Monday, February 11, 2013

DSV Witch Doctor Abducted!

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Dr. Mabongo, the Congolese witch doctor that the German Ski Federation (DSV) hired to work with skiers Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr, was abducted from the Germans' hotel sometime last Friday night. The local police,  Interpol, and packs of St. Bernards and bloodhounds are already on the case. Here to talk with the Blickbild are Schladming police chief Hermann Mayer and German women's technical team trainer Christian Schwaiger. This interview was conducted before US skier Ted Ligety won a gold medal and Austrian skier Romed Baumann won a bronze medal in the super-combined event. 

BB: Herr Mayer, do people think that you are the Austrian ski legend Hermann Maier?
Mayer: All the time, even though we don't look alike at all. Hermann Maier the skier was blond and, as you can see, I have dark brown hair. He also spells his last name M-A-I-E-R, while mine is spelled M-A-Y-E-R. But the Herminator keeps me supplied with his autograph cards, which I hand out to unsuspecting tourists. You wouldn't believe how many of the Herminator's cards I've given out during the world championships.
BB: Does the suspected abduction of Dr. Mabongo mean that nobody in Schladming is safe? Is Schladming really Austria's "Crime Central?"
Mayer: Schladming is a very safe city. The last big crime we had here was back in 1986, when 5-year-old Elke Dorfkeller's mittens were accidentally taken by a kindergarten classmate. They were returned the next day. Both our local residents and the visitors here for the World Championships have nothing to worry about. This abduction is a one-in-a-million crime. People here have a higher chance of being attacked by a Yeti in the mountains than by being abducted in Schladming.
BB: Herr Schwaiger, how do you know that Dr. Mabongo was abducted and not simply out for a walk?
Schwaiger: When the team came down for breakfast Saturday morning, Dr. Mabongo was not at the table. He is normally the first one down to breakfast. I went up to his room to see if he was taking a shower or doing one of his voodoo rituals. When I got to his room, there was a note on his door. It was a ransom note. 
BB: What did the note say?
Schwaiger: The kidnapper demanded 1 million euros in cash, 1000 Milka chocolate bars in various flavors, 50 purple Milka cows, and for Maria and Lena to have DNFs in the upcoming world championship giant slalom and slalom races.
BB: Why did you wait until Sunday afternoon to report the abduction?
Schwaiger: I didn't want to upset Maria. She had a race on Sunday and I wanted her to focus on that. My strategy paid off because she got a bronze medal. If she got distracted by Dr. Mabongo being gone, she may have fallen apart and had a DNF. 
BB: Is the DSV willing to pay off the kidnappers and follow all of their demands?
Schwaiger: I'm hoping that we get Dr. Mabongo back before we are able to gather up the money, candy bars, and cows. He has done such a great job with Maria and Lena. Who would have thought that Lena would win the Moscow City Event before Dr. Mabongo was hired? And Maria has really gotten her focus back and already has two medals in the world championships. Based on her previous performances this season, she was not a medal favorite at all. It would be a real setback if we have to force Maria and Lena to DNF in their next races. In fact, the DSV has hired Dr. Mabongo to work with all of its male and female skiers. 
BB: Herr Mayer, do you have any suspects yet?
Mayer: The prime suspects are the Austrian ski team and the Swiss men's speed team. The ransom note was written in German, which rules out Italy or the USA. 
BB: I wouldn't rule out Italy or the USA. A lot of Italians come from the Suedtirol and speak German. The USA also has Austrian coaches who were thrown out of the Austrian Ski Federation for being embezzlers. It doesn't seem to be a big step from embezzlement to kidnapping. 
Mayer: That's true, but the Italians and Americans already have two medals in these championships at the halfway point. The Austrians only have one bronze medal and the Swiss men have no medals at all. They are the most likely candidates for requiring the services of a witch doctor.
BB: What about the French? They have the most medals so far at these championships and many French people can also speak German.
Mayer: We have eliminated the French because they started winning medals before Dr. Mabongo was taken. It appears that the French have their own witch doctor. The French coaching staff gave me receipts for plane tickets to Brazzaville and a copy of their witch doctor's visa. Everything checked out.
