Behind the Scenes in Soelden

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The opening races of the season start in 11 days in Soelden. While everyone focuses on the athletes, there is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes to get everything ready for a World Cup race. From course workers to those who work in local shops, hotels, and restaurants, there is a whole team of people working together to make a World Cup race successful for the fans. One of our intrepid reporters is already in Soelden and decided to interview some of those workers that the public doesn't usually see or associate with the races. Let's find out what they have to say.

1st person. Someone working to prepare the course. 

BB: Course preparation begins well in advance of the race itself. What is your role in preparing the course?

Course Worker: My job is I take the snow from that pile over there (points to the left) and move it over there (points to the right).

BB: I see. Are you involved with slipping the course or smoothing out the snow?

Course Worker: No, that is not my job I will explain again what I do in case you did not understand my English. My job is I take the snow from that pile over there (points to the left) and move it over there (points to the right).

BB: That is all you do, move the snow from one place to another?

Course Worker: Yes, that is my job. I move the snow from that pile over there (points to the left) to over there (points to the right). It is a very important job. If I do not do my job, the skiers would be racing on grass.

BB: True enough. One of the important jobs behind the scenes is making sure that the snow is in the right place. This worker is doing his part to make the races in Soelden a success.

2nd person. A waitress in a local restaurant.

BB: The restaurants in Soelden are very busy feeding athletes, fans, and support staff. (short pause) Servus! Race weekend must be a hectic time for you.

Waitress: Yes. We have many customers during the races. It is quite busy.

BB: Which country has the least fussy customers?

Waitress: Germany. You can feed a German anything and he will be polite and eat it. Serve a German beets and Brussels sprouts in liver sauce, and he will clean his plate. Germans are brought up to eat everything on their plates no matter what and then say that they loved it. 

BB: Has your restaurant ever served beets and Brussels sprouts in liver sauce?

Waitress: No! Nobody would eat here if we served that.

BB: What about ojlmsfjaegger or surstroemming?

Waitress: What are those?

BB: Special Scandinavian delicacies which a German would probably eat to be polite. Who are the fussiest customers?

Waitress: Definitely the Americans. They want to know if our food is organic, non-GMO, low-fat, carb-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy free, wheat-free, and peanut-free. A lot of Americans also want to know if our meat comes from free-range animals who have classical music played to them while they graze.

BB: Have you even been tempted to serve an American a peanut butter and soybean sandwich fried in lard where the bread is made with non-organic, GMO wheat?

Waitress: Uh....No. But you gave me a great idea for my next customer who asks too many questions about our food.

BB: At the Blickbild, we are always willing to help others with our creative ideas. The restaurants in Soelden have waitresses just like this one all throughout race weekend. When you go into a restaurant on race weekend, think about how hard she and others like her work to serve you.

3rd person. A Race Day Ticket Taker

BB: What do you do on race day?

Ticket Taker: I ensure that everyone entering the race venue has a valid ticket.

BB: Have people tried to come to the races with counterfeit tickets?

Ticket Taker: Yes. You wouldn't believe how many try. But they don't get by me.

BB: That's good to hear that you are so diligent about checking tickets. (short pause) Goesser is the official beer of the Soelden races. What if someone tries to get into the race venue with a Stiegl beer?

Ticket Taker: That is practically a criminal offense! There is  only one beer at the races and that is Goesser.

BB: Do you have a Mafia hit man on call to terminate those who bring Stiegl beer into the race venue?

Ticket Taker: No, but we call Security and they deal with the offender.

BB: What about people who try to bring voodoo dolls to the races?

Ticket Taker: I haven't seen anyone trying to bring a voodoo doll to a race and I  have been a ticket taker for 15 years. 

BB: But in theory, would it be okay for a fan to bring a voodoo doll to a race?

Ticket Taker: I don't see why not as long it is one of a non-Austrian racer.

BB: So you are saying it is okay to bring a voodoo doll to a race but not a Stiegl beer?

Ticket Taker: Uh...I guess so.

BB: It is good to see workers like you who are dedicated to rooting out the wrong beer at the races. If it weren't for people like you, fans would bring any old beer with them and not Goesser. Thank you for helping to make race weekend a success.

4th person. A Sports Shop Employee

BB: I'm sure that you have many people coming into your shop on race weekend to rent or buy ski equipment. 

Store Worker:  We have a lot of people coming into the store, but not so many buyers.

BB: Do you increase your prices because it's a busy, high-demand weekend?

Store Worker: No. In fact, we have special offers. But the reason people come into my store is because some of the racers have autograph sessions there. 

BB: But you would think that after getting an autograph, someone would check out your merchandise.

Store Worker: One would think so. But most of the ski fans are in the shop just to get the free autographs and a photo of their favorite racers. What a bunch of cheapskates!

BB: Can't you tell the people who come in for autographs that they can't leave the shop unless they buy or rent something?

Store Worker: That would not work. The fans would just wait until after the race to get a photo or autograph.

BB: Sure it would. If every ski shop in Soelden said that you get an autograph and photo card if you spend 25 euros, and could have your photo taken with your favorite racer if you spent 50 or more euros, it would be a win-win situation. The fans would get their autographs and photos, the ski shops would make money, and you could keep your job.

Store Worker: Interesting idea. I must ask my boss about that.

BB: Our reporters are not only intrepid, they are also clever. Dear readers, if you are in Soelden for the races, buy something at one of the local shops so that the workers can keep their jobs. 

5th person. A Course Slipper

BB: I see that you are not doing anything right now. What do you do for the big race weekend?

Course Slipper: I am not skiving off, but I'm on a break. According to Austrian labor laws, I am entitled to take a break. but during the races I am very busy as a course slipper.

BB: That is a very important job on race day.

Course Slipper: It certainly is! Smoothing out the ruts and ensuring that every racer has a clean course is a huge responsibility.

BB: Last season some of the racers criticized the course slipping and said that it was very poor. What is your opinion on that?

