Friday, March 28, 2014

Sweden's Secret Formula for Winning Races

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
Now that the 2013/14 ski racing season has ended, the curse against Sweden has been lifted. In addition to the curse being reversed, Sweden now has a new weapon that will help them win races. Here to talk about it is a representative from the Swedish Ski Association. He did not want to be identified, so we are calling him Ulf. Let's find out what Ulf has to say.
 BB: Ulf, please tell our readers about what Sweden has developed to help its skiers win races.
Ulf: It is called Surstroemming. It is actually not something new. We have been eating it for centuries in Sweden.
BB: Is Surstroemming anything like Norway's ojlmsfjaegger?
Ulf: No. Ojlmsfjaegger are for wimps. (Note to our newer readers: Ojlmsfjaegger are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce that are eaten in Norway on birthdays.)
BB: Are you saying that Aksel Lund Svindal, Kjetil Jansrud, and Henrik Kristoffersen are wimps?
Ulf: They are wimps only if they never eat surstroemming. It takes a special kind of person to eat it.
BB: Please tell our readers what surstroemming is.
Ulf: Fermented herring packed in brine. We love it so much that we don't have to hide the taste with chocolate or smoked salmon sauce. We eat it on thin crisp bread with potatoes and onions.
BB: Have the ingredients been tested to ensure that they comply with FIS standards? Last year the FIS said that ojlmsfjaegger were considered a performance enhancing drug, but that decision was reversed.
Ulf: It's fish, which is full of protein. There is nothing else added to the fish or the brine that would cause effects similar to steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.
BB: A lot of ski racers eat fish because it is healthy and does not cause them to gain weight. I'm sure that some of them even eat herring. What is so special about your Swedish herring?
Ulf: It is no ordinary fish. The fermentation process makes surstroemming like no other food.
BB: The Norwegians say the same thing about their beloved birthday treat.
Ulf: In Sweden you don't have to wait for a birthday to eat surstroemming. You can eat it any day of the year.
BB: What is it about herring, water, and salt that will make the Swedish skiers win all of their races next season?
Ulf: I'll show you. I just happen to have a can of surstroemming with me. (pulls out a can from his rucksack)
BB: That can is bulging at the top, bottom, and sides! Are you sure it's safe to eat?
Ulf: Of course it's safe. The fermentation process produces gases, which expand inside the can and cause it to bulge. It's no cause for alarm or food poisoning. (opens the can)
BB: Whoa! That smells like 1,000 dogs farted all at once or the inside of a portable toilet! A professional football team's locker room smells better than that stuff! It's a good thing we're conducting this interview outdoors.
Ulf: Surstroemming is only eaten outdoors because of the smell. Non-Swedes just don't appreciate the unique odor.
BB: Now I know why surstroemming will be Sweden's secret weapon next season. The other athletes will be unable to race because they will be knocked out by the smell.
Ulf: We want to win races any way we can. Swedish people are exposed to the smell of surstroemming from early infancy and are immune to it. 
BB: Is it true that when Frida Hansdotter kidnapped Germany's witch doctor last year in Schladming, she used a can of surstroemming to knock him out?
Ulf: No, that is a myth. Dr. Mabongo was so small and lightweight that he could easily be carried without using anything to knock him out. Frida just snuck up behind him with a burlap sack and picked him up.
BB: When Jessica Lindell-Vikarby and Frida won races last season, was it because they fed surstroemming to Dr. Mabongo, which caused him to temporarily lose his powers?
Ulf: That could be true.  Dr. Mabongo was evidently smitten with Frida, even though she abducted him. If she asked him to eat surstroemming, he probably would have just to please her. Speaking of eating surstroemming, would you like to try some?
BB: Gee, I'd really like to but I just ate lunch and am quite full.
Ulf: The reporter from the Telegraph ate some and survived. He is obviously more intrepid than you.
BB: Nobody is more intrepid than our reporters! We have the most intrepid reporters in the business! I'll eat some if you will.
Ulf: I thought you'd never ask. I just happen to have some bread, onions, and potatoes in my rucksack. (takes out bread, onions, and potatoes. Puts the potatoes, onions, and surstroemming  on two pieces of bread and hands one to the interviewer). I'm ready whenever you are.
BB: (whispering to self) I can do this. I am part of the most intrepid reporting team in the business. I can do this. The Blickbild has a reputation to uphold. If I don't do this I will be fired for not being intrepid...(in a normal voice) One....two...three (takes a small bite).
Ulf: Well, how do you like it?
BB: It's awful!!! I'd rather eat from a toilet! At least ojlmsfjaegger tasted good, especially the ones that Kjetil Jansrud's grandmother makes. Now I know how the Swedish ski racers will win next season. They will kill everyone with surstroemming!
Ulf: Are you going to eat the rest of that?
BB: Are you kidding? You can have it!
Ulf: I thought you'd never offer it to me. I can eat surstroemming all day. (eats both his portion and the reporter's) Now you know Sweden's plan for winning races next season. Each of our racers will bring a can of surstroemming to the start area, open it up, and leave it near the start house. The athletes can't bring it inside the start house because they would be fined by the FIS for eating an outdoor food indoors. But the smell is strong enough outdoors and some of the fumes will drift into the start house. The other racers will get sick from the fumes, leaving only the Swedish skiers. We will win every race we enter next season because we will effectively eliminate the competition!
BB: Won't the FIS get suspicious that only Swedish racers are winning races and earning World Cup points?
Ulf: I doubt it. Right now the FIS is busy preparing for its summer meeting and coming up with new rules to further confuse both the athletes and the fans. The powers that be don't have time to worry about our secret weapon.
BB:  Have you thought that the Swedish racers can win races on their own? Dr. Mabongo's curse has now been lifted.
Ulf: Of course our athletes are capable of winning races on their own. Two women even won races while being under the curse. If other teams can have witch doctors, Mafia hit men, or East German doping doctors, we can have our surstroemming.
BB: You have a valid point. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for this interview and wish Team Sweden the best of luck next season. By the way, how long does it take to get the smell out of your nose?
Ulf: At least a few hours. Sometimes up to a day or two.
BB: This was our first, and hopefully last, interview conducted in Odor-Rama. I'll never complain again when my dog breaks wind or if I interview someone whose last shower was in 1987. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We draw the line at eating surstroemming. Give us ojlmsfjaegger any day.
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