Thursday, March 14, 2013

FIS Talks Break Down; War Looms With Slovenia

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 The talks between Lindsey Vonn's father Alan Kildow and the International Ski Federation (FIS) have broken down. In order to avoid going to war with the country of Slovenia, Kildow and the FIS were negotiating with the other women in the World Cup to give their points and globes to his daughter. Slovenian skier Tina Maze is insisting on keeping her points and globes from this season. Both sides appear to be at an impasse. Vonn, with her father Alan Kildow as her attorney, just filed a motion at the Vail County Courthouse to sue the nation of Slovenia for loss of legacy and mental anguish. One of our intrepid reporters was immediately sent to Vail to cover this story and was able to interview Lindsey's sister Karin Kildow and also Slovenian Ski Association president Primoz Ulaga.

BB: Ms. Kildow, I will start with you. (pulling out a map of Europe)  Can you show me where Slovenia is located?
Kildow: (looking at the map) I know it's in Europe....I think it's around here somewhere (points in the area of Armenia, Azerbaijan and Georgia), but I can't seem to find it.........Maybe it doesn't really exist...................Is this a trick question?
BB: Evidently it is for you and your family, but for the rest of the world it isn't.  Slovenia really exists and I'm sure that Mr. Ulaga can find it. (shows map to Mr. Ulaga)
Ulaga: (rolling his eyes) It's right here! (points to Slovenia)
Kildow: Wow, you found it so quickly! How did you do that? (Mr. Ulaga just shakes his head)
BB: Okay. Ms. Kildow, you are the third person in your family who could not find Slovenia. You were not even sure that Slovenia really existed until Mr. Ulaga pointed it out to you. How can your family sue a country that they cannot even find on a map or don't believe is a real place?
Kildow: Daddy says it's our right to sue anyone we want to because we are Americans. It doesn't matter if the people we're suing are real or on TV or in the movies.
BB: I see. Tell us how Lindsey is doing now. I am sure she is overjoyed at winning the downhill globe because of the final downhill being cancelled due to heavy fog.
Kildow: She is on Tiger Woods' yacht and is having a good time. Of course she is happy about winning the downhill globe. Safety is very important to her. If races had to be cancelled because of bad weather, then the conditions were obviously unsafe. Anyway, this is cosmic payback for what happened to Lindsey in Lenzerheide two years ago, when she lost the overall globe because of race cancellations. The ski gods finally have their revenge!
BB: Since Lindsey had the experience of losing a title by a small margin due to race cancellations, I would have thought that she would be sympathetic and show some empathy toward Tina Maze. But her tweet from Tiger's yacht was very arrogant and "in your face." 
Kildow: Of course Lindsey would not have any sympathy for Tina because Tina was better than her all season. Would you be sympathetic toward your opponents?
BB: Some athletes are actually good sports and are complimentary toward their competitors. Aksel Lund Svindal and Ted Ligety come to mind as being great athletes who respect the opposition. Lindsey obviously does not fall into that category.  (pause) Tell our readers what happened today at the courthouse.
Kildow: Daddy filed some papers with the court. Lindsey is going to sue Slovenia for the following things: mental anguish, loss of records and legacy, and for pain and suffering due to depression and belly aches.
BB: Let's start with the loss of records and legacy. Aren't records meant to be broken?
Kildow: Maybe for ordinary athletes, but Lindsey is special. Her records and legacy are the most important things in the world to her. Without them, she is nobody. People in the States don't care about skiing, so Lindsey is using her records and legacy to promote the sport. But when someone breaks Lindsey's records, then she is no longer the best and nobody will want her on their talk shows. Tina took away Lindsey's legacy of having the most points by a woman, the biggest margin of victory, and the most podium places in a season.
BB: Lindsey never held the record for most podium finishes in a season. Our intrepid researchers learned that both Hanni Wenzel and Pernilla Wiberg had that record before Tina Maze broke it.  Wenzel is from Liechtenstein and Wiberg from Sweden. They have no connection to Slovenia. 
Kildow: Well Lindsey should have had the record for most podium finishes in a season but Tina has it instead.  Hanni Wenzel and Pernilla Wiberg competed before Lindsey's time, so they didn't contribute to her suffering. Tina is the biggest reason that Lindsey suffered so much this season and she's from Slovenia. I would imagine that Tina's parents and the rest of her family are also from Slovenia. I bet most of her friends are from Slovenia too. The rest of the country is guilty by association.
BB: Tell our readers about Lindsey's mental anguish. I'm sure that she is feeling a lot better now that she has the downhill globe. 
Kildow: No she isn't. Lindsey wants all the globes, just like she planned at the beginning of the season.  Lindsey also wants Tina's points so that she will have the record for points in a season. Lindsey was supposed to be the first woman to earn 2000 points in a season. Tina's refusal to give Lindsey her points is making her depressed.
BB: Which is why she is hanging out on Tiger Woods' yacht. She can't be experiencing too much pain, suffering, and depression on a luxury yacht. 
Kildow: Tina doing so well this season was one of the main causes of Lindsey's belly aches and depression. You can't imagine how painful Lindsey's belly aches were! She was suffering so much from them. Nobody is supposed to be better than Lindsey and Tina was. She must be taught a lesson.  I think that suing Slovenia sends the message that nobody messes with Lindsey and gets away with it.
BB: Tell our readers what Lindsey is planning to achieve through suing Slovenia.
Kildow: She will get all of the records that she is entitled to and her legacy will be intact. Tina Maze will also realize who the real World Cup champion is and be put back in her place. The people in Slovenia will also realize that Tina is a big disgrace and disown her after they have to pay for what they did to my sister. If nobody in Slovenia wants to compensate Lindsey for her traumatic season, then we will declare war!
BB: Let's say that a judge doesn't laugh Lindsey out of his courtroom and allows this suit against Slovenia to proceed. But after all of the evidence is presented, you still lose your case. What will you do then?
Kildow: We won't lose. Lindsey never loses.
BB: I see. Mr. Ulaga, what do you think of Lindsey Vonn's lawsuit against Slovenia?
Ulaga: Everyone in Slovenia thinks it is a big joke, especially since nobody in the Kildow family can even find my country.
BB: Is Slovenia planning to counter-sue Vonn? After all Lindsey got the downhill globe because of a race cancellation. Tina wanted to win all 5 globes going into the finals. 
Ulaga: It's ridiculous that Ms. Vonn is suing my country. Why would we sue her back? That is an even crazier idea than her suing Slovenia. I think the judge will throw the case out.
BB: Do your countrymen want Tina to give her points and globes to Lindsey so that she feels better and drops her lawsuit?
Ulaga: Hell no! Lindsey is just another skier from the States who happened to win an Olympic gold medal. But Tina is a national heroine in Slovenia. The whole country is behind Tina and will support her quest to keep her points and globes.
BB: Let's say that Lindsey wins her case against Slovenia. Do you really think it's worth going to war with the powerful USA because Slovenia wouldn't be able to pay the judgement? Wouldn't everyone benefit from just letting Lindsey have all of Tina's points and globes?
Ulaga: Yes, going to war would be worth it. Slovenia may be a small country, but we will not be pushed around by a big bully. If Lindsey really feels that bad, she should take an anti-depressant or take up yoga or jogging.
BB: Wouldn't the Slovenian people feel guilty if the wrong country gets bombed because nobody can find Slovenia?
Ulaga: It is really the fault of my countrymen that Americans can't read a map?
Kildow: Reading maps of Europe is hard! There are so many little countries. It's a wonder that people there don't get lost all the time. I was always getting lost when I was in Europe with Lindsey because the signs are all in foreign languages that nobody can understand.
BB: Oh those crazy Europeans and their foreign languages! Anyway, Mr. Ulaga, don't you or the Slovenian people feel the least bit sorry for Lindsey because of her belly aches, depression, divorce, tax problems, and knee injury?
Ulaga: No. She brought those problems on herself. If she were nicer, maybe we would feel differently.
Kildow: Lindsey is very nice! Tina is the unfriendly one in this situation. If Tina were as nice as Lindsey, she would give in and let Lindsey have her points and globes. Now I understand why Daddy couldn't make any progress with the FIS. You Slovenians are not very nice people.
BB: Ms. Kildow, is that really wise to judge a whole country by the behavior of a couple of its people? 
Kildow: Yes. Mr. Ulaga thinks that he's Mr. Smarty Pants because he found Slovenia on your map. And Tina is very mean because she won't give Lindsey her points and globes. I bet that Maria would give Lindsey her points and globes if she were asked to. Maria is a true friend!
Ulaga: If Lindsey really wants 2000 points and all five globes, let her earn them the old fashioned way next season. It was bad enough that Tina had to give Lindsey all of her medals from Schladming.
Kildow: Lindsey deserved those medals because she got hurt. It was very unsafe in Schladming.
BB: Assuming the judge who reads your father's motion for a lawsuit against Slovenia decides to proceed to a trial, when would the proceedings begin?
Kildow: I don't know. But Daddy said that he only needs a week to prepare a winning case.
BB: Of course he does.  I would like each of you to tell our readers why you think you will prevail if this suit gets approved. Ms. Kildow, you go first.
Kildow: We will win because everyone knows that Lindsey is entitled to every skiing record. During the trial she will also go on the talk shows to get sympathy for her plight. When people hear her story, they will be on her side.
Ulaga: Tina earned her records, points, and globes on her own. She also has the power of all 2 million of her countrymen supporting her in her fight to keep her globes and points. The rest of the world is also behind Tina.
BB: What do you think is the possibility of the USA going to war with Slovenia if this case does not go to trial?
Ulaga: It won't come down to that. I think that most people in the States think that this lawsuit is a joke.
Kildow: It is not a joke! It is very serious! You'll see how serious it is when your capital city of Moscow gets bombed into oblivion.
Ulaga: Moscow is the capital of Russia. Slovenia's capital is Ljubljana.
Kildow: There you go again, thinking that you're smarter than everyone else. No wonder Lindsey wants to sue your country. Nobody likes intellectual snobs like you. If everyone in your country is nerdy like you, we are in trouble!
BB: Let's save the arguments for the courtroom and hope that it doesn't come down to full-scale war. I want to thank both of you for your time. The Blickbild will have a reporter in Vail to keep its readers updated on all of the proceedings in Vonn versus Slovenia. And that concludes another exclusive Boston Blickbild interview. 

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