Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Henrik Kristoffersen Saga Continues

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Norwegian technical ace Henrik Kristoffersen has been dismissed from the Norwegian ski team. He is not allowed to train with the team or steal ojlmsfjaegger from the team's training table. The official reason is that he wants to be like his teammate Aksel Lund Svindal and have Red Bull as his head sponsor instead of Telenor like everyone else on the team. But, according to the Norwegian federation, Henrik also violated team rules and needed to be taught a lesson. What will he do? Will he train independently or join another team? How will this affect him being able to compete in the upcoming Olympics? The whole ski world is waiting for answers. Well, wait no more. We have all the answers. Our very own Answer Man, who is really one of our intrepid researchers, will tell you everything you need to know about Henrik's situation. Let's find out what he has to say....

BB: Last season Henrik also got in trouble with his federation for wanting to have Red Bull instead of Telenor as his head sponsor. He also alienated his teammates by trying to get all of them Red Bull sponsorship but without all the perks that Henrik alone would get. 
Answer Man: That's right. Henrik would have had his own personal trainers, massage therapists, private gyms, private jets, and his own Mafia hit man and witch doctor to help eliminate the competition. His Norwegian teammates would have been stuck with the regular team trainers and having to fly commercial. 
BB: Taking Henrik's side for a moment, Aksel Lund Svindal has Red Bull as his head sponsor. Henrik said that he wants to be like Aksel and also have Red Bull as his head sponsor. Both Henrik and Aksel are big stars, so why shouldn't they have the same privileges?
Answer Man: Aksel had Red Bull as his head sponsor before the new contract with Telenor was signed and was grandfathered in. And the argument that Henrik wants to be like Aksel does not work with the team. Every boy in Norway wants to be like Aksel. He is a national hero. 
BB: Last season Henrik had the same problem with the Norwegian federation and even sat out the race in Levi as a protest. He had to complete 12 Labours in order to rejoin the team. Did he complete all twelve? (see this story
Answer Man: He did all but the alligator hunting and finding the Holy Grail. It turns out that Henrik is deathly afraid of alligators and refused to perform that task. As to the Holy Grail, it will remain unfound. He did not get a slalom globe last season, which also displeased the Norwegian federation. If he couldn't find the Grail, the least he could have done was win a small globe.
BB: True. It seems that despite completing 10 out of the 12 Labours, Henrik still violated team rules. What did he do?
Answer Man: Henrik violated several team rules. One night he snuck out of the team hotel because he was having trouble sleeping. According to Henrik, he wanted some fresh air. He thought that he would be clever and put a blow-up doll in his bed to fool the trainers who were conducting the bed check that night. Needless to say, the trainers were not fooled.
BB: That hardly warrants being thrown off the team. 
Answer Man: But wait, there's more. Before a big team meeting with Erik Roste, the head of the Norwegian Ski Federation, Henrik snuck into the meeting room. He drew a stick man on the white board in that room, wrote, "Erik Roste is a dope," and drew an arrow pointing to the stick man. Henrik refused to confess to this act, but his teammates all knew that he did it.
BB: What else did he do?
Answer Man: He is also demanding that the Norwegian Ski Federation provide him with his own separate ojlmsfjaegger. Grandma Jansrud makes them for the team, and makes them with love. But Henrik feels that he warrants his own separate ojlmsfjaegger.
BB: I can see why the rest of Henrik's teammates would be upset with him. Grandma Jansrud makes the best ojlmsfjaegger in Norway. OK, I only tasted hers, but I lived to tell the tale. The rest of the team, Aksel Lund Svindal included, seems to thrive on it. 
Answer Man: That's right. At least he doesn't want tinned ojlmsfjaegger, which is terrible. But he wants his own separate ojlmsfjaegger chef. He was told to either eat the same thing that the team eats or be kicked off the team. He opted to leave the team.
BB: Wow, Henrik's story has more twists and turns than a Brazilian soap opera.
Answer Man: It does. He not only alienated himself from his teammates, but he also tormented racers on other teams. My intrepid colleagues have found out that he has been sending Mikaela Shiffrin, Tina Maze, and Marcel Hirscher reindeer meat recipes under a fake name. But they figured out that it was Henrik.  Mikaela, Tina, and Marcel all won reindeer in Levi. It is beyond unsportsmanlike to torment fellow racers like that.
BB: That is terrible! Mikaela, Tina, and Marcel all love their reindeer and would never think about eating them. So what will Henrik do? This is an Olympic year and he needs to be part of a national team in order to compete for a medal. 
