CAS Decides Olympic Artistry Case

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Court for Arbitration in Sport (CAS) has finally ruled on the German Ski Federation's (DSV) protest over ski racer Stefan Luitz's bronze medal for artistic impression in Sochi. Switzerland also protested, saying that 4th place Didier Defago deserved a medal. In Sochi Austrian skier Max Franz won the gold medal, Norwegian racer Alexander Aamodt Kilde earned silver, and Luitz was awarded the bronze (see this story). Normally CAS cases are quickly resolved, but this one took over 5 months. One of our intrepid reporters scored a journalistic coup and was able to speak with one of the judges after the decision was made. Because this judge rules on cases in various sports, he does not want to have his identity revealed and asked to be called Frank. Let's find out what Frank has to say.

BB: Did the Germans and Swiss win their protest?
Frank: The German and Swiss protests each had two parts. Germany protested about Luitz receiving bronze when the DSV felt that he should have earned the gold medal. Switzerland was protesting Defago's 4th place finish. The Swiss felt that he should have earned a medal. Both Germany and Switzerland contended that there was collusion between the Austrian head judges and the other judges in the  men's giant slalom and super-combined events (see this story).
BB: So what was the outcome?
Frank: After a long review of the evidence, the CAS decided to award the gold medal for artistry to Stefan Luitz. Alexander Aamodt Kilde would keep his silver medal, and Didier Defago would get the bronze medal.
BB: What about Max Franz? He did some beautiful one ski work and his performance seemed to be medal-worthy. He achieved a flying camel position on one ski, which showed originality and grace (see this video).
Frank: It was a tough call. But Max's hand touched the ground, which is the equivalent of a fall. If he didn't touch the ground, he could have easily won the gold medal. But he was evidently not given the full deduction for a fall when his hand touched the ground.
BB: I see. Is this one of the reasons why Germany and Switzerland protested the original result?
Frank: Yes. In fact, it turned out that the draw for head judges for the Olympic events was rigged so that an Austrian would draw multiple events. The odds were over in in 10,000 for Austria to have head judges in two Olympic events, yet it happened. We found out that the Austrian Ski Federation (OeSV) did everything in its power to ensure that Austria won the most medals in Sochi. The Austrians were embarassed at the Vancouver Olympics and also at the last World Championships because the USA won more gold medals than they did. At the last moment they emptied the box with the names of potential head judges and replaced the papers with the names of Austrians.
BB: How did they do that? I thought that the box was heavily guarded.
Frank: The guards were Russian soldiers. A delegation from Austria gave the soldiers some bottles of vodka to thank them for their guard duty. After a few shots of vodka, the guards easily gave up the box.
BB: How did you figure this out?
Frank: The CAS has ways of getting confessions. We don't need Mafia hit men or voodoo doctors because we have our own methods, which shall remain secret. Not even your reporters are intrepid enough to figure out how we get people to confess their wrongdoings.
BB: Nobody is as intrepid as our reporters! We have the most intrepid reporters in the business! Given enough time, we would find a way to gain access to your secrets. (short pause) In addition to stuffing the box with the names of Austrian judges, what other cheating was going on? We have heard rumours of judges being threatened with voodoo curses and Mafia enforcers. Are they true?
Frank: Unfortunately, they are just rumours. But suffice it to say that money changed hands in exchange for giving Austrian ski racers higher artistry scores and skiers from other countries lower ones.
BB: Was Max Franz being stripped of his medal a punishment for the sins of his federation?
Frank: The CAS is neutral and we looked at all of the evidence before making the decision to strip Max Franz of his medal. If we decided to punish the athletes for their federation's wrongdoing, we would have stripped all of the Austrian ski racers of their medals. But the real reason Max Franz was stripped of his medal was because the proper deductions for his slip were not taken. Even with his artistry bonus, it was not enough for a medal. He should have finished in 4th place because of his execution deductions, which outweighed the artistry and originality bonuses.
BB: I understand. Normally the CAS decides cases and protests very quickly. But it took almost 6 months to come to a decision and change the order of medal winners. Why did it take so long?
Frank: It was the Austrians' fault.
BB: Because they stuffed the box for the head judge draw? That seems a bit far fetched.
Frank: We must look at all of the evidence before making our decisions. The Austrians posted the video of Max Franz for all to see. But there are no videos on YouTube of Luitz, Defago, or Kilde in their disputed Olympic races. It seems that the Austrians decided to prevent those videos from being posted. It took a long time to find videos of the Olympic races so that we could review them.
BB: Are you saying that Austria tried to block your investigation?
Frank: It certainly looks that way. They obviously did not want public opinion to be swayed by having all of the videos easily available for anyone to view. But it made our job at the CAS more difficult.
BB: Do you have proof that Austria conspired to keep the videos of Defago, Luitz, and Kilde from public view?
Frank: We don't have any direct evidence, but it is very suspicious that only Max Franz's performance is available for all to see.
BB: Is that the only reason it took so long to arrive at your decision?
Frank: No. In order to be fair to all of the racers involved, the CAS judges who ruled on this case also had to memorize the FIS's Big Book of Rules and learn all about execution and artistry points and deductions (see this story). In addition, we took the same course that an FIS artistry judge would take and even took the judging exam. If the FIS needs new artistry judges for ski races, we are certified for that job.
BB: Will the OeSV be penalized for its wrongdoing in Sochi?
Frank: Oh yes! For the 2014/15 season Austria will not be allowed to have any judges on artistry panels. This includes regular judges and head judges. Austria will also be forbidden from having any artistry judges at the Vail World Championships.
BB: Will any of the other judges from Sochi be punished?
Frank: They will be on probationary status. If they allow themselves to be influenced by head judges in any future competitions, they will be permanently suspended. We decided to be lenient with them because it turns out they were forced to accept the money under duress from the Austrian head judges to ensure a gold medal for Max Franz. They were threatened with the loss of their jobs and families if they didn't take the money.
BB: Will Austria have a curse on it this season like Sweden had last season?
Frank: No. Austria did not kidnap an opposing team's witch doctor like Sweden did in Schladming. We thought about having a witch doctor put a curse on Austria, but their ski racers are so strong they can easily defeat any curse that comes their way. The other racers had nothing to do with Max Franz getting a gold medal, so they should not be punished.
BB: We shall see what happens during the regular season and at the World Championships. Hopefully the judges from the other countries will be neutral and do their jobs properly. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Frank, I want to thank you for this interview. It was very enlightening. Maybe we will even see you as an artistry judge in the future. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 



