Friday, April 4, 2014

Questions and Answers

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

We have received many letters, e-mails, and tweets from our readers all over the globe. Our readers love to ask us questions and we also enjoy answering them. If our readers were too afraid to ask us questions, they would always be in the dark. Our intrepid research team and reporters also benefit when readers ask questions because answering questions keeps them busy, which helps them to keep their jobs. It's a win-win situation for all. Let's find out what sorts of questions our readers have been asking us lately. 

Question: Bode Miller said that he didn't have time for eye surgery last year. Will he have time for it this year? 
Answer: If he wants to see clearly when the sun is not shining, which is 90% of the time in Europe, it would be to his advantage to have the surgery. Marcel Hirscher already made it clear that Whitey, his former guide dog, is off limits. It is still unknown if Lindsey Vonn will train her dog Leo to be a guide dog for Bode, but we believe it is highly doubtful that she would do anything to help a potential rival. It is hard to find time for anything in the off-season between taking some down time to decompress from the previous season, ongoing custody battles, and spending time in the gym training for next season. But it sounds like Bode will either have to find a way to make time for the surgery or get himself a guide dog.
Question: Doesn't Lindsey's dog have a bad leg? Wouldn't that make him a poor candidate for becoming a racing guide dog?
Answer: According to our sources, Leo had surgery and he appears to be a supercanine rehabber.  
Question: Are any of the ski teams swapping witch doctors? Is there even a transfer period for witch doctors like there is in football (soccer)?
Answer: Just like trainers, witch doctors are free to change teams when their contracts expire. So far none of the witch doctors are changing teams, though Germany's Dr. Mabongo will leave the women's team and work with the men's team. 
Question: Last year the Congo stopped issuing visas for witch doctors. Will Congo start issuing them again, or are the teams without witch doctors simply out of luck?
Answer: Congo still has a ban on witch doctor visas. However, the International Ski Federation (FIS) is negotiating with Congo to issue a limited number of visas every year. For now the teams without witch doctors either have to train with a team that has one or do without. Some of the more creative smaller teams already have people who do the multiple jobs of service man, driver, massage therapist, assistant trainer, and general lackey. They are taking special online courses in the off-season on how to become a witch doctor.
Question: Who is teaching those online courses and will the graduates be as good as a real Congolese witch doctor?
Answer: Dr. Mabongo and France's Dr. Djibuku will be the two main instructors. They were the top two witch doctors last season. People taking the online witch doctoring courses will have to pass a series of written and practical examinations. The exams will be given at a site to be named later and proctored by a Congolese witch doctor. We will have to wait until next season to find out if the online training is as good as that handed down from generation to generation of eldest sons in the Congo.
Question: Is it true that Felix Neureuther will compete for Austria in exchange for Matthias Berthold becoming a trainer in Germany?
Answer: Austria was unsuccessful in getting Fritz Dopfer to go back to Austria last year. Cake and ice cream were obviously not enough to entice Fritz to compete for Austria. (see this story) With both Mario Matt and Benni Raich getting even older, the OeSV needs someone to provide a good 1-2 punch with Marcel Hirscher. Felix is the perfect candidate. The deal has not been finalized yet and we will keep our readers informed.
Question: If the Neureuther for Berthold deal doesn't happen, will Berthold go to the USA?
Answer: Berthold seems to have a clean past, so we doubt it. The US Ski Team seems to prefer trainers who were involved in criminal activity, like embezzling, or who simply showed up drunk at races.  
Question: Why did Maria Hoefl-Riesch retire? She was in top form and had a few more good years left.
Answer: As much as we pretend to be, we are not psychic mind readers. Mr. Spock was unavailable to do a Vulcan Mind Meld, so it looks like only Maria knows why she retired. She is understandably very proud of all that she had achieved, even if she is not obsessed with setting as many records as humanly possible.
Question: Will Germany and Switzerland really go before the Court of Arbitration in Sport to appeal the decision that gave an Olympic gold medal to Max Franz for artistic impression?
Answer: Yes they will. That case will be heard shortly and we will have one of our intrepid reporters in Switzerland to bring our readers all of the details.
Question: Isn't Switzerland a neutral country and not allowed to go to war?
Answer: Technically Switzerland is not going to war. It is trying to get a medal for one of its ski racers. As far as we know, there are no hastily-assembled militias or elephants involved in Switzerland's case. 
Question: What are the odds of the Court of Arbitration in Sport overturning the Olympic judges and awarding German skier Stefan Luitz the gold medal for artistic impression?
Answer: If the hearing were held in Mongolia, and the judges hearing the case were bribed with enough yak milk pellets by Germany, I would say the odds would be good. But the CAS is located in Switzerland, so the decision could go either way. We will have to wait for the decision like everyone else. As soon as our intrepid, on-the-spot reporter finds anything out, our readers will be the first to know.
Question: If the GS globe came down to Marcel Hirscher and Ted Ligety's math and language test results, who would have won?
Answer: That answer will never be known. The test results are put into sealed envelopes that are only opened if it comes down to needing those tie breakers. If they are not needed, the tests are shredded and then the shredded paper is burned. But our guess would be Marcel because Austrian kids are required to learn a second language in school and are also better in math than American kids.
Question: Is it true that the FIS is going to add a geography test as a further tie breaker for Crystal Globes?
Answer: That was proposed at last summer's meetings, but it was rejected by the US delegation as being too difficult. It's a good thing that the US is not involved in the Olympic artistry medal controversy or they may have gone to Swaziland, and not Switzerland, for the CAS hearing.
Question: Who are the favorites to win the Crystal Globes next season?
Answer: We will go out on a limb and say that men will win all of the men's globes and women will win all of the women's globes. There shouldn't be men competing in women's races and vice versa, unless the FIS changes its decision about letting Lindsey Vonn race against men.

Well, it looks like we are out of time. Our intrepid research team and reporters thank you for all of the interesting questions. They look forward to answering more of them so they can stay employed. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We can answer any question you ask us.

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