Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Red Bull Hires Bodyguard for Lindsey Vonn in Schladming

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

We at the Blickbild would like to apologize to our readers for two things. First of all, we got beaten to this story by others. When we saw this story, we couldn't believe that it was true, so we didn't bother printing it. But, as our intrepid research team found out, truth really is stranger than fiction. Secondly, we are supposed to be the one who publishes all the news that the others don't dare to print. Again we failed because we are publishing a story that others have already printed. But we have a different angle on this story than the others. The Blickbild presents an exclusive interview with Vonn's bodyguard Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli. Mr. Razzovelli was the Mafia enforcer hired by Red Bull and HEAD who convinced the Austrian women to give their World Championship medals to Vonn. The World Championships didn't have to be cancelled becuase of  Mr. Razzovelli's swift action. In addition, the Italian man who is the sole reason for Vonn needing a bodyguard is part of this interview. We are calling him "Mr. R" to protect his identity. Mr. R is in disguise so that he is not recognizable.

BB: Signore Razzovelli, please tell our readers why you were hired to protect Lindsey Vonn.
Razzovelli: Call me Vinnie. I'm not Italian, I'm from New Jersey.
BB: Fair enough. Vinnie, why does Lindsey need a bodyguard?
Razzovelli: She feels very unsafe in Schladming. There was a particular fan in Cortina who scared her twice and she is afraid he will show up in Schladming. 
BB: You are saying that Red Bull is giving Lindsey 24-hour protection because of one fan. Did he threaten her in some way?
Razzovelli: He touched her skis in Cortina in 2012. After he touched her skis the wind came up during her downhill run and she lost the race to Daniela Merighetti. He also asked her for a photo this year. Mr. R is obviously psychotic and is a danger to society. More importantly, he is a threat to Lindsey 
BB: You are saying that because Mr. R. touched her skis, Lindsey needs around the clock bodyguards?
Razzovelli: That's right. Mr. R obviously put a curse on her skis with his touch. We can't have that happening at the World Championships. Lindsey is very afraid for her safety in Schladming. We also heard that Mr. R was part of a group of fans who showed up with Lindsey Vonn voodoo dolls and stuck pins in them during her Super-G run in Cortina this year. That is why she lost the race.
BB: Vinnie, are you the one coordinating her bodyguard services for Red Bull?
Razzovelli: No. I will be her bodyguard for the whole time that she is in Schladming. 
BB: The World Championships will last for two weeks. When will you sleep?
Razzovelli: Sleep is for wimps. Happy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless. I will drink lots of Red Bull while in Schladming. They are giving me as much as I need to stay awake for two weeks. Nothing is more important than protecting Lindsey and Red Bull knows it.
BB: I'm sorry but I don't understand how Lindsey could feel safer in her home country than in a small Austrian town of about 4500 people. In the States she has a 10 times higher rate of being murdered, a triple risk of being raped, and about a 5 times greater chance of being assaulted than in Austria. Looking at crime statistics, it would seem that her Wohnmobil (note to our non-German speaking readers: A Wohnmobile is a camper or recreational vehicle) should have the bodyguard when it's unattended and not her. Austria had the 3rd highest rate of burglary out of 36 countries in a recent survey.
Razzovelli: She was assaulted in a way when Mr. R touched her skis in Cortina. A man who Lindsey didn't know put his hands all over her skis and left his mark on them. Can you even imagine how violated she felt by having a total stranger touch her skis?
BB: Skis are inanimate objects and have no feelings.
Razzovelli: You are wrong. A racer's skis are a big part of her. They are like a part of her body. When someone touches a racer's skis, it is akin to being raped.
BB: That seems a bit far-fetched, but I'll believe you because I treasure my kneecaps and life. Anyway, the incident with the skis happened in Cortina, which is in Italy. Schladming is in Austria.
Razzovelli: Italy, Austria, it's all Europe to me.
BB: According to the facts that our researchers found, in Schladming Lindsey Vonn has a greater chance of being attacked by a Yeti or by Oetzi the Iceman coming alive and attacking her than she does of being hurt by a fan. 
Razzovelli: Nonetheless, we are taking every precaution to ensure her safety. At every entrance to all venues in Schladming I am setting up security checkpoints. The guards will search spectators for voodoo dolls and confiscate them. The specially-trained guards will also chop off the hands of anyone who looks like the type who would even think about touching her skis or sneaking in a voodoo doll. We are also setting up guards on the shuttle buses that go to the race venues and even at the entrances to the town. Lindsey can concentrate on skiing and not have to fear for her safety.
BB: With all of those security precautions, Lindsey will be very safe indeed.  How do the residents of Schladming feel about their town being turned into an armed fortress?
Razzovelli: They should also feel safer than ever because riff-raff won't be allowed to enter the town. When Lindsey is safe, then everyone is.
BB: Because the Blickbild has a reputation for fairness, let's hear Mr. R's side of the story.
Mr. R: Here's what happened in Cortina last year. I asked Lindsey for an autograph and she told me, "Maybe next time." As she walked away, I was tripped by someone in the crowd and accidentally bumped into her skis. A big, scary-looking man told me to stay away from Lindsey's skis or else. I decided that the smart thing to do was leave and forget about an autograph. I had no idea that my touch would curse her skis.
BB: What happened in Cortina this year? I would think that a one-time encounter with Lindsey or  her skis would be a fluke. But when something happens twice, a pattern starts to emerge.
Mr. R: I asked Lindsey if I could take a photo of her. She looked at me, then ran away screaming, "It's him! He's back! Help!!!!" She even grabbed her skis and ran with them instead of waiting for her lackey to carry them. I can't imagine that asking for a photo as a fan would set her off.
BB: You were aware that at the beginning of this season Lindsey was suffering from stomach aches and depression? Those can make a person more sensitive.
Mr. R: OK, I can understand being sensitive, but she's being paranoid.
BB: Our sources found out that you were part of the group that had Lindsey Vonn voodoo dolls in Cortina. Maybe she wasn't really being paranoid. She was obviously afraid of someone who cursed her skis with his touch last season and brought a voodoo doll to the Super-G race this season.
Mr. R: But she has no reason to be afraid because I'm not going to the championships.
BB: Do you still have the voodoo doll?
Mr. R: Yes, but it won't work from my house because Schladming is out of its range.
BB: You may not be going to Schladming, but you could be sending someone in your place. First it's an autograph, then it's a request for a photo? What's next?
Mr. R: Nobody is going to Schladming in my place. Lindsey will be perfectly safe in Schladming without a bodyguard even if I were there.
BB: Mr. R, are you aware that there are "Wanted" posters plastered all over Schladming and at the Italy-Austria border with your photo on them? Anyone who sees you in the vicinity of Schladming is supposed to shoot you on sight, then call the police or Interpol right away.
Mr. R: No, I didn't know about the "Wanted" posters. But they are not necessary because I am staying home and watching the races on TV.
BB: That's a very good decision. Vinnie, I hope that Lindsey feels more secure  having you as her bodyguard. I know I would.
Razzovelli: She will. And Mr. R, if you decide to come to Schladming, I get first dibs on shooting you in the kneecaps.
BB: And that concludes another exclusive Blickbild interview. We are in Schladming reporting all of the action. Next time we won't let the others beat us to a story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Get beaten to a story once, shame on you. Get beaten twice, shame on me.

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