Course Slipper: Only the very best can slip courses at World Cup races. We course slippers are very experienced. The people who criticized us are sore losers who were looking for a good excuse. 

BB: So it is not true that the quality of course slippers has been declining?

Course Slipper: Heavens no! That is a rumor spread by people who didn't win their races. Saying that the winner was the best that day was simply not good enough, so they unfairly slammed us course slippers. We need to pass a lot of exams to become World Cup course slippers. I think that we are better now than we were back in the early days of the World Cup. 

BB: You don't deliberately do a poor job when you know that your least favorite racer is next on the course

Course Slipper: Of course not! We are supposed to be neutral.

BB: Did you or one of your fellow course slippers plant the rock that bit Ted Ligety's ski on the Soelden course last year?

Course Slipper: No, no, no! That stone was proven to have teleported itself onto the course. We course slippers had nothing to do with it and could not have prevented it from getting onto the race piste. We can only remove ordinary stones.

BB: What if a Yeti comes onto the course? Can you remove it before a racer crashes into it?

Course Slipper: What a ridiculous question, but I'll answer it. No, I have personally never encountered a Yeti on the course. But if there was one, I would remove it in time to prevent a crash. I would grind it into the snow and smooth it out so that a racer would never even know it was there. 

BB: Let's hope that neither the Naughty Stone nor a Yeti appear in Soelden to test your course slipping powers. Otherwise, you poor course slippers will come under even more fire than you were last season. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I hope you enjoyed meeting some of the people who work behind the scenes in Soelden to make race weekend a great experience for everyone. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our job is to write the stories that nobody else dares to print. And our intrepid reporters are smarter than a rock.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild. 

Our Top Ten Changes to Improve the World Cup

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 

A couple of days ago, Ski Racing magazine posted an article with its top 10 ways to improve the Alpine skiing World Cup. While Ski Racing's effort was noble, it turned out that we are ahead of them in suggesting how the World Cup can be more exciting for the fans. We polled our intrepid reporters and researchers to see what they would include as their top 10 improvements. Instead of our usual interview format, we will make a list. The list is not in any particular order. Let's find out what our staff had to say.

 

 

1. Parallel Slalom Races. The City Event races are a big hit with ski fans because they feature athletes competing head-to-head. Ski Racing magazine also agreed, because it said that there needs to be more parallel races in the World Cup. The team events at the World Championships, as well as the Nations Team Event at World Cup finals, get the biggest TV ratings. As we all know, TV ratings are as important to the FIS as athlete safety. However, we were ahead of Ski Racing in announcing this. Back in 2013 we announced that the FIS was planning to switch to a parallel racing format for all World Cup races. See this story from June 2013. We are sure that this will be a big hit with ski racing fans all over the world.

2. Compete on Different Continents. Ski Racing had a point that just about all of the World Cup races are in Europe. This needs to change. People in Asia, Australia, Africa, and South America also deserve their share of World Cup races. Fortunately, with every race being a parallel slalom, it is easy to bring World Cup races all over the globe. The FIS needs to build its audience, and this is the ideal way to do it. For areas which have no snow, like Dubai, races would be held indoors. Yes, there will be yearly races in Dubai. Every major sport has at least one tournament in Dubai and the World Cup should be no exception. One of the things that our staff proposed was to have races on a different continent each week. If Mikaela Shiffrin could compete in Levi jet lagged from 28 hours of travel, so can everyone else. Jet lag will also take away the advantage from European racers who can stay at home during the week and drive 30 minutes to the race venue. The playing field will be more even, and the races will therefore be more exciting. The first series of parallel races will take place on every continent except for Antarctica. See the article in the previous section for more details about where the races will be held.

3. Allow Fictional Countries to Compete in World Cup Races. The Freedonian Ski team of Mafia enforcers was allowed to compete at the Sochi Olympics because the International Olympic Committee wanted as many countries as possible at the Games. However, the FIS currently does not allow athletes from fictional countries to compete in its races. In order to generate fan interest, as many nations as possible should be allowed in World Cup races. It doesn't matter if they are real or not. Ski fans would love the novelty of a team of hobbits from the Shire being in a World Cup race. The FIS should also expand its membership to those from other planets and galaxies. Then fans can  find out if the Klingons or Romulans are better skiers than Earthlings.

4. Have Pro Teams and a Draft. Ski Racing's proposal was to have racers join pro teams that are sponsored by firms such as Red Bull. Back in 2013, we had an article that featured a new national team format. Countries, not firms, would draft all of the available ski racers. At the end of the season, racers can switch countries. For example, an athlete can compete for Germany one year, Austria the next, and Canada the year after that. However, this switch is not voluntary; the athletes are drafted by the various countries. Here are the details in this article from July 2013.

5. Let Men and Women Compete Against Each Other. Lindsey Vonn wanted to race against men in 2012 and was turned down by the FIS. Back in 2014, we came up with the ideal solution. There would still be men's and women's races in the World Cup. But the FIS would add a third category, which would be for transgender people or for racers who wanted to compete against the opposite sex. Women who wanted to race against men would get their wish, as would those who don't fit into the conventional FIS categories. Again, we were ahead of our time and what Ski Racing magazine would propose. Check out this article from 2014.

6. More Fan Interaction. The fans want to be able to interact with the athletes as much as possible. It is no longer enough to get their autographs or photos after a training session or a race. Ski Racing magazine had it right when it proposed ways to get the fans and racers together. It is hard to have seats on the finish line, but there can be ways for the fans and racers to interact. We have a few proposals. In Levi the race winners receive their very own reindeer. During the week before the race, fans can join the racers at a special Grillfest featuring reindeer steaks. At races in Norway, the Norwegian team can sponsor a competition between fans and racers to see who can eat the most ojlmsfjaegger. We're sure that Grandma Jansrud could provide the ojlmsfjaegger. Sweden could host the most interesting fan competition. Fans can join the athletes in a closed room, where a can of surstroemming is then opened. The athletes and fans would compete with each other to see who could last the longest. The possibilities are endless for finding new ways for the racers to be more accessible to their fans.

7. Change the Scoring System. In the current system of ski racing, the winner is the fastest one down the course. That was a good idea in 1966, when the World Cup was proposed. But that concept is so 20th century. The FIS needs to move with the times and take its cue from popular sports like gymnastics and figure skating. Those sports moved from a scoring system that was easy for fans to understand to one that requires a PhD in astrophysics to figure out. Ski racing needs to do the same thing. The concept of the fastest one to reach the finish line is too simple and needs to be replaced with a system that rewards both speed and artistic impression. This system would keep fans interested because every racer would  have to come down before a winner is announced. The race would not be over after the first 30 have come down like with the present system. The details of giving artistry points to ski racers are in this article from February 2013.

8. Parity. Ski Racing magazine had a good point about parity and trying to find a way for non-top-rated athletes,or those from different countries, to score points or get onto the podium. Its proposal was to flip the start order so that the top racers go later and have a handicap. That is a very good idea in theory. But there is a flaw. Athletes with high start numbers have been known to win races or get on the podium. Tina Maze won a race with a start number in the 50s. Carlo Janka was 2nd place in a race where he had start number 65. Our proposal for achieveing parity embraces the American ideals of fairness and equal opportunity. Everyone also has a chance to be a winner and earn a trophy. It is simple. Any athlete who won a race at a venue in the past is no longer eligible to compete for World Cup points there. But he or she can compete as a forerunner or as an exhibition racer. For example, Lindsey Vonn has won the Lake Louise downhill many times. She would no longer be eligible to compete in that race for World Cup points in order to give someone else an opportunity to win it. It would be the same for Ted Ligety in Soelden, Lara Gut in the Lake Louise Super-G, or Marcel Hirscher at the Garmisch GS. TV ratings, which are very important to the FIS, will go up because the race winner cannot automatically be predicted.

9. Crime and Punishment. Everyone loves to watch their favorite athletes giving their all on the race courses. But the other thing that everyone loves is watching their favorite athletes being taken down and punished. US American football fans rejoiced when Tom Brady was punished by the NFL for deflating footballs; and they were disappointed when his punishment was rescinded. Football (soccer to our North American readers) fans celebrated Luis Suarez's ban for biting an Italian player in the 2014 World Cup. What the World Cup needs are some good punishments that the fans can get behind. Fans need to celebrate the punishment of someone whose boots are 0.000001 mm too high. A simple disqualification is not enough anymore.  Fortunately, we came up with some great punishments back in 2013. We really are ahead of our time. Anyway, punishments like the pillory, mask of shame, losing World Cup points, fines, and working in an Austrian salt mine need to come to the World Cup. We talk about those punishments in this article from January 2013.

10. Guns. If World Cup ski racing wants to appeal to a US audience, it needs guns. They are more appealing than photos of racers in bikinis. Guns would also appeal to Europeans, since biathlon is a big sport there. Eurosport broadcasts many hours of biathlon, so it must be popular. Oh wait, Eurosport also shows hours and hours of snooker and darts. Back to the guns...Here is our proposal. While the athletes are doing their parallel slalom races, they will carry a gun and try to shoot each other. We know what you are thinking at this point. If all of the athletes shoot each other, there won't be any left. The FIS thought of that already. Instead of using real bullets, which could be fatal, the athletes would either carry paintball guns or use a laser tag system that recorded hits. The laser tag system seems to be more favorable because it is less messy and it would record the hits more accurately. Each athlete would get five shots. Every miss would carry a 0.10 second penalty. Ski racers would not only know how to race quickly down a course, they would have be able to hit a moving target while they are themselves moving. This makes ski cross seem tame by comparison.

Well, it looks like we have finished our top 10 list of improvements to the Alpine skiing World Cup. Hopefully the FIS will get new leadership with the courage to enact these. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We are the Number One ski racing parody site on the Internet. Hold on...we are the only ski racing parody site, which is why we are Number One.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us in Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

 

Soelden 2015 Preview

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our reporters' brains have finally cooled off from the hot California sun and they are now back to work. We are actually doing a story before the others because ski racing fans are already looking forward to the season opener in Soelden. We normally interview the Soelden Burgermeister about the opening races, but he was busy. However, one of our intrepid reporters scored a journalistic bonanza. We are interviewing OeSV president Peter Schroecksnadel. The only requirement for this interview was that we were not allowed to ask about the situation with Anna Fenninger and her agent. We decided we could live with that. Let's find out what Herr Schrocksnadel has to say.

BB: Herr Schroecksnadel, it is good to see you again. Let's start off with your picks for who will win the races in Soelden next month.

Schroecksnadel: As an Austrian, I hope that Marcel Hirscher and Anna Fenninger will repeat last year's victories. But Soelden is a course that is always full of surprises. We will have to wait another five weeks or so to find out who will win. 

BB: True. The Austrian team had a lot of retirements at the end of the 2015 season. Will the OeSV move young racers up from the Europa Cup circuit to make up for all of the racers who retired?

Schroecksnadel: No. Our men's speed team is still very solid. Most of the men who retired competed in the technical disciplines. Anna, Lizz Goergl, and Eva-Maria Brem will be the mentors for the younger women. Conny Huetter has a lot of potential and hopefully she will have her big breakthrough this season. 

BB: A couple of years ago, you tried unsuccessfully to get Fritz Dopfer back from Germany. Will you try again to get him back?

Schroecksnadel: How were we supposed to know that the head of the German Ski Federation hates coffee flavored ice cream? If we try again to get Fritz back, we will find out what flavors of ice cream the Germans like. 

BB: If you are serious about getting Fritz back, we could let you borrow one of our researchers. We have the most intrepid research team in the business. 

Schroecksnadel: Yes, I know. I may take you up on that offer if we decide to get Fritz back. If he gets on the podium in Soelden like he did last year, we will step up our efforts to get him back.

