Saturday, November 30, 2013

Vonn Injured in Training Crash

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
Last week US skiing superstar Lindsey Vonn crashed during a training run. She had facial cuts, a shoulder contusion, a knee strain, and a partial tear of the ACL that she tore last February in Schladming. The others have already reported this story, so it is very old news. We normally would avoid it like we would a viper pit and stick to our usual stories involving witch doctors and Norwegian birthday treats. But one of our intrepid reporters was on the scene in Copper Mountain, ready and able to provide a unique perspective on Vonn's accident. Our reporter managed to run into one of Vonn's spokespeople, who will decode the mystery surrounding the US Ski Team's silence about the injury. This representative asked to remain anonymous, so we are calling her Margaret. Let's find out what Margaret has to say.
BB: Last February Lindsey blamed the conditions in Schladming for her accident. Does she blame the conditions in Copper Mountain for her latest crash?
Margaret: No. Everything was good in Copper Mountain. The weather and snow conditions were perfect.
BB: There were no course workers who left a pile of soft snow in her path like in Schladming?
Margaret: No.
BB: She didn't have a belly ache before training that day?
Margaret: No. She ate her usual breakfast and her stomach was fine.
BB: Was she distracted because she and Tiger argued?
Margaret: No, she was in a good state of mind. She said that her knee was feeling great and she was ready to win the downhill and Super-G races next weekend.
BB: Was she otherwise distracted? One of our intrepid researchers found out that she hired someone to create a birth certificate that would make her younger than Mikaela Shiffrin. Why would she do that?
Margaret: As everyone who follows World Cup skiing knows, records are extremely important to Lindsey. Nothing else matters to her because she needs every record she can get to cement her legacy. The only way an athlete remains known is through having lots of records. She wants to set the bar high with so many records that nobody will ever be able to catch her. When she saw Mikaela winning a world championship gold medal and a Crystal Globe at such a young age, it made her jealous. Lindsey wanted to be the youngest American woman to win a world championship gold medal and Crystal Globe. Getting a new birth certificate would enable her to have that record.
BB: That certainly is a creative way to get a record.
Margaret: Lindsey can be very intrepid.
BB: But she will never be as intrepid as our reporters or research team! The Blickbild has the most intrepid reporters and researchers in the business! (short pause) From what I can gather, Lindsey only has herself to blame for her crash. It seems like she was trying to come back too soon from her Schladming injury.
Margaret: How dare you imply that the crash was her fault! She was not trying to come back too soon. She did everything that her doctors and physical therapists told her to do and was actually ahead of schedule with her recovery. Lindsey really is a superhuman rehabber! She will skip the races in Beaver Creek, but she will make the biggest comeback ever in World Cup skiing history in Lake Louise.
BB: I'm sure she will, which implies that her knee injury was not as serious as people originally thought it was. Perhaps she is playing mind games to get her opponents to feel sorry for her?
Margaret: She doesn't need to play mind games because she is naturally better than the others. After all, you don't see the other racers chasing records to ensure their legacies.
BB: So the weather and snow in Copper Mountain were good, she was not distracted, her knee and belly felt fine. I have the feeling that you're hiding the real reason for her crash from our readers.
Margaret: Here is the official explanation. A men's team was training on the course before Lindsey did her run and left some ruts. One of her skis got caught in a rut, which caused her to fall.
BB: That's it? Most people can extricate their skis from a rut without falling. Since she is superhuman, what is the real reason? I can tell you're hiding something from me.
Margaret: OK, here goes. The real reason is two kids were playing with their Ski Racer Barbie dolls and using them as voodoo dolls.
BB: This sounds like a very plausible explanation. Are you sure that an opposing team's witch doctor didn't put a curse on her?
Margaret: Yes, I'm sure. We found the kids and the dolls.
BB: Tell our readers what happened.
Margaret: Two 7-year-old twin sisters from Vail, who I will call Renee and Dustie, were playing with their Ski Racer Barbie dolls. They had the special Lindsey Vonn edition dolls with their replica speed suits and gold medals. They were having the dolls ski down their Barbie Olympic Ski Mountain and having them take turns winning their races.
BB: That sounds very innocent. I don't see any voodoo involved so far.
Margaret: That's right. After a while Renee decided that her doll was Stacey Cook and Dustie decided that hers was Lindsey. Renee's doll was faster down the Barbie Olympic Ski Mountain than Dustie's three times in a row. Both girls are big fans of Lindsey and wanted to do something to help Dustie's doll beat Renee's, just like in real life. The night before, the girls had watched a National Geographic TV program about alternative medicine. One of the segments was about acupuncture. The girls decided to so some acupuncture with Dustie's doll. They got some pins from their mother's sewing box and put then in the doll's face, shoulder, and right knee.
BB: Oh dear! Those are the same places where Lindsey was injured.
Margaret: It gets even better. After putting the pins in the dolls, they decided to have them race down the Barbie Olympic Ski Mountain one more time. That was at the exact time that Lindsey had her crash. Was this a coincidence? I don't think so!
BB: Come on, these are Barbie dolls, not real voodoo dolls. Renee and Dustie are also 7-year-old children and not witch doctors.  It had to be a coincidence.
Margaret: When the girls put the pins in the Barbie doll, they also said, "Eenie meanie, chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak."
BB: That is from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Our intrepid researchers found out that the girls watch Rocky and Bullwinkle DVDs. So you are saying that Lindsey crashed because two girls stuck pins in a doll and quoted a line from an old cartoon show?
Margaret: That is exactly what happened.
BB: What will happen to the girls?
Margaret: At first Lindsey was very upset that little girls would use their Ski Racer Barbies as voodoo dolls. Then she thought about her reputation as someone that kids look up to if she were to yell at Renee and Dustie in public or talk to a reporter about what they did. She decided it was better to do nothing herself. But she did call her former bodyguard, Red Bull Mafia hit man Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, to talk with the girls and their mother.
BB: What happened to the dolls?
Margaret: Vinnie wanted to destroy the dolls. But he was worried that if he destroyed the dolls, Lindsey would experience even more bodily harm. He let the girls keep their dolls, but told them not to stick pins in them anymore. Vinnie also told the girls that he was keeping an eye on them and threatened to take their dolls away if they ever put pins in them again. Both girls will undergo extensive psychotherapy to figure out why they would play with their Ski Racer Barbie dolls that way.
BB: Don't you think that Dustie and Renee could have bright futures working as witch doctors for a ski team? Since the Congo stopped issuing witch doctor visas, ski teams have to find different ways to get one. Why not use homegrown talent?
Margaret: The point is that they were not playing appropriately with their dolls. Dustie was always supposed to let Renee's doll win. That is the way of the US ski team. Lindsey must always win.
BB: Of course. It would be a scandal if Lindsey were beaten by one of her lesser teammates, whether it was in real life or with seven-year-olds playing with their Barbie dolls. Well, it looks like we are just about out of time. Margaret, I want to thank you for your special insight.  And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Barbie dolls and Bullwinkle are evidently a deadly combination.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

No comments: