Thursday, October 27, 2016

Soelden Report

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The season officially opened last weekend. The others have already reported about Lara Gut and Alexis Pinturault's commanding victories. As usual, we will report on something different. If you want a conventional race report, read Ski Racing magazine or other publications about ski racing. One of our intrepid reporters met up with former fashion students Trent Dillon and Roger (pronounced Ro-zhay) Niedermeyer in Soelden. We first met Trent and Roger at the Vail World Championships (see this story). Let's find out what they have to say...

BB: Trent and Roger, it is good to see you again. How did you enjoy the races?
Trent: We especially enjoyed the men's race. Three scrumptious guys on the podium!
Roger: I'll second Trent's opinion, and add that fourth place Zan Kranjec is also cute.
BB: I see that you two are in Europe. Are you--
Roger: Yes, we are gay. A lot of people don't realize, it, but we are.
BB: That's hard to believe. People would have to be pretty unperceptive not to realize that you are gay.
Trent: I know, right? I guess we somehow do a good job appearing straight.
BB: Anyway, I wanted to ask you why you are in Soelden for the races. 
Trent: We graduated from fashion design school last year and are now working in Europe designing ski racing suits. It is our dream come true!
BB: Really? Who are you working for?
Trent: We got hired by a real ski team to design its racing suits for the St. Moritz World Championships and the 2018 Olympics.
BB: Congratulations! Which team hired you?
Roger: Freedonia.
BB: You do realize that Freedonia is a fictional country?
Roger: But they have a real ski team and they pay very well.
BB: I would hope so. Team Freedonia is a team of Mafia hit men. 
Roger: So that's why they wanted pinstriped racing suits.
BB: Let's talk about Soelden. I know that you saw the men's race. What about the women's?
Trent and Roger (together): Booooorrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg!
BB: Really? Lara Gut won by a huge margin and showed that she means business this season. Marta Bassino also earned her first podium place. Petra Vlhova was 8th place with start number 55 and had the best second run. How could you think the race was boring?
Trent: Let's talk about Marta's suit. What were the Italians thinking with dark grey? There were no color accents on the Italian suits. They are into a robotic look with those suits. If they are going to be robots, they should be blue because they are the Azzuri, not the Grigios.
Roger: They are too simple. A little dash of color would really make them look better. Petra Vlhova had a white suit with a splash of red and blue and it made for a simple, yet classy, look.
Trent: Dark grey is so blah! If Marta wore black, she would have felt tougher and may have even won the race. When you look tough, you perform tough!
BB: I think that Lara was unbeatable in Soelden. Nobody could have touched her there.
Roger: Ewwww! Who would want to touch her?
BB: I did not mean that literally. 
Roger: Oh thank goodness for that! Anyway, who would want to touch her in that suit?
BB: What is wrong with the Swiss speed suits?
Roger: You have to ask? The old look of red, white, and blue was fine. The suits were not too busy nor too plain. But that grey! What were the designers thinking about adding grey?
Trent: It looks like she rolled around in campfire ashes and the Swiss laundry detergent she used didn't work very well to remove them.
BB: I see.  And what about Mikaela Shiffrin's suit?
Roger: Oh my god! Pink! Who came up with that one? She looked like someone vomited Pepto Bismol all over her suit.
Trent: She might have won the race if she wasn't wearing pink. She is supposed to be a tough athlete and not a wilting flower. Pink is for sissies.
