Sunday, June 23, 2013

US Force Prepares to Invade Slovenia

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Before getting into today's interview, we at the Blickbild extend our condolences to Italian racer Dominik Paris and his family. Dominik's brother Rene was killed Friday night in a motorcycle accident.  May he rest in peace.

Even though the lawsuit of Vonn vs Slovenia will be heard in the Vail courts, there is a long queue of cases before it. Lindsey Vonn's father Alan Kildow, who is an attorney, and her boyfriend Tiger Woods have stepped in to help resolve her case before World Cup skiing season opens in October. We sent one of our intrepid reporters to Vail, Colorado to find someone willing to talk about the case and the upcoming invasion of Slovenia. Our reporter ended up in California's Mojave Desert, where he found Colonel Robert Thanus. Let's find out what Colonel Thanus has to say.

BB: Lindsey Vonn's lawsuit against the country of Slovenia will eventually be heard. Why are your troops preparing to invade Slovenia? Why don't you wait for the trial to end?
Thanus: Because there are so many cases ahead of Ms. Vonn's, hers won't be heard until 2016. She really wants to get things resolved before ski season starts so she can concentrate on winning races and also gold medals at the Olympics in February.
BB: Ms. Vonn is suing the country of Slovenia for producing Tina Maze. As our readers know, Tina set new World Cup skiing records this past season for points, podium finishes, and largest margin of points between the first and second overall finishers. Tina was also the first woman to break the 2,000 point barrier. But why sue and invade a whole country because of the actions of one person?
Thanus: You know the old expression about how one person can change the world, right? Tina Maze certainly changed Lindsey's world. She was a major contributor to Lindsey's belly aches and depression last season, especially after breaking 2,000 points. Two thousand points was supposed to be Lindsey's legacy in addition to the margin of victory. Tina stole was rightfully Lindsey's. In addition, Tina refused to hand over her points and Crystal Globes to Lindsey after the season ended. The country of Slovenia must be punished for producing Tina. It's like the old expression of one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch. Everyone in Slovenia is rotten by association with Tina.
BB: I sort of understand your logic. There is one big question here. The Boston Blickbild has the most intrepid research team in the business. But nobody could find anything anywhere about President Obama or the Congress authorizing the US military to invade Slovenia. Is this invasion a secret?
Thanus: My army is not associated with the US military. We are a private army. Because of that, we don't fall under Congress or the president.
BB: So you are not a proper colonel?
Thanus: I am a real colonel in Kildow's Army.
BB: Kildow's Army?
Thanus: Yes. We are primarily made up of unemployed fans of Lindsey Vonn who normally spend all of their time on the Internet reading and commenting about her. Our only requirement is that our soldiers live in the USA. No Euro socialists allowed in Kildow's Army! As you know, a lot of people in the USA need good jobs and we are providing them. We are paying our soldiers the same salary as a US Army soldier.  Our soldiers also get generous benefits like free health care, housing, child care, and meals.
BB: How did you recruit people to join your army?
Thanus: Social networking is a wonderful tool. We put notices on Lindsey's regular Facebook page and also on her fan pages. We also went through Twitter. The response was amazing. In just two hours we had 150,000 people who signed up. Our first group of 25,000 is almost finished with its training.
BB: I see. How did you get the financing to pay all of those people their salaries plus benefits? That is a lot of money.
Thanus: Lindsey's father, Alan Kildow, is an attorney and has a lot of money. He has to be rich to afford to give his oldest daughter ski racing training from early childhood. Lindsey's boyfriend, golfer Tiger Woods, is one of the highest-paid athletes in the world. Both Alan and Tiger have a vested interest in keeping Lindsey happy and free of belly aches. Most of the financing for Kildow's Army is coming from them. Red Bull is also contributing an unlimited amount of its energy drink and some of its doctors. I never realized that there are so many former East German doctors working for Red Bull. Some of Lindsey's other sponsors have also made generous contributions. We are also using the money that her fans and the people of Vail contributed to her trial defense fund. There is also a special property tax in Vail and that tax money goes to finance Kildow's Army.
BB: Why are you training in the middle of the desert? There are no deserts in Slovenia.
Thanus: To get to Slovenia from the west, and ensure the best chance of a sneak attack, it is best to cross the Kalahari Desert. Training here will help us to survive the Kalahari.
