I can’t get a man and I’m so lonely. If you know a good man, please send him my way.

BB: How would you feel if someone like ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin broke all of your records?

At 17 she already has two World Cup podiums.

LV: Mikaela will never break my records. I will have a hit man shoot her in the kneecaps if she starts getting close to my records. She will never take my legacy away from me.

BB: You were off of skis for 10 days this season due to illness and said that it was such a long time. What would you say to skiers like Dani Albrecht, Hans Grugger, Beat Feuz, Chemmy Alcott, Benni Raich, Suzanne Riesch, and others who had more severe injuries than a belly ache? They were obviously off of skis for more than 10 days.

LV: First of all, the pain of those people you mentioned doesn’t compare to mine. Did you ever have a tummy ache? They can be very painful. In fact, this tummy ache I had caused the worst pain I ever had in my life. It was a 25 on a scale of 1 to 10. I bet that those skiers you mentioned didn’t have such severe pain from their injuries.

BB: One more thing before we conclude this interview. You expressed the desire to compete against men in Lake Louise because of your strong performances there. But the FIS said that you could either be a forerunner for a men’s race there or do a fun race that’s scheduled for December 2013. Are you still seeking legal action against the FIS?

LV: First of all, the place in Canada is called, “Lake Lindsey” and not Lake Louise. And you bet that I’m taking legal action against the FIS.  I can’t believe that the FIS won’t bend to my wishes. It has always been my desire to compete against men because I beat boys in ski races when I was 8 years old. I know that I can be competitive against them as long as I choose the venue and have my coach set the course. The people at the FIS are sexist and behind the times. A fun race or forerunning is not good enough for me. It must be a real race against real men in their prime. And I will beat the pants off of them! I will sue the FIS for the mental pain and suffering that I am going through because those big poopy-heads won’t let me do what I want. They will quickly learn that whatever I want I get. I am also planning to sue the FIS for mental anguish caused by them cancelling the last race in Lenzerheide in 2011. It was so unfair that they cancelled the Super-G, which is my best event. Then they cancelled the final giant slalom after Maria, may she rot in Hell, pulled ahead of me by 3 points after the slalom. It was obviously an FIS conspiracy to prevent me from winning 4 globes in a row. Just thinking about it gives me a tummy ache. I will also take legal action against the FIS for two more things. The first is the schedule. There are more technical races than speed ones. It should be the other way around so that I’m guaranteed to win the overall globe. The other suit involves the timing of the races. I had to do 3 races in Lake Lindsey, then 3 in St. Moritz. Then there will be 3 more in France followed by two in Are. Doesn’t the FIS realize that I am a sick woman and need to rest to regain my strength between races? The FIS will pay dearly for everything it has done to me!

BB: Thank you for your time and for your insights into the world of Alpine ski racing. You have a very unique perspective and we were honored that you took the time for this interview.

LV: Of course you were honored. An interview with me is the biggest honor of all, except for winning another overall globe and setting more records.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that nobody else dares to print.