BB: Have you considered Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli and his Freedonian teammates to help bolster the Austrian team?

Schroecksnadel: Won't they have to live in Austria for two years before being able to compete for us? By that time, our team will be back to full strength.

BB: Our intrepid research team carefully read the FIS Big Book of Rules section about competing for another country. The rules didn't say anything about racers from fictional countries. 

Schroecksnadel: I suppose we could recruit a Freedonian racer or two for our team.
BB: If that doesn't work out, you can try to recruit some ski racers from the planet Zorkon. This was the same planet which offered to take in Anna Fenninger.
Schroecksnadel: I'm not sure what the FIS rules are on competing for other planets.
BB: It's a good thing you are talking to the Blickbild. Our intrepid researchers already did the work for you. There is nothing in the FIS Big Book of Rules about residency requirements when coming from another planet. Therefore, the OeSV can have Zorkonians, or aliens from other planets, on the team right away.
Schroeksnadel: That is an interesting idea. I will have to look into it. We can have some space aliens work out with the team and see how they compare. People always say that Austrian racers ski like they are from another planet.
BB: On another topic, were any Mafia hit men involved in getting Anna Fenninger to give up her manager?
Schroecksnadel: I thought we were not going to talk about Anna's situation.
BB: My mistake. You are right. Anyway, most of the Mafia hit men in the World Cup are employed by Head, which is what Anna uses. If anything, a Head hit man would let Anna have her way with everything. Were any witch doctors involved in Anna's situation?
Schroecksnadel: No! We are Austria! We don't need any witch doctors because we are so great! Our ski racers bring glory to our country because they are so great! Other teams need witch doctors because they don't measure up to us. How could you even think such a thing?
BB: What was I thinking?
Schroecksnadel: Indeed. And you call yourself intrepid. Do your homework!
BB: Back to the original topic of Soelden. Last year Ted Ligety's winning streak in Soelden ended because of the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom. Will the course workers be on the lookout for the Naughty Stone this year?
Schroecksnadel: Our course workers are the best and are always on the lookout for stones. But that particular stone eludes even the best course workers. Fortunately, we have developed a special radar that can detect even the stealthiest stone.
BB: So Ted won't have to worry about his ski being chewed up by the Naughty Stone?
Schroecksnadel: I think he should be more worried about Marcel Hirscher than a ski-eating rock.
BB: Do you think that the Stone of Doom will go after Mikaela Shiffrin instead? After all, she did tie for the win with Anna last year.
Schroecksnadel: I don't think so. Mikaela is a very sweeet girl. Do you think that the FIS would let us waive the residency requirement to get her on our team?
BB: I think she's happy being on the US team. But I'm sure with the right incentive, she can be lured away to compete for Austria.
Schroecksnadel: Mikaela could help our team until some of the younger members gain some World Cup experience. What flavor ice cream do the Americans like?
BB: I think it may take more than some ice cream and Sacher Torte to convince the Americans to give Mikaela to the OeSV. But you never know.
Schroecksnadel: We could really score big time if we got both Fritz and Mikaela. I'll have my assistants contact your research team to figure out what flavor of ice cream the Germans and Americans like best.
BB: I'm sure our researchers will look forward to hearing from the OeSV. Well, it looks like we are out of time. It was interesting as usual to talk to you, even though you never gave us our prediction for who will win the races in Soelden. I guess we'll have to wait and find out like everyone else. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: No Mafia hit men or witch doctors were harmed preparing for this interview.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.

Questions and Answers: Austrian Edition

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 

Our intrepid reporters and researchers seem to think that summer is the time to slack off and go on holiday. It took a while to round them up and get them back to work. They really need to be flogged publicly! Anyway, when they got back, they found their e-mail inboxes full of questions. Our very own Answer Man, who is really one or our intrepid researchers, will answer our readers' questions. One of our reporters will also ask follow-up questions. Let's find out what our readers wrote to us and what the Answer Man has to say...

 

BB: Question 1. It seems like most of the Austrian women's team is retiring. Will anyone be left?

Answer Man: Yes. The Austrian ski machine is working overtime to develop young ski racers to replace those who have retired. Austrian families have been told to take their daughters to the closest ski academy and leave them there. Every Austrian girl over age 4 must now report to a ski academy.

BB: Even girls in Vienna, where it is flat?

Answer Man: Yes. It is considered their patriotic duty to become a ski racer, especially now in the wake of so many retirements.

BB: What if a little girl does not want to become a ski racer?

Answer Man: How can you even ask such a question? Of course every girl in Austria wants to become a ski racer!

BB: Does this mean that girls who are not even in school yet will race in the World Cup?

Answer Man: No. But if Austria is going to keep its number one position, it must have a steady stream of racers. The Austrians must start now so that there is never again a big void when a lot of team members retire.

 

BB: Question Number Two. Marcel Hirscher bought some land near Salzburg several months ago. Is he planning to grow crops on it?

Answer Man: I was able to talk to Marcel. He wants the land for his reindeer, Ferdinand. He is hoping to win again in Levi so that he can get a female reindeer and start breeding them. Ferdinand is Marcel's baby. Marcel misses him when he's away from Levi. He wants to have his own reindeer herd. It is never too early to start planning for retirement.

BB: Is Ferdinand's current Finnish herder okay with Marcel taking Ferdinand to Austria?

Answer Man: Nobody has asked him about that. He seems to be the forgotten man in this situation. Nobody talks to the herder until just before the races in Levi.

BB: Let's say that Marcel is allowed to bring Ferdinand to Austria. Will his girlfriend take care of him while Marcel is racing?

Answer Man: I'm sure that they discussed it. Maybe Marcel will bring Ferdinand to races and interviews. If Lindsey Vonn can bring her dog everywhere she goes, surely Marcel can bring his reindeer. He may even get his girlfriend to hold Ferdinand up for the TV cameras.

BB: When Ferdinand and any other reindeer that Marcel has gets old, will he make ojlmsfjaegger from their hearts?

Answer Man: Good question. Ojlmsfjaegger are not eaten in Austria, but Marcel could change that due to his popularity. That could be the real reason why he bought the land to raise reindeer.

BB: Before getting to our next question, could you explain to our newer readers what ojlmsfjaegger are?

Answer Man: Of course. They are cubes of pickled reindeer heart covered in a special smoked salmon and chocolate sauce. Ojlmsfjaegger are eaten in Norway on birthdays.

 

BB: Our third question. I am planning to go to Soelden to watch the season-opening ski races. I want to arrive early in the week to get in some hiking. What are the chances of seeing some wild kangaroos in their natural habitat?

Answer Man: Very slim to none. It would be the same chance of being attacked by a Yeti or being abducted by a space alien.

BB: Wait a minute! You probably would have said the same thing about finding elephants in the Austrian mountains. Yet the Austrian ski team found elephants two years ago when they were training in Soelden.

Answer Man: The elephants were part of the force that failed to invade Slovenia. They were dropped in the right place, but the invading force ended up in the Lubyanka instead of in Ljubljana.

BB: So if an invading army decided to cross the Alps with kangaroos, a person visiting Soelden could theoretically see kangaroos while out on a hike.

Answer Man: Kangaroos would not be the most logical animal to use for crossing the Alps or for fighting.

BB: Au contraire! Kangaroos can box. They are the perfect animal for an invading or a defensive force. You think they are really sweet and then...POW! Nobody would mess with an army of kangaroos.

 

BB: Question four. Marcel Hirscher just beat Aksel Lund Svindal and Felix Neureuther in an auto race. Has he taken up auto racing in order to beat David Alaba as Austrian Athlete of the Year?

Answer Man: One would think that three medals in Vail, plus the World Cup overall and two small globes, would be more than enough to qualify him as Athlete of the Year. But it is evidently not enough to beat a football (soccer) player. Thus the auto race. This year we will also see Marcel competing as a gymnast, a swimmer, a pole vaulter, and a marathon runner in addition to ski racing.

BB: Won't he get burned out or injured from doing so many sports?

Answer Man: Marcel is young and his body can take the abuse for now. He must do all of those things if he wants even the slightest chance of being the Austrian Athlete of the Year.

 

BB: Question Number Five. What is the status of Anna Fenninger competing for the planet Zorkon?

Answer Man: Things appear to be at a stalemate with Anna and Peter Schroecksnadel, though Schroecksnadel didn't like the frowny face that she made when he gave her an award. The OeSV and the FIS are sticking to the two-year residency requirement. One of my sources told me that Anna has hired someone to see if she has a close Zorkonian ancestor so that the residency requirement can be waived. For now Anna will compete for Austria.

BB: And what are the odds of her having a Zorkonian ancestor?

Answer Man: About the same as finding wild kangaroos in the Austrian Alps.

BB: Let's not go there with the kangaroos. On to the next question...

 

BB: Question Six. Why do Austrian skiers announce that they are going to have a press conference to make an announcement?

Answer Man: Ski racers are the biggest celebrities in Austria. They have to schedule their time with the press to avoid conflicts. Can you imagine Niki Hosp announcing her retirement and Marlies Schild announcing her pregnancy on the same day? That would not do at all! The athletes schedule their press conferences for the simple reason of avoiding upstaging each other. That way everyone gets equal time in the press and the athletes keep their celebrity status.

BB: Don't the fans get annoyed by the racers announcing their future announcements?

Answer Man: Not at all. It's the same principle of having a meeting to decide when to have future meetings or having a committee to form a committee.

 

BB: Our seventh and final question...were the mountains in Garmisch installed after the war? (short pause) Garmisch is in Germany, but we'll answer that question since it is on the Austrian border.

Answer Man: Contrary to popular belief, the mountains in Garmisch were not part of the post World War Two Marshall Plan to rebuild Germany. We know that they were there in the 1930s, because the 1936 Winter Olympics were in Garmisch. The mountains were there in King Ludwig II's time in the 1800s because he had castles built on them. They were even there before Ludwig's day because Hohenschwangau is much older than Neuschwanstein and that castle is in the Alps. Hannibal crossed the Italian Alps on elephants. Perhaps Hannibal skipped Germany because the mountains weren't there yet. I'm thinking that the Alps in Garmisch appeared sometime after Hannibal's invasion in 218 BC, but before the original Hohenschwangau fortress was built in the 12th century.

BB: Are you saying that the Italian Alps were formed before the mountains in Garmisch?

Answer Man: That could very well be. After all, there was no mention of Hannibal skiing in the mountains of Garmisch.

BB: But the Garmisch mountains were definitely not part of the postwar Marshall Plan?

Answer Man: That's right.

BB: And there are no kangaroos in the Garmisch mountains because they are all in Austria?

Answer Man: Right again!

 

BB: On that note, it looks like we are just about out of time. Our readers, as always, asked some very interesting questions and we did our best to answer them. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: If we hear anymore about kangaroos, we're going to shoot someone.

 

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Dr. Mabongo Wins Dave Seville Award

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 

For the third year in a row, Dr. Mabongo, the German ski team's witch doctor, has won the prestigious Dave Seville Witch Doctor of the Year award. Unlike previous years, this result was surprising and rather controversial. French ski team witch doctor, Dr. Djibuku, seemed to be the favorite because of the performance of the French men last season. Dr. Djibuku was the runner-up, as he has been the past two years. Here to talk with us about Dr. Mabongo's win are two people: our very own Answer Man, who is really part of our intrepid research team, and John Perkins, who trains aspiring witch doctors in Canada. Let's find out what they have to say.

 

BB: How close was the vote this year?

Answer Man: The top three were very close. Dr. Mabongo won the award by one vote over Dr. Djibuku, and the Stone of Doom was in third place by one vote. Grandma Jansrud and Dr. Mueller-Wohlfahrt were far behind.

