Monday, September 9, 2013

News Briefs

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our intrepid reporters and researchers are constantly striving to bring our readers the stories that the others don't dare to print. These stories often need to be updated. This issue of the Blickbild will update our readers on some of its previous stories. Instead of using our usual interview format, we will do our updates in the form of news briefs. Let's find out what is happening in World Cup Alpine Skiing.

Swiss Men to Race With Men. Last season we reported that the Swiss men's speed team was given authorization by the International Ski Federation (FIS) to compete in women's races this coming season. See this story. Their performances were so dismal last season, the only hope of salvaging any glory for the Swiss men was to have them race against women. The Swiss men's sole podium place was Carlo Janka's 3rd place finish in the Wengen super-combined race. However, a spokesman for Swiss Ski said that the men's speed team will in fact compete in men's races next season. He said that if the men competed against other men and lost to them, they could deal with it. But they would be embarrassed into having sex change operations to save face if they lost to women. Since Swiss Ski did not want to pay for gender reassignment surgery and name changes, the decision was made for the Swiss men to remain in men's races no matter how badly they perform. The only Swiss skier who was disappointed by this decision was Carlo Janka, who wanted to be the first racer in history to win both men's and women's overall Crystal Globes.

Ojlmsfjaegger Removed from List of Banned Substances. In a stunning reversal of its original decision, the FIS took ojlmsfjaegger off of its list of performance enhancing drugs. See this story.  Our  contact at the FIS, Bob, explained this turnabout. He said, "The two priorities of the FIS are safety and always being right even when we're wrong. In this case we analyzed the performances of Norwegian skiers and found that ojlmsfjaegger did not give them a competitive advantage. We were wrong, but now we're right again. Therefore we didn't violate one of our principles." Norwegian ski racers are again free to enjoy their traditional birthday treat. Oljmsfjaegger are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce.

Congo to Stop Issuing Witch Doctor Visas. Germany opened a real Pandora's Box when it hired Congolese witch doctor, Dr. Mabongo, to work with Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr last season. See this story. At the World Championships in February, it was revealed that France and Italy also acquired witch doctors to work with their teams. Sweden was thought to have a witch doctor in Schladming, but the Swedes actually kidnapped Dr. Mabongo. At the end of the season, Canada, Switzerland, Sweden, and Croatia went to the Congo to get witch doctors for their teams. Native Congolese tribes started complaining that ski federations were stealing their witch doctors and robbing them of their cultural heritage. If every ski team got itself a witch doctor, then there would not be anymore left and their people would die. After hearing the appeal of the natives, the Congolese government decided that no more witch doctor visas would be issued. Ski teams without a witch doctor will have to deal with their athletes the old fashioned way.

Slovenian Invasion Force Disbanded. After the first group to invade Slovenia ended up in Siberia, it was decided to disband the rest of the invasion force. After Colonel Robert Thanus and his men ended up in Moscow's Lubyanka prison instead of in Ljubljana, they were sent to Siberia. See this story. All communication with Col. Thanus and his followers was lost after they boarded a train to Siberia. It is rumored that they are trying to find their way back to Moscow. Various sources have reportedly spotted invasion force members in Mongolia, Uzbekistan, China, North Korea, Japan, Kyrgyzstan, and New Zealand  as well as in Siberia. Lindsey Vonn's father, Alan Kildow, and her boyfriend, Tiger Woods, decided that it was best to send the rest of the invasion force home instead of deploying them to a place that nobody seemed to be able to find on a map. Kildow and Woods were the two main sponsors of the Slovenian invasion force. Nobody, not even our intrepid research team, knows what happened to the elephants. See this story.

Vinnie "The Shark" Rehired by Red Bull. Our favorite Mafia hit man and enforcer, Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, was rehired by Red Bull. As our readers may recall, Razzovelli was hired to be Lindsey Vonn's bodyguard at the World Championships in Schladming last February. See this story. He felt guilty because he failed to protect her from injury and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane for treatment. After Razzovelli was not found to be at fault for Vonn's injury, he was released from the hospital. The Red Bull board of directors realized that Razzovelli was one of the best Mafia enforcers in the business and could always be used in some capacity on the World Cup. Red Bull is also a very forgiving firm. If Red Bull can hire an ex-East German doping doctor to run one of its training facilities in Austria, it could certainly rehire Razzovelli.

What's Up With Whitey? Whitey was the seeing eye dog that Marcel Hirscher used to help guide him on slalom and giant slalom courses before he had his eye surgery. See this story. Our readers who are animal lovers will be happy to know that Whitey has a good home with Marcel and his girlfriend. Says Marcel, "After all the help that Whitey gave me guiding me down ski courses, I could never abandon her. She will forever be loved by me and will still accompany me to races." It was previously reported that Whitey would become the Austrian team mascot and that still holds true.

Germany Forever and Always. Fritz Dopfer will compete for Germany this season. Even with the Sacher Torte and ice cream deal for Fritz being cancelled, the Austrians are still working on ways to get him back. See this story. But Fritz is staying in Germany and, as always, is proud to represent Germany on its ski team.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Let's hope that Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli doesn't feed Whitey too many ojlmsfjaegger.

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