The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: If our reporters don't do their jobs, we give them the full deduction for lack of intrepidness.

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Freedonia Ski Federation Officials Suspended

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Four Slovenian officials were suspended after it was disclosed that they falsified race results so that Thai violinist Vanessa Mae could qualify for the 2014 Olympics. In addition to being in races with non-existent competitors, Vanessa Mae also competed in a junior championship race at age 35. This is old news that the others have already reported. What the others have not reported is that the International Ski Federation (FIS) is widening its investigation and has found some curious results for the men who qualified for the Freedonian Olympic ski team, including Red Bull/HEAD Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli (see this story).  As a result, the whole Freedonian Ski Federation has been suspended. Our contact at the FIS, Bob, is working on this matter but he had some time to talk to one of our intrepid reporters. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: It looks like the FIS has finally given you some real work to do. How did you get involved in this investigation?
Bob: I got lucky. One of the original investigators needed a heart procedure and was ordered to rest for two to three months. At the time the investigation started, I didn't have much work to do, so I was asked to join the team. I must say, our team of investigators is as intrepid as your researchers.
BB: Let's not go that far. Nobody is as intrepid as the Blickbild's reporters and research team. Your team may come close, but it will never equal ours! (short pause) The ski world knows about the four Slovenian officials being suspended due to falsifying results so that Vanessa Mae could qualify for the Olympics. What made the FIS decide to expand its investigation?
Bob: We found some irregularities with the team from Freedonia.
BB: Was it the same situation as in Slovenia, where non-existent racers got results?
Bob:  All of the competitors in the races that the Freedonians submitted for Olympic qualification were real as were their placements. That was not the main issue with Team Freedonia that was a red flag for us.
BB: Then what set off alarm bells at the FIS?
Bob: The races that the men competed in. For example, Vinnie Razzovelli won his first race. That was quite remarkable for someone who had just learned how to ski. Then we saw that he competed in his ski school's beginner class race. He placed first in the adult male division. He also competed in other novice races and had placed well in all of them.
BB: When I interviewed him last winter, he said that he did very well in all of his races and was easily able to earn the required 140 points to qualify for the Olympics.
Bob: He did quite well in his races, especially for a beginner. Others on the Freedonian team also competed in races that were part of company outings or other local novice races. Yet they somehow earned FIS points for competing in those races.
BB: They also managed to earn 140 points and a place on the Freedonian Olympic team.
Bob: They did, but not in the same way that racers from countries like Ethiopia or Fiji qualified. For example, Giovanni "The Hammer" Maggio, another Freedonian Olympian, has a son named Fabrizio who is a promising young ski racer. It turned out that Fabrizio competed under his father's name until he earned 140 points.  He is 12 years old and only supposed to compete in U14 races. But somehow young Fabrizio was in adult races competing as Giovanni. Either that or Giovanni is a very small adult. Lorenzo "The Razor" Dinova, the Freedonian flag bearer, competed in the Albanian junior ski championships even though he is 37 years old. I guess he figured that if Fabrizio Maggio could compete in adult races, he could participate in junior ones.
BB: Wasn't anyone at the FIS suspicious because none of the Freedonian racers competed in World, Europa, or Nor-Am Cup races?
Bob: Not really. A lot of the novelty racers at the Olympics don't compete at the World, Europa, or Nor-Am Cup levels. They do enough FIS races to get their points and qualify for the Olympics.
BB: So how did the Freedonians slip through the cracks?
Bob: There are a lot of amateur racers who try to qualify for the Olympics. It is hard to keep track of every one. We have a lot of FIS races. Even with our computers, it is hard to keep track of who participated in real FIS races and who didn't. We also have a lot of points to calculate. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is also at fault because it wants as many countries as possible to compete at the Olympics.
BB: I see. How will this investigation affect amateur ski racers who want to compete in the Vail World Championships or the next Olympics?
Bob: We will keep better track of the types of races that athletes are competing in to qualify. Only athletes who compete in real FIS races will be eligible to earn Olympic qualification points. No more ski school or company outing races will be used to earn FIS points.
BB: The situation with the Freedonian team was different than Vanessa Mae's because she actually got to compete. None of the Freedonian racers actually competed in the Olympic ski races because the Russians thought that they were part of the security detail. They were immediately put to work in security, though Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli worked with a biathlon team and got to ski and carry a gun. 
Bob: That is true. But we still need to let Freedonia know that if its racers want to be in the Olympics, they need to qualify the proper way.
BB: I know that the FIS is all about following rules. That is why racers get disqualified when their skis are 0.000000001 millimeter too long or wide.
Bob: That's right. While safety is very important to us at the FIS, following the rules to the letter is also a big priority for us.
BB: One more thing. Do you or any of your colleagues at the FIS realize that Freedonia is not a real country? It is a fictional nation from the 1933 movie Duck Soup. 
Bob: That can't be!  We are getting applications from ski racers from The Shire, Narnia, and Westeros for next February's World Championships. Are you going to tell me that they are also not real countries?
BB: They are all fictional places. Don't you or your colleagues ever read or look at a world map?
Bob: We are very busy at the FIS coming up with new rules for the athletes and different ways to confuse the fans. Of course we are also doing our best to boost our TV ratings, which are very important to us. Safety is very important to the FIS, but so are TV ratings. In other words, we have no time to read or look at maps.
BB: I realize that you want more countries participating in the World Championships, and the IOC wants more countries at the Olympics, but they should probably be real ones. How can the FIS suspend officials from a country that does not exist except in an old Marx Brothers movie?
Bob: We have to punish someone for letting the Freedonians qualify for the Olympics. After all, the FIS cannot admit to having a flawed qualification procedure because we are always right.
BB: Be careful because you don't want to wake up to a horse's head in your bed one morning. The Freedonian Olympic team was solely composed of Mafia enforcers. You don't want to anger them if you treasure your kneecaps. 
Bob: It looks like we need to find a way to figure out which countries are real and which ones aren't before the next World Championships. Or else we will end up with another Freedonia situation.
BB: Good luck with that. Hopefully we will only see athletes from real countries at the World Championships next February. Well it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for taking the time to give us another interesting interview. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All of our reporters and researchers come from real countries except for the one from the land of Oz. 

