Friday, October 4, 2013

Lindsey Vonn May (Or May Not) Race In Soelden

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

We usually avoid non-newsworthy stories like we would a vial of Ebola virus. But the others have reported about Lindsey Vonn saying that she will possibly race in Soelden instead of waiting until the North American speed races in November. We at the Blickbild felt that this story did not meet our  journalistic standards. Since the others obviously thought there was something to it, we sent one of our intrepid reporters to track down Ms. Vonn. She was unavailable due to traveling around the country convening press conferences and signing autographs. So we sent our plucky journalist to Soelden, Austria to give readers our unique perspective on this story that's only fit for a slow news day. Our reporter was able to talk with Soelden Burgermeister (mayor) Ernst Schoepf. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Lindsey Vonn may race in Soelden in a little over three weeks. What is your opinion on that?
Schoepf: There will be about 120 to 140 racers in Soelden--60 to 70 men and the same number of women. One more or one less won't make a difference.
BB: If Lindsey does come to Soelden, won't you have to make special preparations?
Schoepf: No. Marcel Hirscher is also coming and we are not making special preparations for him. In fact, I am looking forward to seeing him race with his improved vision and without his dog. What sort of special preparations are you talking about?
BB: First of all, you will need to ensure that she has all the Red Bull she can drink.
Schoepf: She's sponsored by Red Bull. I'm sure they can take care of that for her.
BB: Then you will need some little girls to walk in front of her and throw rose petals.
Schoepf: We have plenty of little girls here in Soelden. But they would rather be skiing or cheering for the Austrian racers. Doesn't she have a sister who could put rose petals in her path?
BB: I'm sure her sister could be up for that task. The only problem would be finding her way to Soelden on those narrow European roads that have no signs without a sophisticated navigation system.
Schoepf: It's a good thing she wasn't part of the Germanic tribes who conquered Rome 1600 years ago. They didn't have Google Maps or GPS systems, yet they were able to get to Rome and sack it.
BB: Very true. The last thing you would need to provide is a band to play a fanfare for Lindsey wherever she goes. After all, she is making the biggest comeback ever in World Cup skiing history and this would ensure that everyone else knows it too.
Schoepf: We do have bands that play at local fests in the summer. But the winter is their time off. If our Austrian skiers don't require a band, then she can also get by without one.
BB: What about having a few trumpeters? I'm sure there are plenty of trumpet players in Austria.
Schoepf: Maybe we can find an Alphorn player or two. But we would have to book any musicians right now so they have time to rehearse.
BB: The problem is that Lindsey doesn't know for certain if she will race in Soelden.  She will only race if she feels 100% ready physically and mentally.
Schoepf: It's the same thing for our musicians. They will not perform in public unless they feel that they are 100% prepared for their gig. By the way, who will pay them if they prepare to be Ms. Vonn's personal musicians in Soelden and she ends up not racing?
BB: That is between the musicians and Lindsey's sponsors. I'm sure they will get paid. You don't seem very willing to make Lindsey feel welcome in Soelden.
Schoepf: She is not the only person I need to worry about. There will be a lot of racers with their trainers, service men, and massage therapists. Some of the teams have witch doctors and we have to accommodate them along with all of the visitors to my lovely town. I also have to take care of the FIS people. I'm sure her team or her Red Bull bodyguard will take good care of her.
BB: Speaking of bodyguards, do you feel that Soelden is a safe town? Do you think that Lindsey will require a bodyguard like she did in Schladming?
Schoepf: Soelden is very safe. None of the Austrian skiers require bodyguards and the fans are all over them. She will be perfectly safe here without a bodyguard.
BB: Will you require the course workers to have background checks to make sure that they are not the types to put soft snow or rocks on the course just before Lindsey's run?
Schoepf:  I'm sure the FIS takes care of that.
BB: Will the fans be checked for voodoo dolls before entering the race venue?
Schoepf: No, the fans won't be checked for voodoo dolls. Who believes in that stuff anyway?
BB: Be careful. You will have a bunch of Congolese witch doctors in Soelden putting a curse on you for talking that way.
Schoepf: What do voodoo dolls and witch doctors have to do with Lindsey Vonn's decision to race in Soelden?
BB: Everything. Our readers won't find out until close to the last minute if Lindsey is racing in Soelden. She wants to come to Austria for some last-minute training before making her decision. As the mayor, you need to be prepared for her to show up in town to race, which also entails doing body scans of the fans for voodoo dolls.
Schoepf: The whole town of Soelden will be prepared for all of the racers. Every year we have the opening races in Soelden and they are always a success. It doesn't matter who races here or who skips the races.
BB: If Lindsey decides that she is not 100% fit and wants to skip Soelden, will you cancel the women's race?
Schoepf: Of course not! What a ridiculous question! The only way the races will be cancelled is because of bad weather or no snow. We don't cancel races just because someone decides not to participate in them. Beat Feuz is not racing in Soelden and we won't cancel the men's race because of that.
BB: Wow, you sure don't have any respect for one of the top female skiers.
Schoepf: I respect all of the racers and don't give preferential treatment to any of them.
BB: And yet the people of Soelden have elected you mayor. What were they thinking?
Schoepf: This is an Austrian town and only residents can vote for mayor. The people here are happy with the job I am doing. We will have a great season opener, no matter who competes, and will continue to do so in future years.
BB: Aren't you worried that if you don't provide the Red Bull, rose petals, and musicians, or refuse to cancel the race if Lindsey declines to participate, Tiger Woods will give a big campaign donation to your opponents in the next election?
Schoepf: He cannot do that. We are only allowed to take campaign donations from Austrians. Tiger Woods is not Austrian.
BB: Who do you think will win in Soelden?
Schoepf: I hope that Austria has a good showing like last year. I hope that Marcel wins.
BB: If Lindsey is in the women's race, do you think she will win?
Schoepf: I thought she wanted to compete in the men's race.
BB: That was last year. This year is all about  her big comeback.
Schoepf: Good, because I don't think she would win the men's race. Marcel, Ted Ligety, Alexis Pinturault, and the other men will see to that.
BB: By the way, Bode Miller will be racing in Soelden and making his comeback after a year off. What is your opinion of that?
Schoepf: As with Lindsey, Bode is just one of many racers in Soelden. Don't tell me I have to make special preparations for him.
BB: No you don't. Well, it looks like we are just about out of time. I want to thank you for your time and for this interesting interview. Let's hope for some good racing in Soelden. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters get paid with money and not Red Bull and flower petals.

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1 comment:

Emma said...

Wow - don't you have anything better to do than to be nasty?