Friday, July 3, 2015

Benni and Marlies and Baby Makes Three

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Alpine skiing's power couple, Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild, who got married last April, are now expecting a baby in the fall. We would not normally publish this story because this is old news that the others have already reported. But it took a long time for our intrepid reporter based in Austria to dig his way out of a salt mine to find out about this wonderful event. Let's not even think about how he got there. Anyway, our hard-working journalist scored an interview with Benni and Marlies about their upcoming parenthood. Let's find out what they have to say.

BB: Congratulations on your upcoming parenthood. Is the baby a boy or girl?
Benni: You'll find out when the rest of the world does. 
BB: Our intrepid research team did a lot of calculating, reading tea leaves, and gazing into a crystal ball. They figured out that there is a 50% chance that you are having a boy. 
Marlies: That means that there is also a 50% chance that the baby is a girl. 
BB: That's true if the baby is human. But if the baby was a space alien, there could be a different probability of it being a boy or girl. 
Marlies: I have had some ultrasounds already and the baby looks human to me.
Benni: Is there something that I need to know? People say that Marcel Hirscher is from another planet. Have you and Marcel been---
Marlies: Of course not! This baby is yours and is also 100% human. 
BB: Oh dear! I didn't mean to start any trouble. I'm sure that your baby is perfectly human and not half space alien. We also noticed that you got married after Marlies conceived. Did you get married so that the baby can inherit your lands and won't be illegitimate?
Benni: This isn't the 15th century or Game of Thrones! The timing was right to get married. 
Marlies: I second what Benni said. It's not like we're royalty and have to follow strict rules about inheritance. 
BB: Marlies, you are the Slalom Queen, which is skiing royalty. Therefore, you do need to follow rules about inheritance. If this baby is a girl, and the next one is a boy, will the boy get all of your lands while the girl gets married off with Marlies' schnitzel recipe as part of her dowry?
Marlies: Excuse me, but what century are you living in? I think all of the stale air in the salt mine affected your brain. If we have more than one child, they will inherit equally and we won't need to provide a dowry for any daughters. Even the British royal family made girls equal to boys for inheriting titles and land.
Benni: I think that if we have a daughter, and she gets married, she should get my mother's schnitzel recipe.
Marlies: Let's not get started about your mother's schnitzel. (see this story)
Benni: You really need to be more open-minded about Mum's schnitzel. But of course yours is also very good. 
BB: Time out! Every child thinks that his mother makes the best schnitzel. Your children will think that Marlies' schnitzel is the world's best, even if you don't. Onto another subject...(looking at Marlies) In our previous interview, you talked about how Benni can leave the toilet seat up two days a week. If the baby is a boy, will Benni and your son have more days when the toilet seat can stay up?
Benni: What a great idea! If there are two men in the house, we will be a majority and we all know that the majority rules.
Marlies: Not so fast! The baby will be in diapers for at least two years, so the rules about the toilet seat will stay as they are for now. 
BB: That sounds fair. Once the baby can walk, will you introduce him or her to skiing?
Benni: I can't believe that you asked that question. Of course we will. We are Austrian!
BB: If your baby is a girl, will she be on the same team as Hermann Maier's daughters?
Marlies: That would be fun to see the next generation of Raichs and Maiers skiing together for Austria! 
BB: If the baby is a boy, he could compete against Ivica Kostelic's son. There could be another generation of ski racers on Ante Kostelic courses. 
Benni: If Ante Kostelic is going to set courses for his grandson, maybe our son should go into the speed disciplines.
Marlies: I prefer that he or she does the technical disciplines. If it's a boy, Benni can teach him all about Ante Kostelic and his crazy courses.
BB: Of course you want your child to ski because you are Austrian. I'm sure that you also want him or her to be a racer like both of you. But don't you think that you are setting your child up for an inferiority complex? You have so many Olympic and World Championship medals, as well as Crystal globes. Your child could feel that he or she could never measure up to you. The kid may even rebel and want to become a nuclear physicist instead of a ski racer.
Marlies: We want our child to ski for the enjoyment of it. If he or she wants to be a racer, I think that Benni and I are the best parents to help him or her. We have many years of racing experience at all levels. Our child would get the benefit of our experience.
Benni: I even bought a little Austrian racing suit for the baby. He will know his destiny from birth!
BB: Yes, you have the experience and the trophies to match. But don't you think it would be better if you had been mediocre racers so that you could make your child into a record-obsessed superstar because you were using him or her to achieve your failed dreams?
Benni: That is absurd! Marlies and I are both proud of our achievements. I agree with Marlies about our baby getting the benefit of our experience. That's something that most parents can't give their children when they start racing. 
BB:  Let's say that even with your encouragement, your child does not have what it takes to be a top ski racer. Suppose that his or her aptitude was football, music, or mathematics. Would you love or accept him even if he didn't become a ski racer?
Benni: Is this a trick question?
Marlies: Of course we would! 
Benni: Stop and think for a minute. Our baby has ski racing in his genes and Marlies and I will provide an ideal environment in which he can race. He will be on skis before he can even walk. Why would he be anything else? Our baby is Austrian and Austrians ski and race. 
BB: Most Austrians don't end up becoming famous ski racers. Yet their parents still love them despite that. And I'm not just referring to the Viennese. Mozart wasn't a ski racer, yet he is a world-famous and beloved Austrian. David Alaba plays football (that's soccer to our North American readers) and was Austrian Sportsman of the Year for the past two years.
Benni: Back in Mozart's day, Austrians were musicians and composers. Times have changed and now they are ski racers. I don't know how a football player became Sportsman of the Year two years in a row. At least they got it right with Anna Fenninger being Sportswoman of the Year.
Marlies: Are you saying that you would not love our baby if she wasn't a ski racer?
Benni: No, of course not. I will love our baby even if he doesn't become a ski racer.
BB: Good save, Benni. Marlies, will you hold your baby up for the cameras at Benni's races?
Marlies: Why would I do that?
BB: Bode Miller's wife holds her stepkids up for the TV cameras. His fans love when she does it.
Marlies: I don't think you want to know what we Europeans think of that. But no, I won't be shoving my baby in front of the TV cameras at races. Benni deserves the spotlight at races, not the baby.
BB: Very good point. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Benni, on behalf of everyone at the Boston Blickbild, I want to wish you a successful season. I also hope that you two have a healthy baby. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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