Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Boston Blickbild's Olympic Medals

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The real medals for the ten Alpine skiing races have been given out in Sochi. The others have done feature articles about the medalists, their spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends, pets, kindergarten teachers, and former friends. We have our own medals that we are giving out to very deserving racers that the others didn't dare to. Here are our Olympic medals. Let's find out what they are.

Most Knee Surgeries Among the Medalists:
Gold: Ivica Kostelic (Croatia)
Silver: Dominique Gisin (Switzerland)
Bronze: Jan Hudec (Canada)
Useless Trivia: Ivica has had 11 knee operations, Dominique 9, and Jan 7. Dominique has been described as having porcelain knees, while Hudec seems to be held together with chewing gum and bailing wire between his knees and back problems.

Most Noticeable Speed Suit:
Gold: Mexico
Silver: Finland
Bronze: Argentina
Useless Trivia: Hubertus von Hohenlohe's mariachi speed suit is a classic that will be remembered for many generations. Finland's suit looked like it was designed by someone trying to paint a blue and white zebra while taking hallucinogenic drugs. Argentina's polka-dotted suit was also very easy to spot.

Most Accomplished Musicians:
Gold: Laurenne Ross (USA)
Silver: Vanessa Mae (Thailand)
Bronze: Andre Myhrer (Sweden)
Useless Trivia: This was close, but Laurenne gets the gold because she plays more instruments than Vanessa. She plays the piano, cello, and guitar. Vanessa Mae plays the violin, but she is well-known and her music has been used for gymnastics floor routines and ice skating programs. Andre is a guitar player who performs at local clubs during world championships.

Best Quotes:
Gold: Ilka Stuhec (Slovenia)
Silver: Maria Hoefl-Reisch (Germany)
Bronze:  Kjetil Jansrud (Norway)
Useless Trivia: After her 10th place finish in the downhill, Ilka thanked the knee that she injured earlier this season and apologized to it for mistreating it over the past three weeks. Maria thought it was cool to get a silver medal in the Super-G because she never won one before. In addition to thanking his family, friends, trainers, therapists, and the Academy, Kjetil also gave thanks to the reindeer and salmon who gave their lives so he could eat ojlmsfjaegger.

Best Podium Celebration at Flower Ceremony:
Gold: Christof Innerhofer (Italy)
Silver: Tina Maze (Slovenia) and Dominique Gisin (Switzerland)
Bronze: Maria Hoefl-Riesch (Germany)
Useless Trivia: If you want to split hairs, there really should not be a bronze medalist. But since Tina and Dominique were co-gold medalists, they celebrated on the podium as one. Christof gets the gold for his headstand to somersault on the podium after winning the bronze medal in the super-combined race. He grew up in the Suedtirol, but wanted to be a gymnast and admired former Italian rings specialist Yuri Chechi. However, Christof had to stop doing gymnastics for two reasons: 1) he became too tall, and 2) his first name was not Russian enough. Tina and Dominique held hands as they mounted the top step of the podium after tying for gold in the dowhnill. Maria blew lots of kisses to the crowd after winning silver in the Super-G.

Most Tears:
Gold: Bode Miller (USA)
Silver: Kathrin Zettel (Austria)
Bronze: Nadia Fanchini (Italy)
Useless Trivia: Bode may not have won gold in an actual race in Sochi, but he wins this one by a landslide. After tying for 3rd in the Super-G, he could not stop crying. The others have reported that Bode is now in California, but he is really in Kazakhstan. US, Russian, and Kazakh officials thought it would be a wonderful goodwill gesture for Bode to use his tears to help replenish the water in the Aral Sea, which has been shrinking over the past 30 years. As of this report, he is still crying and the water level in the Aral Sea is slowly increasing. Kathrin Zettel had her share of tears after winning bronze in the women's slalom. She was ill with a sinus infection and was also thinking of her grandmother, who recently died. Fanchini, unfortunately, did not have tears of joy. After being in medal position after the first run of the giant slalom, she ended up in 4th place.

Best Artistry:
Gold: Max Franz (Austria)
Silver: Alexander Aamodt Kilde (Norway)
Bronze: Stefan Luitz (Germany)
Useless Trivia: Max Franz put his training as a figure skater (see this story)  to good use in the slalom part of the super-combined race with his one-ski work and spin move. He earned 12.6 points out a possible 10 from the judges. He earned 9.6 for technical merit and execution and a special 3 point bonus for artistic impression. Alexander is a limbo dancer in the off-season, which he says is great for improving his flexibility as a ski racer. He tried doing one of his limbo moves under a gate in the downhill race, but he was disqualified anyway. His score was 9.2. Stefan had a heartbreaking straddle of the last gate in the giant slalom race. It looked like he was trying to copy Alexander's move but backed out at the last second. He crossed the finish line leaning forward on one ski. His score was 8.7 because he was given a bonus for trying an original move to cover a beginner's mistake.

Best Witch Doctor:
Gold: Dr. Mabongo (Germany)
Silver: Grandma Jansrud (Norway)
Bronze: Ante Kostelic (Croatia) and Adam Zampa (Slovakia)
Useless Trivia: Dr. Mabongo is the clear winner. The German women had one gold medal, one silver, and one bronze. Maria Hoefl-Riesch was the only ski racer to defend a gold medal from 2010. Maria was also second in the Super-G. Viktoria Rebensburg earned bronze in the giant slalom with the fastest 2nd run. In addition, Dr. Mabongo's curse over Sweden was effective in Sochi. Sweden did not win a single Alpine skiing medal. Even though Grandma Jansrud is not really a witch doctor, her homemade ojlmsfjaegger helped power Kjetil Jansrud to a gold and a bronze medal. Norwegian wunderkind Henrik Kristoffersen also had some of Grandma Jansrud's ojlmsfjaegger before the second run of the slalom race and powered his way down the tricky Ante Kostelic course to earn a bronze medal. Ante Kostelic is also not a witch doctor, though many said that the courses that he set up are cursed because they are very tricky and require real strategy to finish them well. Kostelic has generated controversy with his course setting in Sochi, with trainers and athletes on other teams accusing him of being a witch doctor. Adam Zampa ties for the bronze with Kostelic because other racers believe that he must have some sort of magical powers, or be a witch doctor himself,  to have the best run on Kostelic's courses not once, but twice, in Sochi.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive report.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Unfortunately, there were no medals for most artistic witch doctor.

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