Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Will Vinnie "The Shark" Be Replaced as Lindsey Vonn's Bodyguard?

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Lindsey Vonn never goes anywhere without her dog Leo. He even accompanies her when she goes to the toilet. Has Leo replaced Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli as Lindsey's bodyguard? One of our intrepid reporters was dispatched to Copper Mountain, where the US Ski Team was being presented, to try and interview Lindsey, but she was not available. However, we scored a journalistic coup and ran into our favorite Mafia hit man, Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, who was also training at Copper Mountain. We asked Vinnie about the rumours of his layoff.  Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: It's good to see you again, Vinnie. What have you been doing since the Freedonian Ski Team investigation? (see this story)
Vinnie: The Freedonian Ski Team is still alive and we are hoping to qualify for Vail. In fact, my teammates and I are here at Copper Mountain training for Vail.
BB: How will you compete in Vail when your team is under investigation?
Vinnie: Let's just say that we have ways of convincing Gian Franco Kasper and the rest of his men at the International Ski Federation (FIS) to make it happen.
BB: I'll leave your federation to sort things out with the FIS. In the meantime, our intrepid research team found out that the Freedonian Ski Team has been posing nude to raise funds for race entry fees and to go to Vail.
Vinnie: I don't know where they got their information, but we never posed nude. Team Freedonia did a photo spread in "Mafia Today" magazine right after the Olympics. We posed in ski boots and Speedos while holding our machine gun cases. Remember the photos of Lindsey Vonn in a bikini and ski boots in "Sports Illustrated" back in 2010? Our photos were like those, only we have more hair on our chests than Lindsey. That issue of "Mafia Today" set a sales record that will probably never be broken.
BB: I can imagine. No woman can resist a hot Mafia hit man in a Speedo. (short pause) There are rumours going around the ski world that you have been replaced as Lindsey Vonn's bodyguard. Are they true?
Vinnie: Who is supposed to be my replacement?
BB: Her dog Leo. 
Vinnie: Are you joking with me?
BB: Definitely not! I know better than to joke around with a Mafia enforcer. I treasure my kneecaps too much. Look at the evidence. Ever since Lindsey got Leo, she has not requested a bodyguard.
Vinnie: She also has not been traveling to races, where she will need a bodyguard. She doesn't need protection in Copper Mountain. Once she starts racing again, she will need a good bodyguard. Someone needs to keep her competitors away from her in the start area and also to shoo away those pesky kids who want her autograph after races.
BB: But Leo could do that. He is big enough to scare little kids and he looks fairly intimidating to the other ski racers. 
Vinnie: Leo might scare a few kids, but I don't think that he will scare the other athletes. He is a rather ugly dog, but the other women will still want to pet him and feed him treats.
BB: There are several things that Leo can do that you can't. 
Vinnie: Name one.
BB: He can accompany Lindsey to the bathroom and protect her from all of those unmentionable things that could happen to her in a public WC.
Vinnie: That is true. Even though Leo is male, he can go into a women's bathroom. I have a feeling that he would be more interested in figuring out which toilet to drink from than guarding Lindsey.
BB: Leo can accompany Lindsey to interviews and even sit on the couch with her.
Vinnie: I can do the same thing without climbing all over everyone and slobbering on any food or drinks that are left out.
BB: Leo was with Lindsey at the autograph session after the team was presented in Copper Mountain.
Vinnie: Leo also fell asleep by the table. I would never fall asleep on the job. When I was hired to be Lindsey's bodyguard in Schladming, I vowed to stay awake the entire two weeks of the championships. Red Bull gave me unlimited quantities of its energy drink to help me do so. (see this story)
BB: Here is something that Leo can do that you definitely can't. He can lift his leg and pee on people. 
Vinnie: Hey, I can unzip my trousers and pee on people without having to lift my leg. Anyway, if the most intimidating thing that Leo can do is pee on someone, he really is a big wimp. From what I have seen of him during Lindsey's interviews, Leo is also rather undisciplined. I doubt that he could be trained to pee on people.
BB: Leo can jump on people and hump their legs. 
Vinnie: I could technically do that too. But I am not a pervert. I could see that Leo would be hard to dislodge if he started humping someone's leg. He is a pretty big dog.
BB: Let's say Lindsey wants all of the medals in Vail like she got in Schladming. (see this story) Do you think that Leo peeing on a competitor, or humping her leg, would convince her to give her medals to Lindsey?
Vinnie: Definitely not. If someone's dog did those things to me, it would make me less inclined to give up any medals that I earned.
BB: Do you still work for Red Bull and Head?
Vinnie: Yes. I fully expect to be called to serve as Lindsey's bodyguard once she starts racing again. Remember, I can ski and Leo can't because of his bad leg, so I have an advantage over him. Remember, I was on an Olympic ski racing team.
BB: Even though the Freedonians didn't actually get to race, you were still technically on an Olympic skiing team. 
Vinnie: That's right. I will also be there to convince the other racers to give Lindsey their medals from Vail if that's what she wants. Whatever Lindsey wants, Red Bull and Head are there to get it for her.
BB: Everyone knows how records are the most important thing in the world to Lindsey. They are even more important to her than Leo, believe it or not. If she got all of the medals from Vail, combined with all of the medals from Schladming, she would set a record that nobody would be able to touch. That would be part of her legacy along with her other records. 
Vinnie: And I would be a part of helping Lindsey to break records and establish her legacy through my work with Red Bull and Head. Everyone should ignore the rumours about me being replaced because they are not true. When Lindsey goes up to Lake Louise to race, I will be there as her bodyguard.
BB: I hope you are right. Vinnie, I want to thank you for another interesting interview. It is always a pleasure to talk to you. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters don't have to pee on people or hump their legs to get a story. 

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