Frequently Asked Questions

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Every day we receive lots of letters, e-mails, and tweets from our readers. Since we can't reply to every inquiry individually, we thought we would print the most popular questions that we received and answer them. Our intrepid research staff was put to work to bring our readers the information that the others don't dare to print. Let's find out what our readers have been asking and what the answers to their questions are.

Question: Which teams currently have witch doctors and which ones will have them before the first race in Soelden?

Answer: Germany, Italy, and France have witch doctors. Switzerland is in the process of acquiring one for its men's speed team and Sweden is also getting its own after its failed attempt to steal Germany's witch doctor. Canada and Norway are still trying to figure out if they need one or not. The USA does not have one and is not thinking about getting one.
Question: Will the International Skiing Federation (FIS) require ski teams to have witch doctors?
Answer: Having a witch doctor is optional so far. The FIS has not ruled on whether every team must have one. In fact, the FIS is more concerned with implementing the new scoring system that will go into effect starting in Soelden (see this story) than whether or not teams have a witch doctor.
Question: Will the FIS require female racers who get married to either keep their maiden names or have a hyphenated name?
Answer: Female skiers getting married and changing their names is not on the agenda for the FIS's summer meeting. In order to avoid confusion, female skiers are encouraged to find men who have the same last name as them. If Michaela Kirchgasser was able to do it (her boyfriend is Sebastian Kirchgasser), so should the others.

Question: Silvan Zurbriggen just switched to HEAD skis. Will he still have to ski with the women next season?

Answer: Yes. All of the Swiss men on the speed team, except for Beat Feuz, will ski in women's races next season. If Beat does not have good results, he could also be relegated to skiing in women's races. (See this story).
Question: Does HEAD really have a plan to require every skier in the World Cup to use its skis?
Answer: While it does seem that HEAD has plans for World Cup domination, keep in mind that last season's overall World Cup winners, Marcel Hirscher and Tina Maze, did not use HEAD skis. At least they thought they weren't using HEAD. It turns out that HEAD has been switching out skis from other ski firms with their own and painting them to look like Atomic, Rossignol, Stoeckli, etc.
Question: Did the police ever figure out who made the death threats against Tina Maze in Garmisch?
Answer: Yes. It was a HEAD employee who was upset that Tina broke the all-time season points record using Stoeckli skis instead of HEAD. This employee discovered that Tina switched her HEAD skis that were painted to look like like Stoecklis for her real Stoecklis. He told her that if she refused to use HEAD skis, he would kill her. At first it was thought that a skier involved in the Austrian theft ring was the one who made the threats. (see this story). But HEAD used the Austrian smuggling ring as a cover for the death threats. The Blickbild will soon publish an in-depth exclusive report on HEAD's methods for taking over the World Cup.
Question: Can Dr. Mabongo (Germany's witch doctor) get out of putting a curse on the Swedish team? I really like the Swedes and feel like a curse on them that will prevent them from winning any races is unfair.
Answer: Unfortunately, Dr. Mabongo was ordered by the court to put that curse on Sweden as punishment for abducting him. Sweden had to be taught that kidnapping another team's witch doctor was wrong. The Swedish ski team had two options: ski under a curse next season or the death penalty. They opted for the curse.
Question: Would it be possible for the judge who ordered the curse on Sweden to put one on Canada instead? After cutting the women's downhill program, and Larisa Yurkiw from the team, they don't deserve to win any races.
Answer: Unfortunately, the only way to influence a Mongolian judge is to send him large quantities of fermented yak milk pellets. Norwegians may think that ojlmsfjaegger are delicious, but they have nothing on Mongolians and their fermented yak milk pellets. But our intrepid researchers are 99.99% certain that if you send the judge enough pellets, he will order Dr. Mabongo to put a curse on the Canadian team.
Question: Canada has two men who were out for a long time due to injury, Manuel Osborne-Paradis and John Kucera, and they made the national ski team. Larisa Yurkiw was also out for an extended period because of an injury and she was cut. Is Canada really such a sexist society? Why else would they keep the men but not the women?
Answer: We are sorry that we cannot answer that question. Go to Alpine Canada's website (http://www.alpinecanada.org/alpine) or to Alpine Canada's Facebook page and submit a comment. I'm sure you will get an answer related to money and the possibility of winning Olympic medals.
Question: Will Lindsey Vonn's lawsuit against Slovenia really be heard, or did a judge laugh and reject it?
Answer: Yes, it has been approved and a trial date is being set. It will be a while though, because the courts in Vail are backlogged. The people of Slovenia can breathe a sigh of relief that they won't have to pay $1 million per person to Vonn yet. They will have some time to save up their money.
Question: Is there anyone in Lindsey Vonn's family who can find Slovenia on a map?
Answer: No. Her family members will be followed by the country/place he or she thought was Slovenia. Lindsey--Sri Lanka, sister Laura--Estonia,  sister Karen--thought it did not exist,  brother Reed--South Dakota, mother--Sierra Leone, and father--Slovakia. Dad wins the prize for the closest guess, while Laura gets second place for her guess being on the same continent as Slovenia.
Question: If the US decides to invade Slovenia, how can its soldiers guarantee that they are targeting the right country?
Answer: Let's hope that US soldiers in any invasion force are better in geography than the Kildow family and that they can read maps.
Question: Is Lindsey Vonn still cheating on Tiger Woods with her physical therapist to get back at him cheating on her with his ex-wife?
Answer: According to her therapist, it wasn't really cheating because he was doing what he could to make her feel better. It was technically therapy and not infidelity.
Question: Is it true that Lindsey Vonn is pregnant with Tiger's baby?
Answer: We are sure that if she were pregnant, she would announce it. With all of the second-by-second updates that she gives about rehabilitating her knee injury, she would certainly let her fans know that she was pregnant with a little Tiger Cub.
Question: Has Lindsey Vonn found a cure for her boredom?
Answer: Judging from all of the time she has been spending at red carpet events in the States, it appears that she is no longer bored.
Question: Is driving in Europe really as difficult as Laura Kildow makes it out to be?
Answer: No. If you drive something smaller than a king-sized recreational vehicle, driving in Europe can be quite simple. You don't even need a navigation system or detailed maps. After all, the ancient Roman legions found their way from Rome to Great Britain or Romania and back without a GPS system or Google Maps.
Question: Who do you think will win the Crystal Globes and Olympic gold medals this season?
Answer: Men will win all of the men's Globes and Olympic medals. However, some of the Swiss men could sneak in there for a share of the women's Globes and medals. Carlo Janka could become the first skier to win both a men's and women's overall Globe and also Olympic gold medals in men's and women's races.
And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: They say that people who ask questions are intelligent. Therefore, we have very intelligent readers.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook.