BB: The Kalahari Desert is in southern Africa. Slovenia is in Europe. I can see crossing the Kalahari if you want to invade Swaziland from the west. But you would go through Italy to invade Slovenia from the west.
Thanus: We don't want our soldiers in Italy. A lot of them are, shall we say, rather overweight. The last thing they need to eat is pizza, pasta, and Italian ice cream.
BB: Austria borders Slovenia on the north. It would be easy to invade Slovenia from Austria.
Thanus: That's impossible! Austria is in the southern hemisphere and is an island.
BB: You're thinking of Australia. Didn't you ever see "The Sound of Music?" (Col. Thanus nods) Maria is from Austria. Kangaroos are from Australia.
Thanus: After crossing the desert, we will trek through the plains and then cross over the mountains. Our soldiers will finally get to Slovenia after about four weeks of travel by foot.
BB: Why don't you fly your soldiers to Slovenia or drop them in by parachute?
Thanus: That certainly takes away the element of surprise. As we march, we will take out every town and village, until we finally arrive at the capital city of Bratislava. By the time we get to Bratislava, everyone will be ready to surrender to us. We will get one million dollars from every person in Slovenia and give it to Lindsey for the pain and suffering that Tina inflicted on her last season.
BB: Excuse me, but Bratislava is the capital of Slovakia. But I guess I should give you credit for  being on the right continent.
Thanus: If Bratislava is the capital of Slovakia, then what is the capital of Slovenia?
BB: Ljubljana.
Thanus: That can't be! Mr. Kildow had maps specially commissioned for our army. They say that our objective is Bratislava. They look good to me.
BB: Let me have a look. (pause) Oh my goodness!  Swaziland is labeled as Switzerland and vice versa. Sri Lanka is labeled as Slovakia, Slovakia is labeled as Slovenia, and Slovenia is labeled as Sri Lanka. Estonia is also labeled as Slovenia.
Thanus: From what I was told, Estonia is a colony of Slovenia. Once we get Slovenia subdued, Estonia will follow us. We will also collect one million dollars from every person in Estonia, since it is technically part of Slovenia.
BB: I see. You said before that your soldiers will approach Slovenia on foot. Have you thought about the logistics of how they will be supplied? Four weeks is a long time and soldiers will need to be resupplied with ammunition, food, clean clothing, and hygeine items along the way. Plus there is the time that they will actually be fighting.  What they plunder is probably not sufficient to feed and clothe everyone.
Thanus: We will use elephants to carry all of our supplies. If they were good enough for Hannibal, they are good enough for us!
BB: Won't people be suspicious seeing soldiers in uniform with a bunch of elephants? That's a rather unusual sight.
Thanus: That's the idea. People will welcome us with open arms because they will think that the circus is in town. We will take everyone by surprise! They won't know what hit them.
BB: Where will you get the elephants?
Thanus: Red Bull and HEAD, two of Lindsey's main sponsors, have connections everywhere. I was told to simply accept the elephants without asking how we will get them. They will be in Europe waiting for us. (pause) Hey, you seem smart and intrepid. We could use people like you to help lead our army. Would you be interested in joining?
BB: Of course I am intrepid! The Blickbild only hires intrepid reporters. Thank you for the offer, but I am very happy here. When do you plan to invade Slovenia?
Thanus: We are hoping to get the first wave going in the next three weeks. The second and third waves will follow a short time afterward, when they finish their training.
BB: Will you have your maps corrected by then? I'm sure the people of Slovakia would not appreciate being invaded. After all, Slovak racers Veronika Velez-Zuzulova, Petra Vlhova, and Adam Zampa never harmed Lindsey.
Thanus: But they could in the future. Maybe we should launch a pre-emptive strike against Slovakia after we finish the job in Slovenia.
BB: Oh dear! That does not sound good at all. Wouldn't your first step be to get the maps fixed? Then you can at least invade the right country.
Thanus: I'll have to bring them to Mr. Kildow. Hopefully we can have them fixed by the time we are ready to invade. Otherwise, we will go with what we have. Those Slovenians will be sorry that Tina Maze was ever born!
BB: Hopefully you will have everthing sorted out before your army leaves for Europe.
Thanus: We will. Within two weeks of our invasion force taking the capital, Slovenia will be ours! Lindsey will have her rightful legacy restored before the first race in Soelden.
BB: Of course.  Colonel Thanus, I want to thank you for your time. Good luck with your training and invasion plans. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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1 comment:

Unknown said...

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