Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Vonn and Federer Athletic Duel

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US skiing star Lindsey Vonn and Swiss tennis ace Roger Federer have challenged each other to a duel. Federer dared Vonn to a tennis match. Vonn then countered with asking him to do a ski race against her. They decided to settle on a golf match. Or did they? We normally would not report this story because we considered it too non-newsworthy even by our standards. But when not just one, but two, Austrian tabloids reported it, we figured they were onto something. We dispatched one of our intrepid reporters to Switzerland and another to Colorado to get the story. Our reporters were unable to interview Lindsey or Roger. But they were able to obtain a transcript of the meeting between representatives of Federer and Vonn that took place in an undisclosed location. They will be referred to as LV and RF for simplicity. Let's find out what they said.

LV: Lindsey will play tennis against Roger if he agrees to be in a ski race against her.
RF: Remember that Roger is Swiss and learned to ski at a very early age, just like every other kid in Switzerland.
LV: This would be Lindsey's big chance to ski against a man after the International Ski Federation turned down her request to compete in men's races. And she has been playing tennis as part of her injury rehab, so she is ready to take on Roger.
RF: Both of these would be a lose-lose situation for Roger. If he beats Lindsey, he will be viewed as the big gorilla who beat up a poor, defenseless woman. If Lindsey beats him, he will forever be the wimp who lost to a girl. We need to find a different sport where both have a chance and where Roger will still be viewed positively if he beats Lindsey.
LV: How about golf?
RF: Have you forgotten who Lindsey's boyfriend is? I'm sure that Tiger gave her a golf lesson or two. And if they did play golf, would it be on a men's or women's course? Or would they just play mini-golf? I'm sure there has to be something else.
LV: Artistic gymnastics. It gets the highest ratings at the Olympics. Everybody loves gymnastics.
RF: I don't think that would work. Men and women compete on different pieces of gymnastics apparatus.
LV: We can limit the competition to the two common events, which are vaulting and floor exercise.
RF: Hey, wait a minute! I saw childhood photos of Lindsey and she did gymnastics as a kid. She would have an unfair advantage over Roger. Anyway, Roger doesn't have the right body type for gymnastics.
LV: How about javelin throwing? Roger has strong arms from tennis and Lindsey is very strong from all of her workouts.
RF: That's also a no-go. Lindsey can throw things really far. I have seen her throw her ski poles many times when she loses a race. If she wasn't a ski racer, she would have won an Olympic gold medal in javelin throwing.
LV: What about bowling? That's a sport where both men and women compete on an equal basis. Roger can't possibly have any problems with bowling.
RF: Would that be American bowling or European style?
LV: American bowling of course. Lindsey doesn't know how to do European bowling. The rules for the games are too complex. American bowling is much simpler.
RF: Since Roger does not have much experience with American bowling, Lindsey would automatically win. Anyway, we can't do anything that would tire out Roger's tennis arm.
LV: I'm out of ideas. Why don't you come up with something?
RF: How about a darts or archery tournament?
LV: Are you kidding?
RF: No. Men and women both have equal chances in darts or archery. It would be fun for both of them.
LV: I think you're forgetting this is going to be televised to the world. Darts and archery are not exactly the most exciting things to watch on TV.
RF: I was also going to suggest snooker, but that is also rather boring to watch.
LV: That's a good thing because Lindsey doesn't play snooker. She's not British!
RF: Maybe we are looking at this the wrong way. Instead of Lindsey and Roger competing in a sport, why don't they play a game? Chess is a very good game. You don't need to have big muscles or athletic ability to play chess.
LV: Uh...Lindsey doesn't play chess. It would be too geeky for her image if she was shown on TV playing chess.
RF: What about Monopoly? Everybody has played Monopoly. In the interest of neutrality, we could play Lithuanian Monopoly so that there is no bias toward the US or Swiss version.
LV: Lindsey doesn't like Monopoly because it involves handling money. Anything that's money-related gives her nightmares about her former tax problems.
RF: Monopoly money is not real money. It's play money.
LV: It doesn't matter. Money is money. I think we will have to give up on the idea of Lindsey and Roger competing against each other in something.
RF: No, we should not give up. I have one more suggestion. How about a match of Rock, Paper, Scissors? It doesn't involve handling money, it isn't considered nerdy, and both men and women are on a level playing field.
LV: Rock, Paper, Scissors would be perfect! Let's set up a date, preferably before the race in Beaver Creek.
RF: I'll meet with Roger, you meet with Lindsey, and then we will set up the TV date for the Ultimate Rock, Paper, Scissors showdown.
LV: OK, let's meet back here same time next week with all of the details. This will be the biggest sporting event of the year!
At this point both representatives shook hands and left.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

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