BB: Herr Schwaiger, if the French have their own team witch doctor, why would someone take yours and not the French team's?
Schwaiger: The French didn't publicize that they had a witch doctor. Whoever took Dr. Mabongo didn't realize that the French had one too.
BB: Do you think that Germany is setting a new trend by hiring a team witch doctor?
Schwaiger: That's possible. If teams can hire sports psychologists and massage therapists, they can certainly hire witch doctors. I'm sure they saw how Dr. Mabongo helped Lena and Maria and they wanted one too. At least the French went out and got their own instead of stealing ours.
BB: That would be very interesting if every ski team had its own witch doctor. But, on the other hand, how will the tribes of the Congo manage with a shortage of witch doctors?
Schwaiger: What's more important for a ski team, having athletes who are physically and mentally able to win races, or some natives in the jungle?
BB: You have a point. Anyway, back to the investigation. Herr Mayer, have you found any solid evidence that the Austrians or Swiss are involved?
Mayer: The Swiss are prime suspects. Dr. Mabongo was abducted on Friday night. The men's downhill race was Saturday. The Swiss speed team has been very poor in speed events, but on Saturday they suddenly had 3 men in the top 10. Austria only had 2 men in the top 10 in that race. All season Austria was better than Switzerland in downhill races and on Saturday the Swiss had better results. That set off alarm bells.
BB: And what makes you suspect the Austrians?
Mayer: The Sachertorte and ice cream deal was supposed to have been carried out. But it was nullified because the Austrians sent the Germans the wrong flavor of ice cream. The German coaching staff hates coffee flavored ice cream, yet the Austrians sent them cappucino ice cream. The Austrians have a strong motive for kidnapping Dr. Mabongo because they want revenge on Germany for the Fritz Dopfer deal going wrong.
BB: For those unfamiliar with the cake and ice cream deal, German skier Fritz Dopfer was traded to Austria for Sachertorte and a lifetime supply of ice cream. Because the deal was cancelled due to the wrong ice cream given to Germany, Fritz is staying with Germany. Herr Schwaiger, who do you suspect abducted Dr. Mabongo?
Schwaiger: I have to agree with Herr Mayer. I think it was either the Swiss or Austrian men. But I hope that whoever has him returns him soon.
BB: Which way are you leaning, toward the Swiss or Austrians?
Mayer: I hate to suspect my countrymen of criminal activity. But the Austrian coaches who went to the USA set a precedent with their embezzlement. Also, the ransom note demanded euros instead of Swiss francs. On the other hand, the Swiss have tried everything to get their men to perform well during the World Cup season and nothing happened. Switzerland may have realized that a witch doctor could help their men the way Dr. Mabongo helped Lena and Maria. They had a sudden improvement the day after Dr. Mabongo was taken, which is extremely suspicious.
BB: Have you looked into the possibility that Dr. Mabongo was taken by a Yeti? There are a lot of Yetis in the Austrian mountains. 
Mayer: We ruled that out because Yetis can't write in German.
BB: Can either of you describe Dr. Mabongo in case any of our readers see him?
Schwaiger: He is black, 125 cm tall, normal build, short black hair, dark brown eyes, and has a bone in his nose. He also wears a shrunken head charm around his neck.  Dr. Mabongo was last seen wearing a loincloth and was barefoot.
BB: But it's very cold and snowy here. Wouldn't Dr. Mabongo freeze to death dressed that way?
Schwaiger: Evidently not. Those witch doctors from the Congo seem to be very tough.
BB: What should someone do if he sees Dr. Mabongo?
Mayer: Someone who sees Dr. Mabongo should not try to rescue him, but should call the police right away. There will be someone on duty 24 hours to take calls. We will take all tips seriously except those involving Yetis or space aliens.
BB: But what if Dr. Mabongo really was abducted by space aliens?
Mayer: What are the odds that space aliens can write in perfect German? This isn't Star Trek or any other show where the aliens speak perfect English, German, French, or any other Earth language.
BB: Good point. Herr Schwaiger, is there anything you want to say to Dr. Mabongo's abductors? Everyone in the ski world reads the Blickbild, so they should get your message.
Schwaiger: Please return Dr. Mabongo to us unharmed and get your own witch doctor instead of stealing ours!
BB:  We at the Blickbild hope that Dr. Mabongo is found soon and returned to the Germans safe and sound.  And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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