DSV Witch Doctor Abducted!

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Dr. Mabongo, the Congolese witch doctor that the German Ski Federation (DSV) hired to work with skiers Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr, was abducted from the Germans' hotel sometime last Friday night. The local police,  Interpol, and packs of St. Bernards and bloodhounds are already on the case. Here to talk with the Blickbild are Schladming police chief Hermann Mayer and German women's technical team trainer Christian Schwaiger. This interview was conducted before US skier Ted Ligety won a gold medal and Austrian skier Romed Baumann won a bronze medal in the super-combined event. 

BB: Herr Mayer, do people think that you are the Austrian ski legend Hermann Maier?

Mayer: All the time, even though we don't look alike at all. Hermann Maier the skier was blond and, as you can see, I have dark brown hair. He also spells his last name M-A-I-E-R, while mine is spelled M-A-Y-E-R. But the Herminator keeps me supplied with his autograph cards, which I hand out to unsuspecting tourists. You wouldn't believe how many of the Herminator's cards I've given out during the world championships.
BB: Does the suspected abduction of Dr. Mabongo mean that nobody in Schladming is safe? Is Schladming really Austria's "Crime Central?"
Mayer: Schladming is a very safe city. The last big crime we had here was back in 1986, when 5-year-old Elke Dorfkeller's mittens were accidentally taken by a kindergarten classmate. They were returned the next day. Both our local residents and the visitors here for the World Championships have nothing to worry about. This abduction is a one-in-a-million crime. People here have a higher chance of being attacked by a Yeti in the mountains than by being abducted in Schladming.

BB: Herr Schwaiger, how do you know that Dr. Mabongo was abducted and not simply out for a walk?

Schwaiger: When the team came down for breakfast Saturday morning, Dr. Mabongo was not at the table. He is normally the first one down to breakfast. I went up to his room to see if he was taking a shower or doing one of his voodoo rituals. When I got to his room, there was a note on his door. It was a ransom note. 

BB: What did the note say?

Schwaiger: The kidnapper demanded 1 million euros in cash, 1000 Milka chocolate bars in various flavors, 50 purple Milka cows, and for Maria and Lena to have DNFs in the upcoming world championship giant slalom and slalom races.
BB: Why did you wait until Sunday afternoon to report the abduction?
Schwaiger: I didn't want to upset Maria. She had a race on Sunday and I wanted her to focus on that. My strategy paid off because she got a bronze medal. If she got distracted by Dr. Mabongo being gone, she may have fallen apart and had a DNF. 

BB: Is the DSV willing to pay off the kidnappers and follow all of their demands?

Schwaiger: I'm hoping that we get Dr. Mabongo back before we are able to gather up the money, candy bars, and cows. He has done such a great job with Maria and Lena. Who would have thought that Lena would win the Moscow City Event before Dr. Mabongo was hired? And Maria has really gotten her focus back and already has two medals in the world championships. Based on her previous performances this season, she was not a medal favorite at all. It would be a real setback if we have to force Maria and Lena to DNF in their next races. In fact, the DSV has hired Dr. Mabongo to work with all of its male and female skiers. 

BB: Herr Mayer, do you have any suspects yet?

Mayer: The prime suspects are the Austrian ski team and the Swiss men's speed team. The ransom note was written in German, which rules out Italy or the USA. 

BB: I wouldn't rule out Italy or the USA. A lot of Italians come from the Suedtirol and speak German. The USA also has Austrian coaches who were thrown out of the Austrian Ski Federation for being embezzlers. It doesn't seem to be a big step from embezzlement to kidnapping. 

