Garmisch-Partenkirchen World Cup Crime Wave

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Slovenian superstar Tina Maze received death threats last weekend in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. In addition, US skier Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera went missing. While both of these stories have already been reported by the others, the Blickbild dispatched one of its intrepid reporters to Garmisch to see if there is a connection between these two incidents. We also wanted to provide readers with our unique perspective on these crimes. Our reporter wanted to interview the Garmisch police chief, but he was unavailable. So we found the next best person to interview, actor Jan Dose, who plays Kriminalkommissar Robert Baehr in the ZDF TV show Die Garmisch Cops.

BB: Which program do you think is better, Die Garmisch Cops or Die Rosenheim Cops?

Dose: Die Garmisch Cops was modeled after Die Rosenheim Cops.  But I think that Garmisch Cops is the superior show. Garmisch is also a more famous city than Rosenheim, so people can better relate to it. 

BB: Die Rosenheim Cops has been on the air since 2002. Your show just started last year. Do you think there is enough crime in Garmisch for Die Garmisch Cops to end up being as successful as its Rosenheim counterpart?

Dose: I think so. Most of the crime in Garmisch has to do with either drunk drivers, bicycle thefts, or bicyclists riding on the sidewalk. But there are enough drunk drivers, stolen bicycles, and sidewalk cyclists in Garmisch to keep Die Garmisch Cops very busy for many seasons. 

BB: You are an actor who plays a detective. What makes you qualified to talk to the Blickbild about a crime wave in Garmisch that seems to be striking World Cup skiers?

Dose: Die Garmisch Cops was not my first police drama. In 2011 I was in Polizeiruf 110: Die verlorene Tochter (for those who don't speak German, that means "Police Call 110: the Lost Daughter"). For any show, I must do a lot of research to be able to play my roles properly. In fact, I may be just as intrepid at researching my roles as the Blickbild's research team. I know as much about Garmisch crime statistics as any of the real police officers there.

BB: Nobody is as intrepid as our reporters or research team, though you come very close. If you decide to give up acting, we could find a place for you at the Blickbild. (short pause) As has been reported, Tina Maze received death threats while she was in Garmisch. Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera is missing. Does this mean that nobody will be safe when the World Cup races are in Garmisch next season?

Dose: Garmisch is a very safe city. I believe that the ski racers will be safe here next season. 

BB: Let's start with the death threats against Tina Maze. Are there any prime suspects?

Dose: My fellow actors on Die Garmisch Cops and I have discussed Tina's death threats. We came up with two possibilities. The first is either Lindsey Vonn, someone close to her, or one of her sponsors. The second is a Yugoslavian nationalist who hates the fact that his or her former country has broken up.  

BB: Why would somebody who wants all of the former Yugoslavian countries to reunite into one country target Tina?

Dose: Tina is a national heroine and will be the first Slovenian to win a World Cup overall globe as well as smaller ones. Janica and Ivica Kostelic have won overall globes competing for Croatia. Someone who wants a united Yugoslavia would be upset to see skiers from breakaway countries keep winning globes that should be Yugoslavia's. Perhaps Tina's success this season was enough to make this person snap and want to threaten her with death. 

BB: That seems highly unlikely. Everyone I know from countries that were part of Yugoslavia are proud to be from their respective nations. None of them want to go back to being Yugoslavian. 

Dose: You are right. The more likely culprit would be someone who is associated with Lindsey Vonn. It could be a fan who doesn't like the fact that Tina Maze got over 2000 points instead of Lindsey. We are also looking into the possibility of the culprit being one of Vonn's family members or sponsors. 

BB: How can you say that you are looking into this crime when you are an actor who portrays a detective?

Dose: As I said before, my colleagues and I got together to discuss this crime. We are imagining that this is an episode of Die Garmisch Cops and are thinking about how to solve the crime accordingly.

BB: Okay. I'm not so sure about one of Lindsey's fans wanting Tina dead. Lindsey's fans directed a lot of hate toward Maria Hoefl-Riesch after she won the overall globe by 3 points over Lindsey two seasons ago, but never threatened her with death. 

Dose: That's because Maria wasn't close to breaking 2000 points or winning all 5 globes two seasons ago. Maria also did not break the record for number of podium finishes in a season by a woman. Tina did two out of those three things and it obviously made somebody very upset. I also don't think it was one of Lindsey's fans who made the death threats. If Tina were killed, she would be the first and only ski racer to win posthumous Crystal Globes. That is yet another record that Tina would take away from Lindsey. Lindsey's records and legacy are equally important to both Lindsey and her fans. The fans don't want to do anything which will take away from those things. 

BB: What about Lindsey herself making the threats? Tina took something which Lindsey felt was rightfully hers by earning over 2000 points this season and also having a good chance of earning all 5 crystal globes. Those were Lindsey's goals for this season. 

Dose: Lindsey was ruled out as a suspect because she is too busy making the rounds of all the talk shows in the States to discuss how unsafe the course in Schladming was and to show off her surgical scars. The last thing we heard, Lindsey said that she wouldn't even let her dog ski down the Planai. 

BB: But she does have a motive since she is planning to sue the country of Slovenia for her loss of records and legacy. Tina is a symbol of Slovenia. 

Dose: Lindsey has the motive, but doesn't have the means or opportunity. As I learned from playing a policeman and a detective on TV, you must have all three to be considered a prime suspect. 

BB: What about HEAD? Tina skis on Stoekli, which is a small brand compared to HEAD. I'm sure the people at HEAD are upset that a record-setting skier on an off-brand of skis doesn't want to switch to HEAD. 

Dose: HEAD is a prime suspect.  HEAD wanted its skis to be the ones to break the 2000 point barrier and also win all 5 globes in one season. HEAD has stated before that its goal was to take over the World Cup. An athlete setting records on Stoeckli skis is ruining HEAD's plans for total World Cup domination. HEAD has the motive and also the means and opportunity. After all, HEAD was one of Lindsey's sponsors who paid a Mafia hit man to convince the Austrian women to give their Schladming medals to her.
BB: What about one of Lindsey's family members? Her sister Laura is an aspiring writer who has been blogging about being on the World Cup tour. With Tina taking a lot of the glory that was supposed to be Lindsey's, Laura has nothing to write about anymore. She could be upset at Tina for giving her writer's block. 
Dose: Laura is a nice girl whose writing skills need work, but the other cast members of Die Garmisch Cops and I ruled her out. If she can't find the whole country of Slovenia on a map, the odds are even slimmer that she would be able to find the city of Garmisch-Partenkirchen. She also seems to have a hard time driving in Europe, which would make it highly unlikely that she could get there on her own to kill someone.
BB: So you are saying that HEAD is the number one suspect of Die Garmisch Cops?
Dose: Yes.
BB: (pulling out a map of Europe) Can you find Slovenia?
Dose: Of course I can! It's here (points to Slovenia).
BB: It's refreshing to see that someone knows where Slovenia is. (short pause) Now let's talk about Julia's missing Go-Pro camera. Do you have any leads on who took it?
Dose: Lindsey and Julia don't like each other. They had a big feud at the 2010 Olympics. One of Lindsey's fans could have taken the camera to get back at Julia for disliking their idol. There are a lot of US ski racing fans who love Lindsey but don't like Julia. But we are also not ruling out HEAD.
BB: I would think that HEAD is not a suspect because Julia just switched from Voeckl to HEAD. 
Dose: That is why I am one of Die Garmisch Cops and you are a reporter. Someone from HEAD could have taken the camera to deflect attention from Tina's death threats. While the police were scouring the city for Julia's camera, someone else that HEAD hired would have the chance to kill Tina. The two crimes just seem unrelated because one was a major death threat while the other was a simple camera theft.
BB: But HEAD's main Mafia enforcer, Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, is currently in a New Jersey psychiatric hospital. 
Dose: HEAD has other hit men on its payroll. There are some Russian Mafia hit men who make Vinnie seem like a big wimp.
BB: Do you know how close the real police are to solving these crimes?
Dose: The German police are taking the death threats seriously and are providing Tina with extra security in Ofterschwang this weekend. Extra police officers have also been dispatched to ensure that nothing else of Julia's gets stolen. In the meantime, the police, Interpol, and the Schladming police chief's bloodhound Fido are doing what they can to find the people who made the death threats and stole the camera.
BB: Herr Dose, we at the Blickbild hope that either Die Garmisch Cops or the real police can find the perpetrators. All of us want the athletes to feel perfectly safe next year in Garmisch. 
Dose: We will find and arrest the people who made the death threats and stole the camera. Die Garmisch Cops always catch their suspects and arrest them. The real police do too, only it usually takes  them longer than 45 minutes to solve a crime. But the only thing any athlete coming to Garmisch has to fear next year is being hit by an illegal sidewalk cyclist.
BB: Right. Herr Dose, I want to thank you for your time. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our reporters are real and not actors who play reporters on TV.

