Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Lindsey Vonn Recruited by Spy Agencies

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US superstar ski racer Lindsey Vonn went undercover working at the Vail ski ticket office. Nobody recognized her, despite her weak disguise of a baseball cap and eyeglasses. (To see the video click here) We would normally not go anywhere near this story because the others have already reported it, plus it is several weeks old. But there is a new twist to this story that the others have not reported. Several US and foreign intelligence agents watched the video of Vonn selling ski passes and took note of how nobody could figure out who she was despite the heavy hints. The CIA, Mossad, MI6, and the Russian Federal Security Service (FSS, formerly known as the KGB) have all expressed interest in recruiting Vonn to work for them as a spy. One of our intrepid reporters had a chance to sit down with representatives from those four agencies. They wish to remain anonymous and will be referred to by their agency names. Let's find out what they have to say.

BB: Why would you try and recruit a famous ski racer who has celebrity status in her home country?
CIA: We must have watched a different video. Despite being on talk shows and even having a role on the program "Law and Order," nobody knew who she was when she was selling ski tickets.
MI6: One of our agents traveled all over the States and showed random people photos of Lindsey. Only one person came close to recognizing her and he thought that she was Tiger Woods' ex-wife.
Mossad: Even with her distinctive voice and limited disguise, people did not recognize her. She looks like any other tall blonde. That makes her the perfect agent.
BB: This question is for the FSS and Mossad. Why would you recruit somebody who does not speak Russian or Hebrew? How would you give her instructions?
FSS: We need agents in the States and all of our Russian agents speak English. She is ideal because she is a US native and we won't have to spend money on training her how to speak and act like an American. Nobody would ever suspect her of being an FSS agent.
Mossad: All of our agents are fluent English speakers, so she and her handlers would be able to understand each other. Just like the FSS and MI6, we need agents in the States who are not easily recognized. The great thing about her not being recognized by her fellow Americans is that any espionage agency who ends up recruiting her will save a lot of money on disguises. We can go to the dollar store and get a hat and a pair of nose glasses for her.
BB: This is for the CIA. Most of your spies are sent overseas. Lindsey speaks some German, but she is not totally fluent. She definitely does not sound like a native speaker. Don't your agents have to be fluent in the language of a country where they're stationed?
CIA: That would be ideal. Because Lindsey can speak some German, we can send her to Germany, Austria, or Switzerland. We can work with her lack of fluency by giving her the cover of an American tourist in Europe. Nobody would suspect a thing. Her knowledge of German, Austrian, French, Italian, and Swiss ski areas would be an asset that could make up for the lack of German fluency.
BB: How would you convince Lindsey to join your agencies and become a spy?
MI6: She craves attention. We would tell her that she will be acting in a movie and the role would make her even more famous than James Bond.
Mossad: We would give her access to the physical therapists that the Mossad uses. She would be ready to make her big comeback in Soelden instead of Lake Louise next season. With her love for skiing records, she would not be able to resist coming back sooner rather than later.
CIA: We would pay the other ski racers in the World Cup to be her friend. In fact, we have already started with Julia Mancuso. Lindsey wants nothing more than to be liked and admired by others.
BB: Are you saying that Julia Mancuso works for the CIA?
CIA: You did not hear that from me.
FSS: We have the best enticement. The FSS will give her special commemorative Olympic gold medals to make up for the ones that she could not earn in Sochi due to her injury.
BB: It's great that all of you are interested in recruiting Lindsey as a spy and you have some excellent offers that would be hard to resist. She would have a good cover as an American tourist, but who exactly would she be spying on? Her knee is bad, so she is unfit to join the military to get its secrets. She is a ski racer and not a scientist, so she can't exactly steal nuclear secrets.
CIA: One thing we are looking at is spying on the Austrian ski trainers and trying to find more who need to leave Austria because they have criminal charges hanging over them. Once Lindsey gets back into racing, she would hang out with the Austrian racers and get information about their trainers. We have ways of getting criminal backgrounds erased. Then the US Ski Team will be able to steal Austria's best trainers and we will win every World Cup ski race!
BB: There is a big problem with that plan. None of the Austrian ski racers like her. If you had an intrepid research team like ours, you would have known that.
CIA: That is why our offer is so great. We have the money to pay the Austrian racers to interact with her and pretend to be her friend. We both get something we want: friendship in exchange for information.
Mossad: We could get her a job working in the Red Bull gym near Salzburg, Austria that produces a lot of superhuman rehabbers.  She can spy on the athletes and trainers there and learn the secrets of the world's fastest and most superhuman rehabbers.
MI6: We could get her to marry an American soldier, who is really one of our agents. She and the other Army wives would then exchange gossip and hopefully some secrets. Some of the Army wives will also be our agents.
BB: That sounds good except for one thing. Last year she stated that she would never ever get married again. (see this story). How will you convince her to marry a soldier when she won't even marry her long-time boyfriend?
MI6: Oh dear, we will have to rethink that one now.
FSS: We would keep her working at the ski ticket counter until the season ends. She would do exactly what she did in the video to see how many people recognize her. We will send her to do the rounds of talk shows, news programs, and red carpet events on her days off. As she works at the ticket counter, she will write down the number of times that people recognize her. We will use her to help educate our agents on what it takes to be known in America. Then we will use that information to take over America in our quest to achieve total world domination.
BB: Did you just say that your goal is to achieve total world domination?
FSS: Yes, you understood me correctly. Lindsey would be our perfect instrument for helping us reach our goal. First Ukraine, then the rest of the world!
BB: My last question is the one that the whole ski world has been asking. Was her supervisor at the ski ticket window really one of your agents who was really assessing her spy potential?
CIA: What a great cover for an agent! It wasn't one of our people. But even if it was, you did not hear it from me.
MI6: That was quite clever! But, unfortunately that was not one of our agents.
Mossad: As Sigmund Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Maybe the supervisor really was a Vail ski ticket office employee and does not work for any espionage agency.
FSS: He was almost too perfect in his supervisor role. That's what gave him away as being a spy. But he was not one of ours. Maybe there is yet another agency that wants to recruit Lindsey to spy for it.
BB: That could be. Anything is possible. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you all for this interview and good luck recruiting Lindsey to work for one of your agencies. I'm sure she will make the best choice after evaluating all of your offers. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our intrepid reporters are not really undercover agents. Their intrepidness is natural and not a cover.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

No comments: