Skiers To Give Their World Championship Medals To Lindsey Vonn

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild is known for its interviews. But we at the Blickbild are not afraid to try new things and have done this piece in the style of a traditional news story. We are still upholding our high journalistic standards and maintaining our reputation as the one who will print the stories that nobody else will. Hopefully our readers will enjoy this story as much as they do our exclusive interviews. 

SCHLADMING, Austria:  After a tense 3-month standoff, the Austrian women have finally given in to the demand from the International Skiing Federation (FIS) to give skier Lindsey Vonn all of the medals that they will earn at the World Championships in Schladming, which will open on Monday. FIS officials were afraid that the championships would have to be cancelled because the Austrian women wanted to keep their medals instead of giving them to Vonn. But thanks to some clever negotiations, the Austrian women have capitulated and the championships can go on as scheduled. 

The idea of giving Vonn medals started with her best, and only, friend on the World Cup circuit, German skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch. She said, “I still feel guilty about what happened in Lenzerheide two seasons ago, when I won the overall World Cup globe by 3 points after the final race was cancelled due to the weather. I wanted to do something to make my friend feel better after everything that she has been through with her divorce, tax problems, stomach aches, and depression. I thought it would make her feel good if I gave her any gold medals that I earn in Schladming. I know that she would never do the same for me, but sometimes in a friendship, one person must give more.”

Hoefl-Riesch’s idea of giving Vonn her gold medals very quickly spread to other skiers. Vonn’s teammate Julia Mancuso and British skier Chemmy Alcott were the next to pledge to give any gold medals that they earn to Vonn. Mancuso and Alcott know all about helping others. They were the founders of the Skiers Helping Japan charity, which aided victims of the devastating 2011 earthquake and tsunami. Once Mancuso and Alcott got involved, word spread quickly and the female skiers participating in the World Championships vowed to give their gold medals to Vonn.

One of Vonn’s public relations spokesmen, who chose to remain anonymous, said that this was not good enough. He said that Vonn’s legacy must exceed that of former champion Anja Paerson, who is the only skier in history, male or female, to earn gold medals in all five disciplines at the world championships. The spokesman said, “Even if Lindsey gets all of the gold medals, she will only tie Paerson’s accomplishment. Lindsey needs something to completely obliterate Paerson from the record books and establish the Vonn legacy. Any Alpine skier who earns a medal, whether it’s gold, silver, or bronze, must give her medal to Lindsey. That way Lindsey will have earned every medal possible at a world championship. Nobody will ever be able to match that achievement and it will stand in the record books forever. ” The spokesman also brought up the 2010 Olympics, where Vonn brought her downhill gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony and was criticized for it. Vonn won a bronze medal in the Olympic Super-G. “Now if Lindsey earns a silver or bronze medal, she will also have a gold medal to go along with it. There is no way anybody can say she is doing anything wrong or tacky at the award ceremony.”

All of the other women on the World Cup circuit, except for the Austrians, enthusiastically endorsed giving their medals to Vonn. World Cup overall leader Tina Maze of Slovenia explained why this was such a great idea. “I feel terrible that I am leading the overall standings this year instead of Lindsey. When I think of how I am contributing to her depression, it makes me depressed. So when I heard about the idea of giving Lindsey all of the medals that I earn in Schladming, I knew that it was the right thing to do. It would help to make both of us feel good.” US ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin also jumped on the bandwagon to help her teammate. According to Shiffrin, “Lindsey feels so bad because I’m getting a lot of media attention for my achievements. She is out of the limelight and it makes her angry and upset. Giving her any medals that I earn will turn the attention back to her, where it rightfully belongs.”

Even the men got into the act. Mancuso’s boyfriend, Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal, thought that giving Vonn all of his medals was a splendid idea. Svindal, who is known for his sportsmanship, said, “I thought that my Olympic bronze medal was special because Kjetil (teammate Kjetil Jansrud) was on the podium with me. But I was wrong. Any medal that I earn in Schladming will be even more special because I will give it to Lindsey in order to make her feel good and to make it easier for Julia in team meetings. I will be helping two people simultaneously.” Austrian Marcel Hirscher, last season’s World Cup overall champion, also got his fellow men to donate their medals to Vonn. “If I can give my race winnings to Italian earthquake victims,” he said, “I can certainly give Lindsey all of my world championship medals. She is a more worthy cause than people who lost everything in an earthquake. There is nothing in this world worse than depression and belly aches.” Even injured Swiss sensation Beat Feuz had something to say. “I wish that I wasn’t injured this season so that I could compete in Schladming and give Lindsey all of my medals. I know she would really appreciate that.”