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Memorable Moments of Schladming

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Now that the World Championships in Schladming have ended, it's time to reflect on them and come up with a list of our 10 favorite highlights. The others will talk about Ted Ligety's 3 gold medals, Mikaela Shiffrin becoming the 3rd youngest world champion in history, Marcel Hirscher taking slalom gold and Mario Matt winning bronze in front of the home fans, Fritz Dopfer's run in the team event to secure a bronze medal for Germany, and the USA leading the medal count. Instead, we will be telling ski fans about all of the moments that the others didn't think to write about. Instead of our usual interview format, we will be using a list. 

10. The Devil (Almost) Made Me Do It: If young French super talent Alexis Pinturault placed 6th in the giant slalom event instead of 5th, he would have the numbers 6-6-6 as his placings. Pinturault was 6th in the slalom and combined events. Satanists would then claim that Pinturault was one of them, and fundamentalist Christians would do everything in their power to avoid him since he would have the mark of Satan. Fortunately, French trainers reported that Pinturault has never been possessed by the devil or other demons. It was strictly a coincidence that he came close to having a 6-6-6 finish in Schladming. 

9. No Confusion Here: Austrian skier Michaela Kirchgasser, the silver medalist in the slalom, will not confuse fans if she marries her current boyfriend. Her teammate Regina Sterz, formerly Regina Mader, totally baffled the ski world when she changed her name after getting married. Kirchgasser decided to be more considerate of the fans and commentators than Sterz was. Her boyfriend is Sebastian Kirchgasser. Michela's comment: "I saw what everyone went through when Regina got married and I was determined to avoid causing even more problems with the team, fans, and reporters. I searched all over Austria until I found a man with the same last name as me. If we get married, I won't have to change or hyphenate my name." We at the Blickbild hope that things work out well between Michaela and Sebastian.

8. Real Men Must Sometimes Ask For Directions: In the giant slalom event Swiss skier Didier Defago skied out. He stopped and looked around like he was lost. A course worker standing on the side of the piste explained that Didier stopped to ask which way down was the easiest. A spokesman for the Swiss team reported that Didier got his days mixed up. As he was skiing down the men's course, he suddenly realized that he was supposed to have competed in the women's giant slalom race the previous day. See this story about the Swiss men. Austrian skier Benjamin Raich had a similar experience in the slalom, when he stopped in the middle of his run. Unlike Defago, Raich was able to finish his run without having to ask for directions and ended up in 13th place.

7. An 8.7 From the Bulgarian Judge and 7.6 From the Ukrainian: Croatian skier Filip Zubcic crashed into German skier Felix Neureuther during the team event, knocking Neureuther off of his feet. The six judges watching the event gave Zubcic a total of 8.25 points for his fall and crash. The Bulgarian and Ukrainian judges' scores were thrown out because they were the high and low scores. The scores from the other four judges were averaged. The Bulgarian judge was revealed as being overly lenient and was later replaced with a Romanian judge, while the Ukrainian gave the lowest scores to everyone who fell. The Croatian trainer appealed to the judges for artistic impression bonus points since Zubcic took Neureuther down with him. Zubcic was the only skier to take down another during the team event, but the Croatian trainer's appeal was denied.

6. Shooting Blanks: The Swiss men's team will return home from Schladming with a grand total of zero medals. That's zero, none, null, zilch, nix, a goose egg, aught, naught, nada, non, nil. Only Lara Gut was able to redeem Switzerland with her silver medal in the Super-G. Even though the Swiss men were originally supposed to start competing in women's races next season, the International Ski Federation (FIS) granted them a waiver to start competing in them starting next weekend in Meribel. Here is how Lara Gut reacted to that news," I think the men are going to be really embarrassed when a petite woman like me beats them in races. They should be put to work constructing tunnels through the mountains instead. That way their male egos will stay intact."

5. Where Was Vinnie? That's the question that the whole ski world has been asking. Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, who was hired by Red Bull to be US skier Lindsey Vonn's bodyguard in Schladming, was nowhere to be seen when Vonn fell during the Super-G race and injured her knee. See this story. It turns out that Razzovelli does not know how to ski, so he was unable to be by her side when she made her run down the Planai. She was on her own, totally unguarded. Because Razzovelli shirked his duties, Vonn landed awkwardly on a jump and tore knee ligaments. According to sources at Red Bull, Razzovelli is now in a psychiatric hospital in New Jersey. He suffered a mental breakdown from the guilt he felt at not being able to ski and therefore protect Vonn from injury. According to doctors, Razzovelli is in a catatonic state. He keeps repeating, "Kill Mr. R" from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed at night.

