Monday, January 27, 2014

Mafia Hit Man Going To Sochi

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 Red Bull Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli will be going to Sochi in a couple of weeks. It came as a surprise to us and to the rest of the ski world. One of our intrepid reporters had a chance to talk to our favorite Mafia hit man at his home in New Jersey. Let's find out what Vinnie has to say.

BB: Vinnie, it was just announced that you will be going to Sochi. Will you be serving as somebody's bodyguard?
Vinnie: No. I will be competing at the Olympics.
BB: In what sport?
Vinnie: Alpine skiing.
BB: Alpine skiing?!?!?
Vinnie: That's right.
BB: Well knock me over with a feather! This is certainly a big surprise.
Vinnie: You must not be as intrepid as you look. I rightfully qualified for the Olympics.
BB: I am just as intrepid as my fellow Blickbild reporters! We have the most intrepid reporters in the business!
Vinnie: I will be in a speed suit along with all of the other Olympic skiers and will compete in the slalom and giant slalom events.
BB: Wait a minute! As of last February you did not know how to ski. In fact, you were committed to a psychiatric institution for the criminally insane because you felt that your inability to ski caused Lindsey Vonn's injury in Schladming.
Vinnie: Yes, but the doctors helped me to realize that it was not my fault. But I decided that if I wanted to be the best bodyguard I could possibly be to a World Cup racer, I should learn to ski. I started with a ski course at the hospital and went to Argentina in the summer to continue my lessons.
BB: You are evidently a very fast learner if you qualified for the Olympics less than a year after taking your first ski lessons. I don't see your name on any US team roster for Sochi.
Vinnie: That's because I'm not on the US ski team. I am on a special team made up solely of Mafia enforcers from all over the world.
BB: Are you and your fellow Mafiosos competing for Mali, Fiji, or another country that is not exactly a skiing hotbed?
Vinnie: No. We are competing for Freedonia.
BB: Freedonia isn't a real country! It was a fictional nation from the Marx Brothers movie "Duck Soup."
Vinnie: Don't tell the people from the International Ski Federation (FIS). They want as many countries as possible to be in the Olympics, so they accepted our application to compete in Sochi.
BB: How many Alpine skiers will be on the team from Freedonia?
Vinnie: Twenty.
BB: This is getting more and more absurd! How does Freedonia get more racers than top teams like France and Italy?
Vinnie: Let's just say that the people at the FIS treasure their kneecaps more than their team quotas.
BB: As do I. (short pause) How did you qualify for the Olympics? The FIS has a rather strict process for Olympic qualification.
Vinnie: Everyone on our team has worked hard and earned the right number of FIS points in races.
BB: What sorts of races did you do to qualify for Sochi?
Vinnie: My first race was the beginners' giant slalom race at my ski school. I won it easily. That victory made me hungry for more. My next race was at a company outing and I was second in my division. I realized that I had a talent, so I competed in more local races and did very well in them.
BB: That's great, but I wouldn't think that local races would count for FIS Olympic qualification.
Vinnie: You have a lot to learn, my friend. From what I read, just about anybody can get 140 FIS points or less. You just have to know how to do it. It had nothing to do with the horse's head that Gian-Franco Kasper found in his bed one morning.
BB: The question that the whole ski world has been asking is...Were you inspired by Vanessa Mae, the violinist who qualified to compete in Olympic Alpine skiing events for Thailand?
Vinnie: My machine gun case may look like a violin case, but I never heard of her. So the answer is no.
BB: What do you think your chances of winning a medal in Sochi will be?
Vinnie: I have as good a chance as anyone else to win a medal. Strange things happen to the athletes at every Olympics.
BB: Do you feel guilty that you and your fellow Freedonians being at the Olympics resulted in some of the world's best skiers having to watch the Sochi Olympics on TV?
Vinnie: No. Why should we?  The Freedonian team earned the right to be in Sochi, just like the other teams. It is not my fault that the FIS wants more countries to take part in the Olympics, just like it wasn't my fault that Lindsey Vonn injured her knee in Schladming.
BB: I see your point. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for your time and wish you and the other members of Team Freedonia good luck in Sochi. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild's team of intrepid researchers and reporters will be in Sochi bringing our readers all of the action from there.

 The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We don't have to put a horse's head in someone's bed to get a story.

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