BB: Lindsey Vonn won a lot of races with a pink and white suit.
Roger: Lindsey needs pink to look feminine while being a great athlete because she is bigger than the other girls. But most women don't need pink to look like girls. If Mikaela wore black, she would have looked very intimidating and won the race.
BB: I don't know about that. Lara showed that her overall title last year was no fluke. Now on to the men's race. What did you like most about the men's race?
Trent and Roger (together): The racers!
Trent: The podium could not have been any better, except if Aksel Lund Svindal was on it.
BB: Aksel is not gay.
Trent: It's true that the good ones are either married or straight.
BB: Do you have any issues with the men's suits?
Roger: Who can resist an athlete in a tight suit? Not me!
Trent: Or me!
Roger: Marcel Hirscher really should lose the beard though. He looks much better without it.
BB: So the women's suits were bad but the men's were okay?
Trent: Not really. Let's start with Alexis Pinturault. He was also in dark grey. The French went from suits with crazy patterns to dark grey this season. You couldn't tell the French from the Italians because their suits looked alike.
BB: It seems like grey is the in color in racing suits this season. We all know that the French and Italians are fashion trend setters. 
Trent: Grey is so depressing! I'm surprised that Alexis and his teammates made it into the second run with those suits. I get depressed just looking at them. I could not imagine having to wear one.
BB: Alexis continued his hot streak in GS from last season and showed that he is a serious candidate for the overall globe. 
Trent: He certainly is hot!
BB: And straight.
Trent: It figures.
Roger: Who was the genius who came up with Austria's suits? The only thing I can say about them is that they are not grey. That pattern of turquoise and black is hard on the eyes! I'm surprised that Marcel could even see where he was going. If I wore that suit, I would have been blinded!
BB: They do match the turquoise or black jackets that the Austrian team wears.
Roger: And what is with those colors? Whatever happened to the Austrian national colors of red and white?
Trent: At least the suits match the jackets. Red and white suits would clash big time with the jackets and pants!
BB: It looks like the new trend is for teams not to put their national colors on their racing suits. The Italians and French are in grey, the US is in pink, and the Austrians are in turquoise and black. The one thing that has stayed the same over the years is the German suit.
Trent: Some things never change and I do like the snakeskin look on the arms of Felix Neureuther's suit.
Roger: Now that is an interesting look. Zebra stripes on the bottom and a snakeskin look on top. When you look like a wild animal, you feel like one and perform like one. That is how he got onto the podium.
BB: It was his first podium finish in Soelden. 
Trent: Felix is always on my podium!
BB: I hate to tell you this, but Felix is straight. But he has a big gay following.
Trent: Well of course he does! He's cute and nice too. No sane man can resist him.
BB: Do you have anything to say about the other racers?
Roger: At least Finland has a better suit this year. The Finns don't look like they graduated Magna Cum Laude from Clown College anymore.
Trent: I don't have anything to add.
BB: That's good because....well, it looks like we are out of time. Trent and Roger, thank you for another fascinating interview. You gave our readers a different perspective on the races in Soelden. Good luck with your designing career and maybe we will see your designs in St. Moritz and Pyeongchang. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We wear normal clothing at work. No weird patterns, plain grey, or clashing colors for us!