4. The Understudy Comes Through: French skier Gauthier de Tessieres, who won the Super-G silver medal, was not even supposed to be in Schladming. He was sitting on his couch eating chips, drinking beer, and watching soap operas when he got a call from his trainer to go to Schladming and compete in place of his injured teammate Johan Clarey the next day. His story is the stuff of world championship legends. But Schladming was not the only time that De Tessieres shone as an understudy, as the Blickbild's intrepid research team learned. His school drama club performed "The Three Musketeers" and De Tessieres was the understudy for D'Artagnan's role. On opening night the actor playing D'Artagnan got sick with food poisoning and De Tessieres was called at the last minute to act. He did a brilliant job and replaced the original actor for the rest of the production. In addition, De Tessieres won a silver medal for his acting performance as the second-best actor in the play.

3. Witch Doctor Count: The Germans were the first ski team to get a witch doctor. See this story. France acquired a witch doctor just before the world championships and its team won medals. Sweden was thought to have a witch doctor, but it turned out that the Swedes kidnapped the German witch doctor. See this story  then this one. It turns out that Italy also has a witch doctor who helped the Azzurri win three medals. It is widely suspected that the USA also has a witch doctor because American skiers won 5 medals in Schladming, 4 of then gold. However, US team officials insisted that there is no team witch doctor, just very talented skiers. That was surprising. One would think that the US team would strongly believe in voodoo since most Americans seem to deny global warming. Judging from how the Swiss men performed in Schladming, they are in dire need of a witch doctor.

2. Revenge of the Witch Doctor: Continuing on the witch doctor theme, there was a lot of revenge going on between Germany and Sweden after the Swedes abducted the Germans' witch doctor. Sweden was upset that Germany's witch doctor was found just before Germany's last run in the team event. The Swedes had a pathetic performance against Austria in the gold medal round. But Sweden knew that revenge is sweet. The course setter for the second run of the women's slalom was the Swedish trainer. He deliberately set the course in a way that would make the Germans fail. Maria Hoefl-Riesch skied out and failed to finish. Lena Duerr finished in 21st place as the best German. But on Sunday it was the men's turn for revenge. Felix Neureuther won a silver medal, knocking Swedish star Andre Myhrer down to 4th place and off the podium. Neureuther commented, "Next time Sweden will think twice about stealing someone else's witch doctor."

1. Valentine's Day Chocolates: Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal gave his girlfriend, US skier Julia Mancuso, a box of Milka chocolate hearts for Valentine's Day. The ski world thought that was a very romantic gesture from Aksel. But, unknown to Julia, Aksel removed half of the chocolates and replaced them with ojlmsfjaegger, which are a special Norwegian birthday treat. Ojlmsfaegger, as every Norwegian knows, are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special chocolate and smoked salmon sauce. Aksel and his teammates made the ojlmsfjaegger especially for Julia, even though it wasn't her birthday. They even made the ojlmsfjaegger look like real Milka hearts. The box was rewrapped in its plastic wrapper and given to Julia with a big bow on it. Julia seemed to enjoy the candy hearts. It is unknown at this time whether Julia ate real Milka chocolate hearts or the ojlmsfjaegger.

That concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive. The Blickbild wants to congratulate all of the skiers who participated in the world championships. Every skier, from the gold medalists to the last place finishers, gets our respect.

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Athlete Profile: Aksel Lund Svindal and Julia Mancuso

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal and US skier Julia Mancuso are Alpine skiing's power couple of the 2010s. They have replaced Austrians Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild as skiing's "in" couple. Raich and Schild are so 2008. We at the Blickbild realize that others have published stories and interviews about Svindal and Mancuso. Normally we would not touch a story about them with a 10-foot pole as the saying goes. But our intrepid reporters and researchers have found out things about Svindal and Mancuso that the others never dared to print. The Blickbild was granted a special Valentine's Day interview with Aksel and Julia. It's only fitting that we get to know them a little better today.
 

BB: You two are such a great couple. One reason is that you both are very positive, upbeat people. Win or lose, you both have a smile for the fans and for each other. You seem to be very supportive of each other on and off the slopes. Are your smiles a big act for the fans? Are you really grouchy and angry when you're away from the cameras? 

Mancuso: Not at all. I am truly happy because I am doing something that I love. I am happy whether or not there is a camera focusing on me. And Aksel is very supportive. It's one reason why I love him.

Svindal: I am also doing a job that I love. How many others can say that they truly love their work? Julia is also a great support, especially when I have a poor performance. She really knows how to lift my spirits.