BB: That is very interesting. An inanimate object that nobody has ever seen ended up in third place. If the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom had won, how would it have come up to the podium to receive its award?

Answer Man: Someone would have carried it.

BB: How would we have known that it was the real Stone if nobody has ever seen it?

Answer Man: That will remain a mystery, at least until the next time it is nominated for the Seville Award. It is funny that we have seen more of Pluto than we have of the Stone of Doom.

BB: Back to Dr. Mabongo winning the Seville Award for the third year in a row. A lot of people felt that Dr. Djibuku should have won.

Perkins: The judges obviously disagree or Dr. Djibuku would have won.

Answer Man: Dr. Djibuku appeared to be the clear favorite based on the performances of the French men last season. Alexis Pinturault and Guillermo Fayed had good seasons, Jean-Baptistse Grange won a gold medal in Vail, and Julien Lizeroux pulled off a season-ending front flip for the season's best artistry. On the German side, Stefan Luitz got injured early in the season and Felix Neureuther choked in finals to give the slalom globe to Marcel Hirscher. That should have worked against Dr. Mabongo. But Linus Strasser did establish himself as one to watch next season.

BB: Let's be fair to Felix. He was in pain from a herniated disk at World Cup finals. Mr. Perkins, could Felix's untimely back problem been the result of an opposing witch doctor's curse?

Perkins: Witch doctors should not be throwing curses to injure opposing racers. They are hired by ski teams for mental training. Felix's back problems were not caused by an opposing witch doctor. The timing of losing the slalom globe in finals was bad luck and not from a witch doctor's curse. The only time that a team was under an opposing witch doctor's curse was Sweden two seasons ago. But that was its punishment for kidnapping Dr. Mabongo in Schladming.

BB: Mr. Perkins, were you part of the committee who voted for the witch doctor of the year?

Perkins: No.

BB: Who nominates the witch doctors and then votes for them?

Perkins: There is a special committee made up of witch doctors, professors of witch doctoring, and sports journalists. There are a total of 100 who do the voting.

BB: Football player Lionel Messi wins the Best Player awards in major tournaments. Cristiano Ronaldo and Messi alternate winning the Ballon d'Or for the Footballer of the Year. Will Dr. Mabongo win the Seville Award every year?

Answer Man: It does seem like Dr. Mabongo is the only winner of this award for now. In time someone else will win it.

BB: What does Dr. Djibuku have to do to win the Seville Award?

Answer Man: One would think that he should have won the award for the 2013 season, when he used his creativity and brought Gauthier de Tessieres to Schladming on a magic flying carpet (see this story). If that didn't do it, then nothing would. I believe that French racers will have to win all of the globes for Dr. Djibuku to win the award.
Perkins: I don't believe that. The vote was very close, which means that Dr. Djibuku has a very good chance of winning the award next year.
BB: We shall see. On another note, what does Marcel Hirscher have to do to win the Austrian Sportsman of the Year award? He lost to a football player two years in a row.
Answer Man: Marcel has a very good chance of winning this year. He won the overall globe four years in a row and won two small globes. The football player, David Alaba, got injured right after winning the award. A lot of ski racing fans say that was karma biting back.
BB: It has been an Austrian tradition for a ski racer or jumper to be Sportsman of the Year. Do you think that Alaba beating Marcel Hirscher for the award was staged by Peter Schroecksnadel?
Answer Man: That could be. Herr Schroecksnadel did his best to get Fritz Dopfer back from the Germans. He could have bribed the people who select the Austrian Sportsman of the Year to vote for someone who plays Germany's national sport for a German club. Austrian ski racing fans would be up in arms and would put even more pressure on the Austrian Ski Federation to get Fritz Dopfer back in order to have a winner from Austria's national sport. Once Fritz was back in Austria, then a ski racer would again become Sportsman of the Year.
BB: I thought the whole matter of getting Fritz Dopfer back was settled.
Answer Man: It was. But now that Mario Matt has retired, there are rumors that the Austrian Ski Federation is making new moves to win Fritz back.
BB: I see. So until Fritz decides to quit the German team and race again for Austria, a football player will be Sportsman of the Year?
Answer Man: That is possible.
BB: David Alaba was out the whole season with an injury. Do you think he will still win the Austrian Sportsman of the Year award for 2015?
Answer Man: I think so. Look at historical trends. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo alternate winning the Ballon d'Or. Messi also wins the Player of the Tournament award in every tournament where Argentina plays. Herr Alaba has won the Austrian Sportsman of the Year for two years in a row, which could make him hard to beat even with his injury.
Perkins: Excuse me, but what do the Austrian Sportsman of the Year Award or the Ballon d'Or have to do with the Witch Doctor of the Year Award?
Answer Man: In the past few years, both awards have had close and controversial results. The same people win those awards year after year.
BB: Do either of you think that the Austrian women's ski team will hire a witch doctor?
Answer Man: Of course not! Peter Schroecksnadel is doing a good enough job of putting curses on his own skiers. Austria doesn't need an outside witch doctor.
BB: Mr. Perkins, just out of curiosity, what do people need to do to become witch doctors? Also, why Canada?
Perkins: If you're not fortunate enough to be the first-born son of a witch doctor, you can come to Canada to train. You take courses in spells, voodoo, herbs, and potions. Canada has a high number of people who have an interest in alternative medicine. It is the perfect place to train witch doctors. These days you don't need to be from the Congo or a remote island to be a witch doctor.
BB: I see. Are there any Canadian-trained witch doctors who are part of a ski team?
Perkins: Not now. All of the national ski team witch doctors are from various African countries, though there are plenty of Canadian trainees who would love to work for a ski team. Drs. Mabongo and Djibuku are from the Congo.
BB: Getting back to the Dave Seville Award...Last year a dead person was nominated for the award. This year a rock was one of the nominees. Do you think there will be any unusual nominees next year like someone's pet chicken?
Answer Man: You never know. The element of surprise is the best part of the Seville Award. You cannot automatically predict who will be nominated, except for Drs. Mabongo and Djibuku.
BB: Well, it looks like we are out of time. I guess we'll have to wait until next year to find out who the nominees are. Until then, we at the Blickbild congratulate Dr. Mabongo on his third Dave Seville Award. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.
 



