Friday, July 19, 2013

Slovenian Invasion Force Ends Up in Former KGB Prison

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The first wave of Kildow's Army (KA), the special force made up solely of Lindsey Vonn's fans, was found wandering the halls and grounds of Moscow's infamous Lubyanka building. The Lubyanka was a notorious KGB prison in Soviet times. It is now the headquarters for the Russian Border Guards. KA's mission is to invade Slovenia to retaliate against Tina Maze's refusal to hand over her World Cup Crystal Globes and points to Vonn. It appears that KA's continuing problems with geography have caught up with them. When we heard the news about KA being in Moscow, we sent one of our intrepid reporters there to talk with some of its warriors. Unfortunately, KA was no longer in Moscow. But our reporter was able to talk with Russian Border Guard Major Ivan Sergeyevich Semyonov. Let's find out what Major Semyonov has to say.

BB: Comrade Major, how did Kildow's Army end up in the heart of Moscow in one of its most famous prison buildings?
Semyonov: We don't say "comrade" anymore. You can simply call me, "Major Semyonov" or "Ivan Sergeyevich."
BB: Excuse me. Major Semyonov, how did an invasion force of 25,000 end up in Moscow without anybody noticing?
Semyonov: They came in by plane, car, boat, train, hot air balloon, hang glider, and one person even flew in on homemade wings like Icarus. It is summer vacation season now and the number of tourists in Moscow normally increases significantly at this time of year.
BB: A large number of people in Moscow in unusual military uniforms didn't tip anyone off?
Semyonov: No. A lot of workers in Moscow wear uniforms that look like military uniforms. My Border Guards uniform is a good example.
BB: And nobody thought anything was suspicious when they saw people in uniforms walking around with elephants?
Semyonov: There were no elephants.
BB: Are you sure there were no elephants?
Semyonov: Yes. We have a zoo and many circuses in Moscow. People here know what elephants look like. Muscovites would report someone who was not wearing a zookeeper or circus trainer's uniform walking around the city with elephants.
BB: Oh dear! I wonder who is tending to the elephants that were supposed to be used to haul supplies for Kildow's Army. (pause) Anyway, could you please tell our readers what happened when Kildow's Army arrived at the Lubyanka building.
Semyonov: At first I thought it was a very large tour group. Even though the Lubyanka is no longer a prison, people still want to take tours of it. I even heard someone say, "We are here! This is it!"
BB: So you thought that this was just a large group of tourists who wanted to visit the Lubyanka?
Semyonov: That's right. I was going to direct the person who appeared to be the leader to the correct part of the building for prison tours. But he said that he was in the right place. He said that the building was surrounded and that he wanted $1 million from every man, woman, and child.
BB: What did you do?
Semyonov: I told him that he was at the Lubyanka, which was a former KGB prison. He insisted that he was in the capital of Slovenia, which everyone knows is Ljubljana. One of the people in his group obviously misread a map or got confused reading the names of both places.
BB: That doesn't surprise me at all that they would misread a map. The big surprise is that everyone made it here in one piece. What happened when you told the group leader that they were in a former KGB prison?
Semyonov: The leader, whose name was Mr. Thanus, said that they were in the right place after all. He turned to his group and said that someone named Tina Maze was now in prison for her crime of not giving a person named Lindsey Vonn all of her globes and points from last season. Mr. Thanus was speaking very quickly in English, and it was sometimes hard to understand exactly what he was saying. But his followers cheered at the part about Tina Maze being in prison.
BB: Do you know who Tina Maze and Lindsey Vonn are?
Semyonov: I never heard of Tina Maze. She must be an Enemy of the American State or a sinister reality TV actress.
BB: (showing Major Semyonov a photo of Tina Maze) This is Tina Maze. She is a professional skier from Slovenia who set a lot of records last season. Lindsey Vonn and her fans believe that Tina and her countrymen must pay for setting records which they feel belong to Lindsey. 
Semyonov: Tina is very beautiful! She does not look evil at all. But now I understand why this group wants to invade Slovenia. (short pause) Hey, isn't Lindsey Vonn Tiger Woods' latest girlfriend?
BB: Yes she is. In fact, she is more known in her home country for being Tiger's girlfriend and for not wanting to get married again than for her achievements on the ski slopes. (short pause) Now you have this big group whose leader believes that Slovenian ski racer Tina Maze is in a KGB prison. Did they then storm the building trying to get to her?
Semyonov: No. The leader named Thanus asked me to bring him and his group to see Tina Maze. I explained that Tina was not in our building because it is no longer being used as a prison. I told him again that he was in Russia at the Lubyanka building and not in the Slovenian capital. But he was very insistent that Tina was in a prison cell in our building. Then I had an idea.
BB: What was your idea?
Semyonov: In addition to tours of the Lubyanka's old prison cells, there is also a deluxe KGB Prisoner Experience tour. People taking this tour not only see the Lubyanka's cells, they take a special train to Siberia and visit a former labor camp. It shows people what those who ended up in the gulag went through as a way to learn about Soviet history. I thought that I could get rid of them by shipping them off to Siberia, so I told them that Tina Maze was on her way to a Siberian labor camp to pay for her crimes.
BB: Did Thanus believe it?
Semyonov: Yes. In fact he wanted to go to that labor camp right away to find Tina Maze. He wanted to bring her back and force her to demand $1 million from every man, woman, and child. At least that is what I understood. Then I played an even bigger trick on Mr. Thanus.
BB: Robert Thanus is a colonel in Kildow's Army. But tell our readers about the trick you played on him.
Semyonov: I asked for his map, then took it and wrote "Slovenia" in both Latin and Cyrillic characters in the area where the old labor camp that's featured in the tour is. Then I told him that that was where he needed to go and that I would arrange for his group to take a special train there. He was so excited, he could hardly speak. I got on my mobile phone with a friend who works at the Moscow Central Station. He got the trains prepared. While my friend was getting the trains ready, I let Kildow's Army wander through the Lubyanka's old prison cells.
BB: And they actually found their way to the Central Station by themselves?
Semyonov: I saw Colonel Thanus' map of Moscow and knew that he would never figure out how to get to the station on his own, so I led them.
BB: Good call. Otherwise they would still be wandering around your building thinking that they were in Ljubljana. Where is Kildow's Army now?
Semyonov: Still on the train. It takes almost 6 days for them to get to Khabarovsk, where they will change to a smaller line to get to the former labor camp. They should get to the camp in the next day or two. By the way, I got a commendation from my superiors for getting rid of some very strange people in a creative manner.
BB: Congratulations on the commendation. After this group, there will be five more waves of invaders. Are you planning to send them all to Siberia?
Semyonov: First they have to find the Lubyanka, right? But assuming they do, the Russian Border Guards will be ready for them. We will have the KGB Prisoner Experience Tour ready and waiting. There will be no delays in packing them off to Siberia.
BB: And what will you do when they return from Siberia and realize that they had been tricked?
Semyonov: They have to find their way back using their maps. Need I say more?
BB: You have a good point. Major Semyonov, I want to thank you for your time. This has been a very interesting interview. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Ljubljana (Lyoob-li-ya-na) and the Lubyanka (Loob-yan-ka) really are two different places.

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