BB: There is talk of you two getting married. If you did get married, where would you live?

Svindal: Definitely Norway.

Mancuso: I'm from Squaw Valley, California. I would either want to live there or Hawaii. I spend a lot of the off-season on Maui and love it there.

Svindal: We discussed this before and you agreed that we would live in Norway.

BB: Oh dear!  I don't want to start an argument, so let's move on to the next question. Benni and Marlies have 24 Olympic and World Championship medals between them. You two have 19. Do you think you can surpass Marlies and Benni's medal count?
Svindal: It's possible. If Julia works a little harder at getting medals, we will defnitely do it.
Mancuso: What do you mean, if I work a little harder?
Svindal: Well I do have more medals than you. I have 11 and you only have 8. You need to step it up and do your part if we're going to pass up Benni and Marlies. I got 3 medals in Vancouver and you only got 2. In Schladming I have two medals so far and you only have one. You need to start contributing more.
Mancuso: How do you think I feel when you constantly remind me that you have more medals than me? I'd think you'd be proud of me. Any world championship or Olympic medal is a big prize. I'm happy for you when you win races and earn medals.
Svindal: You don't have that real competitive fire. Look at someone like Lindsey Vonn. She is a real competitor. Lindsey lives and breathes racing. Medals and records are very important to her. Sometimes I get the impression that you're more into having a good time than wanting to win more races and medals. Look at me. I have 2 World Cup overall globes and 5 discipline titles. You don't have any globes.
Mancuso: I thought that one of the reasons why you love me is because I'm  having a great time racing and keep a positive attitude whether I win or fail to finish a race. I may not be the most competitive racer, but I seem to be the one on the World Cup circuit who enjoys it the most. I'd rather enjoy what I'm doing than be caught up in medal counts or winning crystal globes. If I won  any crystal globes, where would we put them? Yours are taking up all the space.
BB: Wow, I didn't mean to cause any friction. This is supposed to be a friendly interview. Let's talk about what you do in the off-season. Julia, tell our readers about teaching Aksel how to surf and windsurf.
Mancuso: It's a lot of fun when we surf and windsurf together. Aksel picked it up very quickly.
Svindal: Julia really is a good teacher.
Mancuso: Thank you.
BB: Aksel, do you think you'll be a professional surfer or windsurfer as your next career?
Svindal: No, I think I'll stick with skiing. Being out on the water is a lot of fun, but it's hard work pretending not to be any good at either surfing or windsurfing.
BB: Do you mean that you're only pretending to be a poor surfer and windsurfer?
Svindal: Yes. Julia is correct that I picked up those sports very quickly. I'm actually better than she is. But I pretend to be a spaz when I'm with her so that she feels good.
Mancuso: What!?! All this time we were out on the water you were pretending to have problems! This is the first time I've heard this.
BB: Oh boy. Let's try another topic. Aksel, has your family met Julia?
Svindal: Yes they have and they all love her.
Mancuso: I feel like Aksel's family has truly accepted me and I feel like one of the family. At first they seemed a little distant, but I attributed that to them being Scandinavian. But after Aksel's brother's last birthday party, I feel like I'm one of the family.
BB: What happened at that birthday party?
Mancuso: We all started doing shots of some home-brewed  stuff that smelled like paint thinner and tasted horrible.
Svindal: That was special Norwegian cognac made from the finest pickled herring.
Mancuso: So we're drinking this awful stuff. After two shots, everyone is totally drunk and starts burping loudly. I figure that I'm supposed to burp loudly too, so I let out the loudest belch of all. Everyone starts patting me on the back and saying, "Julia, you rock!"
Svindal: That was so embarrassing. Julia evidently didn't know that only the men are supposed to burp loudly at Norwegian parties. But my relatives wanted to make Julia feel at home, so they applauded her burping. But then it got worse. Julia refused to eat the ojlmsfjaegger.
BB: Excuse me, but what are ojlmsfjaegger?
Svindal: They are special Norwegian birthday treats. Ojlmsfjaegger are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special chocolate and smoked salmon sauce. All Norwegians look forward to birthday parties just so they can eat ojlmsfjaegger.
Mancuso: I was just about to eat one because Aksel's cousin said that it was a special birthday treat. But then he told me what it was made of. I couldn't bring myself to eat it, even after watching everyone else eat them like they were candy. Just the thought of what they are made out of makes me want to vomit.
Svindal: Well, they are like candy to Norwegians.
Mancuso: And you wonder why I want to live in the States. At least we have proper candy made out of chocolate and sugar and not from reindeer organs and fish sauce!
Svindal: At least Norway's stores aren't full of processed artificial foods. We eat real food in Norway. There are a lot less obese Norwegians than there are obese Americans!
Mancuso: There are a lot more Americans than Norwegians, so of course there will be more fat Americans.
BB: Whoa! I think it's time to wrap up this interview before things get out of hand. Aksel and Julia, congratulations on your medals in Schladming. I also hope that the rest of the season is successful for both of you.
Aksel: Thank you. I'm sure your readers will think this is a very enlightening interview.
Mancuso: Thank you. Aksel is right about this interview. We'll have a lot to talk about later.
BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. The Blickbild is in Schladming reporting all the action that the others avoid.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others won't print, even if they were paid more than our staff.