Mayer: That's true, but the Italians and Americans already have two medals in these championships at the halfway point. The Austrians only have one bronze medal and the Swiss men have no medals at all. They are the most likely candidates for requiring the services of a witch doctor.
BB: What about the French? They have the most medals so far at these championships and many French people can also speak German.
Mayer: We have eliminated the French because they started winning medals before Dr. Mabongo was taken. It appears that the French have their own witch doctor. The French coaching staff gave me receipts for plane tickets to Brazzaville and a copy of their witch doctor's visa. Everything checked out.
BB: Herr Schwaiger, if the French have their own team witch doctor, why would someone take yours and not the French team's?
Schwaiger: The French didn't publicize that they had a witch doctor. Whoever took Dr. Mabongo didn't realize that the French had one too.
BB: Do you think that Germany is setting a new trend by hiring a team witch doctor?
Schwaiger: That's possible. If teams can hire sports psychologists and massage therapists, they can certainly hire witch doctors. I'm sure they saw how Dr. Mabongo helped Lena and Maria and they wanted one too. At least the French went out and got their own instead of stealing ours.
BB: That would be very interesting if every ski team had its own witch doctor. But, on the other hand, how will the tribes of the Congo manage with a shortage of witch doctors?
Schwaiger: What's more important for a ski team, having athletes who are physically and mentally able to win races, or some natives in the jungle?
BB: You have a point. Anyway, back to the investigation. Herr Mayer, have you found any solid evidence that the Austrians or Swiss are involved?
Mayer: The Swiss are prime suspects. Dr. Mabongo was abducted on Friday night. The men's downhill race was Saturday. The Swiss speed team has been very poor in speed events, but on Saturday they suddenly had 3 men in the top 10. Austria only had 2 men in the top 10 in that race. All season Austria was better than Switzerland in downhill races and on Saturday the Swiss had better results. That set off alarm bells.
BB: And what makes you suspect the Austrians?
Mayer: The Sachertorte and ice cream deal was supposed to have been carried out. But it was nullified because the Austrians sent the Germans the wrong flavor of ice cream. The German coaching staff hates coffee flavored ice cream, yet the Austrians sent them cappucino ice cream. The Austrians have a strong motive for kidnapping Dr. Mabongo because they want revenge on Germany for the Fritz Dopfer deal going wrong.
BB: For those unfamiliar with the cake and ice cream deal, German skier Fritz Dopfer was traded to Austria for Sachertorte and a lifetime supply of ice cream. Because the deal was cancelled due to the wrong ice cream given to Germany, Fritz is staying with Germany. Herr Schwaiger, who do you suspect abducted Dr. Mabongo?
Schwaiger: I have to agree with Herr Mayer. I think it was either the Swiss or Austrian men. But I hope that whoever has him returns him soon.
BB: Which way are you leaning, toward the Swiss or Austrians?
Mayer: I hate to suspect my countrymen of criminal activity. But the Austrian coaches who went to the USA set a precedent with their embezzlement. Also, the ransom note demanded euros instead of Swiss francs. On the other hand, the Swiss have tried everything to get their men to perform well during the World Cup season and nothing happened. Switzerland may have realized that a witch doctor could help their men the way Dr. Mabongo helped Lena and Maria. They had a sudden improvement the day after Dr. Mabongo was taken, which is extremely suspicious.
BB: Have you looked into the possibility that Dr. Mabongo was taken by a Yeti? There are a lot of Yetis in the Austrian mountains. 
Mayer: We ruled that out because Yetis can't write in German.
BB: Can either of you describe Dr. Mabongo in case any of our readers see him?
Schwaiger: He is black, 125 cm tall, normal build, short black hair, dark brown eyes, and has a bone in his nose. He also wears a shrunken head charm around his neck.  Dr. Mabongo was last seen wearing a loincloth and was barefoot.
BB: But it's very cold and snowy here. Wouldn't Dr. Mabongo freeze to death dressed that way?
Schwaiger: Evidently not. Those witch doctors from the Congo seem to be very tough.
BB: What should someone do if he sees Dr. Mabongo?
Mayer: Someone who sees Dr. Mabongo should not try to rescue him, but should call the police right away. There will be someone on duty 24 hours to take calls. We will take all tips seriously except those involving Yetis or space aliens.
BB: But what if Dr. Mabongo really was abducted by space aliens?
Mayer: What are the odds that space aliens can write in perfect German? This isn't Star Trek or any other show where the aliens speak perfect English, German, French, or any other Earth language.
BB: Good point. Herr Schwaiger, is there anything you want to say to Dr. Mabongo's abductors? Everyone in the ski world reads the Blickbild, so they should get your message.
Schwaiger: Please return Dr. Mabongo to us unharmed and get your own witch doctor instead of stealing ours!
BB:  We at the Blickbild hope that Dr. Mabongo is found soon and returned to the Germans safe and sound.  And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We help solve mysteries that puzzle the others.

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Schladming Man In The Street Interviews

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Thursday was a quiet day at the World Championships. There were no races; both the men and women had downhill training. The Blickbild sent one of its intrepid reporters out on the streets of Schladming to talk to people about the competition. Our reporter came back with some interesting observations from people who are attending the championships. Here is a sampling of what people had to say about the 2013 World Championships.

First interview subject: A teenage boy

BB: Do you think the Austrians made the right decision to put Benjamin Raich on the World Championship team?

Boy: He's still alive?

BB: Yes, Benni is alive and well. In fact, he just had a 5th place finish in the Kitzbuehel slalom.

Boy: Really? I thought he was, like, 95 years old.

Second interview subject: A woman about 70 years old with a cane

BB: Do you think the Austrians made the right decision to put Benjamin Raich on the World Championship team?

Woman: Benni and I went to school together. We were in the same ski club and I even beat him in a race when we were in second grade.

BB: Don't you mean you were in the same class with Benni's father?

Woman: Are you calling me senile? (the woman suddenly hits our reporter on the head with her cane). That should teach you to disrespect your elders!

Third interview subject: A woman in her early 20s

BB: With Lindsey Vonn out of the competition due to injury, who do you think will win Sunday's women's downhill race?

Woman: The Austrian girl.

BB: Which one? There will be 5 Austrian women in the race.

Woman: I don't know. They all look alike because they're wearing the same uniform. If they wore clothes with their names on them I could tell them apart.

Fourth interview subject: A woman in her 30s
BB: With Lindsey Vonn out of the competition due to injury, who do you think will win Sunday's women's downhill race?
Woman: Why do you want to know?
BB: I'm with the Boston Blickbild. I'm asking people about the championships and will report what they have to say.
Woman: Sorry, you don't have the need to know.

Fifth interview subject: A young boy
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Boy: (wide-eyed) I know who you are! You're that man Mr. R on the "wanted" posters. My dad says you put a curse on Lindsey Vonn.
BB: No I'm not. I'm a reporter with the world-famous Boston Blickbild.
Boy: You touched Lindsey Vonn's skis when you asked for her autograph. Then you tried to take her picture. You even have a voodoo doll of her and pins.
BB: No, you're wrong. I'm a reporter with the Blickbild. (shows the kid a Blickbild ID card) See?
Boy:  Lindsey Vonn needed a bodyguard because of you.
BB: (grabbing the kid's shirt) You tell your dad to try writing the stories that the others don't dare to print and see what happens! (lets go of the boy's shirt)
The boy runs off crying for his mother.

Sixth interview subject: A man in his 20s.
BB: Do you think the Swiss men's speed team has a chance of winning any medals?
Man: (after laughing for a minute) I think the guy from Puerto Rico has a better chance of winning a medal than the Swiss men.
BB: How do you think the Swiss can improve their team?
Man: They should let space aliens take over their bodies, preferably ones that can ski.

Seventh interview subject: A teenage girl
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: Aksel Lund Svindal. He's so cute! When I turn 18, I'm going to marry him.
BB: Aksel already has a girlfriend, US skier Julia Mancuso.
Girl: I turn 18 in 4 years. Do you think they will break up before then?
BB: I don't think so. They will probably end up getting married.
Girl: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying inconsolably)

Eighth interview subject: A man in his 50s
BB: What is your theory about what happened to Austrian skier Regina Mader?
Man:  Everyone in Austria knows that Regina Sterz killed Regina Mader in order to get a place on the national ski team. Regina Sterz was on the edge of making the team, but kept getting beaten out by Regina Mader. There was only room for one skier named Regina on the Austrian team.The only way for Regina Sterz to get on the team was to kill Regina Mader.

