Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Levi Reindeer Rage

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

After over a year of our not-as-intrepid-as-our-original reporters disappearing, we found some new ones. However, they actually worked for real news sources and have journalistic standards. But we had to take what we could get. We sent one of these new reporters to Levi, where there is some strife in the herd which supplies reindeer to the slalom race winners. A photo of Marcel Hirscher's second reindeer, Leo, was posted on social media. Marcel's first reindeer, Ferdinand, was nowhere to be seen afterward.  Rumours abound: did Leo kill Ferdinand, did Ferdinand run away and simply disappear, was he sold to the Norwegians for ojlmsfjaegger, or did something else sinister happen to him? Our not-very-intrepid-compared-to-his-predecessors reporter was sent to Finland to investigate this matter. He was able to score an interview with Matti, the reindeer herder who owns all of the reindeer which the racers in Levi win. Matti appeared with Leo by his side. Let's find out what he has to say....

BB: On what date did Ferdinand disappear from your herd?
Matti: He never disappeared from my herd. In fact, he is alive and very well.
BB: Then he didn't die or run away to Norway?
Matti: No, he is still in my herd.
BB: So he was not murdered, nor did anything else sinister happen to him?
Matti: No, he is very much alive and in perfect health. 
BB: How can you tell if Ferdinand is still in your herd? All of your reindeer look alike to me.
Matti: Not this again! I know every single one of my reindeer and can easily tell them apart. Ferdinand is still in my herd and I have the honour of taking care of him, just like with all of the other reindeer who have been awarded to Levi race winners. 
BB: So why is Leo here with you for our interview and not Ferdinand? Do you like Leo better, or is Ferdinand being punished for something?
Matti: I love all of my reindeer equally. They are my babies! Don't you love your children equally?
BB: Of course I do. Hey, I'm supposed to be the one asking the questions here. Is Ferdinand being punished?
Matti: Of course not! How would I punish a reindeer? 
BB: How would I know? I'm a reporter, not a reindeer herder. You are supposed to know that stuff. What kind of reindeer herder are you if you don't know how to punish a recalcitrant reindeer?
Matti: I happen to be a very good reindeer herder! Otherwise, the FIS would not have entrusted me to take care of the Levi winners' reindeer. What kind of reporter are you for not getting any background information about me or my herd?
BB: I happen to be an excellent reporter! Intrepid too. And I ask the questions because I am the reporter and you answer them because you are the reindeer herder. Now that that's settled, why is Ferdinand with the rest of the herd and not with you and Leo now?
Suddenly Leo starts making a lot of noises. Matti turns his attention to Leo.
Matti: Really? No! That can't be!
BB: What is he saying? 
Matti: Leo said that after his photo was posted on social media, Ferdinand drew a stick figure reindeer and wrote, "Leo is a poopy head" on a tree. 
BB: Wait a minute! How do I know you're not making this up?
Matti: Just like a parent knows what a baby who can't talk yet is saying, I know what my reindeer are telling me. They are my babies. And they all get along very well with each other. 
BB: But a reindeer drawing a picture and writing on a tree? Why don't we bring Ferdinand here to get his side of the story?
(there is a break in the interview while Matti fetches Ferdinand)
BB: Are you really Ferdinand, or another reindeer that Matti picked out of the herd to fool me since I wouldn't know the difference?
Matti: Of course this is Ferdinand! I am offended that you are questioning my honesty. My reindeer are my babies and I can tell which one is Ferdinand. 
BB: Ferdinand, did you draw a picture of a reindeer and write, "Leo is a poopy head" on a tree?
Ferdinand (speaking though Matti): Of course not! How can I draw pictures or write? I have hooves, not fingers! How can I hold a pencil with a hoof? Leo is delusional.
Leo: I am not! You just hate me because I am younger and cuter than you. 
Ferdinand: You are just jealous because Tanja likes me better than you. She likes age and experience over youth and immaturity.
BB: Who is Tanja?
Matti: One of my other reindeer. 
Leo: Do you know what else Ferdinand did? He put a copy of 365 Ways to Cook Reindeer in my special sleeping spot.
Ferdinand: How could I put a book where you like to sleep? First of all, I would have to leave the herd, go into town, buy a book, bring it back, and put it in Leo's sleeping spot. I would think that Matti would notice if I was missing. Secondly, that sounds like something that Henrik Kristoffersen would do. Anyway, I am a reindeer and cannot read. 
BB: You seem to be rather intelligent, so maybe you really can read but you're holding back because you don't want to appear intellectually superior to your herd mates. 
Matti: Reindeer can't read. Anyway, if Ferdinand could read, he would be wearing glasses so that he would look smarter than the others. As we can see, he is not wearing glasses. Ergo, he cannot read. 
BB: Right. Unless--
Leo: Then how do you explain the letter that I received with Grandma Jansrud's recipe for ojlmsfjaegger*? Ferdinand is the only one who would think to do such a thing. He has been trying to get rid of me since my photo was posted on Facebook. 
Matti: What is going on here? My reindeer have always gotten along well. And when did they learn to read?
BB: I'll tell you what else is happening here--
Ferdinand: OK! I confess! Yes I drew the picture, put the book in Leo's sleeping spot, and sent the letter with the ojlmsfjaegger recipe. And I can read, as can Leo. Do you want to know why I did those things? I need ski racing fans to realise that I still exist. Leo is not Marcel Hirscher's only reindeer. I was his reindeer first. Leo, you better watch out! You may be the young and cute one now, but if Marcel wins another reindeer this weekend, you will be yesterday's news. Look at what happened to Lindsey Vonn's dogs Leo and Bear after she got Lucy. She stashed them away somewhere in Colorado and only takes Lucy everywhere she goes. Leo and Bear could have run away or died, but nobody would notice or care.
BB: What about Mikaela Shiffrin's reindeer Rudolph and Sven? Wouldn't they have the same issues as you two?
Ferdinand: No. Rudolph and Sven are ordinary reindeer and don't know how to read or write. If Mikaela won a third reindeer, Rudolph and Sven would get along fine with him, unless they all fight over a female. Then all bets are off. 
BB: You not only have reindeer who can read, but you seem to have the world's only psychotic reindeer, although he does have a point with Lindsey Vonn's dogs. You really need to find a family therapist who specialises in reindeer herds.
Matti: I don't think they have family therapists for reindeer. They are just for people.
BB: Then I suggest you find a good human family therapist who will take your reindeer too. You will need one, especially if Marcel Hirscher wins again in Levi. Two reindeer who can read, one of which is psychotic, will be a deadly combination going after a third reindeer. Good luck getting your herd back in order. You will need it. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters can read, but they are not psychotic.

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* For our newer readers, ojlmsfjaegger are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce. They are eaten in Norway on birthdays.

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