Still, the Austrian women adamantly refused to give any medals to Vonn.  Anna Fenninger, the 2011 World Championship super-combined gold medalist, summed up the Austrian position. “First she disrespected us women by saying that she wanted to ski with men because we were too boring. Then she wants us to hand over the medals that we earn. Forget it!” Fenninger’s teammate Michaela Kirchgasser had an even stronger stance. “First she expected to get 2000 points and all 5 globes this season. Then she wanted to race against men and beat them. If she is so great, she should be able to earn medals in Schladming without any help from us. She won’t get any of my medals.”  Elisabeth Goergl, the veteran member of the Austrian team, and the 2011 World Championship gold medalist in downhill and Super-G, also had some choice words for Vonn. “When Lindsey can beat us women in every race by huge margins, then she is worthy of my medals. Until then, she must earn them the old-fashioned way like the rest of us.”

To get the Austrian women to change their position, many unsuccessful tactics were tried. First the FIS threatened to give the ladies, even the top-ranked ones, start numbers of 60 and over in races. That threat failed when the FIS officials looked in their rule book and found that they legally could not do that. Then they called the skiers’ sponsors to have them withdraw their support. That also failed because they receive most of their support from the Austrian Ski Federation. The FIS threatened to take away all of the skiers’ World Cup points, but still the Austrian women did not budge. Threats to demote all of the women to the Nor-Am circuit (an FIS spokesman reasoned that the Europa Cup circuit would be too close to home) also did not work. Even when the FIS said that it would have special voodoo dolls of the Austrian women’s team made, the ladies were still unfazed.

Red Bull and HEAD, Vonn’s main sponsors, decided to try convincing the Austrian women to change their minds.  Mafia enforcer Vinnie “The Shark” Razzovelli was summoned. Within minutes, the whole Austrian women’s team agreed to give all of its world championship medals to Vonn. Fenninger explained the team’s quick turnaround. “It’s hard to argue when someone is pointing a gun at my kneecaps. I treasure my knees more than medals. If Lindsey really wants all of my medals that badly, she can have them.” Fenninger’s teammates had the same reaction and they all signed a binding pledge to give all of their medals to Vonn.

Now that all of the skiers, male and female, plan to give all of their medals to Vonn, the 2013 World Championships in Schladming will be the most exciting ones ever. The Blickbild will be in Schladming reporting all of the action on and off the slopes.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the other papers are too scared to print. 

German Skiers Consult Witch Doctor

GERMAN SKIERS CONSULT WITCH DOCTOR

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild never gives up when it comes to bringing readers the stories that nobody else dares to print. For this particular story the first reporter and interpreter that we sent to the heart of the Congo, where no Western man has gone before, never returned. So we sent another reporter and interpreter. They also never came back. Either through sheer determination or total stupidity, we sent another reporter and interpreter. They did come back and are part of this Blickbild exclusive interview along with Maria Hoefl-Riesch, Lena Duerr, their trainer Christian Schwaiger, and even the witch doctor himself. Our condolences go to the families of the journalists and interpreters who perished in the Congo. We will miss those members of our Blickbild family.

BB: Tell our readers why you decided to consult a witch doctor and not a regular sports psychologist.

Hoefl-Riesch: I have been having problems with my confidence since the last part of the 2010-11 season. It has to do with my friend Lindsey Vonn. Every time she does well, it affects me. She is simply amazing and wins races so easily.

Schwaiger: Maria is one of the top skiers in the world and definitely the best all-around racer. She has no weak discipline, unlike the others on the World Cup.  She is a world champion, an Olympic gold medalist, and a World Cup overall champion. But put her anywhere near Lindsey Vonn and she falls apart. She lets Lindsey get inside her head.

Hoefl-Riesch: Lindsey is practically unbeatable. She is fantastic. Nobody compares to her, especially in the speed races.  I will never be as good as her.

Schwaiger: At first we consulted a sports psychologist. The German Ski Federation (DSV) found someone who was willing to work with our skiers. Dr. Mueller used to work on mental training for the Swiss men’s speed team this season.

BB: Didn’t the fact that Dr. Mueller worked with this season’s Swiss men’s speed team give you a hint that he was not the best choice?

Schwaiger: The DSV needed to do something to help Maria get her self-belief back and Dr. Mueller’s fee was very cheap. After Lindsey Vonn came back from her break earlier this season and started moving up the overall standings, Maria’s performances got worse and worse. She was doing fine while Lindsey was taking her break. But as soon as Lindsey came back, Maria started falling apart. She needed immediate therapy.

BB: And then you consulted a hypnotist after you fired Dr. Mueller, correct?

Schwaiger: Right. He had Maria practice relaxing and imagining herself crossing the finish line of a race in first place. But as soon as Maria saw Lindsey hanging out by the start house before the race in Cortina, she couldn’t keep the image of herself as a winner in her head. Her confidence left her and Lindsey got back into her head.

Hoefl-Riesch: After both the psychologist and hypnotist failed to get Lindsey out of my head, I decided to find an exorcist. I thought he would be able to exorcise the demons that Lindsey put in my head and then my confidence would return. But Lindsey is the absolute best. She is impossible to beat.

BB: What happened with the exorcist?

Hoefl-Riesch: He performed a standard exorcism ritual. I felt something come out of me and I ended up vomiting it up. The exorcist examined my vomit and didn’t find any demons. But he could tell that I had schnitzel and salad for lunch. Lindsey made that meal for me because she is such a nice person in addition to being an unbeatable skier.

BB: And that’s when you decided to find a witch doctor?
Schwaiger: Correct. That’s when the DSV contacted the Blickbild about bringing Dr. Mabongo to Germany. The Blickbild had run a series on witch doctors in the Congo and Dr. Mabongo was featured in it. He seemed like the perfect person to help both Maria and Lena.

BB: I can understand why Maria needs a witch doctor. But why does Lena need one?

Schwaiger: Lena also has problems with self-confidence. She will have one good run and one terrible one in a technical race.  This pattern has persisted for the past few seasons and Lena needs help breaking it. If Dr. Mabongo can help all of those natives in the Congo, he could certainly help Maria and Lena.

Duerr: When I see how well Mikaela Shiffrin and other young skiers are doing on the World Cup, it makes me feel like I’m failing somehow. My trainers say that I simply need more experience on the World Cup circuit and then everything will come together. But I have been competing in World Cup races since 2008 and feel like a failure because younger skiers keep passing me up. Maria is my idol and I want to be as successful as she is. If she is not ashamed to ask for help, then I shouldn’t be either.

Hoefl-Riesch: Thank you for the compliment, but the real person who should be your idol is Lindsey. If you aspire to be like her, you will be unbeatable.

BB: I’ll let the reporter who ventured to the Congo explain how he found Dr. Mabongo and brought him to Germany to help the skiers.

Reporter: I flew into Brazzaville, then had a two day drive into the heart of the jungle. When the road ended, I had to walk for eight hours to reach Dr. Mabongo’s village. I was greeted by tribesmen pointing spears at me and speaking in an incomprehensible language. Thank goodness for my trusty interpreter. The interpreter said that we were going to end up like the others who dared to enter the village. I looked to my right and saw 4 shrunken heads on tall stakes. They were the heads of the reporters and interpreters who never came back. Now I know what happened to them. Somehow I still had my wits about me because just as I was about to be thrown into a pot of boiling water and turned into soup, I reached into my pocket and pulled out autograph cards of Maria and Lena. The natives had a look of shock on their faces, then they suddenly bowed down to me, after which they got up and ran away. About 10 minutes later they returned with Dr. Mabongo. The doctor was an imposing presence as he drew himself up to his full height of 125 cm. He took the autograph cards, looked at them, and said, “Poor Maria. I thought she got her confidence back after she took that short break last season. And now Lena is having problems. But you came to the right place because I can help them.” The DSV provided Dr. Mabongo with a plane ticket to Germany. Dr. Mabongo packed up his potions, magic bones, drums, voodoo dolls, and juju beads and we headed back to Germany. Dr. Mabongo told me that he normally doesn’t make house calls, but he was willing to make an exception to help Maria and Lena.

BB: Herr Schwaiger, do you think that Dr. Mabongo will be the one to help Maria and Lena?

Schwaiger: Neither a psychologist, nor a hypnotist, nor an exorcist could help my skiers. A witch doctor may be just what Maria and Lena need, especially Maria. In her last three races she had two DNFs and a 19^th place. She can’t get much worse.

BB: Dr. Mabongo, what makes you qualified to work with Maria and Lena?

Dr. Mabongo (speaking through an interpreter): All of the first-born sons in my family have been witch doctors since the world was created by a swarm of giant mosquitoes many moons ago.

BB: The Earth was created by a swarm of giant mosquitoes? What the…?

Dr. Mabongo: Of course it was! How else could it have been created?

BB: Uh, right. Anyway Dr. Mabongo, how do you plan to treat Maria and Lena?

Dr. Mabongo:  Lena will be easier to treat because she is still young.  Maria will be harder, but in the end she too will be cured. First I will use my juju beads to bring good juju to both women.  Then I will wave my magic bones over their heads while singing the Witch Doctor song. I will also play the Witch Doctor song on my drums to allow the magic to penetrate their bodies. Before races they will sing the Witch Doctor song chorus to themselves. It will make them smile and therefore relax. I am also making three special voodoo dolls: one of Maria, one of Lena, and one of Lindsey Vonn. I will have the Maria and Lena dolls ski on a practice race course that I will build out of Legos. I will have the Maria doll win every race on the practice course. The Lena doll will have two clean and fast runs on a slalom and giant slalom course in its practice races. Both women will also get a magic charm made out of juju beads to wear under their speed suits that will bring them luck in their races. They will also drink a special potion made from the fruit of the baobab tree at every meal.

BB: You said that the Maria and Lena dolls will do well on their practice race courses. What is the Lindsey doll for?

Dr. Mabongo:  I will stick pins in the Lindsey doll’s legs and stomach. The real Lindsey will get weak legs and stomach aches, causing her to lose races. In the end Maria will realize that Lindsey can be beaten and her self-belief will come back. I worked with Tina Maze last summer and she is now the best female racer by far this season. If I can do that for Tina, I can help Maria and Lena.

BB: One more question, Dr. Mabongo. When our reporter arrived in your village, and pulled out his autograph cards, how did your fellow tribesmen recognize Maria and Lena? Your village is in the heart of the Congo, in the middle of a dense jungle where very few others have ever been.

Dr. Mabongo: First of all, my tribe has been featured in National Geographic. Many teenagers got their first looks at naked people through reading about my tribe in National Geographic. Secondly, there is a village that is a twelve-hour walk from my village through the densest jungle in Africa. Austrian missionaries tried to convert the villagers there to Christianity and also brought a TV for their own entertainment. The missionaries were killed but the villagers kept the TV, which only receives the Austrian channel ORF. Every week we walk to that village to watch TV. And what do you think is on ORF? Ski racing and interviews with ski racers. I know all of the World Cup ski racers from watching ORF and even learned German.

BB: Very interesting story, Dr. Mabongo. Herr Schwaiger, do you think that Dr. Mabongo can help Maria and Lena in time for next weekend’s races in Maribor?

Schwaiger: I hope so. If Maria and Lena do well in Maribor, the DSV will hire Dr. Mabongo to work with the whole team.

BB: Maria and Lena, good luck to you next week in Maribor. I hope that Dr. Mabongo will help restore your confidence.

Hoefl-Riesch: Thank you. Lindsey will be very hard to beat there.

Duerr: Thank you. Please let me have two good runs for once.

Schwaiger: It looks like Dr. Mabongo will have his work cut out for him. But I am confident that a witch doctor will be just the right medicine for Maria and Lena. They will be on the podium in Maribor next weekend.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others are too wimpy to print.