Monday, March 4, 2013

Vonn To Proceed With Lawsuit Against Slovenia

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

First of all, the Blickbild wants to wish US skier Alice McKennis a full recovery from the injury she incurred on Saturday. Secondly, we want to congratulate Tina Maze on breaking the 2000 point barrier on Saturday and establishing a new season points record. We won't talk about Tina's record because the others have already done so. Instead, we will present our unique perspective on the records that Tina has set so far this season. Last year Lindsey Vonn's goal was to break 2000 points in a season and she came up 20 points short. Lindsey has been silent since Saturday about Tina. But one of our intrepid reporters was granted an exclusive interview with Lindsey's father Alan Kildow. Let's find out what Papa Kildow has to say.

BB: How is Lindsey doing now?
Kildow: Her recovery is ahead of schedule. She thought that she would have to wait until the end of September to run the Berlin Marathon. But her recovery is going so well, she plans to run the Boston Marathon at the end of next month.
BB: How does she plan to qualify for Boston? In her age and sex division, she needs to run a prior marathon in 3 hours and 35 minutes or less. She has never run a marathon before. It takes about a month to fully recover from a marathon.
Kildow: She is Lindsey Vonn and can go from being a total non-runner to running 26.2 miles (that's 42.2 km for our European readers) in a week, even with torn ligaments and a fractured leg bone. But she won't need to run a marathon before Boston because the organizers will grant her a special exemption to compete.  They are also very impressed with her recovery, just like everyone else in the USA. She will not only win the women's division, she will be the overall winner! 
BB: I see. Good luck to her. (pause) Tina Maze went over 2000 points on Saturday. How does Lindsey feel about Tina's record-breaking accomplishment?
Kildow: Lindsey wants to thank all of her fans for their support after she was injured. Laura has also been by Lindsey's side and has been a great support to her older sister.
BB: Mr. Kildow, please tell our readers how Lindsey really feels. Remember, this is the Blickbild and not the others.
Kildow: I never noticed before when Lindsey was depressed. But now it's very obvious. She has refused to come out of her room or eat. Laura told me that Lindsey has a very red face and smoke is coming out of her ears. Lindsey wails endlessly about how Tina took her rightful legacy from her. As I'm sure you know, records are very important to Lindsey. When someone breaks one of her records, like Tina did, it makes her very angry and depressed. It even gives her stomach aches. We were worried that Lindsey was going to kill  herself on Saturday and we still  make sure that someone is with her at all times. Tina not only broke Lindsey's points record, she also broke her record for biggest margin of victory in the overall standings. I'm sure you can imagine how this makes her feel.
BB: Not really. Most athletes compete in a sport because they love it, not because they want to establish a legacy or break records.
Kildow: (raising his voice) But most athletes aren't Lindsey Vonn! Lindsey knows that she must win or she is nothing! Nobody remembers who is second! That is why Lindsey must be the number one all-time ski racer. Being the best American skier isn't good enough for her.
BB: Now I understand why Lindsey is making the rounds of the talk shows between her training sessions in the gym.
Kildow: That's right. She may have slipped down to number two in the all-time season points standings, but she is number one on TV and in the newspapers. I bet Tina Maze doesn't get the same TV ratings in Slovenia as Lindsey gets in the US.
BB: You might be surprised. Tina is a national heroine in Slovenia. Speaking of Slovenia, Laura mentioned in a previous Blickbild interview that you plan to sue that country. As a lawyer, do you really think you have a basis for suing an entire country for your daughter's loss of records and legacy? 
Kildow: In America we can sue anybody for anything. If Lindsey wants to sue Slovenia, she has every right to do so.
BB: Fair enough. But Slovenia is a country of 2 million people, very few of whom are actually related to Tina.
Kildow: That's where your not-so-intrepid research team is wrong. In a small country like Slovenia, everyone is related.
BB: Our intrepid research team never makes mistakes! We have the most intrepid reporters and researchers in the business! (calms down and pulls out a map of Europe)  Can you show me where Slovenia is located?
Kildow: That's easy! (pointing to Slovakia). It's right here.
BB: I see that being geographically challenged runs in the Kildow family. Mr. Kildow, that's actually Slovakia and not Slovenia. At least you were closer than Laura was when she tried to find Slovenia on a map. She thought that Estonia was Slovenia.
