Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Lindsey Vonn Recruited by Spy Agencies

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US superstar ski racer Lindsey Vonn went undercover working at the Vail ski ticket office. Nobody recognized her, despite her weak disguise of a baseball cap and eyeglasses. (To see the video click here) We would normally not go anywhere near this story because the others have already reported it, plus it is several weeks old. But there is a new twist to this story that the others have not reported. Several US and foreign intelligence agents watched the video of Vonn selling ski passes and took note of how nobody could figure out who she was despite the heavy hints. The CIA, Mossad, MI6, and the Russian Federal Security Service (FSS, formerly known as the KGB) have all expressed interest in recruiting Vonn to work for them as a spy. One of our intrepid reporters had a chance to sit down with representatives from those four agencies. They wish to remain anonymous and will be referred to by their agency names. Let's find out what they have to say.

BB: Why would you try and recruit a famous ski racer who has celebrity status in her home country?
CIA: We must have watched a different video. Despite being on talk shows and even having a role on the program "Law and Order," nobody knew who she was when she was selling ski tickets.
MI6: One of our agents traveled all over the States and showed random people photos of Lindsey. Only one person came close to recognizing her and he thought that she was Tiger Woods' ex-wife.
Mossad: Even with her distinctive voice and limited disguise, people did not recognize her. She looks like any other tall blonde. That makes her the perfect agent.
BB: This question is for the FSS and Mossad. Why would you recruit somebody who does not speak Russian or Hebrew? How would you give her instructions?
FSS: We need agents in the States and all of our Russian agents speak English. She is ideal because she is a US native and we won't have to spend money on training her how to speak and act like an American. Nobody would ever suspect her of being an FSS agent.
Mossad: All of our agents are fluent English speakers, so she and her handlers would be able to understand each other. Just like the FSS and MI6, we need agents in the States who are not easily recognized. The great thing about her not being recognized by her fellow Americans is that any espionage agency who ends up recruiting her will save a lot of money on disguises. We can go to the dollar store and get a hat and a pair of nose glasses for her.
BB: This is for the CIA. Most of your spies are sent overseas. Lindsey speaks some German, but she is not totally fluent. She definitely does not sound like a native speaker. Don't your agents have to be fluent in the language of a country where they're stationed?
CIA: That would be ideal. Because Lindsey can speak some German, we can send her to Germany, Austria, or Switzerland. We can work with her lack of fluency by giving her the cover of an American tourist in Europe. Nobody would suspect a thing. Her knowledge of German, Austrian, French, Italian, and Swiss ski areas would be an asset that could make up for the lack of German fluency.
BB: How would you convince Lindsey to join your agencies and become a spy?
MI6: She craves attention. We would tell her that she will be acting in a movie and the role would make her even more famous than James Bond.
Mossad: We would give her access to the physical therapists that the Mossad uses. She would be ready to make her big comeback in Soelden instead of Lake Louise next season. With her love for skiing records, she would not be able to resist coming back sooner rather than later.
CIA: We would pay the other ski racers in the World Cup to be her friend. In fact, we have already started with Julia Mancuso. Lindsey wants nothing more than to be liked and admired by others.
BB: Are you saying that Julia Mancuso works for the CIA?
CIA: You did not hear that from me.
FSS: We have the best enticement. The FSS will give her special commemorative Olympic gold medals to make up for the ones that she could not earn in Sochi due to her injury.
BB: It's great that all of you are interested in recruiting Lindsey as a spy and you have some excellent offers that would be hard to resist. She would have a good cover as an American tourist, but who exactly would she be spying on? Her knee is bad, so she is unfit to join the military to get its secrets. She is a ski racer and not a scientist, so she can't exactly steal nuclear secrets.
CIA: One thing we are looking at is spying on the Austrian ski trainers and trying to find more who need to leave Austria because they have criminal charges hanging over them. Once Lindsey gets back into racing, she would hang out with the Austrian racers and get information about their trainers. We have ways of getting criminal backgrounds erased. Then the US Ski Team will be able to steal Austria's best trainers and we will win every World Cup ski race!
BB: There is a big problem with that plan. None of the Austrian ski racers like her. If you had an intrepid research team like ours, you would have known that.
CIA: That is why our offer is so great. We have the money to pay the Austrian racers to interact with her and pretend to be her friend. We both get something we want: friendship in exchange for information.
Mossad: We could get her a job working in the Red Bull gym near Salzburg, Austria that produces a lot of superhuman rehabbers.  She can spy on the athletes and trainers there and learn the secrets of the world's fastest and most superhuman rehabbers.
MI6: We could get her to marry an American soldier, who is really one of our agents. She and the other Army wives would then exchange gossip and hopefully some secrets. Some of the Army wives will also be our agents.
BB: That sounds good except for one thing. Last year she stated that she would never ever get married again. (see this story). How will you convince her to marry a soldier when she won't even marry her long-time boyfriend?
MI6: Oh dear, we will have to rethink that one now.
FSS: We would keep her working at the ski ticket counter until the season ends. She would do exactly what she did in the video to see how many people recognize her. We will send her to do the rounds of talk shows, news programs, and red carpet events on her days off. As she works at the ticket counter, she will write down the number of times that people recognize her. We will use her to help educate our agents on what it takes to be known in America. Then we will use that information to take over America in our quest to achieve total world domination.
BB: Did you just say that your goal is to achieve total world domination?
FSS: Yes, you understood me correctly. Lindsey would be our perfect instrument for helping us reach our goal. First Ukraine, then the rest of the world!
BB: My last question is the one that the whole ski world has been asking. Was her supervisor at the ski ticket window really one of your agents who was really assessing her spy potential?
CIA: What a great cover for an agent! It wasn't one of our people. But even if it was, you did not hear it from me.
MI6: That was quite clever! But, unfortunately that was not one of our agents.
Mossad: As Sigmund Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Maybe the supervisor really was a Vail ski ticket office employee and does not work for any espionage agency.
FSS: He was almost too perfect in his supervisor role. That's what gave him away as being a spy. But he was not one of ours. Maybe there is yet another agency that wants to recruit Lindsey to spy for it.
BB: That could be. Anything is possible. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you all for this interview and good luck recruiting Lindsey to work for one of your agencies. I'm sure she will make the best choice after evaluating all of your offers. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our intrepid reporters are not really undercover agents. Their intrepidness is natural and not a cover.

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Saturday, April 26, 2014

US Trainer Andreas Evers Gets Jail Sentence

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our 100th article!

US Ski Team Andreas Evers has been sentenced to 4 months in an Austrian jail as part of his sentence for money laundering. His ex-girlfriend embezzled money from a computer firm and he used the money to build a house. The ex-girlfriend already served a jail term for the embezzlement. Evers was let go by the US Ski Team and is going back to Austria to serve his sentence (4 months in jail plus 20 months probation). We would normally avoid this story like we would rotten meat covered in flies because the others have already reported it. But we have our unique perspective on this story. We wanted to interview Herr Evers, but he wasn't available. Then we arranged to talk to his lawyer, but he cancelled at the last minute. But it turned out that our favorite Mafia enforcer, Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, and Evers were friends. One of our intrepid reporters caught up with Vinnie at his home in New Jersey. Let's find out what Vinnie has to say.

BB: Tell our readers about your experience in Sochi.
Vinnie: Neither my Freedonian teammates nor I got a chance to race. Some of my Russian counterparts thought we were part of their security team. I ended up being a bodyguard for the Russian biathlon team, so I at least got to be on skis and hold a rifle as a bonus. We Freedonians must have impressed Vladimir Putin because we were asked to stay on and provide security for the Paralympics. Even though I didn't ski, I got to do what I do best. Maybe in 2018 Team Freedonia will get to ski in the Olympics.
BB: How did you and Andreas Evers become friends?
Vinnie: If you have done any embezzling or money laundering, no matter where, everyone in the Mafia knows who you are. We have to keep an eye on any embezzlers and money launderers to make sure they are not infringing on our territory.
BB: How exactly did you two meet?
Vinnie: My cousin Fabrizio's wife works at the Immigration and Naturalization Service. When Andreas' work visa application came across her desk, she noted that he was suspected of money laundering and would be one to watch. She reported that information to my boss, who then assigned me to be part of the security group for the US Ski Team. In fact, Andreas was one of my trainers for the Olympics.
BB: I thought you work for Red Bull.
Vinnie: I do and did at the time. Let's just say that my boss and Red Bull have a financial arrangement that is mutually beneficial.
BB: In other words, Red Bull pays your boss protection money.
Vinnie: I didn't say that. My youngest brother Tony is the family genius and he handles all of the money. You need to talk to him about any financial arrangements with Red Bull.
BB: Did Herr Evers come to you to help him invest the money that his girlfriend embezzled?
Vinnie: No. All of his crimes were committed in Austria. He never even got a parking ticket in the States.
BB: Herr Evers was under suspicion of money laundering before he left Austria to work for the US Ski Team. Didn't he have a background check before he was hired to work with the US skiers?
Vinnie: A US criminal background check is done to make sure that someone being hired to work with  impressionable young people is not a pervert. Andreas passed his background check because he was never accused or convicted of being a child molester or any other type of sex offender.
BB: I would hardly call the US Ski Team members impressionable young people. They are all adults. Did you or any of your friends have any influence over Herr Evers passing his background check to get a work visa?
Vinnie: No. I have enough work with being an enforcer and with my business.
BB: What kind of business do you have?
Vinnie: Recycling.
BB: Is that a new slang term for money laundering?
Vinnie: No. My family's waste disposal and recycling business is 100 percent legitimate.
BB: When you and Herr Evers were together, did you give him any advice on money laundering?
Vinnie: As I said before, my brother Tony is the one you really need to talk to. He is the family accountant. I am a hit man. But I did tell him the number one rule of committing any crime is not to get caught. It's too bad that he committed his crimes before he met me. Tony and I could have kept him out of trouble. Tony would have shown him how to invest the embezzled money without arousing any suspicion, and I would have dealt with anyone who started wondering about Andreas spending large sums of money.
BB: What will you do with yourself now that Herr Evers has gone back to Austria?
Vinnie: I will see what assignment Red Bull has for me. When Lindsey Vonn makes her comeback, I will probably end up being her bodyguard again. Those pesky little kids who always want her autograph really need to be dealt with properly.
BB: Now that Herr Evers is gone, are there any other trainers left on the US Ski Team with questionable backgrounds?
Vinnie: I heard that the new Swiss guy who was brought in as a trainer for the women showed up drunk at a race. I thought that the US men's team should have hired him. He and that ski racer who partied on an Olympic scale in Torino sound like they could exchange training tips. The skier bragged about racing while wasted and the coach showed up to a race wasted. They are perfect for each other!
BB: Do you think that you and Stefan Abplanalp, the Swiss trainer who just got hired for the women's speed team, will end up being friends?
Vinnie: I don't think so. I don't like hanging around people who are drunk in public. Give me a good embezzler, money launderer, or hit man any day.
BB: Do you know if there are other foreign trainers with criminal pasts that the US Ski Team would consider hiring?
Vinnie: Not that I know of. But Cousin Fabrizio's wife is always on the lookout when she reads applications for work visas.
BB: Are you or anyone in your family doing anything to help Herr Evers?
Vinnie: The Austrians handled his case. But his sentence is lighter than it could have been because the judge had a little chat with my cousin Giuseppe, who came up from Italy to attend the trial. My wife and some of the other women in my family are also helping out by sending Andreas some of their homemade cannoli.
BB: I have had your wife's homemade cannoli and they are delicious! I'm sure that Herr Evers will enjoy them in his prison cell. Well, Vinnie, it looks like we are just about out of time. I want to thank you for this interview. It was very interesting to talk with you, as always. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We don't have enough money for our employees to embezzle from us. But we welcome anyone who wants to invest in us.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