Benni and Marlies and Baby Makes Three

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Alpine skiing's power couple, Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild, who got married last April, are now expecting a baby in the fall. We would not normally publish this story because this is old news that the others have already reported. But it took a long time for our intrepid reporter based in Austria to dig his way out of a salt mine to find out about this wonderful event. Let's not even think about how he got there. Anyway, our hard-working journalist scored an interview with Benni and Marlies about their upcoming parenthood. Let's find out what they have to say.

BB: Congratulations on your upcoming parenthood. Is the baby a boy or girl?

Benni: You'll find out when the rest of the world does. 

BB: Our intrepid research team did a lot of calculating, reading tea leaves, and gazing into a crystal ball. They figured out that there is a 50% chance that you are having a boy. 

Marlies: That means that there is also a 50% chance that the baby is a girl. 

BB: That's true if the baby is human. But if the baby was a space alien, there could be a different probability of it being a boy or girl. 

Marlies: I have had some ultrasounds already and the baby looks human to me.

Benni: Is there something that I need to know? People say that Marcel Hirscher is from another planet. Have you and Marcel been---

Marlies: Of course not! This baby is yours and is also 100% human. 

BB: Oh dear! I didn't mean to start any trouble. I'm sure that your baby is perfectly human and not half space alien. We also noticed that you got married after Marlies conceived. Did you get married so that the baby can inherit your lands and won't be illegitimate?

Benni: This isn't the 15th century or Game of Thrones! The timing was right to get married. 

Marlies: I second what Benni said. It's not like we're royalty and have to follow strict rules about inheritance. 

BB: Marlies, you are the Slalom Queen, which is skiing royalty. Therefore, you do need to follow rules about inheritance. If this baby is a girl, and the next one is a boy, will the boy get all of your lands while the girl gets married off with Marlies' schnitzel recipe as part of her dowry?

Marlies: Excuse me, but what century are you living in? I think all of the stale air in the salt mine affected your brain. If we have more than one child, they will inherit equally and we won't need to provide a dowry for any daughters. Even the British royal family made girls equal to boys for inheriting titles and land.

Benni: I think that if we have a daughter, and she gets married, she should get my mother's schnitzel recipe.

Marlies: Let's not get started about your mother's schnitzel. (see this story)

Benni: You really need to be more open-minded about Mum's schnitzel. But of course yours is also very good. 

BB: Time out! Every child thinks that his mother makes the best schnitzel. Your children will think that Marlies' schnitzel is the world's best, even if you don't. Onto another subject...(looking at Marlies) In our previous interview, you talked about how Benni can leave the toilet seat up two days a week. If the baby is a boy, will Benni and your son have more days when the toilet seat can stay up?

Benni: What a great idea! If there are two men in the house, we will be a majority and we all know that the majority rules.

Marlies: Not so fast! The baby will be in diapers for at least two years, so the rules about the toilet seat will stay as they are for now. 

BB: That sounds fair. Once the baby can walk, will you introduce him or her to skiing?

Benni: I can't believe that you asked that question. Of course we will. We are Austrian!

BB: If your baby is a girl, will she be on the same team as Hermann Maier's daughters?

Marlies: That would be fun to see the next generation of Raichs and Maiers skiing together for Austria! 

BB: If the baby is a boy, he could compete against Ivica Kostelic's son. There could be another generation of ski racers on Ante Kostelic courses. 

Benni: If Ante Kostelic is going to set courses for his grandson, maybe our son should go into the speed disciplines.

Marlies: I prefer that he or she does the technical disciplines. If it's a boy, Benni can teach him all about Ante Kostelic and his crazy courses.

BB: Of course you want your child to ski because you are Austrian. I'm sure that you also want him or her to be a racer like both of you. But don't you think that you are setting your child up for an inferiority complex? You have so many Olympic and World Championship medals, as well as Crystal globes. Your child could feel that he or she could never measure up to you. The kid may even rebel and want to become a nuclear physicist instead of a ski racer.

Marlies: We want our child to ski for the enjoyment of it. If he or she wants to be a racer, I think that Benni and I are the best parents to help him or her. We have many years of racing experience at all levels. Our child would get the benefit of our experience.

Benni: I even bought a little Austrian racing suit for the baby. He will know his destiny from birth!

BB: Yes, you have the experience and the trophies to match. But don't you think it would be better if you had been mediocre racers so that you could make your child into a record-obsessed superstar because you were using him or her to achieve your failed dreams?

Benni: That is absurd! Marlies and I are both proud of our achievements. I agree with Marlies about our baby getting the benefit of our experience. That's something that most parents can't give their children when they start racing. 

BB:  Let's say that even with your encouragement, your child does not have what it takes to be a top ski racer. Suppose that his or her aptitude was football, music, or mathematics. Would you love or accept him even if he didn't become a ski racer?

Benni: Is this a trick question?

Marlies: Of course we would! 

Benni: Stop and think for a minute. Our baby has ski racing in his genes and Marlies and I will provide an ideal environment in which he can race. He will be on skis before he can even walk. Why would he be anything else? Our baby is Austrian and Austrians ski and race. 

