Monday, February 4, 2013

How To Annoy Your Fellow Skiers

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Blickbild is always on the lookout for stories that the others don't dare to print. Today's story is not about tonight's opening ceremony for the Alpine Skiing World Championships in Schladming. Everyone else will be reporting about that, so we're avoiding it like the plague. Today the Blickbild is giving its readers a short break before the action begins in Schladming and is printing some advice for those who enjoy skiing themselves. We  were inspired by the following letter that we received. 

Dear Boston Blickbild,
I know about your reputation for publishing all the news that the others fear to print. I realize that most of your stories are about World Cup skiing, but I need some advice. As a recreational skier I see some very obnoxious behavior from my fellow skiers. They do a lot of things that are very bothersome. Can your team of intrepid reporters help me find ways to get revenge on my annoying fellow skiers? None of the other skiing sites or forums could help me and you are my last hope. 
Ski Bunny

It looks like Ski Bunny came to the right place for advice on how to be a real pest to others on the ski slopes. We sent a team of investigative reporters to various ski resorts in Germany and Austria to figure out how skiers can be irritating. The Blickbild's researchers have come up with all sorts of ways to help you get revenge on those who have the gall to annoy you on the slopes:

1. If the area where you plan to ski has small enclosed gondolas, don't bathe for at least a week before your ski day. Douse yourself with a lot of cheap perfume or cologne just before getting onto the gondola. 

2. When you step into a small gondola, and are the first to enter, be sure to take the seat closest to the door so that the others trying to get in have to step over you. Also, never move over to let someone sit next to you. 

3. In the lift lines run over the skis of the person in front of you. Scientific research has proven that this will make him or her move faster.

4. Light up a cigarette while on a chair lift. A cigar is even better. 

5.  Stand in front of the little automatic gate at the chair lift for more than one cycle so that nobody is able to get onto the lift. 

6. Have a really loud conversation on your mobile phone while on a chair lift or in a gondola. 

7. When skiing on a narrow traverse, ski 3 to 4 abreast and very slowly. Don't leave any room for faster skiers to pass you. 

8. When sitting on a chair lift, gesticulate wildly so that your arms and elbows are jabbing those sitting next to you. This is really effective in a large gondola where people are packed in like cattle. 

9. When sitting on a chair lift, make sure that your poles take up the whole length of the chair and are set in your fellow skiers' laps. 

10. Stop in the middle of a narrow run to look around. Never stop on the side of a run. 

11. When sitting on a chair lift, rock your skis from side to side so that they bump against the skis of those sitting next to you. 

12. When getting off a chair lift, make sure you run over the skis of the person next to you. 

13. On a wide run, when there is only one other skier on it, make sure you get as close as possible to him or her instead of skiing on the other side. 

14. If you have kids, get them to whine or scream really loudly while on a chair lift or in a gondola. 

Ski Bunny, I hope that we helped to solve your problem. We at the Blickbild are always ready to be of service to our fellow man. If you have a question about skiing, the Blickbild can help you answer it. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We help those that the others won't. 

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