A Boston BlickBild Exclusive Interview
The Boston BlickBild was given the right to an exclusive interview with US skiing star Lindsey “Voldemorta” Vonn. Here is the entire interview, which we know will interest our readers:
BB: We are honored that you have graced us with your presence and consented to this interview.
LV: Of course you’re honored. Everyone is honored to be in my presence.
BB: Right. How could I forget this? Tell our readers why you have the nickname “Voldemorta.”
LV: Lord Voldemort was the most powerful wizard in the Harry Potter series. Since I’m the most powerful skier on the World Cup circuit, and play a lot of mind games with my opposition, I am just like Lord Voldemort. None of the other ladies on the World Cup can match my power.
BB: I see. You also have the nickname of “Speed Queen” because of your dominance in speed events. How does it feel to have the same name as a washing machine?
LV: Speed Queen is a washing machine? That firm can’t use the name “Speed Queen” because it’s MY nickname. I deserved that name because I win so many speed races, which are the only real races. Slaloms and giant slaloms are for wimps. Does a washing machine win races? I don’t think so. After this interview I’m going to hire a legal team to get that firm to change the name of its washing machines.
BB: But the Speed Queen firm has been in business for many years before you were born. Why should it change its name?
LV: Because it’s my wish and I always get what I want. When the Speed Queen president finds out who wants him to change the name, he will happily do it.
BB: Okay. At the 2010 Olympics you were favored to win all 5 gold medals, but only came away with one gold and one bronze medal. You failed to finish 3 races. Tell our readers about your Olympic experience.
LV: I would have won the gold in the Super-G race, but the Austrians conspired against me from the beginning. Andrea Fischbacher’s coach set the course for that race. He came out and said that he wanted to “Vonn-proof” the course. Andrea won the gold medal. Doesn’t that seem like an Austrian conspiracy to you when the Austrian gold medalist’s coach sets the course? It does to me.
BB: Tell our readers why you brought your downhill race gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony, when you won a bronze medal in that race.
LV: I wanted to show Andrea Fischbacher and the rest of the Austrians that I’m still a gold medalist despite their conspiring against me. And I also wanted to show Andrea that I’m really better than her. Who has won more races since the 2010 Olympics, Andrea or me? I think you know the answer.
BB: Don’t we all. You had a running feud with teammate Julia Mancuso at the 2010 Olympics. Can you explain what started it?
LV: That’s easy. Julia started wanting attention and she tried to upstage me. I was the top dog on the team and she was challenging my authority. But I put her back in her place. Now that she knows her place, we are friends. But if she starts getting uppity again, she won’t be my friend anymore.
BB: Speaking of friends, Maria Hoefl-Riesch was your best friend until two seasons ago. What caused the falling out between you and Maria?
LV: Maria had the nerve to be better than me that season. Who would deliberately cause her best friend to lose the World Cup overall globe by only 3 points? I could have won 4 overall titles in a row if it wasn’t for Maria. How could I possibly be friends with someone who treats her best friend that way? If she treats her good friends this way, I can’t imagine how she would treat her enemies. I thought that Maria would have been sympathetic and let me have her globe, but she didn’t. I will never forgive her for that. She will never be my friend again because she doesn’t know her place. Look at her this season. She is ahead of me in the overall standings so far. I’m going to make a voodoo doll of her and stick pins in it so that she has pains in her legs and can’t beat me. Of course her pains won’t be as bad as the ones that I am feeling in my belly.
BB: You referred to the cancellation of the final giant slalom race in Lenzerheide in 2011 as a “catastrophe.” In light of the devastating earthquake, tsunami, and threat of nuclear meltdown in Japan which killed tens of thousands, couldn’t you have chosen a better word? What happened in Japan was a catastrophe. What happened in Lenzerheide was a disappointment.
LV: You are wrong. What happened in Lenzerheide was a major catastrophe. The Japanese are used to earthquakes, tsunamis, and volcanic eruptions so the earthquake really wasn’t a catastrophe. But I am not used to losing anything, especially the World Cup overall globe. It was a very painful experience for me. I still don’t think that I am completely over it. Let’s change the subject because I’m too devastated to talk about it.
BB: Your goals for this season are to win all 5 globes and to tie or break Hermann Maier’s record of 2000 points. You came up short by 20 points last season, but you’re determined to try for it again this season. Please explain how you plan to win all 5 globes and get 2000 points when you missed 2 slalom races, you had poor results in GS, and you failed to finish a combined race.
LV: That’s very easy. I have endured a lot of pain over the past year. First I got divorced. You can’t imagine how that felt. I’m still lonely and looking for a new man in my life because I never realized that a divorce could feel so bad. Then I had tax problems because I trusted the wrong people to do them for me. Never mind that they did my taxes for the previous 10 years and never had a mistake. Now I have had bad tummy aches, which are making me weak. The other ladies will feel sorry for me and donate their points to me so that I get 2000. If I fail to win a discipline globe on my own, the winner will give her globe to me as a tribute to my pain and suffering.
BB: Have you found a new man in your life?
LV: Not yet. I want a man with the following qualifications: He must be athletic, intelligent, sensitive, accepting of being in the background while I bask in the spotlight, and light must flash off of his teeth when he smiles. I can’t imagine that finding a man with all of those qualifications could be so hard. You’d think they would all be flocking to me, but they’re not. I have to resort to teaching Roger Federer’s little brats, I mean daughters, how to ski. What a chore!