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Schladming Man In The Street Interviews

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Thursday was a quiet day at the World Championships. There were no races; both the men and women had downhill training. The Blickbild sent one of its intrepid reporters out on the streets of Schladming to talk to people about the competition. Our reporter came back with some interesting observations from people who are attending the championships. Here is a sampling of what people had to say about the 2013 World Championships.

First interview subject: A teenage boy

BB: Do you think the Austrians made the right decision to put Benjamin Raich on the World Championship team?

Boy: He's still alive?

BB: Yes, Benni is alive and well. In fact, he just had a 5th place finish in the Kitzbuehel slalom.

Boy: Really? I thought he was, like, 95 years old.

Second interview subject: A woman about 70 years old with a cane

BB: Do you think the Austrians made the right decision to put Benjamin Raich on the World Championship team?

Woman: Benni and I went to school together. We were in the same ski club and I even beat him in a race when we were in second grade.

BB: Don't you mean you were in the same class with Benni's father?

Woman: Are you calling me senile? (the woman suddenly hits our reporter on the head with her cane). That should teach you to disrespect your elders!

Third interview subject: A woman in her early 20s

BB: With Lindsey Vonn out of the competition due to injury, who do you think will win Sunday's women's downhill race?

Woman: The Austrian girl.

BB: Which one? There will be 5 Austrian women in the race.

Woman: I don't know. They all look alike because they're wearing the same uniform. If they wore clothes with their names on them I could tell them apart.

Fourth interview subject: A woman in her 30s
BB: With Lindsey Vonn out of the competition due to injury, who do you think will win Sunday's women's downhill race?
Woman: Why do you want to know?
BB: I'm with the Boston Blickbild. I'm asking people about the championships and will report what they have to say.
Woman: Sorry, you don't have the need to know.

Fifth interview subject: A young boy
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Boy: (wide-eyed) I know who you are! You're that man Mr. R on the "wanted" posters. My dad says you put a curse on Lindsey Vonn.
BB: No I'm not. I'm a reporter with the world-famous Boston Blickbild.
Boy: You touched Lindsey Vonn's skis when you asked for her autograph. Then you tried to take her picture. You even have a voodoo doll of her and pins.
BB: No, you're wrong. I'm a reporter with the Blickbild. (shows the kid a Blickbild ID card) See?
Boy:  Lindsey Vonn needed a bodyguard because of you.
BB: (grabbing the kid's shirt) You tell your dad to try writing the stories that the others don't dare to print and see what happens! (lets go of the boy's shirt)
The boy runs off crying for his mother.

Sixth interview subject: A man in his 20s.
BB: Do you think the Swiss men's speed team has a chance of winning any medals?
Man: (after laughing for a minute) I think the guy from Puerto Rico has a better chance of winning a medal than the Swiss men.
BB: How do you think the Swiss can improve their team?
Man: They should let space aliens take over their bodies, preferably ones that can ski.

Seventh interview subject: A teenage girl
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: Aksel Lund Svindal. He's so cute! When I turn 18, I'm going to marry him.
BB: Aksel already has a girlfriend, US skier Julia Mancuso.
Girl: I turn 18 in 4 years. Do you think they will break up before then?
BB: I don't think so. They will probably end up getting married.
Girl: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying inconsolably)

Eighth interview subject: A man in his 50s
BB: What is your theory about what happened to Austrian skier Regina Mader?
Man:  Everyone in Austria knows that Regina Sterz killed Regina Mader in order to get a place on the national ski team. Regina Sterz was on the edge of making the team, but kept getting beaten out by Regina Mader. There was only room for one skier named Regina on the Austrian team.The only way for Regina Sterz to get on the team was to kill Regina Mader.

Ninth interview subject: A man in his late 30s/early 40s
BB: How many knee operations has Ivica Kostelic had in his career?
Man: Sorry, I can't count that high.

