Monday, April 8, 2013

Is Tiger Woods Cheating on Lindsey Vonn?

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The tabloid press has been buzzing with rumors that Tiger Woods has already been cheating on his new girlfriend, US skier Lindsey Vonn. The others have reported that Tiger cannot let go of his ex-wife Elin and that Lindsey was his number two choice. But our intrepid research team found out that there is a lot of cheating going on. It extends beyond the triangle of Tiger, Elin, and Lindsey to a lot more people. As usual, the Blickbild has its unique perspective on the romance and cheating between Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn. Here to talk with the Blickbild is Lindsey Vonn's physical therapist. Because he does not want people to know his true identity, we are calling him Patrick. 

BB: Patrick, how do you know that Tiger is cheating on Lindsey? They just announced that they are in love. It seems awfully quick for him to already be cheating on her.
Patrick: It appears that Tiger never got over losing Elin. When Tiger and Lindsey were at Tiger's daughter's t-ball game, Tiger made Lindsey sit in the car instead of watch the game. Tiger watched the game with Elin. Lindsey practically had a nervous breakdown over it. I seriously thought that she was going to kill herself and asked her family to be on suicide watch.
BB: But Lindsey had to know that Tiger will always have a connection with Elin because they have kids together.
Patrick: She understood that. But she didn't realize that Tiger was still in love with Elin when they first got together.
BB: Did Lindsey tell you that Tiger was still in love with Elin?
Patrick: Yes. We spend a lot of time every day doing physical therapy and talk to each other. She treats me like one of her girlfriends and confides in me. 
BB: In one of our previous stories, Lindsey confessed that Tiger was her backup choice because Roger Federer was unavailable. Could it also be possible that Lindsey is Tiger's backup choice because he can't have Elin?
Patrick: That is very possible. Both Lindsey and Elin are tall and blonde. They look almost like they could be sisters. Tiger likes tall blondes and Lindsey seemed to be a good substitute for Elin.
BB: When did Lindsey figure out that Tiger was still in love with Elin?
Patrick: It had nothing to do with sitting in the car during the t-ball game, as most people think. The real moment of clarity came when Lindsey and Tiger finished making love and he accidentally called her Elin. She was totally devastated by that and refused to leave her bed to go to the gym. I had to go to her house to do her therapy. But she was too depressed to get out of bed, so we did our therapy in bed.
BB: In other words, you had sex with her?
Patrick: It was the only thing that would console her. She was almost as devastated as when she lost the World Cup overall globe by 3 points. I felt it was my job to make her feel better so she would be motivated to get back to the gym to continue her therapy.
BB: How does Lindsey feel about Tiger regaining his number one ranking just after she was dethroned by Tina Maze?
Patrick: That also contributed to her current depression. First Tiger cheated on Lindsey with Elin, then he became number one in his sport. It was too much for her to bear. She is supposed to be the best and not be overshadowed by her boyfriend's accomplishments.
BB: You are married, aren't you?
Patrick: Yes.
BB: Does you wife know that you cheated on her?
Patrick: It wasn't really cheating, it was therapy. I was easing Lindsey's depression by making her feel wanted. First she got turned down by Roger Federer because he's married and faithful to his wife. Then she turned to Tiger, who cheated on her. I'm being paid to do whatever it takes to heal Lindsey and get her ready for the Olympics in Sochi.
BB: So far we have Tiger cheating on Lindsey with his ex-wife, then Lindsey cheating on Tiger with you as revenge for his cheating, then you cheated on your wife with Lindsey. 
Patrick: It turns out that my wife is also having an affair. She and one of her colleagues have been carrying on an office romance for the past six months. I just found out about it. So Lindsey and I actually consoled each other.  But remember, what happens in Lindsey's bed stays there.
BB: Our intrepid researchers found out that your wife is not the only woman that her colleague is having an affair with. He is having affairs with five other women besides your wife. But none of the women know about each other. This man is engaged to be married, but his fiancee doesn't know about his six women on the side. 
Patrick: I know who his fiancee is and she is not faithful either. She is having an affair with her auto mechanic and just found out that she's pregnant with his baby.
BB: I feel like I'm in the middle of a Mexican soap opera with all of these affairs! I suppose that the mechanic is married and his wife is having an affair.
Patrick: You are good!
BB: Of course I'm good. The Blickbild only hires the most intrepid reporters. 
Patrick: Yes, his wife is having an affair with another woman.
BB: And I suppose that the lesbian lover is also having an affair with someone besides the mechanic's wife?
Patrick: No, she is actually faithful. She is hoping that her lover will leave the mechanic and come to her. But so far the mechanic's wife likes having both her husband and a woman on the side.
BB: At least the mechanic's wife doesn't need to worry about her lesbian lover getting her pregnant. (slight pause) OK, let's see if I have this straight...Tiger is cheating on Lindsey with Elin, Lindsey is cheating on Tiger with you, you're cheating on your wife with Lindsey, your wife is cheating on you with a work colleague, the work colleague is cheating on his fiancee with a total of six women, the fiancee is cheating on him with her auto mechanic and is pregnant with his baby, and the mechanic's wife is cheating on him with her lesbian lover. 
Patrick: That sounds correct.
BB: So the lesbian lover broke the chain of cheating?
Patrick: No. The lesbian lover's brother is a sports writer for a major newspaper. He used to cover curling, but he got promoted to being the golf reporter a few years ago.
BB: And as the golf reporter, he got close to Tiger. Am I right?
Patrick: Yes you are. He got to know both Tiger and Elin because of his travels with the pro golf tour. When Tiger was cheating on Elin during their marriage, the brother was right there to help Elin.
BB: He had an affair with Elin?
Patrick: Not at first. He was the one who gave her the idea to hit Tiger with a golf club. It was only after that didn't work that they started having an affair. He was married when he started covering golf. After he started his affair with Elin, he found out that his wife was one of the women who Tiger was having sex with. They got divorced. He and Elin are still together. They have been faithful to each other up until now.
BB: Tiger and Elin got divorced because of his cheating. Now that they are divorced, they are cheating on their partners with each other. Oh the ironies of life! So where does this leave Lindsey?
Patrick: She now has the choice of beating up Tiger with either her crutches or ski poles. I would go with crutches because they are heavier. It would give her a better weight workout and she needs to work on her upper body strength.
BB: Who knows what will happen. But if Tiger's history with Elin is an indicator, he and Lindsey have a better chance of having a hot romance after they break up. Patrick, I want to thank you for talking with us. 
Patrick: It has been an honor to be interviewed by the Blickbild. None of the others have talked to me.
BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters are faithful to their partners and would never cheat on them.

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