Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Lindsey Vonn Says Hell No to Remarriage

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
The tabloid press is buzzing after Lindsey Vonn's interview in Vogue magazine, in which she said that she would never get married again. We would normally avoid this story like we would a barrel of radioactive waste because so many others have already reported it. But, as usual, we have our unique perspective on Lindsey's refusal to marry. Lindsey was unavailable for an interview because she was busy following Tiger Woods to all of his golf tournaments and going to the Red Bull center in Thalgau for Dr. Pansold's special treatments. But one of our intrepid reporters was able to interview Lindsey's physical therapist Patrick. He was the person who we interviewed about Tiger cheating on Lindsey (see this story). Let's find out what Patrick has to say.

BB: Patrick, how did Lindsey come to confide in you?
Patrick: She has very few friends in the World Cup. Even her relationship with her best friend, German skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch, is only good when she has a better season than Maria. Because Maria finshed higher in the World Cup overall standings last season, she is no longer Lindsey's friend. But as a physical therapist I am with Lindsey several hours a day. Even though I am a man, she treats me like one of the girls.
BB: I see. Did she actually tell you that she never wanted to get married again?
Patrick: Yes. I can tell that Lindsey watched a lot of Dr. Phil after her knee surgery. When I asked her if she has plans to marry Tiger, she said, "Hell no!" I know that Dr. Phil tells people not just to say no but to say, "Hell no!" She said the same thing about marrying anyone else when I asked.
BB: How does Tiger feel about Lindsey not wanting to marry him?
Patrick: I don't think that he knew about this before the Vogue interview. But he has a lot of women who he can fall back on, so I don't see him being too upset over this announcement.
BB: Do you think that Lindsey would feel so negative about getting married again if either Roger Federer or Tim Tebow were available?
Patrick: That's a tough question. I don't think that Tim would ever marry her because divorce is against his religion. He would not marry someone who has been divorced, so he is out of the picture. He wants a woman who shares his religious beliefs and is sincere in her "Tebowing." But she might change her mind if Roger was single. The whole world knows that she went with Tiger because Roger is happily married and wouldn't leave his wife for her.
BB: Lindsey is only 28 now. What a person wants at 28 can be a lot different than what she wants at 38 or 48. Thirty years from now, what if she looks back and wishes that she got married again?
Patrick: She said that she never, ever wants to get married again and won't change her mind.
BB: Lindsey is serious about becoming a celebrity, right?
Patrick: Yes, she is very serious about becoming a celebrity.
BB: Then she must realize that part of being a celebrity is being married multiple times.
Patrick: I tried to tell her that, but she wouldn't listen. She says that she will never get married again.
BB: If Henry VIII stayed married to his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, do you think he would be as famous as he is today?
Patrick: No. A big part of his fame is because he had six wives. (short pause) But Kim Kardashian and Kanye West aren't married and they are celebrities.
BB: Do you really think they will be remembered almost 500 years from now like Henry VIII is?
Patrick: Probably not, although they may be remembered for naming their baby North West.
BB: If Lindsey wants to be a proper celebrity, she must get married multiple times. If she really wants to be remembered for eternity, she needs to take a page out of King Henry's playbook and have some of her husbands imprisoned and executed.
Patrick: I'm not sure it's legal to imprison and execute your spouses anymore. Henry only got away with that because he was a king.
BB: And isn't Lindsey known as the "Speed Queen?" Therefore, she is royalty and can have her husbands executed. 
Patrick: I never thought of it that way. But how many men are going to want to marry Lindsey if they know that they are saying, "I do" to their death?
BB: She won't tell them before the wedding that they are going to be executed. But that would solve the problem of her not wanting to get married because she will know that the marriage won't be forever. Once she got tired of a husband,  she would have his head chopped off. 
Patrick: I'm not sure she would go for that. The problem is convincing her to get married in the first place.
BB: Now let's move on to another subject. In the Vogue interview, Lindsey said that most ski racers can keep going until they are 34, but they stop earlier because they want to settle down and have a family. Does Lindsey's refusal to marry mean that she is never going to retire?
Patrick: She said that her plan is to retire after the 2015 World Championships, but after that she will assess how she feels and then decide. Lindsey really wants to go after Ingemar Stenmark's record of 86 World Cup wins. She truly wants to beat Stenmark before she retires.
BB: If she never retires, she will set a new record for being the oldest World Cup competitor. 
Patrick: That would be great for her because she wants as many records as possible for her legacy.
BB: And what more long-lasting legacy is there than being the ski racer who holds the record for having the most husbands imprisoned and subsequently executed? Since none of the other racers have thought to have their husbands thrown in jail and then executed, Lindsey will always be remembered by future generations. 
Patrick: I never thought of it that way. Maybe I can use that argument to persuade her to get married again. She understands records and legacy. I'm sure she would not want to look back on her life and regret missing out on having a record number of her husbands executed. Records are records, no matter if they have to do with skiing or not.
BB: Right. Do you now have all of your marital issues straightened out?
Patrick: Yes. I am no longer doing therapy with Lindsey in her bedroom. When my wife found out that the man she was having an affair with was with six other women, she came back to me. We are now working things out.
BB: That's good to hear. Are you going to have your wife sent to prison or executed?
Patrick: No, I love my wife and want to stay married to her.
BB: Maybe your experience can also help convince Lindsey that marriage is really not so awful. Patrick: I'm not sure her future husbands will see it that way, especially when they find out what is in store for them.
BB: Who knows, she may actually stay with a future husband. (short pause) Patrick, I want to thank you for your time and for another interesting interview. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: When our reporters are not intrepid enough, we don't imprison and execute them. We just fire them.

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