Thursday, March 24, 2016

Inanimate Objects

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

At World Cup finals last weekend Austrian racer Roland Leitinger almost had to stop because a cola bottle rolled into his path. How did it get there? Was Roland a specific target, or was the bottle targeting any Austrian? Why are inanimate objects taking over the World Cup? This is a mystery that most people think can never be solved. But we are the Blickbild and we know the experts who can solve any mystery. One of our intrepid reporters talked to our Answer Man, who is really one of our equally intrepid researchers. Let's find out what the Answer Man has to say.

BB: Last year the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom was terrorizing US ski racers. This season we had several different types of inanimate objects scaring the racers. There was a drone, bad bindings, and a cola bottle.
Answer Man: That's right. A drone almost flew into Marcel Hirscher's head. Lindsey Vonn had ski bindings that released unexpectedly.Then a cola bottle rolled onto the course in front of Roland Leitinger at finals in St. Moritz.
BB: Let's start with the drone. Has anyone found out who sent the drone after Marcel?
Answer Man: The main suspects are still the Norwegians. However, no arrests have been made despite the circumstantial evidence pointing to them. The Norwegian ski team is loved by most ski fans. It would be a big scandal if one of them was arrested for sending the drone after Marcel.
BB: It certainly would! Are you implying that the FIS is going to cover up the Norwegian team's actions just because they are loved by racing fans?
Answer Man: I'm sure there are other things that the FIS is covering up in order to keep up ski racing's popularity. But my intrepid colleagues and I would have to thoroughly investigate before saying anything to the public. Let's get back to the objects on the race courses.
BB: Good idea. What about the cola bottle? How did it get onto the course? I thought that FIS course slippers are the best.
Answer Man: They are. I talked to the local police, Interpol agents, and even a Russian Border Guard. None of the course workers are suspects, but there are various theories about who put the bottle on the course.
BB: Are you going to tell me or leave our readers in suspense?
Answer Man: The first theory is that it was dropped by a Yeti.
BB: That is rather absurd, even by our standards! Why would a Yeti leave a cola bottle on a race course?
Answer Man: He was thirsty, drank the cola, then tossed the bottle onto the course when he could not find a trash can.
BB: Come on! Yetis don't drink cola. Anyway, the spectators would have noticed a Yeti on the course.
Answer Man: Another theory is that the bottle was dropped by space aliens passing through.
BB: That is as ridiculous as a litter bug Yeti!
Answer Man: Not really. Anna Fenninger  had a falling out with Austrian Federation head Peter Schroecksnadel and was being recruited to compete for the planet Zorkon in the Andromeda Galaxy. Perhaps a Zorkonian space ship was sent to St. Moritz to disrupt the races.
BB: Why would the Zorkonians mess up a male skier when Anna is female? Roland never did anything to them.
Answer Man: Roland is Austrian, just like Anna. Perhaps the Zorkonians were striking back at Austria. From up in the sky, it is difficult to tell if a racer is a man or woman. All the space men could see was a racer in an Austrian speed suit, so they dropped the bottle.
BB: The Andromeda Galaxy is over 2.5 million light years away. How could the Zorkonians have heard about the races in St. Moritz or even about Anna's problems with the Austrian federation?
Answer Man: The Zorkonians could travel in a Tardis. You can travel through time and space in a Tardis and be home in time for dinner.
BB: I see that you have been watching Doctor Who instead of working. No wonder we had so few stories this past season!
Answer Man: You reporters have not exactly been productive either! Who knows if you have really been traveling with The Doctor when you should have been working!
BB: This is my interview, and I ask the questions. So do you think that The Doctor is not really the last of the Time Lords and that the Zorkonians are also Time Lords?
Answer Man: That could account for them getting to Earth from Zorkon so quickly and being able to drop the cola bottle out the Tardis window and onto the race course. But we run into problems with that theory because the spectators would have noticed a blue police call box suddenly materializing on the race piste or near the tribune.
BB: So if it wasn't a Yeti or space aliens, could it also have been somebody, possibly the Norwegians, mistaking Roland for Marcel Hirscher?
Answer Man: That appears to be the most plausible theory. The police are checking the cola bottle for anything that could tie it to the Norwegians. As of now, they have not found anything. Your readers will be the first to know who put the bottle on the course.
BB: Now to Lindsey Vonn's Bad Binding. Last year the Naughty Ninja Stone got her at the Vail World Championships. This year it was her binding releasing in La Thuile.
Answer Man: The way she was leaning, the binding was supposed to come off. Contrary to her belief, the binding did what it was supposed to do. It was only in her mind that the binding behaved badly.
BB: In other words, it was not being a renegade but was doing its job?
Answer Man: Exactly!
BB: Last year the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom was nominated for witch doctor of the year. Do you think the drone, binding, or cola bottle could also be in the running for the Dave Seville Award?
Answer Man: It is possible. The Naughty Ninja Stone set a precedent by being the first inanimate object to be nominated for that prestigious award. I could see either the drone or cola bottle as possible candidates. Stranger things have happened.
BB: Who do you think will be the Witch Doctor of the Year?
Answer Man: I think that either Norway's Dr. Mwafume or Grandma Jansrud will get the award this year. The Norwegians were incredibly successful this season. Dr. Mabongo of Germany has won the past three years, but I don't see him getting it this year. But you never know who or what the judges will vote for.
BB: Like drones, renegade bindings, and alien cola bottles going after the racers. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for another interesting interview. Our readers have learned a lot about how inanimate objects can influence a ski race. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We don't let inanimate objects affect our work.

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