FIS Proposes Code of Conduct for Witch Doctors

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
Over a year after Germany introduced witch doctors to the World Cup, teams have been asking the International Ski Federation (FIS) to come up with a Code of Conduct for them. If racers, trainers, and other support staff have rules to follow, then witch doctors should have them too. Here to talk with one of our intrepid reporters is a representative from the FIS. It is not our usual friend Bob, who is on holiday, but his able assistant Diego. Let's find out what he has to say.
BB: Is Diego your real name?
Diego: No. I don't want to reveal my real name for fear that my bosses will think that I have too much time on my hands at work. But I am a big Atletico Madrid fan and that team has several great Diegos: Simeone, Costa, Godin, and just plain Diego. Uruguayan great Diego Forlan also played for Atletico. I thought that Diego would be a good name for me too.
BB: I see. I don't think you need to worry about your boss Bob. Nobody knows what Bob does at the FIS, but he always seems to have time to grant us an interview. (short pause) Why did the FIS decide to come up with special rules for team witch doctors?
Diego: Safety is our number one priority. We want to ensure that team witch doctors act in such a way to promote athlete safety. A Code of Conduct will guarantee that.
BB: Please tell our readers some of the features of this Code of Conduct for witch doctors.
Diego: First of all, every witch doctor who works for an FIS member team or racer must be certified.
BB: How will they earn this certification? The current team witch doctors are all from the Congo and their knowledge has been handed down from father to eldest son since the world was created by a swarm of giant mosquitos.
Diego: What did you say about the world being created by a swarm of giant mosquitos?
BB: That is something that every witch doctor from the Congo knows. Since you are part of the team working on the new Code of Conduct for them, and the certification process, I figured you would know that. Anyway, how will witch doctors be certified by the FIS?
Diego: The current team witch doctors will be grandfathered in and they will automatically be FIS certified. But any new witch doctors must graduate from an accredited school of witch doctoring. They must also pass a written and practical examination. This will prevent any Pygmy from the Congo from calling himself a witch doctor.
BB: Didn't the Congo stop issuing witch doctor visas to the FIS and Red Bull?
Diego: Yes. But we are preparing for ordinary Congolese Pygmies to say that they are witch doctors just so they can come to Europe or America. Also, by going to witch doctor school, people from other countries can become real witch doctors too. Think of small teams like Slovakia or Japan, which don't have the money to acquire a witch doctor. They can send someone who is a service man/driver/masseur/cook/samurai warrior to witch doctor school.
BB: Are there really any witch doctor schools in existence now?
Diego: Yes. Canada has a program for training witch doctors. We have currently sent a representative from the FIS to check out the curriculum and then set up a training program in Europe. It would be a lot less expensive to send people for witch doctor training in Europe than in Canada. We hope to open the European school next year. In the meantime we will send any interested witch doctor candidates to the Canadian school.  
BB: In which language will the written and practical exams be?
Diego: The exams will be in either English, German, French, or Italian. Those are the four main languages of the FIS Alpine skiing World Cup.
BB: I see a problem already. Will interpreters be provided for people who speak a Slavic, African, or Asian language?
Diego: We hadn't thought of that. I'll have to look into that one and get back to you. At the FIS we don't want someone to call himself a witch doctor because he read "Voodoo for Dummies" one weekend. We need our standards, thus the exams.
BB: Of course you have your standards. That is why you can measure ski length or width or boot height to the nearest 0.000001 millimeter. What else is part of this new code for witch doctors?
