Saturday, January 19, 2013

New Legal Action from Skier Lindsey Vonn (and more)

A Boston Blickbild exclusive interview

Nothing gets in the way of our reporters getting the stories that interest our readers. The Blickbild was chosen by US skiing superstar Lindsey Vonn, not once, but twice as one of the few news sources to whom she will speak. We are privileged to bring you the latest from Ms. Vonn.

BB: Tell us how it feels to come back to competing on the World Cup circuit after a short absence.
LV: First of all, four weeks is not a short break. It seemed like an eternity. I’m so happy to be back and feel so strong and fit.
BB: When I think of racers taking long breaks, I tend to think of skiers like Manuel Osborne-Paradis, Daniel Albrecht, Suzi Riesch, and Chemmy Alcott. Your time away from racing was much shorter than theirs.
LV: I can’t help it if others are such wimps that they can’t get out of bed and onto skis with a broken leg, torn ligaments, or after being put into a coma. Maybe they should be more careful. I never had such severe injuries. Even with my belly ache and depression, which are the worst things ever, I was able to get back onto my skis quickly.
BB: Anyway, how do you feel after your comeback in St. Anton last weekend?
LV: I feel great and satisfied with my performances in both races. I was so lucky to finish as high as I did. It feels so good to be back racing. I feel stronger and fitter than ever. I felt like I improved from Saturday to Sunday. After all, I went from 6th place on Saturday to 4th place on Sunday.
BB: On Saturday you finished 0.34 seconds out of first place, yet on Sunday you were exactly one second behind Tina Maze. How is that an improvement?
LV: Fourth place is better than sixth. Duh!
BB: Tell our readers how you really felt in St. Anton.
LV: Okay. First of all, Alice had the nerve to be better than me. She is supposed to be one of the subordinate members of the team and she dared to win the race. Laurenne also had the gall to finish ahead of me. Who does she think she is? Then in the Super-G Tina, Anna, and Fabienne evidently never got the memo that said that I could start at the Super-G start while everyone else had to start at the higher downhill start so that I would be guaranteed victory.  Then to add insult to injury, Fabienne stole a podium spot from me by 0.01 seconds. I should have been on the podium instead of Fabienne. She will never be my friend.
BB: Who do you think will win in Cortina?
LV: Why me of course! I will be back to full strength in Cortina and will show everyone what I can really do. Nobody will be able to beat me in Cortina! I am so happy to be back competing. I missed my colleagues so much.
BB: Speaking of colleagues, you were in the team photo with Alice McKennis after her maiden win last Saturday. Does this mean you are becoming closer to your teammates?
LV: Uh…no. I just got into that photo because I didn’t win the race and it was my only opportunity to get into a photo with a first place award in it. I didn’t have my Olympic gold medal with me, which would have been perfect for the occasion. I’ll have to remember to have it with me the next time I lose a race. I didn’t bring it to St. Anton because I didn’t expect to lose.
BB: What is your relationship with current overall World Cup leader Tina Maze? Have you patched up things since the “Fuck you, Maze” misunderstanding?
LV: Tina is a great competitor and this is her year. She is really running away with the cup now, isn’t she? I’m so happy for her being part of an elite group of women who have won races in every discipline.  I even congratulated her on her win Sunday. There was a TV camera in the area, so of course I had to do it.
BB: Tina is on track to break 2000 points this season. How would that make you feel if she became the first woman to do it?
LV: Do we have to talk about this? I will become too depressed and devastated to carry on with this interview.
BB: Fair enough.  Please tell our readers how you really feel about Tina.
LV: She is the epitome of evil! She knows that I had a stomach ache and felt sad and yet she continues to rack up the points and pull even further ahead of me in the overall standings. She should be burned at the stake and the ashes thrown into a cesspool! If we’re not allowed to burn witches anymore, then she should take a bath in strong acid. She really needs to have both of her legs amputated above the knees!
If there was justice in the world, then Tina would die a slow painful death. But I’m so happy now.
BB: Yes, I can tell that you are very happy. I bet that you are also happy for your best friend, Maria Hoefl-Riesch, being second in the overall standings.
LV: Maria will never be a winner because she lets me get inside her head. I’m good at that, aren’t I? I’m very happy that Maria isn’t leading the overall standings after what she did to me two seasons ago. Some things just can’t be forgotten or forgiven.
BB: Your young teammate Mikaela Shiffrin said that sometimes you give her tips. But she also said that you are very busy and she doesn’t like to bother you.
LV: Mikaela is a very smart girl and will go far. She has already learned who the queen bee on the US team is. We queen bees don’t have time to be bothered mentoring the younger members.  I am a very busy person between looking out for myself and my performances and all of my red carpet appearances. Nobody was there to help me when I was 17. Mikaela has to sink or swim like I had to. But if she ever comes close to breaking my records, she will be very sorry.
BB: Tell our readers about your progress with the FIS in your battle to compete with men.
LV: I really want to compete against men because the women are so boring. Also, most of the women on the World Cup circuit don’t like me. I just don’t understand why. Maybe the men will like me better. Anyway, competing with men will be a new challenge.
BB: How is your sex discrimination lawsuit against the FIS proceeding?
LV: When I was home during my break, I talked to my father. Daddy is a lawyer and can give me good advice. But it turned out that I was suing the wrong people. It’s not the FIS’s fault that I was born a woman. It was my father’s. I have now hired a different lawyer, have dropped my suit against the FIS, and am now suing my father for wrongful ejaculation.
BB: Wrongful ejaculation? I never heard of that before.
LV: Let me explain it…Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. They decided that they wanted to have a baby. Unfortunately, Daddy was the one who had the sperm with the X chromosome that fertilized Mommy’s egg. If he had done things differently, I would have been a man. Then I wouldn’t be stuck with all of these silly women who have nothing to do but create drama. Every time I’m around at the races, there always seems to be drama with the women.
BB: How does your father feel about being sued for you being born female?
LV: Daddy has no say in the matter. He wouldn’t talk to me when I was married to Thomas. He only wanted me in his life after I got divorced. But he should pay for me being born a woman and not being able to race against men. I have dreamed about racing against men since I strapped on my first set of skis and my father took that away from me because he gave me an X chromosome instead of a Y. He should pay for what he did. Part of the reason for my depression and stomach aches were from the anguish caused by my father giving me the wrong genetic makeup. I’m very happy with the progress that my lawyer is making, almost as happy as I am to be back competing at my current level of fitness and strength.
BB: We’re very happy that the Blickbild is one of the few media outlets that you will talk to. As usual, it was a real privilege to talk to you. Good luck in Cortina!
LV: I don’t need luck. I just need to make sure that the wind won’t blow during my run and I’ll win by 5 seconds because I’m so happy, strong, and fit. The next interview with you will be from the top stand of the podium in Cortina.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that even the tabloids won’t print.

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