Ninth interview subject: A man in his late 30s/early 40s
BB: How many knee operations has Ivica Kostelic had in his career?
Man: Sorry, I can't count that high.

Tenth interview subject: A young girl with her mother
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: You're a stranger. My mother told me never to talk to strangers.
Mother: Get away from my daughter, you pervert!

Eleventh interview subject: a man in his late 20s/early 30s
BB: If Christof Innerhofer wins a medal, who will give it to him at the award ceremony?
Man: Ante Kostelic.

Twelfth interview subject: a girl age 3 or 4 holding a plush Hopsi
BB: What is your name?
Girl: Katarina.
BB: Katarina, do you like to ski?
Girl: Yes. I am a good skier.
BB: Who is your favorite skier?
Girl: Hopsi!

Thirteenth interview subject: A man in his 40s.
BB: There have been injuries to several skiers after only two days of competition. How do you think they could have been prevented?
Man: By having the races on an easier course. Most injuries happen when someone is skiing on a course that is too difficult for their ability level. The race courses in Schladming are obviously too hard and the races should be moved to an easier one. If the courses can't be changed, then the skiers should wear a big air bag over their speed suits.

Fourteenth interview subject: A woman in her 20s
BB: Is German skier Fritz Dopfer really German or Austrian?
Woman: Does it really matter? He should just follow his bliss and be whatever he wants to be.

Fifteenth (and final) interview subject: two men who look to be in their 30s.
BB: Is German skier Fritz Dopfer really German or Austrian?
Man #1: German. He is a real asset to the German team.
Man #2: Definitely Austrian. He received all of his ski training in Austria.
Man #1: Yes, but the Austrians kicked him off the team. He moved back to Germany, therefore he's German.
Man #2: He was born in Austria, therefore he's Austrian.
Man #1: German! (he punches his companion in the face)
Man #2: Austrian! (he punches his companion in the stomach)
Man #1: German! (he wrestles his companion to the ground)
Man #2: Austrian! (while on the ground, he kicks his companion in the private parts. Both men writhe on the ground in pain and continue to argue)

BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive. We are reporting all of the action on and off the slopes at the Alpine Skiing World Championships in Schladming.  

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others won't go out on the street to get.

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Swiss Announce Last Minute Changes to Men's Team in Schladming

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

First of all, the Boston Blickbild wishes Lindsey Vonn a full recovery from the severe knee injury that she incurred in yesterday's Super-G race.

Now on to today's article...As our readers know, and anyone else paying attention to World Cup skiing, the Swiss men have had a dismal season. After 26 races the men only have one podium finish, Carlo Janka's 3rd place finish in the Wengen super-combined. The Swiss trainers feel that none of the current skiers on the speed team have a chance of winning a medal at the World Championships in Schladming. There was a crisis brewing on the team. Should the men's team stay at home or go to Schladming and come home in disgrace without a single medal? Fortunately the problem was solved when four of Switzerland's greatest ski racers volunteered to come out of retirement just for the World Championships. Roland Platzer, one of the Swiss national team trainers, took some time to give the Blickbild this exclusive interview.

BB: Who are the four skiers who came out of retirement?

Platzer: Pirmin Zurbriggen, Michael von Gruenigen, Didier Cuche, and Peter Mueller.
BB: In which events will they be racing?
Platzer: Zurbriggen will race in the 4 remaining events. After all, he is one of the few to win in all 5 disciplines in the World Cup, so he has a good shot at a medal in any event. Von Gruenigen will do the slalom and giant slalom. Mueller and Cuche will both compete in the downhill, with Cuche also doing the giant slalom.
BB: This is the first time in world championship history that a team was allowed to make wholesale last-minute substitutions. Normally the teams have to be declared before the championships begin. How did you get an exemption from this requirement and not be accused of bringing in ringers to help the team?
Platzer: Gunther Hujara knows how bad our team is. He let us see how our men performed in the opening Super-G before letting us add the retirees. The other Swiss trainers and I, along with Gunther and the rest of the FIS executive committee, decided that if none of the men had a top-10 finish we would add the retirees to the team. Silvan Zurbriggen had the best finish of our men in the Super-G in 11th place, so the retired racers were added to the team. We believed that Lara Gut's silver medal in the women's Super-G would inspire our men, but we were wrong. It was time for drastic measures.
BB: With the exception of Cuche, aren't the others rather old to be racing in the World Championships? Von Gruenigen is 43, Zurbriggen just turned 50, and Mueller is 55.

Platzer: Age is just a number. Anyway Hubertus von Hohenlohe was 52 at the 2011 World Championships and Jean-Pierre Roy was 47.
BB: True, but neither Roy nor Von Hohenlohe had a realistic shot at a medal.
Platzer: Neither do the current skiers on the Swiss team! But  Cuche, Von Gruenigen, Zurbriggen, and Mueller have 20 World Championship medals between them: 8 gold, 8 silver, and 4 bronze. They may be old, but they still know how to win. In fact, between them they won 11 medals at the Swiss Geriatric Olympics last month. Pirmin Zurbriggen won 5 medals: 2 gold, 2 silver, and a bronze. Didier Cuche won 2 gold medals and a bronze; Michael von Gruenigen won a gold and silver medal; Peter Mueller won a silver medal. So they can still hold their own with the competition.

BB: Yes, but men are at their physical peak in their late 20s and early 30s. After that their performance naturally deteriorates. I have a lot of respect for the four who are joining the team, but do they have a realistic chance to win a medal in a world championship versus in the Geriatric Olympics?