BB: Most Austrians don't end up becoming famous ski racers. Yet their parents still love them despite that. And I'm not just referring to the Viennese. Mozart wasn't a ski racer, yet he is a world-famous and beloved Austrian. David Alaba plays football (that's soccer to our North American readers) and was Austrian Sportsman of the Year for the past two years.
Benni: Back in Mozart's day, Austrians were musicians and composers. Times have changed and now they are ski racers. I don't know how a football player became Sportsman of the Year two years in a row. At least they got it right with Anna Fenninger being Sportswoman of the Year.
Marlies: Are you saying that you would not love our baby if she wasn't a ski racer?
Benni: No, of course not. I will love our baby even if he doesn't become a ski racer.
BB: Good save, Benni. Marlies, will you hold your baby up for the cameras at Benni's races?
Marlies: Uh....no. Why would I do that?
BB: Bode Miller's wife holds her stepkids up for the TV cameras. His fans love when she does it.
Marlies: I don't think you want to know what we Europeans think of that. But no, I won't be shoving my baby in front of the TV cameras at races. Benni deserves the spotlight at races, not the baby.
BB: Very good point. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Benni, on behalf of everyone at the Boston Blickbild, I want to wish you a successful season. I also hope that you two have a healthy baby. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We love our reporters, even if they didn't become doctors or lawyers like their parents wanted.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.
 

FIS Conference Varna

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 

International Ski Federation (FIS) bigwigs recently completed their end of season meeting in Varna, Bulgaria. One of our intrepid reporters was also in Varna relaxing on the beach, but interrupted his holiday to cover the FIS meeting. Let's find out what the highlights were and what changes we can expect to World Cup Alpine skiing.

Retirement Rules. After the 2014/15 season, there were a lot of retirements from both the Swiss and Austrian women's teams. In fact, the Swiss A speed team is down to two members. In order to prevent whole teams from retiring and being totally depleted, teams will be limited to two retirements per year. If more than two ski racers on a team wish to retire, the oldest ones will get priority. The others will either carry on racing or be on leave status until they become the oldest team members. Our intrepid reporter asked if there would be exceptions for career-ending injuries. The response that we got was, "No way! We don't make exceptions for sissies."

 

Super-combined Globes Are Back. The FIS just can't seem to make up its mind about globes for super-combined races. It seems like the FIS changes its stance on them more often than some people change their underwear. The on-again-off-again super-combined globes are back on for next season. Who knows what will happen two seasons from now. FIS officials figured that since there are no World Championships or Olympic Games this season, they can add some extra super-combined races to the schedule. When asked if only having a few combined races would make the globe seem like a joke, an official from the FIS replied, "You get an Olympic medal for one race, so why not a crystal globe." It turns out that the FIS was pressured by an unnamed person on one of the national ski teams to reinstate the combined globe. Could this be a corruption scandal on a par with FIFA? Stay tuned.

Super-Combined Part 2. Starting next season, racers who only do the first run of a super-combined race will lose half of their World Cup points and be forced to start last in their next race. The FIS wants to cut down on the number of athletes who use the first run of a super-combined race for downhill or Super-G training. It gives them an unfair advantage over those who didn't start in the combined race. The previous punishment of wagging a finger at an athlete and telling him that he was a bad boy for not starting what he finished has been ineffective. The FIS needed a stronger deterrent. Exceptions will be made for athletes who get injured in the first run or who fall ill between runs. However, the injury or illness must be documented by three doctors who are not associated with that athlete's team. Witch doctors will count as doctors.

Single Pole Slalom. What could be more fun than a barrel of monkeys or an Ante Kostelic slalom course? How about going back to the 1950s with single pole slalom. Instead of trying to figure out which gates to go around and which to go through, slalom racers only have one pole to navigate per turn. No more trying to figure out the course. The poles will also have little flags on them to help the racers even more. What could be simpler! In addition, the poles will be made of hard wood to prevent straddling. After only one time of trying to straddle a pole, a ski racer will quickly learn his lesson that cheaters never prosper.

Racing Suits. The FIS has new racing suit requirements. The suits are no longer required to be one thickness; there is now a thickness range. However, only wild patterns that give a person maximum eyestrain will be allowed. Clashing colors are even better. No more plain suits like the Italians' red suits from last season. If a team decides to have a plain suit, it must be decorated with sequins or feathers.  Also, everyone on a team must wear the same racing suit. Athletes who dare to be deviants and wear their own suits will be penalized by having 250 points deducted from their total and must start last in their next race. Speed suits must also be made of 100% Spandex. No natural fibers will be allowed. Racing suit fabric checks will take place after every race and athletes will be disqualified for having the wrong fabric.

Artistry Bonuses. The scoring system for artistry bonuses has been changed to an open-ended system. It has been an unofficial open-ended system for the past two seasons because many artistry scores have been above the 10 point maximum due to bonuses. Artistry bonuses will also be given in parallel slalom races.

Team Event at the Olympics. A parallel slalom team event, like the team event at the World Championships, will be an Olympic discipline starting in 2018. One proposal for this event was to make it a biathlon-style event. Skiers would race down the parallel slalom course with a rifle strapped over their shoulders. At the end of the course, they would have to shoot five targets with a time penalty for missing a target. But that was rather boring for the spectators. Another proposal was to give teams bonuses for tackling athletes on opposing teams, like Filip Zubcic did to Felix Neureuther at the Schladming World Championships. But then the racers would be so busy trying to tackle each other, they would forget to finish the race. It would be impossible to figure out the medalists. The proposal that was accepted was to have four racers per team, as usual. While one on a team racer is on the course, his teammates would be shooting paintballs at his opponent. There would be a 0.05 second time penalty every time a racer got hit with a paintball. Athletes who compete for an Olympic parallel slalom medal must not only be great skiers, they must also be able to hit a moving target with a paintball.

Interplanetary and Intergalactic Transfers. In light of Anna Fenninger's offer from the planet Zorkon in the Andromeda Galaxy, the topic of racers being able to compete for other planets was brought up. It was tabled until the next meeting because it looks like Anna will stay on Earth next season.

Fictional Countries at the World Championships. This motion was rejected by the FIS. Even though racers from fictional countries like Freedonia can compete at the Olympics, the FIS voted to only have athletes from real countries at the World Championships. It looks like the next time we will see Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli and his teammates from Freedonia will be at the 2018 Olympics.



And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive report.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We report everything that the FIS thinks up.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook. We are also on Twitter as bostonblickbild.