BB: Going back to getting 2000 points this season. How will you feel if Tina Maze ends up being the first female skier to break 2000 points instead of you?
LV (shrieking): That will never happen!!!!! Never!!! Never!!! Never!!!!!!!!! That horrid witch Tina Maze needs to go back to Slovenia, or Slovakia, or whatever little European country she’s from. All of those little European countries are alike. I hope she dies alone, preferably in a swamp where she can sink into the quicksand. How dare she be better than me this season!
BB: This is a good time to bring up the incident in St. Moritz where you supposedly said, “Fuck you, Maze!” when you crossed the finish line of the Super G and saw that you beat her. Did you really say such a thing?
LV: Those who are my friends know I would never say such a thing. Here is the real story. My cousin, Chuck U. Mozday, is dying of cancer. But I have still suffered more than Cousin Chuck, even with his three rounds of chemotherapy. Anyway, one of Chuck’s dying wishes was for me to shout out his name when I crossed the finish line of a race that I won. I shouted out, “Chuck U. Mozday!” Anyone who speaks English can hear the difference between “Fuck you, Maze” and “Chuck U. Mozday.” Why don’t those Slovenians learn to speak better English?
BB: There was some controversy over the course setting for the GS in Ofterschwang last season. The US coach set the course very straight, more like a Super-G, due to instructions from your personal coach. What is your opinion?
LV: First of all, nobody complained at the Olympics when Andrea Fischbacher won a gold medal after her coach set the course. But of course my coach should have an influence on how the course was set. He must follow my wishes or he will be fired. Anyway, my goal last season was to win the giant slalom globe. But that little upstart Viktoria Rebensburg obviously never got the word that the GS globe was supposed to be mine. My coach and I had to do something to stop her. Even with that course setting, Viktoria ended up winning the race and getting the globe.
BB: So I assume that Viktoria is not your friend?
LV: That’s right! Viktoria will never be my friend because she took something that was rightfully mine. May she be covered in chocolate sauce and then set down in a colony of hungry fire ants!
BB: You are on track to break Annemarie Moser-Proell’s record of 62 wins this season. Did you ever think that you would ever achieve such a feat?
LV: Of course I knew I would break Annemarie’s record. It is my destiny to be the best ever. After I break Annemarie’s record, then I’m going to stay on until I break Ingemar Stenmark’s record of 86 wins. Records are very important to me because they are my legacy. In fact, the only things I have in my life are my trophies, my globes, and my records. Without them, I am nothing. All of my records are what keep me warm at night because I can’t get a man and I’m so lonely. If you know a good man, please send him my way.
BB: How would you feel if someone like ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin broke all of your records?
At 17 she already has two World Cup podiums.
LV: Mikaela will never break my records. I will have a hit man shoot her in the kneecaps if she starts getting close to my records. She will never take my legacy away from me.
BB: You were off of skis for 10 days this season due to illness and said that it was such a long time. What would you say to skiers like Dani Albrecht, Hans Grugger, Beat Feuz, Chemmy Alcott, Benni Raich, Suzanne Riesch, and others who had more severe injuries than a belly ache? They were obviously off of skis for more than 10 days.
LV: First of all, the pain of those people you mentioned doesn’t compare to mine. Did you ever have a tummy ache? They can be very painful. In fact, this tummy ache I had caused the worst pain I ever had in my life. It was a 25 on a scale of 1 to 10. I bet that those skiers you mentioned didn’t have such severe pain from their injuries.
BB: One more thing before we conclude this interview. You expressed the desire to compete against men in Lake Louise because of your strong performances there. But the FIS said that you could either be a forerunner for a men’s race there or do a fun race that’s scheduled for December 2013. Are you still seeking legal action against the FIS?
LV: First of all, the place in Canada is called, “Lake Lindsey” and not Lake Louise. And you bet that I’m taking legal action against the FIS. I can’t believe that the FIS won’t bend to my wishes. It has always been my desire to compete against men because I beat boys in ski races when I was 8 years old. I know that I can be competitive against them as long as I choose the venue and have my coach set the course. The people at the FIS are sexist and behind the times. A fun race or forerunning is not good enough for me. It must be a real race against real men in their prime. And I will beat the pants off of them! I will sue the FIS for the mental pain and suffering that I am going through because those big poopy-heads won’t let me do what I want. They will quickly learn that whatever I want I get. I am also planning to sue the FIS for mental anguish caused by them cancelling the last race in Lenzerheide in 2011. It was so unfair that they cancelled the Super-G, which is my best event. Then they cancelled the final giant slalom after Maria, may she rot in Hell, pulled ahead of me by 3 points after the slalom. It was obviously an FIS conspiracy to prevent me from winning 4 globes in a row. Just thinking about it gives me a tummy ache. I will also take legal action against the FIS for two more things. The first is the schedule. There are more technical races than speed ones. It should be the other way around so that I’m guaranteed to win the overall globe. The other suit involves the timing of the races. I had to do 3 races in Lake Lindsey, then 3 in St. Moritz. Then there will be 3 more in France followed by two in Are. Doesn’t the FIS realize that I am a sick woman and need to rest to regain my strength between races? The FIS will pay dearly for everything it has done to me!
BB: Thank you for your time and for your insights into the world of Alpine ski racing. You have a very unique perspective and we were honored that you took the time for this interview.
LV: Of course you were honored. An interview with me is the biggest honor of all, except for winning another overall globe and setting more records.
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