Platzer: They have a better chance than our current skiers, who are 20 to 30 years younger. I admire these four men for wanting to do their part to restore Switzerland to its former glory. If we carry on with our current speed team, our men will bring home a grand total of zero medals from Schladming.
BB: You do realize that this is a world skiing championship and not bowling or golf where you can get a handicap to compensate for lesser ability or age?
Platzer: Of course! Zurbriggen, Mueller, Von Gruenigen, and Cuche were the best skiers of their times. They don't need a handicap. They will show their younger teammates how to win by example.
BB: Since those four men haven't competed on the World Cup this season, they will end up starting at the back of the pack. How can they have a realistic shot at a medal with start numbers in the 80s?
Platzer: Carlo Janka finished 2nd in a race with start number 65. Of course that was a few years ago. Now we realize that Carlo was a one-hit wonder. Anyway, if Carlo could do it, the others can too. Nothing is impossible.
BB: Wouldn't it be best just to call this season a wash and develop younger talent for the 2015 and 2017 championships and 2018 Olympics?
Platzer: You are not Swiss, so you don't understand. We don't just make chocolate and cuckoo clocks or have banks with secret accounts in Switzerland. Skiing is in our blood. We are not just the land of Heidi; we are the country that produces as many ski champions as Austria. When our skiers perform poorly, we are shamed in the eyes of the world. The four men who came out of retirement to help our team understand this and want to aid their country.
BB: The Swiss men will start competing in women's races starting next season. Are you developing some new talent who will be able to compete with the men?
Platzer: Yes. We have talented young skiers in the technical events. They will carry on competing in men's races. When they are ready, they will become all-around skiers and race with men. But our current speed team will start racing with women next season.
BB: I realize that the speed team is having a hard time competing against their fellow men. But wouldn't it be more embarrassing if the Swiss men can't beat women?
Platzer: The Swiss team is unfortunately in a lose-lose situation. If we consistently beat the women, and win all of their crystal globes, we will be viewed as macho gorillas who are beating up on poor, defenseless women.We may even have to go back to the men's circuit. But if we can't even beat the women, then we will officially be the wimps of the world. Everyone will taunt our men about not being able to beat girls. Our men will be pelted with eggs and rotten tomatoes everywhere they go.
BB: Would the speed team compete in the men's or women's races at the 2014 Olympics and 2015 World Championships?
Platzer: They will compete against women. Only those who can consistently beat women in every race by huge margins in World Cup races will be allowed back onto the men's team. But if they perform poorly against men, then it's back to the women's tour for them.
BB: Let's say that Zurbriggen, Cuche, Von Gruenigen and Mueller do well in Schladming. Would they compete on the women's circuit with the rest of the speed team?
Platzer: No, they will compete with the men. Even though they are old, we would never embarrass them by making them ski against women. They are great champions who deserve respect.
BB: Didier Defago is an Olympic gold medalist, as is Carlo Janka. Carlo is also a world champion and overall World Cup winner. Aren't they also considered great champions?
Platzer: Your so-called intrepid reporters and researchers have obviously been sleeping through this season. With Didier Cuche retiring and Beat Feuz being injured, we realized just how bad our men's speed team really is. Carlo and Didier have had abysmal performances, as have all of the others on the speed team.They need help. If champion racers coming out of retirement can do their part to rescue our team, then more power to them!
BB: When Beat Feuz comes back next season, will he compete with the men or women?
Platzer: Men. Beat was our best skier last season and we have high hopes for him when he returns. Since he was the second-best man in the world last season, he along with the four retirees in Schladming will be the only Swiss men on the speed team who will be allowed to compete on the men's tour.
BB: Do Cuche, Zurbriggen, Mueller, and Von Gruenigen plan to compete beyond Schladming? Or are they just on the team for the championships?
Platzer: For now they are on the team just to compete in Schladming. But if they perform better than our current skiers,which is a good possibility, they are welcome to stay on the Swiss team for the Sochi Olympics and beyond. We could use men who know how to win, no matter how old they are. Who knows, one of them could set a record for oldest world championship medalist. You never know what can happen.
BB: That is true. Well Herr Platzer, I want to thank you for your time. You have your hands full with your team. I want to wish your team luck for the rest of the races. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

Correction to this story: After this interview was completed, we found out that Silvan Zurbriggen was disqualified. The highest-finishing Swiss man in the Super-G was Patrick Kueng in 18th place. It looks like the Swiss team's decision to bring back their retired stars was the correct one. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the others avoid like the plague.

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Red Bull Hires Bodyguard for Lindsey Vonn in Schladming

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive



We at the Blickbild would like to apologize to our readers for two things. First of all, we got beaten to this story by others. When we saw this story, we couldn't believe that it was true, so we didn't bother printing it. But, as our intrepid research team found out, truth really is stranger than fiction. Secondly, we are supposed to be the one who publishes all the news that the others don't dare to print. Again we failed because we are publishing a story that others have already printed. But we have a different angle on this story than the others. The Blickbild presents an exclusive interview with Vonn's bodyguard Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli. Mr. Razzovelli was the Mafia enforcer hired by Red Bull and HEAD who convinced the Austrian women to give their World Championship medals to Vonn. The World Championships didn't have to be cancelled becuase of  Mr. Razzovelli's swift action. In addition, the Italian man who is the sole reason for Vonn needing a bodyguard is part of this interview. We are calling him "Mr. R" to protect his identity. Mr. R is in disguise so that he is not recognizable.

BB: Signore Razzovelli, please tell our readers why you were hired to protect Lindsey Vonn.

Razzovelli: Call me Vinnie. I'm not Italian, I'm from New Jersey.

BB: Fair enough. Vinnie, why does Lindsey need a bodyguard?

Razzovelli: She feels very unsafe in Schladming. There was a particular fan in Cortina who scared her twice and she is afraid he will show up in Schladming. 

BB: You are saying that Red Bull is giving Lindsey 24-hour protection because of one fan. Did he threaten her in some way?

Razzovelli: He touched her skis in Cortina in 2012. After he touched her skis the wind came up during her downhill run and she lost the race to Daniela Merighetti. He also asked her for a photo this year. Mr. R is obviously psychotic and is a danger to society. More importantly, he is a threat to Lindsey 

BB: You are saying that because Mr. R. touched her skis, Lindsey needs around the clock bodyguards?

