Tuesday, May 7, 2013

An Interview With Bode and Morgan Miller

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US skiing star Bode Miller has been interviewed by the others about his horses, kids, and future racing plans. Normally we wouldn't go near this story because the others covered it already. But our intrepid research team has uncovered some things about Bode Miller and his wife Morgan that the others didn't know. Let's find out what Bode and Morgan Miller have to say. 

BB: Morgan, I'll start with you. I see that you changed your name to Miller and didn't keep your former name or hyphenate your name. Aren't you concerned that beach volleyball fans won't recognize who you really are?
Morgan: No. 
BB: Austrian skier Regina Sterz caused quite a stir last year when she took her husband's name instead of using the double-barreled Sterz-Mader. Are you sure that changing your name to Miller won't cause problems with the commentators or fans?
Morgan: Yes I'm sure. It has been well-publicized in beach volleyball magazines and on the Internet that I changed my name. I'm sure the fans are used to it now. 
BB: Is the international governing body of beach volleyball considering any rules to require female players to hyphenate their names when they get married?
Morgan: I haven't heard anything about it. If it does happen, I'll deal with it.
BB: Bode, you are planning to come back in a big way. Tell us about your goals for the coming ski season.
Bode: First of all, I plan to compete in every race this season. 
BB: Even in the slalom? That has been your weakest event and you didn't compete in many slalom races over the past few seasons.
Bode: Yes, even in slalom races.
BB: What about in the City Events?
Bode: If there is a race on the schedule, I will be in it. The City Events are races, therefore I will compete in them.
BB: Do you have any other goals?
Bode: Yes. I plan to win the overall World Cup, all five Crystal Globes, all five Olympic gold medals, and break the record for most points in a season.
BB: Would that be Hermann Maier's men's record or the total record of 2414 set by Tina Maze last season?
Bode: I will smash Tina Maze's record because I also plan to win every race. 
BB: There are 36 races on the calendar for next season. Are you saying that you plan to get 3600 points?
Bode: That's right. 
BB: I see. How much have trained last season and in the off-season?
Bode: I don't need to train. Training is for wimps. I have always been very successful without any serious training. Why should I start now?
BB: You are getting older and there are a lot of younger skiers who could foil your plans for winning every race this season.
Bode: Yes, but I have experience. That should count for something.
BB: Lindsey Vonn said that she would only need one week to be ready for the Sochi Olympics. How much time would you need to prepare for them?
Bode: One week is quite a long preparation period. I will only need one day.
BB: Do you ever hear voices in your head?
Bode: I often tell myself to go faster when I'm skiing. I also sometimes hear Morgan's voice telling me that I forgot to take out the trash.
BB: Do you believe that you are God, Jesus, or Napoleon?
Bode: I am Bode Miller, ski god. Everyone in the World Cup bows down to me. I can party on an Olympic scale and then win races. By the way, I don't need to train to party well. I'm a natural party guy and have raced while wasted many times. None of the other guys in the World Cup can make that claim.
BB: Morgan, have you been concerned that Bode is suffering from psychotic delusions of grandeur?
Morgan: No. He seems perfectly fine to me. Bode is my soul mate.
BB: You never felt the need to call the men with the white coats and butterfly nets?
Morgan: Uh...no. Bode is a unique individual. I accept him just how he is, even if he does forget to take out the trash.
BB: Onto another subject. You own race horses now. How do you enjoy the horse racing circuit?
Bode: It's a different atmosphere than the World Cup, that's for sure. Be sure to watch for my horses. They are the ones who look wild compared to the others.
BB: What are your goals for your horses this racing season?
Bode: They will win all of their races and every big horse racing prize.
BB: How much training do your horses do every day to prepare for their races?
Bode: My horses are so good and naturally talented, they don't need to train.
BB: Have you ever considered becoming a jockey?
Bode: (smiling) No, I'm a little too big to be a jockey. But you know which ski racer would be a great jockey?
BB: Who?
Bode: Marcel Hirscher of course! With Marcel riding horses instead of ski racing, I would get him out of the way and have a better chance of winning all of the slalom races this coming season.
BB: Having your competition do other sports is certainly one way to win races. We're all looking forward to finding out what you have in mind for the other men in the World Cup. (short pause) Tell our readers about your two children.
Bode: I have a five-year-old daughter and newborn son.
BB: Others in the media reported that you want custody of both of them.
Bode: That's right. I believe that they are better off with Morgan and me than with a single mother.
BB: What about when you are off in Europe racing and Morgan is training?
Bode: That's why I have good servicemen. It would be part of their job to watch my kids while I'm racing. I'll have lots of time to spend with them because I won't be wasting my time training like the other skiers.
BB: Do you know of any other kids that you might have?
Bode: I just have my daughter and son.
BB: You didn't tell anyone that you had a daughter until after the Olympics, when she was almost two years old.
Bode: My personal life wasn't the media's business.
BB: Fair enough. But never underestimate the Blickbild's team of intrepid reporters and researchers.
Morgan: Bode, am I going to have anymore surprises? How many kids are we going to end up having in the house anyway?
BB: Oh boy, it's time to switch subjects. Morgan, it looks like you recovered completely from when Bode accidentally hit you in the eye with a golf ball.
Morgan: Yes, I have completely recovered. Thank goodness there was no damage to my eye. I can see perfectly again. Now I'm starting to regret that I didn't take a page from Tiger Woods' ex-wife's playbook and hit Bode with a golf club. And I would go for below the belt, if you know what I mean.
BB: Ouch!
Morgan: It looks like we need to talk when we get home about more than just whose turn it is to take out the trash.
BB: Before this gets totally out of hand...Bode, I want to wish you success this coming season. Your fans are looking forward to your return to the slopes and racing. Morgan, I hope all goes well for you in your efforts to make the 2016 Olympic beach volleyball team. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters and researchers don't have delusions of grandeur. They are naturally intrepid.

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