Thursday, October 27, 2016

Soelden Report

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The season officially opened last weekend. The others have already reported about Lara Gut and Alexis Pinturault's commanding victories. As usual, we will report on something different. If you want a conventional race report, read Ski Racing magazine or other publications about ski racing. One of our intrepid reporters met up with former fashion students Trent Dillon and Roger (pronounced Ro-zhay) Niedermeyer in Soelden. We first met Trent and Roger at the Vail World Championships (see this story). Let's find out what they have to say...

BB: Trent and Roger, it is good to see you again. How did you enjoy the races?
Trent: We especially enjoyed the men's race. Three scrumptious guys on the podium!
Roger: I'll second Trent's opinion, and add that fourth place Zan Kranjec is also cute.
BB: I see that you two are in Europe. Are you--
Roger: Yes, we are gay. A lot of people don't realize, it, but we are.
BB: That's hard to believe. People would have to be pretty unperceptive not to realize that you are gay.
Trent: I know, right? I guess we somehow do a good job appearing straight.
BB: Anyway, I wanted to ask you why you are in Soelden for the races. 
Trent: We graduated from fashion design school last year and are now working in Europe designing ski racing suits. It is our dream come true!
BB: Really? Who are you working for?
Trent: We got hired by a real ski team to design its racing suits for the St. Moritz World Championships and the 2018 Olympics.
BB: Congratulations! Which team hired you?
Roger: Freedonia.
BB: You do realize that Freedonia is a fictional country?
Roger: But they have a real ski team and they pay very well.
BB: I would hope so. Team Freedonia is a team of Mafia hit men. 
Roger: So that's why they wanted pinstriped racing suits.
BB: Let's talk about Soelden. I know that you saw the men's race. What about the women's?
Trent and Roger (together): Booooorrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg!
BB: Really? Lara Gut won by a huge margin and showed that she means business this season. Marta Bassino also earned her first podium place. Petra Vlhova was 8th place with start number 55 and had the best second run. How could you think the race was boring?
Trent: Let's talk about Marta's suit. What were the Italians thinking with dark grey? There were no color accents on the Italian suits. They are into a robotic look with those suits. If they are going to be robots, they should be blue because they are the Azzuri, not the Grigios.
Roger: They are too simple. A little dash of color would really make them look better. Petra Vlhova had a white suit with a splash of red and blue and it made for a simple, yet classy, look.
Trent: Dark grey is so blah! If Marta wore black, she would have felt tougher and may have even won the race. When you look tough, you perform tough!
BB: I think that Lara was unbeatable in Soelden. Nobody could have touched her there.
Roger: Ewwww! Who would want to touch her?
BB: I did not mean that literally. 
Roger: Oh thank goodness for that! Anyway, who would want to touch her in that suit?
BB: What is wrong with the Swiss speed suits?
Roger: You have to ask? The old look of red, white, and blue was fine. The suits were not too busy nor too plain. But that grey! What were the designers thinking about adding grey?
Trent: It looks like she rolled around in campfire ashes and the Swiss laundry detergent she used didn't work very well to remove them.
BB: I see.  And what about Mikaela Shiffrin's suit?
Roger: Oh my god! Pink! Who came up with that one? She looked like someone vomited Pepto Bismol all over her suit.
Trent: She might have won the race if she wasn't wearing pink. She is supposed to be a tough athlete and not a wilting flower. Pink is for sissies.
BB: Lindsey Vonn won a lot of races with a pink and white suit.
Roger: Lindsey needs pink to look feminine while being a great athlete because she is bigger than the other girls. But most women don't need pink to look like girls. If Mikaela wore black, she would have looked very intimidating and won the race.
BB: I don't know about that. Lara showed that her overall title last year was no fluke. Now on to the men's race. What did you like most about the men's race?
Trent and Roger (together): The racers!
Trent: The podium could not have been any better, except if Aksel Lund Svindal was on it.
BB: Aksel is not gay.
Trent: It's true that the good ones are either married or straight.
BB: Do you have any issues with the men's suits?
Roger: Who can resist an athlete in a tight suit? Not me!
Trent: Or me!
Roger: Marcel Hirscher really should lose the beard though. He looks much better without it.
BB: So the women's suits were bad but the men's were okay?
Trent: Not really. Let's start with Alexis Pinturault. He was also in dark grey. The French went from suits with crazy patterns to dark grey this season. You couldn't tell the French from the Italians because their suits looked alike.
BB: It seems like grey is the in color in racing suits this season. We all know that the French and Italians are fashion trend setters. 
Trent: Grey is so depressing! I'm surprised that Alexis and his teammates made it into the second run with those suits. I get depressed just looking at them. I could not imagine having to wear one.
BB: Alexis continued his hot streak in GS from last season and showed that he is a serious candidate for the overall globe. 
Trent: He certainly is hot!
BB: And straight.
Trent: It figures.
Roger: Who was the genius who came up with Austria's suits? The only thing I can say about them is that they are not grey. That pattern of turquoise and black is hard on the eyes! I'm surprised that Marcel could even see where he was going. If I wore that suit, I would have been blinded!
BB: They do match the turquoise or black jackets that the Austrian team wears.
Roger: And what is with those colors? Whatever happened to the Austrian national colors of red and white?
Trent: At least the suits match the jackets. Red and white suits would clash big time with the jackets and pants!
BB: It looks like the new trend is for teams not to put their national colors on their racing suits. The Italians and French are in grey, the US is in pink, and the Austrians are in turquoise and black. The one thing that has stayed the same over the years is the German suit.
Trent: Some things never change and I do like the snakeskin look on the arms of Felix Neureuther's suit.
Roger: Now that is an interesting look. Zebra stripes on the bottom and a snakeskin look on top. When you look like a wild animal, you feel like one and perform like one. That is how he got onto the podium.
BB: It was his first podium finish in Soelden. 
Trent: Felix is always on my podium!
BB: I hate to tell you this, but Felix is straight. But he has a big gay following.
Trent: Well of course he does! He's cute and nice too. No sane man can resist him.
BB: Do you have anything to say about the other racers?
Roger: At least Finland has a better suit this year. The Finns don't look like they graduated Magna Cum Laude from Clown College anymore.
Trent: I don't have anything to add.
BB: That's good because....well, it looks like we are out of time. Trent and Roger, thank you for another fascinating interview. You gave our readers a different perspective on the races in Soelden. Good luck with your designing career and maybe we will see your designs in St. Moritz and Pyeongchang. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We wear normal clothing at work. No weird patterns, plain grey, or clashing colors for us!

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