Razzovelli: That's right. Mr. R obviously put a curse on her skis with his touch. We can't have that happening at the World Championships. Lindsey is very afraid for her safety in Schladming. We also heard that Mr. R was part of a group of fans who showed up with Lindsey Vonn voodoo dolls and stuck pins in them during her Super-G run in Cortina this year. That is why she lost the race.

BB: Vinnie, are you the one coordinating her bodyguard services for Red Bull?

Razzovelli: No. I will be her bodyguard for the whole time that she is in Schladming. 

BB: The World Championships will last for two weeks. When will you sleep?

Razzovelli: Sleep is for wimps. Happy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless. I will drink lots of Red Bull while in Schladming. They are giving me as much as I need to stay awake for two weeks. Nothing is more important than protecting Lindsey and Red Bull knows it.

BB: I'm sorry but I don't understand how Lindsey could feel safer in her home country than in a small Austrian town of about 4500 people. In the States she has a 10 times higher rate of being murdered, a triple risk of being raped, and about a 5 times greater chance of being assaulted than in Austria. Looking at crime statistics, it would seem that her Wohnmobil (note to our non-German speaking readers: A Wohnmobile is a camper or recreational vehicle) should have the bodyguard when it's unattended and not her. Austria had the 3rd highest rate of burglary out of 36 countries in a recent survey.

Razzovelli: She was assaulted in a way when Mr. R touched her skis in Cortina. A man who Lindsey didn't know put his hands all over her skis and left his mark on them. Can you even imagine how violated she felt by having a total stranger touch her skis?

BB: Skis are inanimate objects and have no feelings.

Razzovelli: You are wrong. A racer's skis are a big part of her. They are like a part of her body. When someone touches a racer's skis, it is akin to being raped.

BB: That seems a bit far-fetched, but I'll believe you because I treasure my kneecaps and life. Anyway, the incident with the skis happened in Cortina, which is in Italy. Schladming is in Austria.

Razzovelli: Italy, Austria, it's all Europe to me.

BB: According to the facts that our researchers found, in Schladming Lindsey Vonn has a greater chance of being attacked by a Yeti or by Oetzi the Iceman coming alive and attacking her than she does of being hurt by a fan. 

Razzovelli: Nonetheless, we are taking every precaution to ensure her safety. At every entrance to all venues in Schladming I am setting up security checkpoints. The guards will search spectators for voodoo dolls and confiscate them. The specially-trained guards will also chop off the hands of anyone who looks like the type who would even think about touching her skis or sneaking in a voodoo doll. We are also setting up guards on the shuttle buses that go to the race venues and even at the entrances to the town. Lindsey can concentrate on skiing and not have to fear for her safety.

BB: With all of those security precautions, Lindsey will be very safe indeed.  How do the residents of Schladming feel about their town being turned into an armed fortress?

Razzovelli: They should also feel safer than ever because riff-raff won't be allowed to enter the town. When Lindsey is safe, then everyone is.

BB: Because the Blickbild has a reputation for fairness, let's hear Mr. R's side of the story.

Mr. R: Here's what happened in Cortina last year. I asked Lindsey for an autograph and she told me, "Maybe next time." As she walked away, I was tripped by someone in the crowd and accidentally bumped into her skis. A big, scary-looking man told me to stay away from Lindsey's skis or else. I decided that the smart thing to do was leave and forget about an autograph. I had no idea that my touch would curse her skis.

BB: What happened in Cortina this year? I would think that a one-time encounter with Lindsey or  her skis would be a fluke. But when something happens twice, a pattern starts to emerge.

Mr. R: I asked Lindsey if I could take a photo of her. She looked at me, then ran away screaming, "It's him! He's back! Help!!!!" She even grabbed her skis and ran with them instead of waiting for her lackey to carry them. I can't imagine that asking for a photo as a fan would set her off.

BB: You were aware that at the beginning of this season Lindsey was suffering from stomach aches and depression? Those can make a person more sensitive.

Mr. R: OK, I can understand being sensitive, but she's being paranoid.

BB: Our sources found out that you were part of the group that had Lindsey Vonn voodoo dolls in Cortina. Maybe she wasn't really being paranoid. She was obviously afraid of someone who cursed her skis with his touch last season and brought a voodoo doll to the Super-G race this season.

Mr. R: But she has no reason to be afraid because I'm not going to the championships.

BB: Do you still have the voodoo doll?

Mr. R: Yes, but it won't work from my house because Schladming is out of its range.

BB: You may not be going to Schladming, but you could be sending someone in your place. First it's an autograph, then it's a request for a photo? What's next?

Mr. R: Nobody is going to Schladming in my place. Lindsey will be perfectly safe in Schladming without a bodyguard even if I were there.

BB: Mr. R, are you aware that there are "Wanted" posters plastered all over Schladming and at the Italy-Austria border with your photo on them? Anyone who sees you in the vicinity of Schladming is supposed to shoot you on sight, then call the police or Interpol right away.

Mr. R: No, I didn't know about the "Wanted" posters. But they are not necessary because I am staying home and watching the races on TV.

BB: That's a very good decision. Vinnie, I hope that Lindsey feels more secure  having you as her bodyguard. I know I would.

Razzovelli: She will. And Mr. R, if you decide to come to Schladming, I get first dibs on shooting you in the kneecaps.

BB: And that concludes another exclusive Blickbild interview. We are in Schladming reporting all of the action. Next time we won't let the others beat us to a story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Get beaten to a story once, shame on you. Get beaten twice, shame on me.

The Blickbild has its own Facebook page. If you enjoy our unique brand of reporting, please like us on Facebook.

How To Annoy Your Fellow Skiers

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Blickbild is always on the lookout for stories that the others don't dare to print. Today's story is not about tonight's opening ceremony for the Alpine Skiing World Championships in Schladming. Everyone else will be reporting about that, so we're avoiding it like the plague. Today the Blickbild is giving its readers a short break before the action begins in Schladming and is printing some advice for those who enjoy skiing themselves. We  were inspired by the following letter that we received. 

Dear Boston Blickbild,

I know about your reputation for publishing all the news that the others fear to print. I realize that most of your stories are about World Cup skiing, but I need some advice. As a recreational skier I see some very obnoxious behavior from my fellow skiers. They do a lot of things that are very bothersome. Can your team of intrepid reporters help me find ways to get revenge on my annoying fellow skiers? None of the other skiing sites or forums could help me and you are my last hope. 

Sincerely,

Ski Bunny

It looks like Ski Bunny came to the right place for advice on how to be a real pest to others on the ski slopes. We sent a team of investigative reporters to various ski resorts in Germany and Austria to figure out how skiers can be irritating. The Blickbild's researchers have come up with all sorts of ways to help you get revenge on those who have the gall to annoy you on the slopes:

1. If the area where you plan to ski has small enclosed gondolas, don't bathe for at least a week before your ski day. Douse yourself with a lot of cheap perfume or cologne just before getting onto the gondola. 

2. When you step into a small gondola, and are the first to enter, be sure to take the seat closest to the door so that the others trying to get in have to step over you. Also, never move over to let someone sit next to you. 

3. In the lift lines run over the skis of the person in front of you. Scientific research has proven that this will make him or her move faster.

4. Light up a cigarette while on a chair lift. A cigar is even better. 

5.  Stand in front of the little automatic gate at the chair lift for more than one cycle so that nobody is able to get onto the lift. 

6. Have a really loud conversation on your mobile phone while on a chair lift or in a gondola. 

7. When skiing on a narrow traverse, ski 3 to 4 abreast and very slowly. Don't leave any room for faster skiers to pass you. 

8. When sitting on a chair lift, gesticulate wildly so that your arms and elbows are jabbing those sitting next to you. This is really effective in a large gondola where people are packed in like cattle. 

9. When sitting on a chair lift, make sure that your poles take up the whole length of the chair and are set in your fellow skiers' laps. 

10. Stop in the middle of a narrow run to look around. Never stop on the side of a run. 

11. When sitting on a chair lift, rock your skis from side to side so that they bump against the skis of those sitting next to you. 

12. When getting off a chair lift, make sure you run over the skis of the person next to you. 

13. On a wide run, when there is only one other skier on it, make sure you get as close as possible to him or her instead of skiing on the other side. 

14. If you have kids, get them to whine or scream really loudly while on a chair lift or in a gondola. 

Ski Bunny, I hope that we helped to solve your problem. We at the Blickbild are always ready to be of service to our fellow man. If you have a question about skiing, the Blickbild can help you answer it. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We help those that the others won't. 

Marcel Hirscher's Wish in Schladming

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild continues its series on athletes to watch at the upcoming World Championships in Schladming. On the eve of the championships we are honored to interview one of the biggest stars of the World Cup. Marcel Hirscher may be one of the smallest guys on the World Cup, but at age 23 he  already has 18 victories and 40 podiums. He missed the 2011 World Championships with a broken ankle, but he is ready to win medals in Schladming. Marcel won the World Cup overall globe last season in a thrilling duel with Swiss skier Beat Feuz and also won the giant slalom globe over US GS star Ted Ligety. He is looking set to win his second World Cup overall globe this season and has a good chance of winning the slalom globe. Marcel talks about what he really wishes for in Schladming.

BB: Marcel, you are favored to win medals in Schladming in both the slalom and giant slalom events. Are you hoping that they will be gold?

Hirscher: Of course I would like to win at least one gold medal in Schladming because the championships are in my home country. I have a very good chance of a medal in both events, though there are a lot of great skiers. Anything can happen in the technical disciplines.  

BB: Do you feel more pressure because the championships are in Austria?

Hirscher: Not really. I will go out and do my best and hope for a medal. I feel like I have a better chance for gold in the slalom than in the GS. As we say in Austria, Ted Ligety is unbreakable in GS and he certainly has been this season. But I won the GS in finals in Schladming last year and also was 3rd in the Super-G.

BB: The Blickbild reported that German skier Fritz Dopfer was recently traded to Austria for Sachertorte and ice cream. How do you feel having him as a new teammate?

Hirscher: Fritz is a great competitor and I look forward to having him on the team. It would answer the question once and for all whether he is German or Austrian.

BB: You are part Dutch. Have you ever considered competing for the Netherlands instead of Austria?

Hirscher: No. I am very happy and and proud to be on the Austrian team. I am Austrian and not Dutch.

BB: The researchers at the Blickbild found out that you have another big wish besides winning medals in Schladming. Could you tell our readers about what you really wish for in Schladming?

Hirscher: I would like to be tall.

BB: Wait a minute! Our research staff is never wrong. I was told by our researchers that you were planning to propose to your girlfriend during the championships and your wish was that she would accept.

Hirscher: I'm sorry, but this time your researchers are wrong. My dream in Schladming is to be tall.
BB: When your girlfriend reads this interview she is going to be heartbroken. Our sources hear that she is dreaming of you putting a gold medal that you earn around her neck and asking her to marry you.
Hirscher: I'm not ready to get married yet. But I am ready to be tall.

BB: Marcel, you may be small but at age 23 you have accomplished more than most World Cup racers do in a full career. People everywhere look up to you as a role model.

Hirscher: Ha ha ha, look up to me, that's very funny. But have you ever stood on the top step of a World Cup podium and still been shorter than the other podium finishers when they are not even standing on their respective steps?

BB: No. I've never been in a World Cup ski race, let alone on a podium.

Hirscher: Have you ever had Benni Raich pat you on the head every time he passes by you?

BB: No.

Hirscher: Have you been out in public with your girlfriend and people ask her if you're  her younger brother?

BB: No.
Hirscher: When you are out at a fest with your friends, or simply out for a beer, does the waitress bring you a Shirley Temple while your friends get beer? (note to our European readers: A Shirley Temple is lemonade with grenadine. It is a popular children's drink in the US.)
BB: No.
Hirscher: Do you get asked for your school ID card when going into museums or amusement parks because the ticket sellers think you're under 12? The only good thing about being small is that I can ride the public transportation in Salzburg for free.

BB:  But when you wear your glasses you look older.

Hirscher: Whenever I wear my glasses out in public, people think that I'm a child genius. When I wear my glasses at autograph sessions with the team, people ask about hiring me as a physics or chemistry tutor for their kids. When I hand out my autograph cards, nobody believes that I'm a ski racer. You know why? Ski racers are tall and I'm not.

BB: A lot of ski racing fans have your autograph cards, so you must be giving them out somehow.

Hirscher: Let me tell you how my autograph cards get to the fans. My teammate Max Franz and I resemble each other. People think that Max is me. He has started carrying around a supply of my cards to hand out. And why do you think that people think that Max is me?

BB: Because you look alike?

Hirscher: No, it's because he's tall! Max fits the profile of a champion ski racer because of his height.  When the fans see us together, they think I'm one of the Austrian junior team members.

BB: Come on, Marcel. Not all great ski racers are tall. Ted Ligety and the legendary Didier Cuche are not tall but they are champion racers.
Hirscher: And how many women do they have? Zero. Why? Because they are short. Now look at Alberto Tomba, Christof Innerhofer, Dominik Paris, and Matteo Marsaglia. Women love them! Alberto Tomba got Katarina Witt at the 1988 Olympics. Every time there is a training session or a race, Christof, Dominik, and Matteo are surrounded by women who want autographs and photos.
BB: Have you ever thought that you don't really want to be tall, but you want to be Italian instead? 
Hirscher: No, I definitely want to be tall.
BB: But all of the skiers that you just mentioned are Italian. Felix Neureuther, Carlo Janka, and Aksel Lund Svindal are also tall, but they weren't on your list. Why did you only mention Italian skiers as the ones you want to be like?
Hirscher: They were the first ones who came into my head and Italy borders Austria.
BB: What do you like better, pizza and pasta or schnitzel and pommes?
Hirscher: Definitely pizza and pasta.
BB: And which language is more romantic, German or Italian? 
Hirscher: Italian. My girlfriend prefers to be called, "Innamorata mia" over "Mein Schatz."
BB: Do you prefer to spend your holidays on a warm beach or in the Salzburg rain?
Hirscher: There's nothing like spending time on a sandy Italian beach in the sun in a Speedo, splashing in the water, seeing my girlfriend in a bikini, and eating gelato.
BB: Unfortunately, nothing can be done about your height. You're stuck with your genetic makeup. So you're just going to have to get over yourself and deal with being short. However, our sources have found out that you can easily become Italian. In fact, since Fritz Dopfer has officially become Austrian, someone needs to leave the Austrian team to make room for him. Italy is willing to send one of its skiers to Germany to take the spot vacated by Fritz Dopfer and would really like you to join the Azzuri. You could fulfill your dream of becoming Italian.
Hirscher: Hold on here! Don't you think I have a better chance of making the Dutch team because I actually have Dutch blood? I have no Italian blood. The Italians won't take me because they have a good team already. Anyway, it was your wish for me to become Italian. I never said that I wanted to be Italian.
BB: Urs Imboden was Swiss and Mirko DeFlorian was Italian and they competed for Moldova. Kilian Albrecht competed for Austria and then for Bulgaria. None of them were Moldovan or Bulgarian. Therefore you could compete for Italy even though you're not really Italian.
Hirscher: This is crazy! Next thing you know, Aksel Lund Svindal will compete on the US ski team.
BB: That could happen. If Aksel were to marry Julia Mancuso, he would become a US citizen and eligible for the ski team. The US men's team needs someone who is consistently good in the speed events, especially with Bode Miller being out for the season.
Hirscher:  Hey, do you think that the Austrian Ski Federation could send the Germans the wrong flavor of ice cream? Then the deal for Fritz Dopfer would be nullified. Fritz could stay in Germany, I would carry on here in Austria, and Aksel could still compete for Norway. However, if Italy is willing to make me tall, I will join the team and the fans will just have to be confused.
BB: Hopefully the powers that be will have things sorted out by the time the World Championships begin. Anyway, I want to wish you success in Schladming and may you stand tall on the podium, whether you compete for Austria or Italy. 
Hirscher: I'm really getting tired of the comments about my height.
BB: And that concludes another exclusive Boston Blickbild interview. We will be reporting all of the big stories from Schladming that nobody else will print.
Hirscher: You really have gone too far with the height comments. Big stories, standing tall on the podium, people looking up to me. What's next?

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We rock! The others are wimps!

Skiers To Give Their World Championship Medals To Lindsey Vonn

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The Boston Blickbild is known for its interviews. But we at the Blickbild are not afraid to try new things and have done this piece in the style of a traditional news story. We are still upholding our high journalistic standards and maintaining our reputation as the one who will print the stories that nobody else will. Hopefully our readers will enjoy this story as much as they do our exclusive interviews. 

SCHLADMING, Austria:  After a tense 3-month standoff, the Austrian women have finally given in to the demand from the International Skiing Federation (FIS) to give skier Lindsey Vonn all of the medals that they will earn at the World Championships in Schladming, which will open on Monday. FIS officials were afraid that the championships would have to be cancelled because the Austrian women wanted to keep their medals instead of giving them to Vonn. But thanks to some clever negotiations, the Austrian women have capitulated and the championships can go on as scheduled. 

The idea of giving Vonn medals started with her best, and only, friend on the World Cup circuit, German skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch. She said, “I still feel guilty about what happened in Lenzerheide two seasons ago, when I won the overall World Cup globe by 3 points after the final race was cancelled due to the weather. I wanted to do something to make my friend feel better after everything that she has been through with her divorce, tax problems, stomach aches, and depression. I thought it would make her feel good if I gave her any gold medals that I earn in Schladming. I know that she would never do the same for me, but sometimes in a friendship, one person must give more.”

Hoefl-Riesch’s idea of giving Vonn her gold medals very quickly spread to other skiers. Vonn’s teammate Julia Mancuso and British skier Chemmy Alcott were the next to pledge to give any gold medals that they earn to Vonn. Mancuso and Alcott know all about helping others. They were the founders of the Skiers Helping Japan charity, which aided victims of the devastating 2011 earthquake and tsunami. Once Mancuso and Alcott got involved, word spread quickly and the female skiers participating in the World Championships vowed to give their gold medals to Vonn.

One of Vonn’s public relations spokesmen, who chose to remain anonymous, said that this was not good enough. He said that Vonn’s legacy must exceed that of former champion Anja Paerson, who is the only skier in history, male or female, to earn gold medals in all five disciplines at the world championships. The spokesman said, “Even if Lindsey gets all of the gold medals, she will only tie Paerson’s accomplishment. Lindsey needs something to completely obliterate Paerson from the record books and establish the Vonn legacy. Any Alpine skier who earns a medal, whether it’s gold, silver, or bronze, must give her medal to Lindsey. That way Lindsey will have earned every medal possible at a world championship. Nobody will ever be able to match that achievement and it will stand in the record books forever. ” The spokesman also brought up the 2010 Olympics, where Vonn brought her downhill gold medal to the Super-G award ceremony and was criticized for it. Vonn won a bronze medal in the Olympic Super-G. “Now if Lindsey earns a silver or bronze medal, she will also have a gold medal to go along with it. There is no way anybody can say she is doing anything wrong or tacky at the award ceremony.”

All of the other women on the World Cup circuit, except for the Austrians, enthusiastically endorsed giving their medals to Vonn. World Cup overall leader Tina Maze of Slovenia explained why this was such a great idea. “I feel terrible that I am leading the overall standings this year instead of Lindsey. When I think of how I am contributing to her depression, it makes me depressed. So when I heard about the idea of giving Lindsey all of the medals that I earn in Schladming, I knew that it was the right thing to do. It would help to make both of us feel good.” US ski prodigy Mikaela Shiffrin also jumped on the bandwagon to help her teammate. According to Shiffrin, “Lindsey feels so bad because I’m getting a lot of media attention for my achievements. She is out of the limelight and it makes her angry and upset. Giving her any medals that I earn will turn the attention back to her, where it rightfully belongs.”

Even the men got into the act. Mancuso’s boyfriend, Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal, thought that giving Vonn all of his medals was a splendid idea. Svindal, who is known for his sportsmanship, said, “I thought that my Olympic bronze medal was special because Kjetil (teammate Kjetil Jansrud) was on the podium with me. But I was wrong. Any medal that I earn in Schladming will be even more special because I will give it to Lindsey in order to make her feel good and to make it easier for Julia in team meetings. I will be helping two people simultaneously.” Austrian Marcel Hirscher, last season’s World Cup overall champion, also got his fellow men to donate their medals to Vonn. “If I can give my race winnings to Italian earthquake victims,” he said, “I can certainly give Lindsey all of my world championship medals. She is a more worthy cause than people who lost everything in an earthquake. There is nothing in this world worse than depression and belly aches.” Even injured Swiss sensation Beat Feuz had something to say. “I wish that I wasn’t injured this season so that I could compete in Schladming and give Lindsey all of my medals. I know she would really appreciate that.”

Still, the Austrian women adamantly refused to give any medals to Vonn.  Anna Fenninger, the 2011 World Championship super-combined gold medalist, summed up the Austrian position. “First she disrespected us women by saying that she wanted to ski with men because we were too boring. Then she wants us to hand over the medals that we earn. Forget it!” Fenninger’s teammate Michaela Kirchgasser had an even stronger stance. “First she expected to get 2000 points and all 5 globes this season. Then she wanted to race against men and beat them. If she is so great, she should be able to earn medals in Schladming without any help from us. She won’t get any of my medals.”  Elisabeth Goergl, the veteran member of the Austrian team, and the 2011 World Championship gold medalist in downhill and Super-G, also had some choice words for Vonn. “When Lindsey can beat us women in every race by huge margins, then she is worthy of my medals. Until then, she must earn them the old-fashioned way like the rest of us.”

To get the Austrian women to change their position, many unsuccessful tactics were tried. First the FIS threatened to give the ladies, even the top-ranked ones, start numbers of 60 and over in races. That threat failed when the FIS officials looked in their rule book and found that they legally could not do that. Then they called the skiers’ sponsors to have them withdraw their support. That also failed because they receive most of their support from the Austrian Ski Federation. The FIS threatened to take away all of the skiers’ World Cup points, but still the Austrian women did not budge. Threats to demote all of the women to the Nor-Am circuit (an FIS spokesman reasoned that the Europa Cup circuit would be too close to home) also did not work. Even when the FIS said that it would have special voodoo dolls of the Austrian women’s team made, the ladies were still unfazed.

Red Bull and HEAD, Vonn’s main sponsors, decided to try convincing the Austrian women to change their minds.  Mafia enforcer Vinnie “The Shark” Razzovelli was summoned. Within minutes, the whole Austrian women’s team agreed to give all of its world championship medals to Vonn. Fenninger explained the team’s quick turnaround. “It’s hard to argue when someone is pointing a gun at my kneecaps. I treasure my knees more than medals. If Lindsey really wants all of my medals that badly, she can have them.” Fenninger’s teammates had the same reaction and they all signed a binding pledge to give all of their medals to Vonn.

Now that all of the skiers, male and female, plan to give all of their medals to Vonn, the 2013 World Championships in Schladming will be the most exciting ones ever. The Blickbild will be in Schladming reporting all of the action on and off the slopes.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: All the news that the other papers are too scared to print.