Diego: Witch doctors must refrain from casting their spells or using their voodoo dolls during races. All curses and counter-curses must be performed at least 30 minutes before race time.
BB: That makes sense. It would look bad if an athlete had an accident that was the direct result of a curse aimed at him or her during a race.
Diego: Right. We also found that most magic potions that witch doctors give the racers last longer than an hour, so curses performed shortly before race time would not be effective anyway. Any potions created by witch doctors should be also consumed by the athletes at least 30 minutes before the race's scheduled starting time. Exceptions could be made if races are delayed because of the weather or snow conditions. 
BB: What about fans in the stands who have voodoo dolls of their least favorite racers? Would they be considered witch doctors because they are using voodoo and trying to curse an athlete?
Diego: Witch doctors will be the only ones allowed to use voodoo dolls at races as long as they are put away 30 minutes before the start. Voodoo dolls will no longer be allowed at races and fans will be searched for them before entering the race venue. Ninety-nine percent of the voodoo dolls that fans bring to races are worthless, but we must guard against the 1% that really work. At the FIS, we can never be too careful when it comes to athlete safety.
BB:  Will witch doctors still be allowed in the start area before races?
Diego: No. There is too great a risk of them throwing curses and counter-curses when the athletes are concentrating on the race.
BB: What about an athlete who wants the team witch doctor in the start house to help him or her mentally?
Diego: He or she will have to figure out a different way to mentally prepare for races. Ski racers are professional athletes. Until two seasons ago nobody even heard of  having a team witch doctor, so most of the racers should know how to prepare for a race without one.
BB: That is true. One more question. If a team fires its witch doctor, can he be hired by another team or does he have to go back to the Congo?
Diego: Witch doctors cannot be traded or sold to another team during the racing season. The transfer window for trading or buying witch doctors is during the off-season.
BB: What about announcing that a witch doctor will work for another team during racing season?
Diego: Hmmmm....I believe that teams should wait until the season is over before announcing any changes with their witch doctors.
BB: What about if a witch doctor stays with the same team, but transfers from the men's team to the women's or vice versa? Germany's Dr. Mabongo will start working with the men next season instead of the women.
Diego: That will be allowed since the witch doctor is still with the same team. Germany set the precedent at the Schladming World Championships, when Dr. Mabongo worked with both the men and women. 
BB: Will teams be able to have as many witch doctors as they wish, or will there be limits?
Diego: For now there are no limits. Currently teams only have one witch doctor because of the visa restrictions. We will have to come back to that issue when we see how many people decide to go through the training program.
BB: Have these rules been finalized, or are they still proposals?
Diego: They are still in the draft stage. The Blickbild is the first news source that we have talked to. They will be discussed and finalized at the FIS's annual summer meeting.
BB: What about rules for Mafia enforcers? There are quite a few of them who have been hired by individual racers or major sponsors like Red Bull and HEAD.
Diego: We at the FIS are also working on rules for Mafia hit men to follow. You will be the first to know when we come out with rules for Mafia enforcers. 
BB: It looks like our time is running out. Diego, I want to thank you for this interview. It will be interesting to see how these rules will affect witch doctors next season. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters are Blickbild-certified intrepid.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Questions and Answers

