Thursday, July 16, 2015

Dr. Mabongo Wins Dave Seville Award

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
For the third year in a row, Dr. Mabongo, the German ski team's witch doctor, has won the prestigious Dave Seville Witch Doctor of the Year award. Unlike previous years, this result was surprising and rather controversial. French ski team witch doctor, Dr. Djibuku, seemed to be the favorite because of the performance of the French men last season. Dr. Djibuku was the runner-up, as he has been the past two years. Here to talk with us about Dr. Mabongo's win are two people: our very own Answer Man, who is really part of our intrepid research team, and John Perkins, who trains aspiring witch doctors in Canada. Let's find out what they have to say.
BB: How close was the vote this year?
Answer Man: The top three were very close. Dr. Mabongo won the award by one vote over Dr. Djibuku, and the Stone of Doom was in third place by one vote. Grandma Jansrud and Dr. Mueller-Wohlfahrt were far behind.
BB: That is very interesting. An inanimate object that nobody has ever seen ended up in third place. If the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom had won, how would it have come up to the podium to receive its award?
Answer Man: Someone would have carried it.
BB: How would we have known that it was the real Stone if nobody has ever seen it?
Answer Man: That will remain a mystery, at least until the next time it is nominated for the Seville Award. It is funny that we have seen more of Pluto than we have of the Stone of Doom.
BB: Back to Dr. Mabongo winning the Seville Award for the third year in a row. A lot of people felt that Dr. Djibuku should have won.
Perkins: The judges obviously disagree or Dr. Djibuku would have won.
Answer Man: Dr. Djibuku appeared to be the clear favorite based on the performances of the French men last season. Alexis Pinturault and Guillermo Fayed had good seasons, Jean-Baptistse Grange won a gold medal in Vail, and Julien Lizeroux pulled off a season-ending front flip for the season's best artistry. On the German side, Stefan Luitz got injured early in the season and Felix Neureuther choked in finals to give the slalom globe to Marcel Hirscher. That should have worked against Dr. Mabongo. But Linus Strasser did establish himself as one to watch next season.
BB: Let's be fair to Felix. He was in pain from a herniated disk at World Cup finals. Mr. Perkins, could Felix's untimely back problem been the result of an opposing witch doctor's curse?
Perkins: Witch doctors should not be throwing curses to injure opposing racers. They are hired by ski teams for mental training. Felix's back problems were not caused by an opposing witch doctor. The timing of losing the slalom globe in finals was bad luck and not from a witch doctor's curse. The only time that a team was under an opposing witch doctor's curse was Sweden two seasons ago. But that was its punishment for kidnapping Dr. Mabongo in Schladming.
BB: Mr. Perkins, were you part of the committee who voted for the witch doctor of the year?
Perkins: No.
BB: Who nominates the witch doctors and then votes for them?
Perkins: There is a special committee made up of witch doctors, professors of witch doctoring, and sports journalists. There are a total of 100 who do the voting.
BB: Football player Lionel Messi wins the Best Player awards in major tournaments. Cristiano Ronaldo and Messi alternate winning the Ballon d'Or for the Footballer of the Year. Will Dr. Mabongo win the Seville Award every year?
Answer Man: It does seem like Dr. Mabongo is the only winner of this award for now. In time someone else will win it.
BB: What does Dr. Djibuku have to do to win the Seville Award?
Answer Man: One would think that he should have won the award for the 2013 season, when he used his creativity and brought Gauthier de Tessieres to Schladming on a magic flying carpet (see this story). If that didn't do it, then nothing would. I believe that French racers will have to win all of the globes for Dr. Djibuku to win the award.
Perkins: I don't believe that. The vote was very close, which means that Dr. Djibuku has a very good chance of winning the award next year.
BB: We shall see. On another note, what does Marcel Hirscher have to do to win the Austrian Sportsman of the Year award? He lost to a football player two years in a row.
Answer Man: Marcel has a very good chance of winning this year. He won the overall globe four years in a row and won two small globes. The football player, David Alaba, got injured right after winning the award. A lot of ski racing fans say that was karma biting back.
BB: It has been an Austrian tradition for a ski racer or jumper to be Sportsman of the Year. Do you think that Alaba beating Marcel Hirscher for the award was staged by Peter Schroecksnadel?
Answer Man: That could be. Herr Schroecksnadel did his best to get Fritz Dopfer back from the Germans. He could have bribed the people who select the Austrian Sportsman of the Year to vote for someone who plays Germany's national sport for a German club. Austrian ski racing fans would be up in arms and would put even more pressure on the Austrian Ski Federation to get Fritz Dopfer back in order to have a winner from Austria's national sport. Once Fritz was back in Austria, then a ski racer would again become Sportsman of the Year.
BB: I thought the whole matter of getting Fritz Dopfer back was settled.
Answer Man: It was. But now that Mario Matt has retired, there are rumors that the Austrian Ski Federation is making new moves to win Fritz back.
BB: I see. So until Fritz decides to quit the German team and race again for Austria, a football player will be Sportsman of the Year?
Answer Man: That is possible.
BB: David Alaba was out the whole season with an injury. Do you think he will still win the Austrian Sportsman of the Year award for 2015?
Answer Man: I think so. Look at historical trends. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo alternate winning the Ballon d'Or. Messi also wins the Player of the Tournament award in every tournament where Argentina plays. Herr Alaba has won the Austrian Sportsman of the Year for two years in a row, which could make him hard to beat even with his injury.
Perkins: Excuse me, but what do the Austrian Sportsman of the Year Award or the Ballon d'Or have to do with the Witch Doctor of the Year Award?
Answer Man: In the past few years, both awards have had close and controversial results. The same people win those awards year after year.
BB: Do either of you think that the Austrian women's ski team will hire a witch doctor?
Answer Man: Of course not! Peter Schroecksnadel is doing a good enough job of putting curses on his own skiers. Austria doesn't need an outside witch doctor.
BB: Mr. Perkins, just out of curiosity, what do people need to do to become witch doctors? Also, why Canada?
Perkins: If you're not fortunate enough to be the first-born son of a witch doctor, you can come to Canada to train. You take courses in spells, voodoo, herbs, and potions. Canada has a high number of people who have an interest in alternative medicine. It is the perfect place to train witch doctors. These days you don't need to be from the Congo or a remote island to be a witch doctor.
BB: I see. Are there any Canadian-trained witch doctors who are part of a ski team?
Perkins: Not now. All of the national ski team witch doctors are from various African countries, though there are plenty of Canadian trainees who would love to work for a ski team. Drs. Mabongo and Djibuku are from the Congo.
BB: Getting back to the Dave Seville Award...Last year a dead person was nominated for the award. This year a rock was one of the nominees. Do you think there will be any unusual nominees next year like someone's pet chicken?
Answer Man: You never know. The element of surprise is the best part of the Seville Award. You cannot automatically predict who will be nominated, except for Drs. Mabongo and Djibuku.
BB: Well, it looks like we are out of time. I guess we'll have to wait until next year to find out who the nominees are. Until then, we at the Blickbild congratulate Dr. Mabongo on his third Dave Seville Award. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

C'mon, I thought you guys would write some parody about Fenninger and the Austrian ski federation love/hate relationship. 😀