Monday, May 11, 2015

Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods Split Up

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The US sports power couple, Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn have split up. I bet you are wondering how this can be an exclusive story when it is old news that the others have already reported and beaten to death. We normally would avoid reporting this story like we would raw sewage, but we have our unique spin on it. Our intrepid reporter was unable to talk with either Mr. Woods or Ms. Vonn. But  a member of Lindsey's public relations team, who wanted to be called Mary for this interview, consented to speak with our reporter. Let's find out what she has to say. 

BB: Our readers want to know the real reason why Tiger and Lindsey split up.
Mary: The official reason is that they both have busy lives and couldn't spend as much time together as they would have liked.
BB: That was the official reason reported to the press. But we all know that there is more to it. Did they have a hard time working out how the toilet paper was supposed to be hung?
Mary: I didn't hear anything about that.
BB: Toilet paper is  a bigger issue than you think. Alpine skiing's most beloved power couple, Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild, found a way to work out how they hang their toilet paper.  (see this story) It evidently worked for them because they just got married. 
Mary: Lindsey never mentioned anything about toilet paper.
BB: Did she serve Tiger tinned ojlmsfjaegger instead of taking the time to make it herself?
Mary: Tinned what?!?
BB: Ojlmsfjaegger. They're the cubes of pickled reindeer heart in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce that Ragnhild Mowinckel, Lotte Smithest Sejersted, and Nina Loeseth share with the other racers on their birthdays. They are a special Norwegian birthday treat.
Mary: Those must be the weird things that the Norwegians serve at their parties. Neither Lindsey nor Tiger are Norwegian, so she would not make or buy them for Tiger on his birthday. Anyway, she doesn't cook. 
BB: Could the real reason be that she was having better performances in her sport and he was no longer good enough for her?
Mary: I don't think so. As you recall, Lindsey prefers to be better than those around her. She and Maria Hoefl-Riesch are very good friends. But the year that Maria won the overall globe, Lindsey wasn't her friend anymore. When Lindsey performed better than Maria the next season, they were friends again. 
BB: Was she simply tired of being known as Tiger's latest blonde girlfriend despite her achievements on the race pistes?
Mary: That could be. No matter how hard she tries to promote ski racing in the States, people just don't care about it except at the Olympics. She was much better known as Tiger's girlfriend.
BB: Did she break up with Tiger because she wants to get sympathy points at World Cup races and be known as the heroic racer who overcame a broken heart not just once, but twice, and lived to tell the tale?
Mary: That is very possible. First she overcame two life-threatening injuries in a row and then two real heartbreaks between her divorce from Thomas and breakup with Tiger. She was able to overcome the tragedies in her life to win ski races. That should be the real story.
BB: Now that Lindsey will be out of the tabloids as Tiger's girlfriend, do you think that she needs a new boyfriend to keep herself in the press?
Mary: I'm sure that she will do a good job promoting ski racing on her own, especially with her new foundation.
BB: Of course. But a new new boyfriend would help, especially if he were famous. 
Mary: It goes without saying that any boyfriend she has must be rich, famous, and an athlete in his prime. If he were also British royalty, that would be icing on the cake. But someone who's simply a rich famous athlete will do to help mend her broken heart. Tim Tebow is out because of his religion and he has faded away into oblivion. Roger Federer is married. I don't know who else she would go for.
BB:  I know an athlete who is even bigger worldwide than Tiger Woods who has recently become single. He's the most well-known athlete on the planet--Cristiano Ronaldo! He meets all of the criteria. Ronaldo is not British royalty, but he played for Manchester United before going to Real Madrid.  He could also give Lindsey fabulous hair styling tips. 
Mary: Ronaldo is one of the world's most famous athletes. But there would be the same problem of not having time to see each other. It wouldn't work out for  a couple of reasons. First of all, Ronaldo would upstage Lindsey and she would be known as his girlfriend instead of as someone who wins ski races.  Secondly, Ronaldo is younger than Lindsey and her history shows that she prefers older men.
BB: Then how about Gianluigi Buffon or Iker Casillas? They are older than Lindsey and are also internationally famous athletes. 
Mary: Who?
BB: Everyone in Europe knows that Buffon and Casillas are two of the all-time greatest football goalies. They each won the FIFA World Cup with their teams, plus Casillas' team won two European championships. Their clubs are in the Champions League semi-finals this year.
Mary: They may be famous in Europe, but Lindsey needs someone who Americans can easily recognize. A European soccer goalie won't do for her. Soccer is like ski racing in the States. Nobody cares about it except every four years when the FIFA World Cup is on TV.
BB:  You are saying that she needs a famous American athlete who's older than she is?
Mary: Correct.
BB: I've got it! Lance Armstrong would be her perfect match. He is well-known both in the States and internationally and he is older. They also have something in common because they were both involved with shady doping doctors. Lance had Dr. Ferrari and Lindsey goes to a Red Bull clinic in Salzburg that's run by Dr. Pansold, a former East German doping doctor. 
Mary: Are you crazy?!? That would never work out. Lance has been disgraced because he admitted to cheating. He would totally ruin Lindsey's image as the pure all-American ski racer.
BB: I may be intrepid, but I am not crazy. OK, I see your point about Lance. I have one more suggestion.......Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli. 
Mary: This is getting ridiculous. Where are you coming up with these people?
BB: Vinnie is perfect. He was on an Olympic ski racing team, so they are in the same sport. She doesn't have to pretend to like another sport like she did with Tiger and golf. Vinnie was on the Freedonian Ski Team, but he is from New Jersey, which makes him American. Vinnie is also older than Lindsey, has no connections with doping doctors, and won't upstage her by being a threat to her records. Lindsey is being called heartless in the press for dumping Tiger on the anniversary of his father's death. What better way to rehabilitate that image than by having a romance with the former bodyguard who spent time in an asylum for the criminally insane because he was blamed for her injury!
Mary: Hmmmm....very interesting.....I see your point. I will have to talk to Lindsey and see what she thinks about starting a romance with Vinnie. She may be up for it even though he's not a celebrity
BB: One more thing. Lindsey was named an honorary ambassador for the 2018 Olympics. Wouldn't Vinnie have been a better choice? After all, Baron Pierre de Coubertin said that the most important thing at the Olympics was not to win but to take part. Don't you think that Vinnie exemplifies that motto more than Lindsey?
Mary: From what I read, he didn't actually take part in Sochi.
BB: He most certainly did! Vinnie may not have raced, but he took part in the security detail. That could be considered taking part in the Olympics. 
Mary: Now you're getting into semantics. Lindsey actually competed in three Olympics and would be a great honorary ambassador.
BB: It's true that Lindsey was in more Olympics than Vinnie. He was a late bloomer as a ski racer, which shouldn't count against him. Lindsey won a gold medal while Vinnie took part. If Baron de Coubertin were alive today, he would have picked Vinnie over Lindsey to be the honorary ambassador. Therefore, Vinnie would be the perfect representative of the Olympic Spirit. 
Mary: But the baron is not alive and Lindsey got the position, so get over it!
BB: There's no need to be hostile. I was simply stating the facts. 
Mary: Sorry. I tend to get defensive where Lindsey is concerned because a lot of people seem to dislike her for some unknown reason. The first step is to get Lindsey and Vinnie together and then keep their romance alive in the press. All of us on Lindsey's public relations team will work on doing what we can to promote Lindsey, ski racing, and her relationship with Vinnie. If it works out with Vinnie, Lindsey's influence may help to get him an honorary Olympic ambassadorship.
BB: Let's see what happens. Well, it looks like we are just about out of time. Mary, I want to thank you for this interview. It was interesting to talk to you. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

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