Tenth interview subject: A young girl with her mother
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: You're a stranger. My mother told me never to talk to strangers.
Mother: Get away from my daughter, you pervert!

Eleventh interview subject: a man in his late 20s/early 30s
BB: If Christof Innerhofer wins a medal, who will give it to him at the award ceremony?
Man: Ante Kostelic.

Twelfth interview subject: a girl age 3 or 4 holding a plush Hopsi
BB: What is your name?
Girl: Katarina.
BB: Katarina, do you like to ski?
Girl: Yes. I am a good skier.
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: Hopsi!

Thirteenth interview subject: A man in his 40s.
BB: There have been injuries to several skiers after only two days of competition. How do you think they could have been prevented?
Man: By having the races on an easier course. Most injuries happen when someone is skiing on a course that is too difficult for their ability level. The race courses in Schladming are obviously too hard and the races should be moved to an easier one. If the courses can't be changed, then the skiers should wear a big air bag over their speed suits.

Fourteenth interview subject: A woman in her 20s
BB: Is German skier Fritz Dopfer really German or Austrian?
Woman: Does it really matter? He should just follow his bliss and be whatever he wants to be.

Fifteenth (and final) interview subject: two men who look to be in their 30s.
BB: Is German skier Fritz Dopfer really German or Austrian?
Man #1: German. He is a real asset to the German team.
Man #2: Definitely Austrian. He received all of his ski training in Austria.
Man #1: Yes, but the Austrians kicked him off the team. He moved back to Germany, therefore he's German.
Man #2: He was born in Austria, therefore he's Austrian.
Man #1: German! (he punches his companion in the face)
Man #2: Austrian! (he punches his companion in the stomach)
Man #1: German! (he wrestles his companion to the ground)
Man #2: Austrian! (while on the ground, he kicks his companion in the private parts. Both men writhe on the ground in pain and continue to argue)

BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive. We are reporting all of the action on and off the slopes at the Alpine Skiing World Championships in Schladming.  

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Skiers To Give Their World Championship Medals To Lindsey Vonn

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild is known for its interviews. But we at the Blickbild are not afraid to try new things and have done this piece in the style of a traditional news story. We are still upholding our high journalistic standards and maintaining our reputation as the one who will print the stories that nobody else will. Hopefully our readers will enjoy this story as much as they do our exclusive interviews. 

SCHLADMING, Austria:  After a tense 3-month standoff, the Austrian women have finally given in to the demand from the International Skiing Federation (FIS) to give skier Lindsey Vonn all of the medals that they will earn at the World Championships in Schladming, which will open on Monday. FIS officials were afraid that the championships would have to be cancelled because the Austrian women wanted to keep their medals instead of giving them to Vonn. But thanks to some clever negotiations, the Austrian women have capitulated and the championships can go on as scheduled. 

The idea of giving Vonn medals started with her best, and only, friend on the World Cup circuit, German skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch. She said, “I still feel guilty about what happened in Lenzerheide two seasons ago, when I won the overall World Cup globe by 3 points after the final race was cancelled due to the weather. I wanted to do something to make my friend feel better after everything that she has been through with her divorce, tax problems, stomach aches, and depression. I thought it would make her feel good if I gave her any gold medals that I earn in Schladming. I know that she would never do the same for me, but sometimes in a friendship, one person must give more.”

Hoefl-Riesch’s idea of giving Vonn her gold medals very quickly spread to other skiers. Vonn’s teammate Julia Mancuso and British skier Chemmy Alcott were the next to pledge to give any gold medals that they earn to Vonn. Mancuso and Alcott know all about helping others. They were the founders of the Skiers Helping Japan charity, which aided victims of the devastating 2011 earthquake and tsunami. Once Mancuso and Alcott got involved, word spread quickly and the female skiers participating in the World Championships vowed to give their gold medals to Vonn.

One of Vonn’s public relations spokesmen, who chose to remain anonymous, said that this was not good enough. He said that Vonn’s legacy must exceed that of former champion Anja Paerson, who is the only skier in history, male or female, to earn gold medals in all five disciplines at the world championships. The spokesman said, “Even if Lindsey gets all of the gold medals, she will only tie Paerson’s accomplishment. Lindsey needs something to completely obliterate Paerson from the record books and establish the Vonn legacy. Any Alpine skier who earns a medal, whether it’s gold, silver, or bronze, must give her medal to Lindsey. That way Lindsey will have earned every medal possible at a world championship. Nobody will ever be able to match that achievement and it will stand in the record books forever. ” The spokesman also brought up the 2010 Olympics, where Vonn brought her downhill gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony and was criticized for it. Vonn won a bronze medal in the Olympic Super-G. “Now if Lindsey earns a silver or bronze medal, she will also have a gold medal to go along with it. There is no way anybody can say she is doing anything wrong or tacky at the award ceremony.”