Swiss Men to Compete Against Women in 2013/14

SWISS MEN’S SPEED TEAM TO RACE WITH WOMEN IN 2013/14

A Boston Blickbild exclusive interview

The Swiss men’s speed team has had a very disappointing season. The season started on a low note when 2012 overall runner-up Beat Feuz announced that he was taking the season off to let a knee injury and infection heal. The team’s veterans, Carlo Janka, Silvan Zurbriggen, and Didier Defago, often finished out of the points in their races. Younger team members Sandro Viletta and Marc Gisin also performed poorly. The crisis affecting the Swiss team was all over the press. Every Swiss and international news bureau covered the story. Because of the poor performances of the Swiss men, they were given special permission by the International Ski Federation (FIS) to compete in women’s races starting next season. The Blickbild was granted an exclusive interview with Janka, Zurbriggen, Defago, and Gisin. Viletta was unfortunately unavailable. This interview was conducted before Carlo Janka’s 3^rd place finish in today’s Wengen super-combined race.

BB: Tell us why you think your performances have been unusually poor this season.

Janka: I had a mystery virus, a heart procedure, and back problems. Then I lost my mojo.

Zurbriggen: For me it is age. I am way past my prime and should have retired three years ago to work in a chocolate factory.

Defago: Everyone goes through up and down periods. Unfortunately the whole team seems to be on a big down cycle. It’s contagious. One guy has a bad run and then the others copy him.

Gisin:  I had an unhappy childhood because Mum always liked Dominique better than me.

BB: What have you been doing to try and improve your mental state and performances on the race course?

Zurbriggen: I am trying to channel (retired teammate) Didier Cuche and have even learned how to do his post-run ski flip. Didier was a late bloomer and maybe I am one too.

Defago: I am also channeling the other Didier by shaving my head. If I can look like the other Didier, I should also be able to ski like him.

Janka: Aksel Lund Svindal and I are about the same size. I planned to go into his hotel room, steal his speed suit, and replace it with mine. I would ski as Aksel and he as me. That way someone in a Swiss speed suit would do well in a race and the press would stop writing negative articles about us. But my plan was foiled because as soon as I broke into his hotel room, his two attack-trained reindeer, Olaf and Thor, gored me in the belly with their antlers. I was lucky to escape with my life!