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Saturday, October 8, 2016

Book Review

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Lindsey Vonn's book was just released and she is currently touring the USA to promote it. The others have written about her book, so we would normally avoid this subject like we would sulfur fumes. But people are buying her book, so we have no choice but to do a review with our unique spin. Unfortunately, Lindsey was not available because of her book tour calendar. But one of our intrepid reporters got the second best person to interview--Lindey's sister Laura Kildow, who is also an aspiring writer. Let's find out what she has to say.

BB: It looks like Lindsey's book is going to be a success. However, we noticed that you were not the ghost writer of her book.
Kildow: You are the first person to notice and mention that.
BB: Our reporters are not only intrepid, they are incredibly observant.
Kildow: I can see that. Hey, I am observant too.
BB: So you are. You have a goal to be a writer, yet your sister did not let you ghost write her book. Tell our readers how you feel about that.
Kildow: I'm glad that someone noticed. I would have thought that Lindsey would have made her book a family affair. After all, I wrote a nice blog that she shared on her Facebook page. I'm good enough to write a blog but not good enough to ghost write my sister's book. Is that what she thinks? If she thinks that I will share anymore of my blog posts with her, she is wrong!
BB: I can understand why you feel that way. Your blog post about the hospital in Schladming where Lindsey went after her injury at the World Championships still makes me want to avoid Austrian hospitals. And your descriptions of driving in Europe would scare anyone who never drove there before. 
Kildow: That is so kind of you to notice. You seem to be a sensitive person.
BB: Yes we Blickbild reporters are not only intrepid and observant, we are also sensitive. Onto the book itself. What did you think of it?
Kildow: Even though I did not ghost write it, I read it anyway. It was very good and any young woman reading it will no longer be ashamed of her body. Our bodies are all beautiful, especially when we eat right and exercise. We can become powerful and strong but still be beautiful. That is the message that Lindsey is trying to give girls and young women.
BB: Are you sure we read the same book? From what I read, she tells girls and women that they should not feel self-conscious about their bodies and should feel good about themselves. 
Kildow: That is true.
BB: But on the other hand, she is giving her target audience mixed messages. First she tells them to feel good about themselves, no matter how they look. But she has quite a few photos of herself wearing very little clothing. Someone reading the book will see Lindsey and feel even worse about herself because she knows she could never look like her. It's like a little girl playing with a Barbie doll and realizing that she will never have a body like Barbie's. 
Kildow: Did you really read the book?
BB: OK, I confess.  I only read an excerpt from it, which happened to contain quite a few photos of a scantily-clad Lindsey. Are you sure that girls are the target audience and not teenage boys and middle-aged perverts?
Kildow: Yes. Why would teenage boys and old men want to buy a book that talks about empowering women? You'd think that they would avoid something to help women become stronger and more beautiful.
BB: You would think so, but I'm just saying that a lot of men will buy Lindsey's book and not for the fitness tips. 
Kildow: You really think so?
BB: Yes. We Blickbild reporters are intrepid, observant, sensitive, and psychic.
Kildow: Now I understand why I was never hired by the Blickbild. I don't have all of those qualities. Being a good writer is not enough for you. Maybe I should give up writing and look for a different career.
BB: Let's move onto one more topic. Lindsey gave a recent interview in which she said that skiers and snowboarders should have their separate ski areas. What do you think of that?
Kildow: I think it's a good idea. Snowboarders sit in the middle of the run and block everyone else. They also put big ruts in the ski runs. Lindsey has a good point about keeping them separate.
BB: When was the last time that Lindsey skied on a public slope with everyone else? World Cup racers train early in the morning before the ski hill opens. The runs that they train on are also closed to the general public. 
Kildow: But it is still a good idea to keep them separate.
BB: I'm going to take your argument further. Let's suppose that you have a married couple where the husband is a boarder and the wife is a skier. Are you proposing that they must go on separate holidays?
Kildow: They would have to if there are certain resorts for skiers and others just for snowboarders. Maybe they should have realized that they would have to go to separate places before they got married. They should not wait until after the wedding to find out that they can't take vacations together.
BB: Ooooh, that is harsh! What about parents who are boarders but have young children who ski? The kids are too young to be alone on a different mountain than their parent.
Kildow: Maybe their kids should have become boarders. You really have to think about those issues
before having children.
BB: I think I found your perfect career--marriage and family counselor. (short pause) What about a person who both skis and boards?
Kildow: You mean like that Czech lady?
BB: Ester Ledecka. OK, imagine that Ester Ledecka is out with her friends and brings both skis and a snowboard. She wants to take a few ski runs and then switch to her snowboard. Would she have to ski, drive to a different hill, board, drive back to the first hill, ski, drive back to the second hill, board, and keep repeating this process all day?
Kildow: That sounds like a big hassle. But maybe she should pick one sport and stick with it.
BB: Let's take this even further. We have skiers and snowboarders separated from each other. Would you or Lindsey really want to be responsible for families being torn apart because they love different snow sports and can't participate in them in the same location?
Kildow: They are making the choice of sports. It is not my fault, or Lindsey's, if families are torn apart because some members like to ski and others like to snowboard.
BB: What about separating skiers by religion or nationality? Should the Catholic skiers have a separate hill from the Jewish, Protestant, or Buddhist ones? 
Kildow: I think you are taking this too far.
BB: I don't think so. First it starts out separating skiers and snowboarders. Next everyone is  separated by skin color, nationality, religion, color of their ski clothes, and whether they wear one-piece suits or separate pants and jacket. In five years everyone will have his or her own private ski or boarding mountain because we don't want those with green jackets mixing with those in black jackets. 
Kildow: Do you really think all that could happen from separating skiers and snowboarders?
BB: Oh yes. Maybe not in the next five years, but I can see it happening in our lifetimes. Now how do you feel about separating skiers and snowboarders?
Kildow: Maybe it is not such a good idea after all.
BB: Now you see the light. Everyone should all get along. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for another interesting chat. Maybe one day your powers of observation will help land you a job with us or as a family counselor.  And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters are not trustworthy, loyal, helpful,  friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent because they are not Boy Scouts. But they are intrepid, observant, sensitive, and have psychic powers.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.