All of the other women on the World Cup circuit, except for the Austrians, enthusiastically endorsed giving their medals to Vonn. World Cup overall leader Tina Maze of Slovenia explained why this was such a great idea. “I feel terrible that I am leading the overall standings this year instead of Lindsey. When I think of how I am contributing to her depression, it makes me depressed. So when I heard about the idea of giving Lindsey all of the medals that I earn in Schladming, I knew that it was the right thing to do. It would help to make both of us feel good.” US ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin also jumped on the bandwagon to help her teammate. According to Shiffrin, “Lindsey feels so bad because I’m getting a lot of media attention for my achievements. She is out of the limelight and it makes her angry and upset. Giving her any medals that I earn will turn the attention back to her, where it rightfully belongs.”

Even the men got into the act. Mancuso’s boyfriend, Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal, thought that giving Vonn all of his medals was a splendid idea. Svindal, who is known for his sportsmanship, said, “I thought that my Olympic bronze medal was special because Kjetil (teammate Kjetil Jansrud) was on the podium with me. But I was wrong. Any medal that I earn in Schladming will be even more special because I will give it to Lindsey in order to make her feel good and to make it easier for Julia in team meetings. I will be helping two people simultaneously.” Austrian Marcel Hirscher, last season’s World Cup overall champion, also got his fellow men to donate their medals to Vonn. “If I can give my race winnings to Italian earthquake victims,” he said, “I can certainly give Lindsey all of my world championship medals. She is a more worthy cause than people who lost everything in an earthquake. There is nothing in this world worse than depression and belly aches.” Even injured Swiss sensation Beat Feuz had something to say. “I wish that I wasn’t injured this season so that I could compete in Schladming and give Lindsey all of my medals. I know she would really appreciate that.”

Still, the Austrian women adamantly refused to give any medals to Vonn.  Anna Fenninger, the 2011 World Championship super-combined gold medalist, summed up the Austrian position. “First she disrespected us women by saying that she wanted to ski with men because we were too boring. Then she wants us to hand over the medals that we earn. Forget it!” Fenninger’s teammate Michaela Kirchgasser had an even stronger stance. “First she expected to get 2000 points and all 5 globes this season. Then she wanted to race against men and beat them. If she is so great, she should be able to earn medals in Schladming without any help from us. She won’t get any of my medals.”  Elisabeth Goergl, the veteran member of the Austrian team, and the 2011 World Championship gold medalist in downhill and Super-G, also had some choice words for Vonn. “When Lindsey can beat us women in every race by huge margins, then she is worthy of my medals. Until then, she must earn them the old-fashioned way like the rest of us.”

To get the Austrian women to change their position, many unsuccessful tactics were tried. First the FIS threatened to give the ladies, even the top-ranked ones, start numbers of 60 and over in races. That threat failed when the FIS officials looked in their rule book and found that they legally could not do that. Then they called the skiers’ sponsors to have them withdraw their support. That also failed because they receive most of their support from the Austrian Ski Federation. The FIS threatened to take away all of the skiers’ World Cup points, but still the Austrian women did not budge. Threats to demote all of the women to the Nor-Am circuit (an FIS spokesman reasoned that the Europa Cup circuit would be too close to home) also did not work. Even when the FIS said that it would have special voodoo dolls of the Austrian women’s team made, the ladies were still unfazed.

Red Bull and HEAD, Vonn’s main sponsors, decided to try convincing the Austrian women to change their minds.  Mafia enforcer Vinnie “The Shark” Razzovelli was summoned. Within minutes, the whole Austrian women’s team agreed to give all of its world championship medals to Vonn. Fenninger explained the team’s quick turnaround. “It’s hard to argue when someone is pointing a gun at my kneecaps. I treasure my knees more than medals. If Lindsey really wants all of my medals that badly, she can have them.” Fenninger’s teammates had the same reaction and they all signed a binding pledge to give all of their medals to Vonn.

Now that all of the skiers, male and female, plan to give all of their medals to Vonn, the 2013 World Championships in Schladming will be the most exciting ones ever. The Blickbild will be in Schladming reporting all of the action on and off the slopes.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the other papers are too scared to print.