Sunday, May 19, 2013

Frequently Asked Questions

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Every day we receive lots of letters, e-mails, and tweets from our readers. Since we can't reply to every inquiry individually, we thought we would print the most popular questions that we received and answer them. Our intrepid research staff was put to work to bring our readers the information that the others don't dare to print. Let's find out what our readers have been asking and what the answers to their questions are.

Question: Which teams currently have witch doctors and which ones will have them before the first race in Soelden?
Answer: Germany, Italy, and France have witch doctors. Switzerland is in the process of acquiring one for its men's speed team and Sweden is also getting its own after its failed attempt to steal Germany's witch doctor. Canada and Norway are still trying to figure out if they need one or not. The USA does not have one and is not thinking about getting one.
Question: Will the International Skiing Federation (FIS) require ski teams to have witch doctors?
Answer: Having a witch doctor is optional so far. The FIS has not ruled on whether every team must have one. In fact, the FIS is more concerned with implementing the new scoring system that will go into effect starting in Soelden (see this story) than whether or not teams have a witch doctor.
Question: Will the FIS require female racers who get married to either keep their maiden names or have a hyphenated name?
Answer: Female skiers getting married and changing their names is not on the agenda for the FIS's summer meeting. In order to avoid confusion, female skiers are encouraged to find men who have the same last name as them. If Michaela Kirchgasser was able to do it (her boyfriend is Sebastian Kirchgasser), so should the others.
Question: Silvan Zurbriggen just switched to HEAD skis. Will he still have to ski with the women next season?
Answer: Yes. All of the Swiss men on the speed team, except for Beat Feuz, will ski in women's races next season. If Beat does not have good results, he could also be relegated to skiing in women's races. (See this story).
Question: Does HEAD really have a plan to require every skier in the World Cup to use its skis?
Answer: While it does seem that HEAD has plans for World Cup domination, keep in mind that last season's overall World Cup winners, Marcel Hirscher and Tina Maze, did not use HEAD skis. At least they thought they weren't using HEAD. It turns out that HEAD has been switching out skis from other ski firms with their own and painting them to look like Atomic, Rossignol, Stoeckli, etc.
Question: Did the police ever figure out who made the death threats against Tina Maze in Garmisch?
Answer: Yes. It was a HEAD employee who was upset that Tina broke the all-time season points record using Stoeckli skis instead of HEAD. This employee discovered that Tina switched her HEAD skis that were painted to look like like Stoecklis for her real Stoecklis. He told her that if she refused to use HEAD skis, he would kill her. At first it was thought that a skier involved in the Austrian theft ring was the one who made the threats. (see this story). But HEAD used the Austrian smuggling ring as a cover for the death threats. The Blickbild will soon publish an in-depth exclusive report on HEAD's methods for taking over the World Cup.
Question: Can Dr. Mabongo (Germany's witch doctor) get out of putting a curse on the Swedish team? I really like the Swedes and feel like a curse on them that will prevent them from winning any races is unfair.
Answer: Unfortunately, Dr. Mabongo was ordered by the court to put that curse on Sweden as punishment for abducting him. Sweden had to be taught that kidnapping another team's witch doctor was wrong. The Swedish ski team had two options: ski under a curse next season or the death penalty. They opted for the curse.
Question: Would it be possible for the judge who ordered the curse on Sweden to put one on Canada instead? After cutting the women's downhill program, and Larisa Yurkiw from the team, they don't deserve to win any races.
Answer: Unfortunately, the only way to influence a Mongolian judge is to send him large quantities of fermented yak milk pellets. Norwegians may think that ojlmsfjaegger are delicious, but they have nothing on Mongolians and their fermented yak milk pellets. But our intrepid researchers are 99.99% certain that if you send the judge enough pellets, he will order Dr. Mabongo to put a curse on the Canadian team.
Question: Canada has two men who were out for a long time due to injury, Manuel Osborne-Paradis and John Kucera, and they made the national ski team. Larisa Yurkiw was also out for an extended period because of an injury and she was cut. Is Canada really such a sexist society? Why else would they keep the men but not the women?
Answer: We are sorry that we cannot answer that question. Go to Alpine Canada's website ( or to Alpine Canada's Facebook page and submit a comment. I'm sure you will get an answer related to money and the possibility of winning Olympic medals.
Question: Will Lindsey Vonn's lawsuit against Slovenia really be heard, or did a judge laugh and reject it?
Answer: Yes, it has been approved and a trial date is being set. It will be a while though, because the courts in Vail are backlogged. The people of Slovenia can breathe a sigh of relief that they won't have to pay $1 million per person to Vonn yet. They will have some time to save up their money.
Question: Is there anyone in Lindsey Vonn's family who can find Slovenia on a map?
Answer: No. Her family members will be followed by the country/place he or she thought was Slovenia. Lindsey--Sri Lanka, sister Laura--Estonia,  sister Karen--thought it did not exist,  brother Reed--South Dakota, mother--Sierra Leone, and father--Slovakia. Dad wins the prize for the closest guess, while Laura gets second place for her guess being on the same continent as Slovenia.
Question: If the US decides to invade Slovenia, how can its soldiers guarantee that they are targeting the right country?
Answer: Let's hope that US soldiers in any invasion force are better in geography than the Kildow family and that they can read maps.
Question: Is Lindsey Vonn still cheating on Tiger Woods with her physical therapist to get back at him cheating on her with his ex-wife?
Answer: According to her therapist, it wasn't really cheating because he was doing what he could to make her feel better. It was technically therapy and not infidelity.
Question: Is it true that Lindsey Vonn is pregnant with Tiger's baby?
Answer: We are sure that if she were pregnant, she would announce it. With all of the second-by-second updates that she gives about rehabilitating her knee injury, she would certainly let her fans know that she was pregnant with a little Tiger Cub.
Question: Has Lindsey Vonn found a cure for her boredom?
Answer: Judging from all of the time she has been spending at red carpet events in the States, it appears that she is no longer bored.
Question: Is driving in Europe really as difficult as Laura Kildow makes it out to be?
Answer: No. If you drive something smaller than a king-sized recreational vehicle, driving in Europe can be quite simple. You don't even need a navigation system or detailed maps. After all, the ancient Roman legions found their way from Rome to Great Britain or Romania and back without a GPS system or Google Maps.
Question: Who do you think will win the Crystal Globes and Olympic gold medals this season?
Answer: Men will win all of the men's Globes and Olympic medals. However, some of the Swiss men could sneak in there for a share of the women's Globes and medals. Carlo Janka could become the first skier to win both a men's and women's overall Globe and also Olympic gold medals in men's and women's races.
And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: They say that people who ask questions are intelligent. Therefore, we have very intelligent readers.

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