Sunday, July 6, 2014

HEAD Plans World (Cup) Domination

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

It seems like almost every ski racer in the World Cup is switching to HEAD skis. Now it seems that HEAD is not only trying to get all of the World Cup racers to switch to its equipment, it is now adding more witch doctors to its roster. While national ski teams are struggling with visa restrictions, HEAD seems to attract and sign the world's top witch doctors. Is obtaining a top witch doctor part of a larger and more sinister plan? One of our intrepid researchers worked undercover at HEAD to learn its plans for total domination of the World Cup. What he found was shocking and surprising to say the least. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: How long were you working undercover at HEAD?
Researcher: Close to two years.
BB: What did you do there?
Researcher: I would rather not say. Between all of the Mafia hit men and witch doctors on HEAD's payroll, I would be a dead man if the wrong people found out that I was an investigative researcher for the Blickbild. I can't be very intrepid if I am dead.
BB: That is true. We are part of the most intrepid research and reporting team in the business. (short pause) Some big name skiers have switched to HEAD in the off-season, notably Alexis Pinturault and Elena Curtoni. What is it about HEAD that is making so many ski racers switch? Is is just the money?
Researcher: Money is of course one factor. But every ski firm can offer the athletes good money. HEAD has extras that the others can't offer, like personal witch doctors.
BB: Many of the ski teams already have witch doctors. 
Researcher: Yes, but the athletes have to share the witch doctors with their teammates. If a ski racer switches to HEAD, he or she can have his or her own personal witch doctor. It is part of HEAD's service package.
BB: Wait a minute! The Congo has stopped issuing witch doctor visas for ski teams. How is HEAD getting around the visa embargo?
Researcher: HEAD has a research team whose job is to find other countries with witch doctors and convince them to issue visas. Of course HEAD's researchers are not as intrepid as the Blickbild's.
BB: Of course they aren't. What other countries are supplying HEAD with witch doctors?
Researcher: Ghana is one of the main ones. In fact, HEAD just signed the top witch doctor in Ghana, Nana Kwaku Bonsam. He was the witch doctor who put a curse on Portuguese football player Cristiano Ronaldo. (see this article) There are also other African countries like Malawi, Niger, the Gambia, and Burkina Faso with a lot of witch doctors. Some Pacific Island countries also have witch doctors.
BB: How did HEAD get Nana Kwaku Bonsam away from Ghana? I'm sure that he must be a national hero after putting a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo. 
Researcher: He is a hero because Portugal did not make it out of the group stages in the football World Cup, plus his curse caused Ronaldo's injuries this past season. But evidently he could not find all of the supplies that he needs for his potions in Ghana. Part of the deal with HEAD is that HEAD will supply Dr. Bonsam with everything he needs so that he can work his magic.
BB: Nana Kwaku Bonsam is obviously a hot commodity. Weren't ski teams bidding to have him? Imagine how powerful a ski team would be with the top witch doctor in Ghana!
Researcher: That is true. Some teams were bidding to get Dr. Bonsam, but HEAD made the best offer.
BB: I see. If each skier who races with HEAD skis gets his or her own witch doctor, who will be assigned to Dr. Bonsam? 
Researcher: I would imagine one of HEAD's top World Cup Rebels like Lindsey Vonn or Aksel Lund Svindal. We will have to find out when racing season starts.
BB: Has HEAD been bidding for Germany's Dr. Mabongo or France's Dr. Djibuku?
Researcher: Yes. So far both are holding out for staying with their national teams. But HEAD will get them one day. It's only a matter of time.
BB: About the name World Cup Rebels....wouldn't World Cup Sheep or World Cup Lemmings be a better name for ski racers who switch to HEAD? 
Researcher: Those would be much better names. If the majority of racers is using HEAD skis, they are no longer rebels. The real rebels are those who refuse to join the HEAD team. In fact, HEAD is not only planning World Cup domination, it is planning total world domination.
BB: Hold on here! It's an awfully big jump from having most of the athletes in the World Cup using your products to taking over the whole world. 
Researcher: As they say, Rome was not build in a day. First HEAD dominated the market for tennis equipment. Now it wants to be the only firm to supply skis and boots for World Cup ski racers. When that phase is completed, then HEAD will keep moving on until the only products for sale anywhere will be made by them. There will even be HEAD brand diapers for babies to get them started early.
BB: That sounds like the old East Bloc, where everyone in Poland used Ludwik laundry soap or drank Sovyetskoyoe Shampanskoye. 
Researcher: Exactly. Just like in the old Soviet Bloc, there will be only one brand of everything, and that brand will be HEAD.
BB: How will HEAD get the money to fund its world takeover? It is very expensive to drive away competition and become the dominant, and eventually only, brand on the market.
Researcher: As everyone knows, HEAD has quite a few Mafia enforcers on its payroll. Ski racers not only can have a private witch doctor, they can also have a personal Mafia hit man when they are part of the HEAD team. There is no better way to eliminate the competition than the combination of Mafia persuasion and a witch doctor's curse. Anyway, the Mafia hit men need a place to launder their money. What better place than a well-known sporting goods firm?
BB: They really have it all planned out. How do you know all about HEAD's plans for total world domination?
Researcher: Let's just say that I had access to various papers, reports, and memos when I worked for HEAD.
BB: Is there a target date for HEAD dominating the world?
Researcher: Just like the old Soviet Union, HEAD has multi-year plans and goals to fulfill them. It will be a step-by-step process that should go unnoticed by the general public until it is too late to stop them. Even the Blickbild will cease to exist, replaced by the HEAD Times.
BB: Hopefully the Blickbild will be the last thing that gets taken over. In the meantime, I want to thank you for this enlightening interview. You have shown our readers why we have the most intrepid journalism team in the business. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

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