Thursday, October 29, 2015

Ligety vs Hirscher

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Shakespeare gave us the Montagues and Capulets and the US gave us the Hatfields and McCoys. Now the World Cup is giving us Ted Ligety and Marcel Hirscher. Even the most unperceptive person in Soelden could easily recognize that there was hostility between Ted and Marcel at the podium presentation and award ceremony. If their eyes could shoot laser death rays, they would both have killed each other and Thomas Fanara would have been declared the winner. But what caused this hostility?  Our intrepid reporters in Soelden were not able to interview Ted or Marcel. However, he was able to find a representative from each camp who gave us some insight into the root causes of why Ted and Marcel dislike each other. Instead of using their real names, we will simply call the Ligety representative Ted and the Hirscher representative Marcel. Let's find out what they have to say.

BB: As recently as two seasons ago, Ted and Marcel seemed to be friendly with each other. What happened to change that?
Ted: Marcel won the GS globe last season. Everyone knows that the GS globe rightfully belongs to Ted. All Ted wants this season is to get his globe back.
Marcel: Marcel beat Ted fair and square last season and deserved the GS globe. He earned the most points, and therefore deserved the globe.
Ted: I can't believe that Marcel feels zero remorse about taking Ted's globe from him. We'll show you who deserves it this season!
BB: Let's try and keep this discussion friendly and civilized. We'll find out at the end of the season who deserves the GS globe. It was last season when fans first noticed the hostility between Ted and Marcel. Was there any one incident which sparked it?
Ted: Last season in Garmisch, Ted and Marcel were riding up the Kandahar Express lift together to get to the start house.
BB: Why were they riding the lift together if they didn't like each other? By the time of the Garmisch races, they clearly disliked each other.
Ted: They didn't really have a choice because the crowd in the lift line pushed them forward and onto the same chair. If Ted had his way, they would not have sat together. Anyway, Ted and Marcel were sitting next to each other. Suddenly, Marcel elbowed Ted in the ribs.
Marcel: Ted was taking part of Marcel's seat on the lift.
Ted: That can't be! Ted does not have a big butt by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe Marcel was encroaching on Ted's space but was trying to find an excuse to injure Ted and eliminate a competitor.
Marcel: Marcel is even smaller than Ted, so he would not spill over into anyone's space on a chair lift. Anyway, Marcel didn't need to eliminate the competition in Garmisch because he won the race by over 3 seconds. Ted is just being a sore loser!
BB: Time out! Let's refrain from the name calling. From what our intrepid research team found, the mutual dislike was already there in Garmisch. Anyway, I hardly believe that an elbow on a chair lift is sufficient grounds to hate someone. 
Marcel: You are right. A lot of it started when Ted kept feeding Marcel's former guide dog treats before races, even though Marcel said not to do it.
Ted: Can you blame Ted? He loves animals, especially dogs.
Marcel: Whitey was a working dog at the time and the other racers knew it. Was Ted really that stupid to ignore Marcel's wishes about his dog? He was told time and time again not to load Whitey up with treats before races. We saw what happened in Adelboden when Marcel had to use a substitute dog. (see this story) Ted will do anything to eliminate a competitor, won't he?
Ted: Ted doesn't need to get rid of his competitors because he's the best.
Marcel: Ted is obviously not the best because Marcel won the GS globe last season. Get over it!
BB: Our readers believe that the men's World Cup tour is like a big happy family without all of the drama of the women's tour. You two are certainly proving everyone wrong. 
Ted: Every family has sibling rivalry and squabbles. The World Cup is more like a big, happy, dysfunctional family.
BB: True enough. But most families, especially the dysfunctional ones, keep their arguments to themselves. They don't let the public see their hostility. (short pause) Let's talk about the press conference at the Olympics in Sochi.
Ted: Marcel started it because he kept putting his water bottle on Ted's side of the table!
BB: That can't be the cause of all of the bad blood between Ted and Marcel. 
Ted: Marcel seemed to be doing it on purpose!
Marcel: Well, Ted really started it because he was putting his hands on Marcel's side of the table.
Ted: That's because Marcel kept poking Ted on the shoulder!
Marcel: Ted kept looking at Marcel! What was he supposed to do?
Ted: Marcel was breathing!
BB: You two are worse than rivals for a woman's affection in a Brazilian soap opera! At least in a soap opera, the audience knows why the two rivals hate each other. The way that you two are carrying on, one would think that Marcel is the father of Ted's wife's baby.
Marcel: Ted's wife is having a baby?
Ted: No, she is not pregnant!
Marcel: But if she were pregnant, someone other than Marcel would be the father. He is faithful to his girlfriend.
Ted: That's what he wants the world to think. But we all know how those Europeans are.
BB: Marcel being the father of Ted's wife's baby could be a very good reason why they dislike each other. Imagine having to compete with the man who not only slept with your wife, but also got her pregnant. That would bring out the hate in anyone.
Marcel: Marcel never slept with Ted's wife, so there is no way he could be the father of her baby. Anyway, she is not his type. Maybe Ted should watch out for the Italians instead of picking on Marcel.
Ted: Again, Ted's wife is not pregnant. And what do you mean she is not Marcel's type? No wonder Ted doesn't like Marcel. I wouldn't like anyone who thought that my wife was ugly. Now you know why Marcel wasn't at the wedding.
BB: But if Ted's wife were pregnant, do you think it's possible that Marcel is the father?
Ted and Marcel (together): No!!!!!!
BB: Wow, you two finally agree on one thing. Maybe you could use that agreement as a step to help Ted and Marcel get along like they used to.
Marcel: We shall see. But I somehow doubt it.
Ted: I have to agree. Some things just can't be fixed.
BB: That is two things that you two agree on. One more question. Let's say that Ted has a son and Marcel has a daughter. Would they be forbidden to date each other?
Marcel: Why can't Marcel have the son and Ted the daughter?
BB: Does it really matter who has the son and who has the daughter? The question is would their kids be allowed to date each other?
Ted: Absolutely not!
Marcel: Never!
BB: Hey, we're getting into a streak of agreeing on issues. That's really too bad now because it looks like we are out of time. If we had more time, perhaps you would agree on many more things. If you can do it, so could Ted and Marcel. Then they would be able to revive their friendship. But now we will never find out if that is possible, just like we never learned the the original cause of the hostility between Ted and Marcel. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our office is very boring by Brazilian soap opera standards.

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