Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Witch Doctor Returned To Germany

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Congolese witch doctor that the German Ski Federation (DSV) hired to help skiers Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr has been found. Dr. Mabongo was unharmed and returned to Germany immediately before the team event final in Schladming. Thanks to police work that was even more intrepid than the Blickbild's reporters, the Germans didn't have to pay any ransom. Dr. Mabongo was taken by a most unlikely suspect. Here to talk about how Dr. Mabongo was found are Schladming police chief Hermann Mayer and German technical team trainer Christian Schwaiger. 

BB: Let's start with the question that everyone in the ski world is asking....Who kidnapped Dr. Mabongo?
Mayer: Sweden.
BB: Sweden? Was Sweden even on your list of suspects? 
Mayer: No. Sweden is well-known for its technical team and not its speed team. In the Super-G, downhill, and combined events, Sweden did not win a medal. But that was a normal result, so no alarms were raised. The Swedes really flew under the radar on this one. 
BB: Sweden is well-known for its great slalom skiers. Andre Myhrer is one of the medal favorites as is Frida Hansdotter. They are both having good seasons, so why did Sweden feel the need to steal Germany's witch doctor?
Mayer: The team event was coming up and Sweden really wanted to win the gold medal. Also, Frida wanted to finally win a race instead of always finishing second. 
BB: But the ransom note was written in German. 
Mayer: That was what English speakers would call a real red herring. The ransom note was written by someone who appeared to be a native German speaker. That was why we originally suspected Austria or Switzerland. But we forgot that people from Scandinavia must learn several languages in school, German being one of the most popular.
BB: How did you figure out that the Swedes abducted Dr. Mabongo?
Mayer: I was part of the security squad at the team event. My colleagues and I knew that Austria, Germany, and France were the three medal favorites in this event. Sweden was a long shot to make it to the semi-finals, let alone the final. So we knew that something was up when Sweden beat Finland and the USA to make it into the final four. 
BB: Sweden's performance wasn't all that surprising. They had their top men and women competing. What happened to convince you that Sweden kidnapped the witch doctor?
Mayer: Sweden beat a great Canadian team to get into the final round. This was totally unexpected.  As Andre Myhrer and Mathias Hargin were getting ready to head up for the final against Austria, they happened to pass by my security checkpoint. My favorite bloodhound Fido was my partner for the evening. Fido started barking and growling at Andre and Mathias and would not stop. I thought that was odd because they are both such nice guys. Everyone likes Andre and Matthias. 
BB: Tell our readers what happened next.
Mayer:  I looked at Mathias and thought that something wasn't quite right with him. He is not a skinny guy, but he looked a little heavier than usual. Fido sniffed Mathias, then suddenly bit him in the stomach. He tore a good-sized hole in Mathias' speed suit. As I was getting ready to beat Fido for being rude, I spotted something black under Mathias' speed suit through the hole. Through my powers of deduction, I knew that it wasn't a back protector because Fido bit Mathias in the stomach. The next thing I knew, Dr. Mabongo popped out through the hole! 
BB: That must have been a real surprise for both you and Dr. Mabongo.
Mayer: It was. Who would have thought that he would be hidden under Mathias' speed suit! But Dr. Mabongo is a Pygmy and can be hidden just about anywhere. He was returned to Germany just before Fritz Dopfer's run in the bronze medal match against Canada. Fritz was the last skier for Germany and he had to win by at least 0.10 seconds for Germany to win the bronze medal. Canada looked like it was going to win. But when Fritz saw Dr. Mabongo with his teammates from the start house, he felt good juju spread all through his body and single-handedly gave his team the bronze medal.
BB: What is going to happen to Sweden now? How will the team be punished?
Mayer: I would think that their poor performances against the Austrians in the finals would be punishment enough. Replaying the final round during every team meeting would be a constant reminder of Sweden's wrongdoing, especially Andre Myhrer's run. But because kidnapping for ransom is a serious crime, the Swedish Ski Association will be charged and will have to go to court to defend itself. Normally the trial would be held in Austria, because that's where the crime took place. But because Austria borders Germany, we are considering a change of venue because it would be too difficult to find an unbiased jury. Kyrgyzstan and North Korea have offered to host the trial.
BB: Herr Schwaiger, I bet that you are thrilled to get Dr. Mabongo back. 
Schwaiger: I am very thrilled. Because of Dr. Mabongo's reappearance, Germany was able to win the bronze medal when it looked like all was lost. Maria, Lena, and Felix all had a rough competition up until then. I broke the news of Dr. Mabongo's disappearance to the team after the women's downhill race and I could tell that his absence affected them. But I couldn't hide it from them anymore. It was all over the Austrian news, CNN, Al-Jazeera, and every Hollywood celebrity news channel.  
BB: How is Felix doing after the Croatian skier crashed into him?
Schwaiger: He will be fine. At first I thought that the Croatian skier in the first round crashed into Felix  because of his inexperience. But when the police debriefed Dr. Mabongo we found out that Sweden forced him to make voodoo dolls of Felix and the Croatian skier and crash them into each other. 
BB: How do you plan to prevent another team from kidnapping Dr. Mabongo?
Schwaiger: There are two viable options. The DSV is negotiating with Norway to send us some attack-trained reindeer. Hopefully Norwegians like Milka chocolate and purple cows, because there is no way we are giving Fritz to Norway unless the DSV got Aksel Lund Svindal in return. I have also talked with a representative of Red Bull and they might be willing to pay for 24-hour bodyguards for Dr. Mabongo. They could use the money that they planned to spend for Lindsey Vonn's bodyguards. We even heard that Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli is available. 
BB: Hiring bodyguards for Dr. Mabongo sounds like a sensible idea. He really is a valuable asset to anyone who uses his services. 
Schwaiger: Very true. While Sweden had Dr. Mabongo, it was practically unbeatable. People were looking forward to a close and exciting final against Austria. But as soon as Dr. Mabongo came back to Germany, Sweden made a lot of mistakes in the final and handed the gold medal to Austria. 
BB: Is there anything else you would like to tell our readers?
Schwaiger: Yes. The DSV will be providing Fido with a lifetime supply of assorted doggie treats for his role in rescuing Dr. Mabongo. Thanks to Fido we got our witch doctor back. I also want to thank Herr Mayer and his team for never giving up their search for Dr. Mabongo despite the false leads. My family also thanks him for the Hermann Maier autograph cards. And one more thing. To Sweden, I say get your own damn witch doctor! Or at least steal the French team's witch doctor instead of ours. 
BB: In the interest of fairness, we wanted to get comments from Swedish Ski Association Secretary General Niklas Carlsson, but he was unavailable. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. We will bring you all the news from Schladming that the others don't dare to print. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We never give up when it comes to providing our readers with the stories that the others don't dare to print. 

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