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

We have received many letters, e-mails, and tweets from our readers all over the globe. Our readers love to ask us questions and we also enjoy answering them. If our readers were too afraid to ask us questions, they would always be in the dark. Our intrepid research team and reporters also benefit when readers ask questions because answering questions keeps them busy, which helps them to keep their jobs. It's a win-win situation for all. Let's find out what sorts of questions our readers have been asking us lately. 

Question: Bode Miller said that he didn't have time for eye surgery last year. Will he have time for it this year? 
Answer: If he wants to see clearly when the sun is not shining, which is 90% of the time in Europe, it would be to his advantage to have the surgery. Marcel Hirscher already made it clear that Whitey, his former guide dog, is off limits. It is still unknown if Lindsey Vonn will train her dog Leo to be a guide dog for Bode, but we believe it is highly doubtful that she would do anything to help a potential rival. It is hard to find time for anything in the off-season between taking some down time to decompress from the previous season, ongoing custody battles, and spending time in the gym training for next season. But it sounds like Bode will either have to find a way to make time for the surgery or get himself a guide dog.
Question: Doesn't Lindsey's dog have a bad leg? Wouldn't that make him a poor candidate for becoming a racing guide dog?
Answer: According to our sources, Leo had surgery and he appears to be a supercanine rehabber.  
Question: Are any of the ski teams swapping witch doctors? Is there even a transfer period for witch doctors like there is in football (soccer)?
Answer: Just like trainers, witch doctors are free to change teams when their contracts expire. So far none of the witch doctors are changing teams, though Germany's Dr. Mabongo will leave the women's team and work with the men's team. 
Question: Last year the Congo stopped issuing visas for witch doctors. Will Congo start issuing them again, or are the teams without witch doctors simply out of luck?
Answer: Congo still has a ban on witch doctor visas. However, the International Ski Federation (FIS) is negotiating with Congo to issue a limited number of visas every year. For now the teams without witch doctors either have to train with a team that has one or do without. Some of the more creative smaller teams already have people who do the multiple jobs of service man, driver, massage therapist, assistant trainer, and general lackey. They are taking special online courses in the off-season on how to become a witch doctor.
Question: Who is teaching those online courses and will the graduates be as good as a real Congolese witch doctor?
Answer: Dr. Mabongo and France's Dr. Djibuku will be the two main instructors. They were the top two witch doctors last season. People taking the online witch doctoring courses will have to pass a series of written and practical examinations. The exams will be given at a site to be named later and proctored by a Congolese witch doctor. We will have to wait until next season to find out if the online training is as good as that handed down from generation to generation of eldest sons in the Congo.
Question: Is it true that Felix Neureuther will compete for Austria in exchange for Matthias Berthold becoming a trainer in Germany?
Answer: Austria was unsuccessful in getting Fritz Dopfer to go back to Austria last year. Cake and ice cream were obviously not enough to entice Fritz to compete for Austria. (see this story) With both Mario Matt and Benni Raich getting even older, the OeSV needs someone to provide a good 1-2 punch with Marcel Hirscher. Felix is the perfect candidate. The deal has not been finalized yet and we will keep our readers informed.
Question: If the Neureuther for Berthold deal doesn't happen, will Berthold go to the USA?
Answer: Berthold seems to have a clean past, so we doubt it. The US Ski Team seems to prefer trainers who were involved in criminal activity, like embezzling, or who simply showed up drunk at races.  
Question: Why did Maria Hoefl-Riesch retire? She was in top form and had a few more good years left.
Answer: As much as we pretend to be, we are not psychic mind readers. Mr. Spock was unavailable to do a Vulcan Mind Meld, so it looks like only Maria knows why she retired. She is understandably very proud of all that she had achieved, even if she is not obsessed with setting as many records as humanly possible.
Question: Will Germany and Switzerland really go before the Court of Arbitration in Sport to appeal the decision that gave an Olympic gold medal to Max Franz for artistic impression?
Answer: Yes they will. That case will be heard shortly and we will have one of our intrepid reporters in Switzerland to bring our readers all of the details.
Question: Isn't Switzerland a neutral country and not allowed to go to war?
Answer: Technically Switzerland is not going to war. It is trying to get a medal for one of its ski racers. As far as we know, there are no hastily-assembled militias or elephants involved in Switzerland's case. 
Question: What are the odds of the Court of Arbitration in Sport overturning the Olympic judges and awarding German skier Stefan Luitz the gold medal for artistic impression?
Answer: If the hearing were held in Mongolia, and the judges hearing the case were bribed with enough yak milk pellets by Germany, I would say the odds would be good. But the CAS is located in Switzerland, so the decision could go either way. We will have to wait for the decision like everyone else. As soon as our intrepid, on-the-spot reporter finds anything out, our readers will be the first to know.
Question: If the GS globe came down to Marcel Hirscher and Ted Ligety's math and language test results, who would have won?
Answer: That answer will never be known. The test results are put into sealed envelopes that are only opened if it comes down to needing those tie breakers. If they are not needed, the tests are shredded and then the shredded paper is burned. But our guess would be Marcel because Austrian kids are required to learn a second language in school and are also better in math than American kids.
Question: Is it true that the FIS is going to add a geography test as a further tie breaker for Crystal Globes?
Answer: That was proposed at last summer's meetings, but it was rejected by the US delegation as being too difficult. It's a good thing that the US is not involved in the Olympic artistry medal controversy or they may have gone to Swaziland, and not Switzerland, for the CAS hearing.
Question: Who are the favorites to win the Crystal Globes next season?
Answer: We will go out on a limb and say that men will win all of the men's globes and women will win all of the women's globes. There shouldn't be men competing in women's races and vice versa, unless the FIS changes its decision about letting Lindsey Vonn race against men.

Well, it looks like we are out of time. Our intrepid research team and reporters thank you for all of the interesting questions. They look forward to answering more of them so they can stay employed. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We can answer any question you ask us.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.