Answer Man: Performing 12 more Labours is out of the question. But some other ski teams have offered to take Henrik so that he can compete in the Olympics. They are offering some terrific package deals.
BB: Really? Which countries? As far as I know, Henrik is 100% Norwegian. He would have to sit out a year in order to compete for another team unless the federation releases him. But would the Norwegian federation release him?
Answer Man: My fellow intrepid researchers found out that Henrik could join other teams without the one year waiting period. Four teams have made offers, and they are very impressive.
BB: Are you going to tell me or leave our readers in suspense forever?
Answer Man: The first is Tanzania.
BB: Tanzania is not exactly a big ski country.
Answer Man: That is the point. The FIS wants to expand ski racing into new markets. Africa has a lot of people who could be potential ski racing fans with the right star on its team. The waiting period would be waived so that Henrik could compete for Tanzania immediately. The combination of the FIS breaking into the Africa market and a new country competing at the Winter Olympics is hard to beat. Henrik could get instant citizenship because of his Tanzanian ancestors.
BB: Wait a minute! What Tanzanian ancestors?
Answer Man: The fossils of the first humans were found in Olduvai Gorge, which is in Tanzania. They were our common ancestors, so he can honestly say that he has a Tanzanian ancestor. The Tanzanian government would also develop a special training area on Mt. Kilimanjaro just for Henrik. Since he would be the only Tanzanian ski racer, there would not be any problems with alienating any teammates.
BB: What other countries are willing to take Henrik?
Answer Man: Antarctica has put in a bid for Henrik. He would have the benefit of every day with winter conditions and being able to train on snow all year. He won't have to apply for citizenship because there are no Antarctic citizens. If he got homesick, he could visit a Norwegian research station.
BB: Isn't there something in the FIS' Big Book of Rules about competing for Antarctica since nobody owns it?
Answer Man: No, and that is a benefit for Henrik. No waiting period means that he could be eligible for the Olympics and win a medal for Antarctica. He could also wear a racing suit with a penguin design in addition to a Red Bull helmet. You can't beat that!
BB: I think I would go with Antarctica. No traveling to train and a penguin racing suit. 
Answer Man: Henrik also has an offer to compete for the planet Zorkon in the Andromeda Galaxy. Since there is no specific prohibition against ski racers from other planets in the Big Book of Rules, Henrik could compete without having to wait a year. He could be the first ski racer from another planet to win an Olympic medal. That would bring him glory on both Earth and the whole universe. He could wear anything he wants on his helmet. The Zorkonians would come to Earth to work with Henrik, so he could stay on Earth. The International Olympic Committee is also looking for athletes from other planets to expand the field in the Winter Olympics. Zorkon would be a real win-win situation.
BB: That sounds like a great deal. Henrik would be crazy to pass that one up. 
Answer Man: There is one more offer. It is from Team Freedonia.
BB: Do you think that Henrik could make the Freedonian team? He is not a Mafia hit man.
Answer Man: Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli is the team captain and would welcome Henrik with open arms. Henrik would help the rest of the team of Mafia hit men get a chance to actually compete in the Olympics. The FIS Big Book of Rules also does not mention ski racers from fictional countries, so Henrik could carry on racing this season and qualify for the Olympics. I think that this is the best offer for both sides. The Mafia needs a place to launder money and putting that money into Henrik's trainers and ski equipment would be a perfect cover. Red Bull offers Henrik one Mafia hit man. But being part of Team Freedonia means that Henrik could have a whole team of Mafia enforcers. Nobody would mess with him.
BB: If you were Henrik, which offer would you take?
Answer Man: That is a tough one. They are all good. For me personally it would be a tossup between Antarctica and Freedonia. I'd love to have a racing suit with penguins on it, but would also think it cool to be part of a team of Mafia hit men. I'm sure that Henrik would make the right choice for himself if the Norwegians don't take him back.
BB: I agree. It will be interesting to see which offer he takes. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for another interesting interview. Let's hope that Henrik gets his problems with the Norwegian federation sorted out. Races are more interesting when he is part of the field. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

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