Friday, September 23, 2016

Bode Miller and His Lawsuits

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US ski racer Bode Miller is suing Head in order to get out of his contract with that firm. He wants to come back to World Cup racing on Bomber skis. However, we think that he should stick to his original proposal of coming back on cheap rental skis (see this story). The others have already reported the story of Bode and his conflict between Head and Bomber. But, as usual, we have our unique perspective on this story. Here to help untangle the threads of the various contracts and lawsuits is the Blickbild's very own legal expert. We will call him Ralf because he does not want to be identified. Let's find out what he has to say. 

BB: Let's see if I have this correct. Bode has a contract with Head to use its skis through this coming season. 
Ralf: Yes. If he wants to race in the World Cup, he must use Head skis. His contract with Head says that he must use its skis for racing until the end of this coming season. After that, he is free to use any other brand. 
BB: But he would rather use Bomber skis? Are they really better than Head skis?
Ralf: Yes to the first question. He is a part owner in Bomber and wants to promote that brand. I don't know if they are really better than Head skis. The Answer Man might know because he knows everything.
BB: And Head is obviously unhappy about that. But if Bode has a contract with Head, shouldn't he honor it?
Ralf: Yes he should. But he is suing Head to get out of his contract, even though Head is paying him good money through the end of this season.
BB: It sounds like he has signed two different contracts, one with Head and one with Bomber. Which one should he really honor?
Ralf: Good manners dictate that he should go with the one he signed first, which is the one with Head. The lawsuit is to get out of that contract.
BB: It reminds me of a guy who is trying to date two girls at once. I don't think that anybody is going to end up happy. 
Ralf: Right. When a man is dating two women at once, what usually happens is that both women find out and then band together against the man. Either that or the two women turn on each other and still drop the man like a hot potato. No matter how the women react, it is generally not a happy ending for the man.
BB: Do you think that either Head or Bomber will countersue?
Ralf: It is possible. Bode could end up spending the ski season in court instead of trying to come back to racing after taking a break for a year.
BB: Do you think that Head would send Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli after Bode to ensure that he races on Head skis?
Ralf: Maybe. Vinnie is currently on holiday, but Head could tell Vinnie to convince Bode that he should race on Head skis instead of Bombers. I'm sure that Bode values his kneecaps and would come around. This would certainly avoid any prolonged legal battles between Bode, Head, and Bomber.
BB: I heard that this is not the only legal problem that Bode is having. Is that true?
Ralf: That is correct. He is suing his third grade teacher and seat mate for lifelong trauma caused by an injury.
BB: Hey wait a minute! Wasn't he home schooled?
Ralf: Yes. His mother was also his teacher and his sister was his seat mate at the kitchen table for lessons.
BB: Tell our readers about his particular lawsuit.
Ralf: As I mentioned before, Bode and his sister sat next to each other at the kitchen table for lessons. His sister evidently put her pencil on his side of the table and he put it back onto her side. She then moved the pencil back to Bode's side. After five or six repetitions of this, Bode took the pencil and stabbed his sister in the arm with it.
BB: It sounds like his sister should be suing him for the injury as well as pain and suffering. 
Ralf: She is countersuing for the injury because she still has a scar from where the pencil point broke the skin. Anyway, Bode stabbed his sister and then she punched him in the arm. Then she wailed very loudly, which hurt his eardrums.
BB: So why is Mom named as a party in the suit?
Ralf: According to Bode, his mother did not have control over his sister, which led to him being punched in the arm and having to listen to his sister cry.
BB: What kind of a person sues his own mother and sister for a childhood injury which obviously had no effect on his racing?
Ralf: That is a very good question. In my opinion, the injury was a good thing because it made him want to be faster than his sister. If anything, his sister should sue him for the scar, her pain and suffering, and the trauma of being beaten by her brother because he became faster than her.
BB: Was there really a lot of pain and suffering? I was stabbed in the arm with a pencil by my friend when I was in second grade and the pain went away after a few minutes. I was fine after that and suffered no lifelong trauma from that incident. 
Ralf: work for the Blickbild. Anyone who works for the Blickbild has to have suffered some sort of trauma to work there. Why else would anyone be a Blickbild reporter?
BB: Because the Blickbild is known for having the most intrepid reporters and researchers in the business. Only the most intrepid earn the right to be called a Blickbild employee. I could say the same for you because you are the Blickbild's legal consultant.
Ralf: I am a self-employed consultant. The Blickbild happens to pay very well.
BB: So you are our legal consultant for the money. Yet you seem like the type who has not suffered any sort of childhood trauma, so not all Blickbild employees have deep psychological scars. Let's get back to the subject of Bode and his lawsuits. So far he is suing Head, his mother, and his sister. Are there any other lawsuits?
Ralf: Yes, there is the biggest one of all. He is suing every racer who won in Kitzbuehel since 2003.
BB: Really? Is this like a class action suit in reverse? Instead of a lot of people suing one person, he is suing his fellow racers?
Ralf: That's right. He is suing them for not letting him win in Kitzbuehel and cementing his legacy.
BB: What is it with American ski racers and their legacies? Lindsey Vonn says that her records are her legacy and Bode says that Kitzbuehel is his. Nobody in the States really knows or cares who they are. When they retire they will lead anonymous lives or be commentators at the Winter Olympics every four years.
Ralf:  Bode has suffered a lot of mental anguish over not winning in Kitzbuehel. It is the other racers' fault for not letting him win. Every year it seems like he wins the training runs but does not win the actual race. The others really should have let him win the real races as well as the training runs. He would have won Kitzbuehel at least ten times if the others were nicer.
BB: Maybe he should be suing the team psychologist for not preparing him mentally to win the real race instead of his fellow racers. 
Ralf: That makes sense. The team psychologist is the one who helps the racers with mental preparation.
BB: Or maybe he should sue the US Ski Team for not providing him with a witch doctor. A lot of teams have witch doctors, who helped their racers with mental training.
Ralf: That is a great idea! The US Ski Team never believed in witch doctors. If the team had one, maybe Bode could have won in Kitzbuehel. There were a lot of witch doctors looking for jobs and the US Ski Team refused to hire one. Because of the refusal to hire a witch doctor to help Bode with mental training, he could not win in Kitzbuehel. Therefore, he suffered severe mental anguish because he was unable to cement his legacy.
BB: That makes a lot of sense and certainly sounds better than suing family members. One last thought. Maybe he should be suing Head for not providing him with a Mafia hit man to eliminate the competition in Kitzbuehel. Then he would have been the only athlete in the race and therefore the winner by default. He would have fulfilled his wish of winning in Kitzbuehel and furthered his legacy. 
Ralf: That is true. It sounds like Bode has a valid lawsuit against Head, but for the wrong thing. Instead of suing to get out of his contract, he should be suing Head for not providing a Mafia enforcer. Vinnie The Shark could have been Bode's personal hit man instead of Lindsey Vonn's bodyguard.
BB: Exactly! Well, it looks like we are out of time. Ralf, I want to thank you for this interview and helping to explain all of Bode's various lawsuits. Let's hope that he can settle them before the season starts next month so that his fans can watch him for one more season. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We have never been sued by our employees even though we should sue our previous batch or reporters for being exceptionally lazy.

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