Kildow: All of those little European countries are alike. I can see how Laura got confused.
BB: Anyway, will you be representing Lindsey in her suit against Slovenia?
Kildow: Yes. My research team found several precedents for suing a country. We are demanding $1,000,000 from every man, woman, and child in Slovenia. The country that caused Lindsey so much pain and suffering will pay for what it did to my precious daughter.
BB: That's an awful lot for a country with a per capita income of just under $23,000. Lindsey already got Tina's medals from Schladming. (see this story) She set a record for most medals in a World Championship that will never be broken. Isn't that a good enough legacy?
Kildow: No! Tina took what was rightfully Lindsey's. Now when people mention the skier with the most points in a season, it will be Tina instead of Lindsey. Tina also has the most podium finishes in a season for a woman and can possibly win all 5 globes. Lindsey is the speed queen, but Tina is on the verge of even stealing Lindsey's downhill globe. Before this season started, Lindsey had two goals. One was to get 2000 points. The other was to win all 5 World Cup crystal globes. Because of Tina, Lindsey could not fulfill those goals. The way it's going, she won't win any globes this season. No wonder she is so depressed!
BB: Will young US skier Mikaela Shiffrin also be included in Lindsey's suit? Mikaela is currently leading the slalom standings. She also prevented Lindsey from winning the slalom globe.
Kildow: We cannot sue Mikaela because she is a minor. But we are thinking about suing her parents for being the ones who produced her. Our other option is to wait until Mikaela turns 18 and then sue her. But first we will concentrate on the Slovenia lawsuit before taking any action against the Shiffrins.
BB: Will the trial be held in the USA, Slovenia, or a neutral country?
Kildow: We have a better chance of winning if the trial is held in the US. For some reason, a lot of Europeans don't seem to like Lindsey. It will be hard to find an unbiased jury in Europe. If we can get a jury of 18 to 25-year-old men, we will win easily.
BB: That's probably a good idea to hold the trial in the States. Otherwise, there would be a good chance that the trial would be held in the wrong country since nobody in your family can find Slovenia on a map.
Kildow: I think that Lindsey's fellow Americans will be sympathetic, especially when we bring up her knee injury, stomach aches, and depression. It will really tug at the jury's heartstrings. Even the most macho man will cry after hearing about how Tina stole my baby's legacy. We can make Tina into a real villain because she is a Communist who is from a country on the other side of the Iron Curtain.
BB: Actually, Slovenia was part of the former Yugoslavia, which was a non-aligned nation. If the trial goes forward, how do you expect to get the money from Slovenia?
Kildow: The US will send in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to conquer and occupy Slovenia until the debt is paid. We will bomb them back to the Stone Age! That will teach those Slovenians, or whatever they call themselves, to mess with my daughter and her legacy. It should be easy to conquer Slovenia because we have more people in the military than Slovenia's total population.
BB: Is there any possibility of settling out of court before sending the Marines to conquer Slovenia?
Kildow: We are currently engaged in talks with the International Ski Federation, or FIS, to convince Tina to give Lindsey all of her points, podium finishes, and globes from this season. In addition, to make sure that nobody will ever interfere with Lindsey's legacy, the FIS could make all of the female skiers give their points to Lindsey. She will get all of the points this season and everyone else will have zero. That's only fitting because everyone is a big zero compared to Lindsey. We may even require all of the men to give their points and globes to Lindsey. They were willing to give her their medals from Schladming. I'm sure that they will also give her their points. If Tina and the other World Cup women agree to give Lindsey their points and globes, we will drop our suit against Slovenia. After the legal action against Slovenia, we will then concentrate on taking action against the FIS for the unsafe course conditions in Schladming that led to Lindsey's injury and also possible action against the Shiffrins for Mikaela being better in slalom than Lindsey.
BB: It looks like you will be busy for quite a while. I hope that you are better at trial law or negotiations than you are in geography. Mr. Kildow, I want to thank you for your time. It was very interesting to talk to you today. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We can find Slovenia on a map. Can you?

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