Saturday, February 16, 2013

Ted Ligety: The Man Nobody Knows

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive
Yesterday in Schladming US star Ted Ligety became the first skier since Toni Sailer in 1958 to win three gold medals at a world championship. This is not normally a story that we would report since the others have already done so and even interviewed Ted. Instead, the Blickbild presents its unique perspective on Ted's remarkable achievement. We sent a team of our intrepid reporters to the USA to get the reaction of his countrymen. Ted is very well-known in Europe and among ski racing fans everywhere. But, as our readers will see from our man-on-the-street interviews, nobody in his country knows who he is even after his triple gold performance in Schladming.
Interview subject #1: Male surfer on a California beach
BB: (showing a photo of Ted)  Do you know who this man is?
Surfer: Yeah. (pointing to someone surfing) It's him.
BB: It can't be. This man is Ted Ligety and he's currently in Austria. He just won three gold medals at the Alpine skiing world championships.
Surfer: You're wrong, dude. That's Jimmy. Everyone knows Jimmy. (calling over a group of other surfers) Isn't this a picture of Jimmy?
The others all agree.
Interview subject #2: Woman in a North Carolina grocery store
BB: Excuse me, do you know who Ted Ligety is?
Woman: Of course I do. He's that hot new NASCAR driver!
Interview subject #3: Man in New Orleans French Quarter
BB: Do you know who Ted Ligety is?
Man: Isn't he the third string quarterback for the Saints? (note to our European readers--The Saints are the New Orleans American football team)
Interview subject #4: Woman in Las Vegas casino
BB: Who is Ted Ligety?
Woman: Never heard of him
BB: What if I told you that he just won three gold medals at the recent Alpine skiing world championships? Does that help you?
Woman: No.
Interview subject #5: Man in New York City.
BB: Have you ever heard of Ted Ligety?
Man: Yes. He sells hot dogs and pretzels in Battery Park. Sorry, my mistake, that's Ted Ligetsky.
Interview subject #6: Woman in Iowa shopping mall
BB: Do you know who Ted Ligety is?
Woman: I saw his name in the paper this morning. He was the fireman who got an award from the mayor for rescuing the Tyler family from their burning house.
Interview subject #7: Male skier at a Utah ski resort
BB: (showing a photo of Ted) Who is this man?
Skier: He looks like a skier.
BB: He is. That's Ted Ligety, who's on the US ski team. He just won three gold medals at the world championships.
Skier: He can't be on the US ski team. The only American skiers are that hot chick who was in Sports Illustrated before the Olympics and Bode Miller.

Interview subject #8: Woman in a Chicago restaurant
BB: What do you know about Ted Ligety?
Woman: He's the bike racer who was doping and was on Oprah talking about it.
BB: You're talking about Lance Armstrong. Ted Ligety is a ski racer.
Woman: Is he also doping?
BB: So far he has never tested positive for illegal performance enhancing drugs.
Woman: Well neither did that bike racer and look what happened to him!

Interview subject #9: Man at a county fair in Texas
BB: Who is Ted Ligety?
Man: Ted is a legend in Texas county fairs. He and his family have raised prize-winning pigs for the past 100 years.

Interview subject #10: Woman in a park in Seattle
BB: Do you know who Ted Ligety is?
Woman: He works at Microsoft and was one of the software engineers who developed Windows Vista. That was the worst operating system ever! Mac rules!

Interview subject #11: Two men in the Mississippi bayou
BB: Do either of you know who Ted Ligety is?
Man #1: He was taken aboard the flying saucer that landed here in 1987.
Man #2: That's right! He was probed by the aliens and told us all about it.
Man #1: I didn't believe in UFOs until I saw Ted taken up in that spaceship with my own eyes.
Man #2: He even drew pictures of what the aliens looked like.

Interview subject #12: Woman on a beach in Florida
BB: Tell me what you know about Ted Ligety.
Woman: Ted was my favorite character in the soap opera, "Light of Tomorrow." He was killed in a car accident. Vanessa, who's Ted's wife, found out that Ted was having an affair with Julie and got her pregnant. But Ted refused to take a paternity test. So Vanessa and Jack, the mechanic that she is having an affair with, conspired to kill Julie and her unborn baby. Vanessa paid Jack to cut the brake line on Julie's car. But it happened that Ted was taking his lunch break at Julie's house that day. Ted's car wouldn't start when it was time to go back to work, so he borrowed Julie's. As he was driving on Pine Street, which is hilly, the brakes failed and Jack hit a light pole and died after being in a coma for three months. Poor Julie! Now she has to fend off Roger, who always had a crush on her and was waiting for Ted to go back to Vanessa so he could have Julie. But Vanessa and Jack are now free to carry on their affair without worrying about Ted finding out about it. I still can't believe that Ted is dead. (starts crying)

The responses of the people whose interviews we published were typical of the hundreds of people who we asked about Ted. Nobody in America, except for perhaps his family, friends, and expatriate Austrians, knows who he really is. We at the Blickbild congratulate Ted on his 3 gold medals in Schladming. Hopefully Ted will keep up his success into the Sochi Olympics next year and finally get the recognition in his country that he deserves.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others don't recognize.

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