   

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

Dr. Mabongo Wins Witch Doctor of the Year Award

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 

Dr. Mabongo, the German Women's Ski Team's witch doctor, won the prestigious Dave Seville* Award for Witch Doctor of the Year. He was presented with his award at a ceremony at Concordia University** in Montreal, Canada. Almost immediately after receiving his award, Facebook and Twitter erupted with posts criticizing Dr. Mabongo's award. Most people felt that he only won the award as a consolation prize for recently retired German superstar ski racer Maria Hoefl-Riesch placing second in the overall World Cup standings and getting injured during the first race of finals. Our intrepid research team analyzed all five nominees and we will present their findings. Let's find out what they have to say. The nominees are presented in alphabetical order.

1. Nana Kwaku Bonsam (Ghana): Dr. Bonsam was the witch doctor who put a curse on Portuguese football (soccer) player Christiano Ronaldo. Before the recent football World Cup, Ronaldo had a recurring injury, which Dr. Bonsam claimed to have caused. Cursing Ronaldo was basically cursing the whole Portuguese team. Because of Dr. Bonsam's curse, Portugal did not make it past the group stage of the World Cup and Ronaldo did not play up to his usual standard. On the minus side, the curse agains Portugal did not help Ghana in the World Cup. Ghana also did not make it out of the group stage. Dr. Bonsam has been hired by HEAD and will work with ski racers who use HEAD equipment.

2. Dr. Patrice Frederick Djibuku (Congo): Dr. Djibuku is the French Men's Ski Team's witch doctor. He was also nominated for the Dave Seville Award last year after his last minute heroics resulted in French ski racer Gauthier de Tessieres winning a silver medal at the World Championships. This past season Dr. Djibuku was also a favorite for the Dave Seville Award. French star Alexis Pinturault was third in both the World Cup overall and giant slalom standings and won a bronze medal at the Sochi Olympics. In addition, he tied for the most points in the super-combined standings. Pinturault's teammate Steve Missillier won a silver medal in Sochi. Pinturault won his first speed race, the World Cup finals Super-G, and teammate Thomas Mermillod-Blondin was second in that race. Dr. Djibuku also started the season in great form, with 9 men qualifying for the second run in the season opener in Soelden. However, the French men were not consistent last season, which worked against Dr. Djibuku.