Gisin: Here’s an example of how Mum liked Dominique better than me. Both of us tore our ACLs last season. Dominique was sent to the finest orthopedic clinic in Zurich to have her knee repaired. The best surgeons in Switzerland operated on her. Where did Mum send me? To the medical school in Geneva! Medical students operated on my knee! No wonder she is having better results than me this season!

BB: How do you view your chances for winning a medal at the world championships in Schladming in a few weeks?

Zurbriggen: I would love a medal, but the chances of me winning one are slim to none.

Janka: If I can find my mojo before Schladming, I have a good chance of winning a medal.

Defago: Anything is possible. Nobody expected me to win an Olympic gold medal in Vancouver and I did.

Gisin: Here’s more proof about how Mum loved Dominique more than me. All of Dominique’s medals and trophies are on display at my parents’ house. Mum told me that there is no room to display mine and I had to put them in the cellar.

BB: How did you decide that racing against women would solve the crisis with the speed team?

Defago: When I finished the downhill in Lake Louise last November in 57^th place, someone shouted at me, “You ski like a girl!” when I was in the finish area. That really stung. If I was going to ski like a girl, I might as well race with them.

Janka: I was 47^th in Val Gardena this year. Christian Simari-Birkner, the perennial last place finisher, actually did better than me in that race. He even tweeted, “Wasn’t dead last today! Beat the pants off of Carlo Janka!” When I read that, I thought that if I skied with the women he would go back to being last place again. If the women started beating me, I could steal one of Lindsey Vonn’s speed suits. We’re both about the same size. Imagine the fun it would be skiing as her and she as me.

Zurbriggen: As I said before, I was working on doing the Didier Cuche ski flip. When I finished my run in Beaver Creek, which was only good enough for 45^th place, I loosened up my binding and flipped my ski. Unfortunately, the ski went too far. The next skier down after me, who was from the Central African Republic, happened to finish about 5 seconds after I did. And he was in a snowplow! Anyway, my ski sailed over my shoulder and hit the African skier in the head. The last I heard, he is still in a coma on life support. But that got me thinking. Coming in just ahead of an African snowplower made me realize that I’m not good enough to compete with the men anymore and that I should race against the ladies.

Gisin: If I raced against women, and beat Dominique, then Mum would have to love me as much as she loves Dominique. I would show Mum who the best skier in the family really is! She would finally be proud of me.

BB: When Lindsey Vonn tried to race against men, the FIS turned her down. The FIS told her that men and women should have their separate races, though women can be forerunners in men’s races. How did you get the FIS to let you race against women?

Defago: Let’s just say that our performances this season speak for themselves.

Zurbriggen: Yeah, we stink!

Janka: We were so bad that Gunther Hujara set up a special meeting of the FIS board to grant us an exemption to the normal rules of competition.

Gisin: Here’s what really sealed the deal with the FIS. Dominique has her pilot’s license. I wanted to get my pilot’s license too, but Mum said that one pilot in the family is enough. I wish that Mum didn’t love Dominique more. She even loves my younger sister Michelle more than me.

Janka: Marc, we’re all sick and tired of you going on about how your mother doesn’t love you. Grow up and get over it already! I took a break during this season to find my mojo and nobody wrote about my comeback. Every newspaper, magazine, and TV channel had stories about Lindsey Vonn’s big comeback. I had about the same amount of time off and nobody mentioned anything about my big comeback in Adelboden. It was like I didn’t exist anymore despite being a world, Olympic, and World Cup overall champion. There were no parades or even trumpets playing a special fanfare at the races. But do you hear me whining about being neglected by the press? No! I sucked it up and moved on with my life. You need to do the same.

BB: How do you think you will do against the women next season?

Janka: I could become the first skier in World Cup history to win both a men’s and women’s overall Globe. How cool is that!

Defago: We’ll restore glory to the Swiss men’s team by taking all of the podium spots in the women’s races.

Zurbriggen: I can put off retirement even longer.

Gisin: Mum will finally be proud of me, unless she decides to hate me even more for beating Dominique in races.

BB: Thank you for your time and insights into the world of professional ski racing. Good luck competing against the women next season.

Zurbriggen: It was a pleasure, as always, talking with the Blickbild.

Janka: It is always interesting to talk with the Blickbild.

Defago: I enjoyed this interview very much.

Gisin: Wait until I tell Mum that I was interviewed by the Blickbild and Dominique wasn’t. That’s one point for me, a big fat zero for Dominique. Bwahahahahaha!

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true.