3. Bela Guttmann (Hungary): Mr. Guttmann, who died in 1981, is our only posthumous nominee. Even though he was not a real witch doctor, his 100-year curse is a life's dream for every witch doctor today. Guttmann was a former football player and coach. As a trainer he led his teams to three Portuguese league titles and also won the European Cup with Benfica for two years in a row. After winning his second European Cup title in 1962, Guttmann asked for a pay raise and was turned down. He resigned and put a curse on Benfica, saying, "Not in a hundred years from now will Benfica ever be European champion." Benfica has been in 8 European football finals since 1962 and has lost all of them, the most recent being last May's Europa League final, when Benfica lost to Sevilla on penalties. After 52 years, Guttman's curse is still going strong and even prayers at his grave have failed to lift it.

4. Ante Kostelic (Croatia): Mr. Kostelic is the Croatian national ski team trainer and, like Bela Guttmann, is not a real witch doctor. But many athletes who race on his slalom courses claim that they are bewitched. At the Sochi Olympics Kostelic set the slalom course in the men's super-combined race and the second run of the men's slalom. A large percentage of the athletes in both of those races failed to finish on Kostelic's slalom courses. Kostelic tied for a bronze medal in Sochi for best witch doctor because of his course settings that vexed even the best slalom specialists. Slovak ski racer Adam Zampa was the master of Kostelic's courses in Sochi and tied for the witch doctoring bronze medal. However, it was later revealed that Zampa has no special witch doctoring powers that gave him the advantage. He trains with Ante and his son Ivica.

5. Robert David Louis Mabongo (Congo): Dr. Mabongo is the German Women's Ski Team witch doctor, though he will be working with the men this coming season. Using his potions, Maria Hoefl-Riesch won the downhill globe and was second in the overall standings. Hoefl-Riesch also won a gold and a silver medal in Sochi and was the only ski racer, male or female, to defend a gold medal from 2010. In addition, she finished in the top 5 in three other disciplines in the World Cup: slalom (5th), Super-G (5th), and super-combined (3rd). Her teammate Viktoria Rebensburg won a bronze medal in Sochi. But there are some strikes against Dr. Mabongo, which is why he has been criticized for winning the Dave Seville Award. First of all, Rebensburg was ill with a lung infection for much of the season. It turned out that her illness was caused by a curse from an opposing witch doctor that Dr. Mabongo was unable to counteract. Maria Hoefl-Riesch also got injured at World Cup finals, which forced her to withdraw after winning the downhill globe. The biggest criticism of Dr. Mabongo was that he was supposed to have put a curse on Sweden as a punishment for kidnapping him during last year's World Championships. However, Swedish skiers won two races last season, which led many to believe that Dr. Mabongo's powers are fading.

So dear readers, which one of the five nominees do you think deserved the Dave Seville Award?

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.
 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters always win awards for being intrepid.

 

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

 

* Dave Seville was the singer of the hit song "Witch Doctor" with Alvin and the Chipmunks

 

** Home of Canada's famous witch doctoring program.



HEAD Plans World (Cup) Domination

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

It seems like almost every ski racer in the World Cup is switching to HEAD skis. Now it seems that HEAD is not only trying to get all of the World Cup racers to switch to its equipment, it is now adding more witch doctors to its roster. While national ski teams are struggling with visa restrictions, HEAD seems to attract and sign the world's top witch doctors. Is obtaining a top witch doctor part of a larger and more sinister plan? One of our intrepid researchers worked undercover at HEAD to learn its plans for total domination of the World Cup. What he found was shocking and surprising to say the least. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: How long were you working undercover at HEAD?
Researcher: Close to two years.
BB: What did you do there?
Researcher: I would rather not say. Between all of the Mafia hit men and witch doctors on HEAD's payroll, I would be a dead man if the wrong people found out that I was an investigative researcher for the Blickbild. I can't be very intrepid if I am dead.
BB: That is true. We are part of the most intrepid research and reporting team in the business. (short pause) Some big name skiers have switched to HEAD in the off-season, notably Alexis Pinturault and Elena Curtoni. What is it about HEAD that is making so many ski racers switch? Is is just the money?
Researcher: Money is of course one factor. But every ski firm can offer the athletes good money. HEAD has extras that the others can't offer, like personal witch doctors.
BB: Many of the ski teams already have witch doctors. 
Researcher: Yes, but the athletes have to share the witch doctors with their teammates. If a ski racer switches to HEAD, he or she can have his or her own personal witch doctor. It is part of HEAD's service package.
BB: Wait a minute! The Congo has stopped issuing witch doctor visas for ski teams. How is HEAD getting around the visa embargo?
Researcher: HEAD has a research team whose job is to find other countries with witch doctors and convince them to issue visas. Of course HEAD's researchers are not as intrepid as the Blickbild's.
BB: Of course they aren't. What other countries are supplying HEAD with witch doctors?
Researcher: Ghana is one of the main ones. In fact, HEAD just signed the top witch doctor in Ghana, Nana Kwaku Bonsam. He was the witch doctor who put a curse on Portuguese football player Cristiano Ronaldo. (see this article) There are also other African countries like Malawi, Niger, the Gambia, and Burkina Faso with a lot of witch doctors. Some Pacific Island countries also have witch doctors.
BB: How did HEAD get Nana Kwaku Bonsam away from Ghana? I'm sure that he must be a national hero after putting a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo. 
Researcher: He is a hero because Portugal did not make it out of the group stages in the football World Cup, plus his curse caused Ronaldo's injuries this past season. But evidently he could not find all of the supplies that he needs for his potions in Ghana. Part of the deal with HEAD is that HEAD will supply Dr. Bonsam with everything he needs so that he can work his magic.
BB: Nana Kwaku Bonsam is obviously a hot commodity. Weren't ski teams bidding to have him? Imagine how powerful a ski team would be with the top witch doctor in Ghana!
Researcher: That is true. Some teams were bidding to get Dr. Bonsam, but HEAD made the best offer.
BB: I see. If each skier who races with HEAD skis gets his or her own witch doctor, who will be assigned to Dr. Bonsam? 
Researcher: I would imagine one of HEAD's top World Cup Rebels like Lindsey Vonn or Aksel Lund Svindal. We will have to find out when racing season starts.
BB: Has HEAD been bidding for Germany's Dr. Mabongo or France's Dr. Djibuku?
Researcher: Yes. So far both are holding out for staying with their national teams. But HEAD will get them one day. It's only a matter of time.
BB: About the name World Cup Rebels....wouldn't World Cup Sheep or World Cup Lemmings be a better name for ski racers who switch to HEAD? 
Researcher: Those would be much better names. If the majority of racers is using HEAD skis, they are no longer rebels. The real rebels are those who refuse to join the HEAD team. In fact, HEAD is not only planning World Cup domination, it is planning total world domination.
BB: Hold on here! It's an awfully big jump from having most of the athletes in the World Cup using your products to taking over the whole world. 
Researcher: As they say, Rome was not build in a day. First HEAD dominated the market for tennis equipment. Now it wants to be the only firm to supply skis and boots for World Cup ski racers. When that phase is completed, then HEAD will keep moving on until the only products for sale anywhere will be made by them. There will even be HEAD brand diapers for babies to get them started early.
BB: That sounds like the old East Bloc, where everyone in Poland used Ludwik laundry soap or drank Sovyetskoyoe Shampanskoye. 
Researcher: Exactly. Just like in the old Soviet Bloc, there will be only one brand of everything, and that brand will be HEAD.
BB: How will HEAD get the money to fund its world takeover? It is very expensive to drive away competition and become the dominant, and eventually only, brand on the market.
Researcher: As everyone knows, HEAD has quite a few Mafia enforcers on its payroll. Ski racers not only can have a private witch doctor, they can also have a personal Mafia hit man when they are part of the HEAD team. There is no better way to eliminate the competition than the combination of Mafia persuasion and a witch doctor's curse. Anyway, the Mafia hit men need a place to launder their money. What better place than a well-known sporting goods firm?
BB: They really have it all planned out. How do you know all about HEAD's plans for total world domination?
Researcher: Let's just say that I had access to various papers, reports, and memos when I worked for HEAD.
BB: Is there a target date for HEAD dominating the world?
Researcher: Just like the old Soviet Union, HEAD has multi-year plans and goals to fulfill them. It will be a step-by-step process that should go unnoticed by the general public until it is too late to stop them. Even the Blickbild will cease to exist, replaced by the HEAD Times.
BB: Hopefully the Blickbild will be the last thing that gets taken over. In the meantime, I want to thank you for this enlightening interview. You have shown our readers why we have the most intrepid journalism team in the business. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Nobody can replace the Blickbild.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild. 

Sarah Schleper Returns to Racing, Will Compete for Mexico

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Former US ski team member Sarah Schleper de Gaxiola has come out of retirement and will compete for Mexico starting this season. We would normally avoid this story like we would a portable toilet that hasn't been cleaned in a year because it is old news that the others have already reported. But, as usual, we have our own unique perspective on this story. One of our intrepid reporters was granted an interview with Sarah. Let's find out what she has to say.

BB: Sarah, it's nice to see you back on the World Cup circuit again. Please tell our readers why you decided to start competing again.
Schleper:YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
BB: I think that my eardrums just exploded. Do you always do your famous war cry before interviews?
Schleper: I don't just do it before races. It's also a pre-interview standard and helps clear my mind for whatever questions may come my way.
BB: Has a start house ever come down because your war cry is the same as its resonant frequency?
Schleper: Not yet. But what a great idea! I never thought of that before and will have to try that next season. You really are creative.
BB: We Blickbild reporters are not only intrepid, we are creative too. (short pause) What made you decide to come back to World Cup racing at age 35?
Schleper: I always loved ski racing and felt like I still have what it takes to compete in the World Cup. I will be competing as a giant slalom specialist.
BB: Don't you think that you are rather old to be coming back?
Schleper: Didier Cuche had great results in his late 30s and Patrik Jaerbyn was world class in his 40s. My newest teammate, Hubertus von Hohenlohe, is 55. There was a woman who recently finished the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon at age 91. So no, I am not too old to race.
BB: Touche! You just mentioned your teammate Hubertus von Hohenlohe because you will be competing for Mexico and not the USA.
Schleper: That's right. I have dual US-Mexican citizenship because my husband is Mexican. The International Ski Federation (FIS) gave me approval to compete for Mexico. There was no more room on the US ski team, though I'll be seeing my former teammates at races. The Mexican Ski Team has now doubled in size with me being on it.
BB: Hubertus wore a mariachi speed suit in the Sochi Olympics which won a gold medal for best racing suit. Will you also wear a mariachi race suit?
Schleper: I'll wear whatever the Mexican Ski Federation gives me. If it's a mariachi suit like Hubertus' that is what I'll wear.
BB: You are currently looking for support and sponsors. Once you get your team together, will you also have a witch doctor?
Schleper: A witch doctor?
BB: In the time since you retired, many ski teams now have witch doctors. It is almost becoming a requirement to have one.
Schleper: I don't think so. But I will look into getting one if it is required.
BB: Larisa Yurkiw's team didn't have a witch doctor and she had some great results last season, so it is still possible to do well without one. Moving onto a new topic, will your husband and kids accompany you to races?
Schleper: Yes. They have supported me in my return to racing and it is a real boost to have them around.
BB: Will your husband hold Lasse and Resi up for the TV cameras like Bode Miller's wife does with his kids?
Schleper: Uh...no. They are his kids and he doesn't have to prove anything by holding them up so that they can be on TV.
BB: Good point. You are competing under the name Schleper and not your married name of de Gaxiola. Can you tell us why?
Schleper: I wanted to compete under my married name but the FIS said that I couldn't. The FIS said it would be too confusing for the fans. They also would not let me compete with the double barreled name Schleper de Gaxiola.
BB: You can blame it all on Regina Sterz and Sarka Strachova. After Regina got married and changed her name, nobody knew who she was. Even her trainers and teammates didn't recognize her name. Sarka changed her name because TV commentators would have had too hard a time saying, "Sarka Strachova-Zahrobska." At least she gave fans a 6-month warning instead of suddenly springing a name change on the fans like Regina did. The FIS is trying to do its part to prevent fans from being confused about who the racers are.
Schleper: I see. I guess I can understand the FIS's logic.
BB: You plan to compete at the Vail World Championships in February and keep on racing all the way until the 2018 Olympics. Is that correct?
Schleper: Yes it is. I feel like I have one more Olympics in me. I would like to win medals, but if I don't I can still show everyone what an older athlete who is a mother can do. I can be a world class athlete and a mother at the same time.
BB: Indeed. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for this interview. On behalf of my colleagues at the Blickbild, I wish you a successful comeback.
Schleper: Thank you.
BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

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New Proposal for Slalom Races

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our friends at the International Ski Federation (FIS) never rest when it comes to thinking of new ideas for changing classic ski racing disciplines. The latest proposal is to increase the number of runs in a slalom race. We tried to interview Bob, our usual contact at the FIS, about this proposal, but he actually had real work to do. But we scored a journalistic coup by convincing Austrian Ski Federation (OeSV) president Peter Schroecksnadel to speak with us. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Two seasons ago Austria tried to take back Germany's Fritz Dopfer in exchange for cake and ice cream, but he stayed with Germany (see this story). After last season ended Felix Neureuther, another German racer, announced that he was going to ski for Austria but later told everyone that it was an April Fool's Day joke. Why does Austria seem to have a problem acquiring or keeping German racers?
Schroecksnadel: First of all, it was not just cake and ice cream. It was Sachertorte and ice cream from the shop on the Schwedenplatz in Vienna. There is a big difference. Secondly, how could the OeSV possibly have known that the Germans don't like coffee flavored ice cream? That was the real deal killer. But in our Austrian hearts, we all know that Fritz is one of us. Felix never intended to ski for Austria, as he would have been ineligible. He was trying to play a mean trick on us. We won't forget his antics when racing season starts.
BB: Speaking of racing season, it sounds like the FIS's latest proposal is to increase the number of runs in a slalom race. Tell our readers about it.
Schroecksnadel: The original proposal was just to leave slalom races with two runs. That is how they have always been. But TV ratings for slalom races have been declining, even with our superstar Marcel Hirscher and the US prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin. TV ratings are as important to the FIS as safety.
BB: We are aware of the importance of TV ratings. But that can't be the only reason for the change.
Schroecksnadel: It isn't. The other reason was that fans felt ripped off only seeing two slalom runs. If they are spending the money on a ski racing ticket, they want to buy an all-day experience. With that in mind, the FIS decided to increase the number of runs in a slalom race.
BB: How many runs would a slalom race have if the FIS's proposal passes?
Schroecksnadel: Six.
BB: Six?!?
Schroecksnadel: Yes, six. It's the number between five and seven.
BB: Wouldn't that be awfully tiring for the athletes and the spectators?
Schroecksnadel: No. The FIS originally proposed three runs, but they decided if three was good then six must be better.
BB: How will a slalom race with six runs work?
Schroecksnadel: The original proposal with three runs was that everyone would race in the first run. The top 30 would compete in the second run, just like they do now. For the third run the top 15 from the second run would go on to the third.
BB: One of the things that makes slalom racing so exciting is seeing athletes who are 27th after the first run have a great second run and end up finishing in the top 10. We would lose that with half of the racers being eliminated in the second run. 
Schroecksnadel: It will still be very exciting. Let me explain how the 4th to 6th runs will work, and you will agree that slalom races will take on a new dimension. Run 3 has 15 skiers. After the times are tallied, the top 8 go on to the 4th run. The fastest four athletes after the 4th run will make it into the 5th. Then the 6th run will have the top two from the fifth. It will be so thrilling for the spectators, both live and on TV.
BB: Speaking of watching a six run slalom race on TV, how long will that take? In the winter there are other sports like biathlon, ski jumping, and curling on TV. Will longer slalom races take away from the other winter sports?
Schroecksnadel: The other winter sports don't count. Anyway, a six run slalom race will take up just a little bit more time than a traditional two run race. Instead of three hours between the start of the first and second runs, the next run will start within 15 minutes of the previous one ending. The athletes will have plenty of time to finish their run and take the lift up to the start.
BB: How will the points work?
Schroecksnadel: Just like now, the top 30 will earn points. The number of points for each position will remain the same.
BB: I see. What about course setters? Each race will require six course setters. If you are only allowing 15 minutes between runs, how can the courses be set fairly?
Schroecksnadel: The FIS is working on that issue. Right now the proposal is to have two parallel courses on the same hill. While the racers are competing in the first run, the course setters are on the other side of the course setting up the second run.
BB: If there is such a short time between runs, how can there be a proper course inspection? Has anyone asked the athletes how they feel about competing on a course without a prior inspection?
Schroecksnadel: Of course nobody asked the athletes. According to my friends at the FIS, they never like any of its proposals. Therefore, the FIS never asks for their input anymore. Who wants to be around a group of Negative Nancys? Anyway, the athletes in the World Cup are professional racers who should be used to any course. If they can't ski a course without inspecting it first, maybe they should not be in the World Cup.
BB: Whoa! That's an awfully strong statement. I thought that safety was a priority of the FIS.
Schroecksnadel: Of course it is! But TV ratings and creating excitement for the fans outweigh little things like course inspections, which take up time and make fans want to change the TV channel to curling. Fans at a live race would leave because they got bored waiting for the athletes to inspect the course.
BB: I see. Back to the course setters...Will there really be six per race?
Schroecksnadel: That is one possibility. The other is to have three setting alternate courses or even one who sets every course. The number of course setters has not yet been decided. We may even keep the same course for all six runs. The possibilities for figuring out how course setting will work are endless!
BB: Do you think that so many slalom runs would swing the pendulum back to having a speed specialist win the overall globe? After all, with six runs, there are six times more chances for a DNF than in a speed race. 
Schroecksnadel: Technical races always had a higher chance of DNFs than speed races. Yet the past four overall globe winners have been technical specialists.
BB: But the racers who make the fifth and sixth runs will be very tired and practically burned out. That may make it hard for a technical specialist to win the overall globe if he is worn out before the season is half over.
Schroecksnadel: That is why physical conditioning and endurance are so important for ski racers. The top skiers in a City Event do more than two runs and they survive the experience.
BB: Assuming this proposal for six run slalom races becomes reality, when would it begin?
Schroecksnadel: The FIS is thinking about starting in Levi this November with a three run slalom. If that is successful, then the slalom races after Levi will have six runs. The FIS was originally thinking about having seven runs, where the winner of the 6th run would be the only racer in the seventh. Think of it as a victory lap. But that was voted down.
BB: If the proposal for a six run slalom does indeed go through, the fans will be in for a rather interesting season. 
Schroecksnadel: That is what the FIS hopes for. The fans want excitement and don't want to see the same things over and over again. TV ratings for ski racing will soar!
BB: Let's see what happens. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Herr Shroecksnadel, I want to thank you for taking the time to speak with us. A six run slalom will definitely be different. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: If two of our intrepid reporters cover a story, that is good. But if six cover the same story, that is too much of a good thing.

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New World Cup Racing Category Starting in 2014/15

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

  Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst recently won the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. I bet some of our more observant readers are thinking, "Hey, wait a minute! What does Conchita have to do with World Cup Alpine ski racing?" Our less observant readers are just waiting to see where this ends up. It turns out that Conchita got the powers that be at the International Ski Federation (FIS) thinking about what would happen if a World Cup racer was a drag queen. Would he/she compete in men's races or in women's? Here to talk with one of our intrepid reporters is our friend Bob from the FIS. Bob is back from his holiday and is always willing to talk to us. Let's find out what Bob has to say.

BB: How was your holiday?

Bob: It was great and too short.

BB: Holidays are always too short. (short pause)  Please tell our readers about this new racing category.

Bob: It is a special category for anyone who feels that he or she does not fit into racing in either men's or women's races.

BB: So there will be races for men, women, and others?

Bob: That is correct.

BB: Was Conchita the reason for this rule?

Bob: Not really. But her victory in the Eurovision Song Contest gave the FIS the kick in the pants to get it enacted. It has been in the works for almost two years.

BB: Really? Tell our readers how it originated.

Bob: As you recall, two seasons ago Lindsey Vonn requested to race against men. She was turned down by the FIS. The FIS ruled that only men could compete in men's races and women in women's.

BB: But the FIS made an exception for the Swiss men to compete in women's races. (see this story)
Bob: We did. But the Swiss men did so poorly two seasons ago we had no choice but to relegate them to skiing in women's races. Last season we changed our minds and let them ski in men's races because it was a lose-lose situation for them to compete against women. If they beat the women by large margins, then they would be viewed as macho gorillas who beat up on poor, defenseless women. But if they got beaten by women, they would have been the laughingstock of the ski world. It was then that we realized that we needed a third category of races. Women who wanted to ski against men and vice versa could all compete together.
BB: I see. So if Lindsey Vonn decides that she wants to race against men sometime in the future, she would race in this division, where there would be both men and women.
Bob: That is correct. She would fulfill her dream of racing against men, and the men who barely qualified to the World Cup would have the chance to feel good about themselves by beating women.
BB: What about Marcel Hirscher and his dog Whitey? As you recall, Whitey is female. (see this story)
Bob: Whitey was not a racer, she was a guide dog. She fulfilled the same function as a two-legged guide for a blind ski racer. Since Marcel had his eye surgery, he does not use Whitey anymore. But even if Marcel still had Whitey, he would compete in men's races.
BB: But a drag queen like Conchita would compete in the third category?
Bob: Yes, as long as she is dressed like Conchita. As you know, Conchita is really a man named Thomas Neuwirth. As Thomas he would compete in men's races, assuming he was good enough to be in the World Cup. But if he showed up as Conchita, then she would be in the third category.
BB: What about a woman who dresses like a man, for example a female Elvis impersonator?
Bob: It would be the same situation as Conchita. If the woman wore her regular clothing, then she would be in women's races. But when she is dressed as Elvis, she would be in Category Three. Extremely butch lesbians and very effeminate gay men could also compete in the third category.
BB: Would a racer who changes gender also ski in the "other" category?
Bob: Yes. It would take away having to enforce whether a person is a genetic male or female. The FIS would no longer have to conduct panty or chromosome checks to determine if a racer is really a man or a woman.
BB: Where would these races be held? 
Bob: They would be in the same venues as regular World Cup races. There would be three sets of races instead of two every weekend.
BB: And places where men and women compete in the same place on the same weekend, like Soelden and Levi, would have three races instead of two?
Bob: That's right. Three reindeer would be given away in Levi instead of two.
BB: So there would be three sets of World Cup crystal globes?
Bob: Right again.
BB: Would there also be three sets of medals at the World Championships and the Olympics?
Bob: At the World Championships there would be. The International Olympic Committee would have to decide about the Olympics.
BB: Would people really watch races from the third category on TV? The idea of a drag queen or female Elvis impersonator racing would have a certain novelty at first. But it would wear off quickly. 
Bob:  I think you are wrong. The Eurovision judges loved Conchita, as did the audience. Someone like her competing in a World Cup ski race would be a boost for us. Also, the thought of Lindsey Vonn being able to compete against men in this category would give World Cup ski racing huge TV ratings. Safety is our number one priority at the FIS. But big TV ratings are also important to us.
BB: Where would the FIS get the money to have a separate race circuit plus extra competition and training days at finals? Putting on a race is not cheap.
Bob: We would use some of the TV money that we get. There are also other possibilities like raising ticket prices by one or two euros, paying the racers slightly less for victories, or even having a bake sale to raise funds.
BB: I see. Will there be three categories of racers at lower levels, like the Europa or Nor-Am cups?
Bob: Not yet. But if the third category of racing turns out to be as popular as we think it will be, then we may expand it to the lower competitive levels.
BB: I guess we'll have to wait until the season starts to judge the success of the other category of racers. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Bob, I want to thank you for another enlightening interview. You were very interesting, as always. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 
  

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We have three categories of reporters: intrepid, even more intrepid, and most intrepid of all. 

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